my brain refuses to accept this

The first year was absolutely unbearable. Every time I saw or heard your name, I fell apart. I couldn’t listen to music without my throat swelling up. The aching pain in my heart was constant. Everything reminded me of you. I thought drinking heavily with my anti-anxiety medication would help me cope. It didn’t. I don’t remember much. It was all a blur of careless laughter followed by intense moments of sobbing and self-harm.


The second year, it started getting slightly better. I taught myself how to play our favorite song even though I knew you’d never hear me play it. I quit using anti-anxiety meds and hard liquor. I still had days when I refused to believe I would never see or touch you again, but I was starting to grow accustomed to letting go. I had a lot of dreams about you. They began turning into nightmares as my brain finally allowed itself to process and accept how toxic we were for each other in the end.


The third year, I still have dreams about you. I forget most of them, but the ones I remember make me think and dream about you for a week straight. I’ll think of an inside joke sometimes and just laugh while shaking my head. I don’t feel like dying anymore when I hear your name, our songs, or when I see our favorite movies on TV. I still wish you a happy birthday even though you’ll never hear it or realize I even remembered or cared.
 
I’m finally accepting you’ll always be a part of me, so I’d better stop hurting myself over it and move on.

—  My healing process

It really breaks my heart in Beyond when Uhura offers to give Spock his necklace back, that tiny smile and kiss when he refuses. She knows his real reason is less about Vulcan custom and more about maintaining that connection with her, ‘cos feelings. She knows he loves her. But her reaction is gratitude and grace, not anger, not even grief, like she’s braced herself for a while to accept Spock moving on to his special destiny ™. A realization that’s probably longer standing than Spock talking to her about Vulcan babies.

Though obviously this makes watching Spock coming back for her more satisfying. To put his life at risk for her is also to put that destiny, that responsibility, on the line; either he thought it out and decided to do it anyway, or it was so instinctive he didn’t think. He phrases it that way, too, he’s not just there for the crew. Obviously, I’m here to rescue you.

All of which is wrapped up in Spock looking at Spock Prime’s picture of the original Enterprise crew, the attachment Spock Prime obviously had for them, that he had the photo on hand with him a hundred years after the crew disbanded, to bring through the portal. He’s got perfect memory; has the photo anyway. It gives Spock permission to stay in Starfleet.

There’s no indication Spock Prime and Uhura were ever together, and Spock is driven to live a life like him.

He chooses Nyota anyway.

im depressed again, and i can’t get the thing i want to do done.

im depressed again, and i need to accept that, and proceed accordingly.

im depressed again, and consequently i’ve been stuck at some point in my routine, unable to go any further, and thus have been paralyzed and not doing anything. the inaction is making things worse.

thus, trying to force myself through my routine is not going to help

thus, i need to short circuit and do something that 1) feels useful to me and 2) isn’t one of those things that my brain is refusing to let me do.

thus, more topos project notes.

Ti Dominant: I have all the knowledge. Resistance is futile. Resistance against the superiority of my brain, that is.

Ti Auxiliary: And I’ll use all that knowledge to BLOW STUFF UP YOLO. :D

Ti Tertiary: Or help the human race?

Ti Inferior: I KNOW I’M IRRATIONAL BUT I REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT. TRUTH WHAT TRUTH THIS IS A PLACE OF BLISSFUL SELF-DELUSION.

SNK Chap 82: Armin Arlert, is too precious for the world.

OH MY GOSH WHAT IS HAPPENING?! [SPOILERS AHEAD] I am in shock right now! My brain can’t accept this! I can’t believe Armin is dead! 

HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO HIM?! It’s Armin!! If anybody deserves to live in this whole manga, it’s him! He too precious. Why the hell would you do this? It seems so unnecessary to kill him. You better be brining him back with some medicine or something because I refused to believe he is actually dead. There is no way you can kill off such an important characters right when shit is getting real. What about his dream of seeing the ocean? It’s where everything started! He won’t be able to achieve his dream of seeing the ocean and that’s so fucked up! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU ISAYAMA???!!!! I HATE YOU!!!

Keep reading

COVER REVEAL: TONE DEAF BY OLIVIA RIVERS

Personally, I can’t wait to get my hands on this book! A contemporary about a deaf girl (who shares my name) and is traveling with a band? Awesome.

SYNOPSIS: 

For child prodigy Ali Collins, music was life. All that changes when a brain tumor lands her in a silent nightmare, controlled by her physically abusive father and the deafness she’ll never get used to. When Ali accidentally wins a backstage tour with the chart-topping band Tone Deaf, she reluctantly accepts the prize, only to be kicked out. Jace Beckett, the lead singer of the pop-punk band, refuses to even speak to Ali because she is deaf.
Ali threatens to report Jace’s discrimination, but ends up agreeing to keep quiet in exchange for money. With a bit of cash, she can escape to New York and get away from her father. Then Jace notices her fresh bruises and changes the offer, claiming he’ll use his influence and connections to help Ali escape. But even when Jace reveals a baffling fluency in American Sign Language, she can’t bring herself to trust him.When Ali’s dad crosses a new line, she’s driven to accept Jace’s offer despite her fears.
Soon she’s traveling cross-country, hidden away in Jace’s RV as the band finishes their nation-wide tour. As weeks pass, the members of Tone Deaf start to resemble a quirky little family. Then there’s Jace. Ali can’t figure out his mood swings, but she knows she’s falling for the passionate and secretive musician. Jace’s hardened attitude melts away more with every mile they travel, and Ali finds herself ever closer to understanding his attitude towards the deaf.
But when tragedy strikes, Ali must decide between walking away from Tone Deaf, or sacrificing her freedom to save Jace and his band. 

AND WITHOUT FURTHER ADO- THE COVER:

OTHER DETAILS:

Author: Olivia Rivers
Genre: YA Contemporary Romance
Publisher: Sky Pony Press
Release Date: May 3, 2016
Goodreads: [here]

Omg I literally just had to explain (read: fight) with one of the women about racism

Adela and I were talking about Dr. Strange on our elevenses and I was like :/ and said that I was expecting it to bomb.

And another woman sensing drama wanted in on this discussion despite not knowing anything. So one is of the opinion that it’s racist that benedict can’t go for any role he wants (sherlock fan) but was open to hearing what I was saying and then the other lady

Mother of God

So other lady is on about how racist this was but it wasn’t on the actors either it was the producers
Which led to her saying that it was…our favorite word ‘reverse racism’ and I’m there trying to eat my rice cake and debate this. And by the way - it’s totally up to an actor to NOT go for roles or to refuse roles. It is actually their responsibility as such a public figure not to accept racism.

My brain is fried. Ftr this woman is over 50. Adela got up and left and went to the front office and sent one of the other women down to “save me” and she poked her head in asking for help on a document. I was literally seething.

I’m still spitting and hissing.

no but seriously I read the first four Harry Potter books when I was like 7 and obviously the others ones as soon as I could get my hands on them and I am not kidding I refused to read any other book for at least 2 years. I just couldn’t do it. My tiny brain could not accept anything being better than Harry Potter and I did not bother trying. I just read Harry Potter over and over again. I read the first book at least 11 times. My parents fucking counted, they were worried about me.