It’s hard to explain the fickleness of the human emotion; one moment you’re on top of the clouds, in another you’re lying on the ocean floor with the weight of the entire water on your chest; sometimes I get so irritated I want to scratch my own skin off, and sometimes I want to set my own house ablaze. There are times I’m crying without reason- my throat double its size from the knot inside, and sometimes I find myself laughing at the air itself. The worst part of it all is that there are no external factors involved, nor any situation; just me and my madness at each other’s throats, sometimes embracing, sometimes making love, and sometimes huddled together in a corner shy from the world.
Imagine Dean talking to Mary about how he raised you and Sam
A/N: This is Dean’s speech to Mary from 12x22. Special thanks to @family-business-one-shots for figuring out Dean’s speech in this scene.
Dean watched as Mary interacted with him at a younger age; she was smiling at the two year old version of you. Reaching over she brushed off some crumbs that were on your lips before returning her attention to Dean.
“I only want good things for you, Dean.” She said to the four year old Dean, “I’ll never let anything bad happen to you.”
“I hate you.” Dean stated as tears began to grow in his eyes. Mary stood up and took you from your high chair before walking back towards Sam’s crib. “I was a kid. You promised you’d keep me safe; and then you made a deal with Azazel. Yeah, it saved dad’s life, but I’ll tell you something else that happened.” Dean said as his voice broke.
Mary was playing with Sam’s fingers as he laid in his crib while she gently swayed side to side with you in her arms; she was blatantly ignoring Dean.
“Because on November 2, 1983, old Yellow Eyes came waltzing into Sammy’s room because of your deal.” Dean told his mom as Sam began to coo from his crib.
“You left us. Alone; because dad was just a shell. His perfect wife, gone. Our perfect
mom, the perfect family, was gone; and I… I had to be… more than just a
brother, I had to be a father, and I had to be a mother, to keep them safe, and that wasn’t fair; and I couldn’t do it.” Dean’s voice broke again.
“And you wanna know what that was like? They killed the girl that he loved. He got possessed by Lucifer. They tortured him in hell, and he lost his soul. His soul.” A tear nearly fell out of Dean’s eyes but he held it back.
“Y/N, she’s never known what it’s like to be in love with someone. She
was possessed by Michael; followed Sam into the pit so he wouldn’t be alone. She tried to close the gates of hell and wanted to die from the guilt she had from Sam returning without a soul when she had hers. My little sister wanted to die.” Dean said as his voice cracked. “All because of you. All of it was because of you.”
Mary glanced down at you where you were sleeping in her arms. She shifted so that you were laying your head on her shoulder, your arm across her back. Planting a kiss to your head she glanced back at Sam who was happily cooing in the crib.
“I hate you.” Dean’s voice filled with emotion.
“ I hate you…
and I love you. ‘Cause I can’t– I can’t help it. You’re my mom; and I
understand. Because I have made deals to save the ones I love, more than
once. I forgive you. I forgive you, for all of it, everything.” He stated, begging his mother to understand.
the other side of this, we can start over, okay? You, me, Y/N, Sam, we can
get it right this time. But I need you to fight, right now. I need you
to fight. I need you to look at me. I need you to really look at me and
see me. Mom, I need you to see me. Please.”
“I have for the first time found what I can truly love — I have found you. You are my sympathy — my better self — my good angel — I am bound to you with a strong attachment. I think you good, gifted, lovely: a fervent, a solemn passion is conceived in my heart; it leans to you, draws you to my centre and spring of life, wrap my existence about you — and, kindling in pure, powerful flame, fuses you and me in one”
*spoilers for if you are not up to date with either the show or infernal devices*
In the show you are introduced to yin fen as if it were any other recreational drug. Izzy gets hooked on it and displays the typical drug addict symptoms: cravings, fever, jitteriness, ect. She is shown to be addicted to it, she is willing to do anything to get more of it; she is shown to be a very typical, unflatteringly painted, drug addict.
This completely destroys and undermines Jem Carstairs’ entire character arc.
It is immediately established in Clockwork Angel that Jem is not a drug addict in the common sense. Yin fen is not a metaphor for meth or cocaine or any other recreational drug. It is a metaphor for the wasting, cureless diseases of the day, such as consumption or typhoid or something:
A hero […] who was condemned to die young of a fatal demonic illness, no matter how desperate the efforts were to save him, just as in reality victims of consumption sickened and died without penicillin(Forward of Clockwork Princess, pg. 4)
Clare states it clearly herself, yin fen is not a recreational drug like the show made it to be.
By giving Izzy this plotline, they have ruined any chance of Jem’s arc making any sense at all. People would see that Jem is addicted to yin fen and not be able to understand why he can’t just kick the habit. It wouldn’t make any sense that the drug is killing him, turning his hair and eyes silver and paling his skin, because this very obviously not what happens to Izzy. Izzy isn’t dying, she just feels like she is.
It is made very clear that Jem hates what yin fen has done to him. He hates that he must rely on it, he despises how it has stolen his life from him. And while he compares it to the Opium in China and himself to the addicts(thus offering a compelling metaphor about colonialism and racism):
The British bring opium into China by the ton. They have made a nation of addicts out of us. In Chinese we call it ‘foreign mud’ or ‘black smoke’. In some ways Shanghai, my city, is built on opium. It wouldn’t exist as it does without it. The city is full of dens where hollow-eyed men starve to death because all they want is the drug, more of the drug. They’ll give anything for it. I used to despise men like that. I couldn’t understand how they were so weak.
There was one thing they couldn’t fix, though. I had become addicted to the substance the demon had poisoned me with. My body was dependent on it the way an opium addict’s body is dependent on the drug.
(Clockwork Angel, ch. 15, pg. 339-340)
He also makes it very clear that the drug is more of an bastardized medicine:
After weeks of experimentation they decided that nothing could be done: I could not live without the drug. The drug itself meant a slow death, but to take me off it would mean a very quick one.
The yin fen is what keeps Jem alive, and he despises that. He wants to burn bright like Will does, he wants to live to grow old with Tessa(though not for her but that’s another rant). This why he throws it in the fire in Clockwork Princess, why he was taking less of it. He loathes relying on it.
This is not the case with Izzy. Izzy, like most drug addicts, craves how good the yin fen makes her feel. She actively wants more of it. It is not a unavoidable and cruel medicine, it is a recreational drug.
But the worst aspect of this is that it plays right into the negative and degrading view the other Shadowhunters have of Jem and further causes and creates Jem’s greatest fear.
The books works extremely hard to make it very clear that Jem Carstairs is not a drug addict. It is consistently referred to as his illness, the other characters work hard to combat this kind of thinking in the novels themselves. This plays into the vilification of the Lightwoods especially, with Gabriel constantly saying awful and derogatory things about Jem:
“You’re a decent Shadowhunter, James,” [Gabriel] said, “and a gentleman. You have your–disability, but no one blames you for that.”
(Clockwork Angel, ch. 9, pg. 206)
“I think,” Gabriel said, “that perhaps you might consider whether jokes about opium are either amusing or tasteful, given the…situation of your friend Carstairs.”
Will froze. Still in the same tone of voice, he said, “You mean his disability?
Gabriel blinked. “What?”
“That’s what you called it. Back at the Institute. His ‘disability’.” Will tossed the bloody cloth aside. “And you wonder why we aren’t friends.”
(Clockwork Angel, Ch. 11, pg. 269)
Not only this, but the scenes during and after Jem retrieves Will from the Drug Den, are extremely telling.
When Jem drags Will out of the den, the reader sees him lose his temper for the first time:
“You did not have to come and fetch me like some child. I was having quite a pleasant time.”
Jem looked back at him. “God damn you,” he said, and hit Will across the face, sending him spinning. Will didn’t lose his footing, but fetched up against the side of the carriage, his hand to his cheek. His mouth was bleeding. He looked at Jem with total astonishment.
(Clockwork Prince, ch. 9, pg. 195)
In this moment, Jem is so blindingly angry at Will, even Tessa observes herself how this was so utterly unlike him, because he feels as if Will is mocking Jem and his addiction by going and getting high on a drug when Jem is literally dependent and dying because of the yin fen.
“There’s no cure,” […] “I will die, and you know it, Tess. Probably within the next year. I am dying, and I have no family in the world, and the one person I trusted more than any other made sport of what is killing me.”
“He knows what it means to me,” he said. “To see him even toy with what has destroyed my life–”
(Clockwork Angel, ch. 9, pg. 200)
Because Jem has to battle against the label of a drug addict everyday, and his biggest fear is that he is just a addict, that that’s all anyone sees. He hates that label. Which, as seen, is openly talked about in the books. This is such a big deal that Will actually apologizes for it:
“I went to that den because I could not stop thinking about my family, and I wanted–I needed–to stop thinking,” said Will. “It did not cross my mind that it would look like I was making a mockery out of your sickness. I suppose I am asking your forgiveness for my lack of consideration.”
(Clockwork Prince, ch. 11, pg. 247)
Even though Will makes a point to never apologize about anything so that others will hate him. He apologizes to Jem for this thoughtlessness because he realizes how royally he messed up.
All of this is totally disregarded in Izzy’s storyline. People entering into TID after watching the show will be confused and not understand how Jem is sick and dying and is not really a drug addict at all. In short, they will enter into the novels with a prejudice and misunderstanding of Jem, and see him just like the other Shadowhunter’s do: a weak drug addict.
tl;dr:the show totally ruins and misconstrues and mocks Jem’s character arc by giving Izzy such a typical(and utterly incorrect) recreational drug addict storyline and I am furious about it.
You bounded down the bunker stairs in search of your dad and uncle. They had been gone on a hunt for the last few days, leaving you behind because you had an important project for school to turn in and your uncle refused to sacrifice your education for hunting.
Rounding the corner into the library you were met with a sight that was very familiar to you; your dad and uncle sitting at a table in the library, drinking beers, and probably talking about the last hunt.
“Hey Daddy, hi Uncle Sam.” You said as you walked into the room.
“Hi babygirl.” Dean replied as he looked up at you.
“Hey Y/N/N.” Sam responded as he patted the hand you laid on his shoulder as you passed by him.
“How was the hunt?” You questioned before plopping yourself on your father’s lap.
Dean let out a grunt as your weight landed on him. He wrapped his arms around you and gave you a tight squeeze, a gesture of reassurance he always did when he came back from a hunt.
if you’re gonna shit on ginny because she was a mary sue / “overrated” at least acknowledge that we saw her from the perspective of an incredibly biased person (aka the inventor of denial), of course she’s not actually perfect but there’s a reason she goes from ~ron’s little sister that i do like but isn’t rly relevant to my life i’m sorry also i’m actively ignoring her crush on me so it’s a tiny bit awkward~ to !!! good god what an angel?? like ginny’s beautiful?? and plays quidditch!!! and she’s popular and so funny holy fuck ron would KILL me but.. worth it tbh is this.. … what some people call love??? and that reason is called harry potter who spent a good portion of the final books internally combusting whenever ginny did anything what a nerd