my body hurts that much right now -_____________-

I’m sorry for leaving…

I thought it was the right thing to do for me, for us. I thought if I left then it wouldn’t hurt as much. If you’re wondering how I feel about it now I would tell you that I was completely wrong and that nothing hurts more than this. Not even a knife to my chest could be of comparison to how I am feeling right now, knowing I messed you up but I messed myself even more. I thought space between us would allow us to heal but instead I find myself locked indoors, sleepless nights, continuous overthinking and barely eating a full meal anymore. My body has shut down not only physically but mentally as well. I know you probably think this is what I deserve for throwing your love away but if I could build up the courage to tell you how sorry i am then maybe someday I will be free of this terrible nightmare.

—  Tenari Ioapo // Apollogy to the love of my life #7.

Okay so I may be getting into a dead fandom here but DEAF WEST SPRING AWAKENING is a thing that exists and it’s beautiful and glorious and I love it to death

But right “The Word of Your Body Reprise” makes me sob so hard because when they say “Oh, you’re gonna be wounded/Oh, you’re gonna be my wound” (specifically Ernst the emotion and conflict on his face was so clear) I immediately thought how yes, loving each other could be their downfall because it was fucking ILLEGAL to be GAY

And it hurts so much to think about how that out of the three (sort of) couples they’re the only ones with a relatively happy ending, you know how rare it is to see that

Anyway I now love this show more than life itself and the whole thing makes me cry

I Love You - Johnny

Happy Birthday to one of my biases from NCT. Literally blessed for him to debut as NCT 127 ;-; thank you so much for existing and please be happy and stay happy my love, you deserve the whole world <3.

- Admin Na.

Originally posted by nakamotens

get it man sexy man

“You forgot it was my birthday didn’t you”. You couldn’t look in your boyfriend’s eyes as guilt rushed throughout your body. “Johnny, you know I’ve been busy with everything. With work and school, it’s easy for me to forget!”. Johnny looked the other way, hurt. You moved a little closer to him, gently touching his back. “Baby, I’m sorry I forgot but I have a lot going on right now”. “Unbelievable”, he said while moving away from your touch. “You are so selfish you know that?”. “Me? Selfish? And could you explain why I’m being selfish”, you scoffed. He was getting on your nerves. “You never have time for me! You’re either working or studying for exams, it just annoys the shit out of me,”. “You know what, I thought you’d understand since you’re the one with a tight schedule”, you said crossing your arms. “Well, at least i make time for us unlike you”. “I don’t understand why you’re so mad at me!”, you yelled. “Y/N, if this was the other way around, you’d be mad at me. Hell, you wouldn’t even talk to me”, Johnny said raising his voice. “Whatever, I’m done arguing Johnny”, you said as you were leaving the kitchen. You went into your room and slammed the door. You laid in bed, listening to the sounds Johnny was making. You could hear him putting on his coat, and the sound of his keys jiggling. You can hear him open the door of your apartment and slammed it behind him. You took our your phone and dialed his number. 

“Where are you going?”, you said with annoyance.

“Out. Don’t wait up for me”, he says then hung up, his voice was cold. 

You threw the phone across the room. You huffed, angry at yourself for arguing with Johnny on his birthday. You laid in bed feeling regret and guilt. 


You woke up from the little slumber you had. You looked at the clock. 3:45 AM.

You looked at the empty cold spot next to you. Johnny hasn’t been home since he left. You picked up your phone and dialed his number. After it ringing for a while, it went to voicemail. You sighed. You wanted to know where his whereabouts were. You wanted to know if he was safe. You got up from your bed and walked out of your room. Your feet touching the cold wooden floors. 

Reaching the living room, you could see the brightness coming from your tv. You didn’t remember turning it on. As you were getting closer to your tv to turn it off, you hear light snores coming from the sofa. You looked at the sleeping figure of your boyfriend on your sofa. Crouching down to get a better look of his features. You gently put your hands into his hair. You sighed, smelling the alcohol from him. You blamed yourself for putting him in this stake. Johnny stirred in his sleep, finally opening his eyes. “Hey.. I told you not to wait up for me”, his tired husky voice soft. You didn’t say anything. You stared in his eyes, still running your fingers through his hair. “Johnny.. I’m sorry”, you whispered, your voice was sincere. He closed his eyes and gave a small smile while chuckling a little. “I’m not mad at you anymore. I’m over it. It was a dumb argument anyways”. You looked to the side. You were still upset with yourself for forgetting about his birthday. He put his finger under your chin and brought your face closer to him. “Y/N, I told you. It’s okay, I’m not mad”, he said giving you a reassuring smile. He pulled you in a deep, long, passionate kiss. “Come on, lets go to bed”.


You flipped the pancakes, making sure you were cooking the other side thoroughly and not burning it. You still felt bad about forgetting his birthday so you decided to make it up by making breakfast. 

“What’s this?”, you hear Johnny say behind you. You smiled at his bed head and seeing him in his boxers. “I’m making breakfast for you”, you said while finishing up with the last pancake. He brought his long arms around your waist, giving you a kiss on the cheek. “Aww, you didn’t have to”. “I want to.. to make up for being a bitch”, you said while looking up at him. He looked at you lovingly then playfully touched your nose. 

You laid out his plate in front of him, while putting all of the food you cooked onto the table. You both sat across from each other and started eating your breakfast. “So, I have today planned out for the two of us”, you said. He stared at you, smiling. “Oh really now?”. “What is it?”, he asked. “It’s a surprise”, you said smirking. He laughed at you. “Johnny, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I want your 22nd birthday to be special”, you said. “It already has, just being with you makes me happy”. Johnny got up and brought his face closer to yours. He gently kissed your nose before passionately giving you a kiss on your lips. “I love you, Y/N”. “I love you too, Johnny”.

I miss you. I miss your voice. I miss getting lost in your eyes. I miss your laugh. I miss how your face would kind of crinkle up while you laugh. I miss how happy I felt by your side. I miss how perfectly our lips fit together. I miss how warm and happy I was in your arms. I miss our weird conversations. I miss your stupid jokes that somehow made me laugh. I miss looking up at you while my head was in your lap and trying to memorize every inch of your face in its different moods. I miss looking at you and thinking, “Holy fucking shit how did I get this lucky?” I miss pulling away from a kiss breathless and smiling, then whispering that I love you. I miss you baby, so much. My chest is aching and my heart is tugging me to you, yet my body has to stay put. My stomach hurts when I think of you because I know I can’t be with you right now. I can’t get you off my mind. Darling, I miss you so much and would give anything to be with you.
—  I love you // shadowhuntersdemon

jadziabear  asked:

Kates, do you have any advice on dealing with a negative body image? And more specifically, accepting the level of 'femininity' you can be bothered to perform and not beating yourself up for not doing more? No problem if you don't, you're just really inspirational and awesome and I figured it couldn't hurt to ask :)

I’ve been thinking about this since I got it – and it’s a hard question because I’ve been struggling with my body image lately too (I’ve been at the gym, but my weight has gone up. So my calves look fantastic, but not much definition happening elsewhere). But it’s a work in progress, loving your body, and right now I’m trying to focus on what my body can do instead of how it appears.

But that’s me, and not your struggle. I am going assume, that you are like me, and have never felt like you were anything other than a woman.

I’ve been through a lot of phases when it comes to femininity. My mother says that she prayed and prayed for a little girl, and after she had me, learned to be more specific in her prayers. I’ve never been girly. I’ve never cared too much for dresses, or frills. I still cannot figure out how to curl my hair right.

And it used to bug me a lot. And even now, when I buy clothes, I have to ask myself, Is this what I like? Or what I think I’m expected to like? Does this make me feel like I’m playing dress up in my own skin?

Frankly, being “feminine” is a shit-ton of emotional labor, executive function, and money all rolled together. It’s difficult and requires a lot of skill and time to perform. And if you aren’t naturally inclined to enjoy it, it’s even more difficult. 

Femininity is a spectrum, really. I think we just have to find our point on it.  I like makeup, but I’m never going to be all that great at it. I like dressing well, but I’m probably never going to wear dresses all that often. I like flats over heels. I’m more comfortable baring cleavage than my legs. I’m never going to take more than 10 minutes to do my hair, but I may put extensions in it. I am never going to be the woman that remembers to send cards on everyones birthday or organize food days at work. But I like feeding people and making sure people are happy at dinner parties.

There’s no wrong way to express yourself as a woman, so long as you are expressing you

But it may also be that maybe, feminine isn’t the gender expression/presentation that makes you happy. In that case, I’m not the best resource, and would direct you towards genderqueer resources.


‘Why are we doing this again?’ Derek asked as everyone was gearing up and loading their paintball guns.

‘Pack bonding, No claws or fangs just good fun and paint pellets of pain.’ you said as you tightened the waist band of the massive pants the instructor had given you.

‘A werewolf pack bonding without the things that make them werewolves?’ Isaac questioned,.

‘I’m not a werewolf. Stiles?’ you asked looking to your fellow human.

‘Nope, no fang or fur on this body. Lydia you?’ Stiles asked the red head.

‘Blunt teeth, hairless face and manicured nails.’ Lydia replied.

‘Same.’ Allison smiled.

‘Besides its totally a free chance to shoot at my friends without actually hurting anyone.’ Stiles added.

‘It’s not free, I’m spending way too much for this.’ Derek grumbled.

‘’Right, its the one time Derek’s paying to let us shoot him.’ Scott teased.

‘Now the rules are no werewolf anything, last one standing wins.’

‘Everyone ready?’ the instructor asked as he came back in.

‘Hell yeah.’ Allison said as we all went out onto the field..

‘Get ready bitches, cause I’m coming for them asses.’ you said as you put on the helmet.

‘The instructor wentover the instructions again and the he  sounded the alarm.

Everyone took cover and it was a full on battle field. you looked around and and spotted Allison aiming for Scott.

‘How cute.’ you grinned as you took the shot hitting her in the side.

‘Dammit!’ she groaned.


You whip around and see Lydia marching off the field with a fresh green splat on her arm.

Green is Isaac’s color.

You look around and see that Isaac took higher grounds in a tower and was aiming right at you.

You ducked behind a cover just in time to avoid getting hit.

While Isaac reloaded his gun you took aim and hit him in the chest.

Nice shot you turn around and shot Scott in the knee.

‘Hey! I’m already out.’ Scott said pointing to a red spot on his back.

‘Oh my bad.’ you apologized.

As Scott left the field you did a quick head count in your head. Scott, Allison, Lydia and Isaac are out; that leaves you, Derek and Stiles.

Just then you felt a paintball gun press against your back and turned around and came face to face with Derek.

‘You know where Stiles is?’ Derek questioned. 

‘No, do you you asked as you raised your gun as well.

‘Even without werewolf reflexes I’m quicker than you.’ Derek boasted.

You let your gun down in disappointment and sighed.

‘Are you quicker than this?’ you asked as you shot his foot.

Derek was too stunned to speak.

‘Like I said; coming for them asses.’ you grinned.

The second you turned around you felt something hit you in the stomach.

‘No.’ you gasped as you looked up at Stiles.

‘Boo ya!’ Stiles cheered.

‘I can’t believe I lost.’

‘Believe it babe. WOO!’ Stiles shouted in victory.

Requested by this lovely  the-hoodie-knight

A friend asked “How is it to be lesbian, fat and black?”

- It is to be invisible. Or visible for chuckles. - I answered.

Here comes one more self-pity post, huh?

Well, it should be, buddy. I feel like crap everyday. But it’s not.

I’m just writing to tell myself I gonna try to have some self-respect.

Being a minority and MANY OTHER issues have fucked up my head. But having the looks of a person that most of people find disgusting hurts a lot.
No, I don’t hate my body. I just don’t follow the pattern most society follows, I get being punished by that. Being denied touch, kisses, hugs, sex and even (debatable) love hurts too.

So I’m going to respect myself and stopping searching almost everyday for someone that accepts me for who I am. And I’m NOT talking about love. I don’t even think I can love someone right now. I’m talking about finding another woman who wants to be with me. Kiss me. Have sex with me.

You don’t have to love me to do that. Neither do I.

I just wanna remember how being touched by another woman feels like.

But now, enough. I need time to forget so much denial.

I could go for some green right about now 😬

Head hurts and my body does not want food no matter how hungry I am. I don’t know why I’m having this down fall besides the fact that I battle anorexia type thing. I’m not stopping my self from eating, just my body is. All from my childhood and before I was eleven. Never really fought to get past it as I got older, but last year I started fighting off and now I’m at 118lbs finally and this down fall will take my weight down 😓 and I don’t like it. I am much happier for a lot of reasons so I know this fit is not from being unhappy but I do think it might have to do with stress. Not having a job anymore (she quit on me) and doing my GED courses. Which I’m not really joyful and bring myself down with. I’m good on all subject till I come to math 😳. Most of math isn’t bad but what they have on the test makes me feel completely out of wak. Looking for jobs in other towns because I want to leave this town. Before I started talking to the love of my life (soul mate) I was planning to leave anyway. My oldest has the worst time in this town. She so ready to move. All my kids want to move and I so love that. Life is on its way of looking so much brighter.

How to take care of yourself when you are sick/have a cold

Right now I’m sick. Like very sick. I have a cough, and my ears hurt, and my head hurts (because I make too much effort when coughing).
So I think I could give some advice if you are ill (and you need to keep with your life normally):

· Eat properly: This is not only helpful when you are already sick, but it is key to prevention. Make sure you are eating your veggies, fruits, carbs and proteins! Eat a little multiple times a day. Your body needs fuel to fight the illness.

· Sleep like a sloth: Like before, it is crucial to prevent any sickness. But yes, if you have a cold, normally your body will feel restless and sore (like a truck had run over you), so you need to rest +8 hours (and maybe having a little nap in the afternoon if you feel you need it, this is all about how you feel and what your body needs, work can wait a bit).

· Carry a ton of tissues: if you have a runny nose, you’ll definitely need this. Try to get everything out of your nose, because otherwise it can affect your ears (and there it can derivate in an infection and that’s not really nice…) and your throat.

. Humidify your room/house: If the weather in your city is very dry (Mine is) it can affect the way the illness develop. When you breathe, you are inhaling a lot of dust, and that dries more your throat. So try to keep the ambiance wet. I usually put a pot with boiling water in my room and I usually put some herbs like thyme, because inhaling thyme vapor can help decongesting your throat.

· Drink a lot of water: Or infusion, thyme is -again- key to help you fighting a cold. You should drink a lot to keep your throat hydrated, so it makes things easier.

· Convince your friends/mum/dad/boyfriend/cat to take care of you or/and give you love: It is proved that being loved and receiving hugs makes our inmune system more powerful.


Today I jogged on the treadmill! It was only for 60 seconds at a time but I JOGGED!

Like, when I first started working out I wondered how it was gonna ever get better. But I’ve been going about 3 times a week and my times are improving so much.

Then today I figured I was gonna jog my fat ass off for 60 second bursts then power walk for 90 seconds. It hurt and I was exhausted but I felt like a motherfucking CHAMPION!

Still such a long way to go. But it’s so encouraging to see and feel progress. I’m so proud of my body right now. Even if it’s the fattest one in the gym. ☺️


The fact that I got an ‘extra* day for my a-level prep kinda seems cool - right? I actually hate to complain as much as I do since friday but my entire body is hurting and I’m really lacking sleep… BUT no one is going to do it for me so there’s just one option: give your best now and enjoy the results later !! Hang on everyone out there! If I can do it so can you (a hundred times) !!! :) xx

He was there, staring at me in the middle of the night. It was around 3:39 am. His eyes were focused on mine, our bodies seemed to be pointing at each other. Minutes passed and he came closer, asked my name, then we danced, touched our strangers bodies for the first time… We kissed and didn’t talk. Now it’s been two months and there isn’t one day I don’t remember him holding me and looking right at my soul. I decided to fall for strangers, have a perfect night and dissapear. It doesn’t hurt and gives me peace.
—  people are too much information (a. lima

Throwback on the left from 2012 at almost my highest weight. I was also at my saddest point of my life too.

On the right was just three weeks ago.

Looking at the girl on the left my heart hurts for her. You see, I had found out my husband (now ex) was cheating me and had been cheating on me for years. The dress was a gift from my girlfriends and so friggin kind of them. I loved it and I love them for being so sweet to me when I hated the world. I remember taking that photo and hating how I looked even though I loved the dress…I didn’t love myself and blamed my body for my husbands infidelity.

So much healing has taken place in the past three and a half years. I started to love myself and accept my food binging and make efforts to avoid those triggers. My divorce aided so much in rediscovery of love and happiness. I am also nearing the one year anniversary of dating a man that loves me and inspires me to be a better person. We bonded over a shared past of being heavier and knowing the hardwork it takes to transform. As my body got healthier so did my mind and heart. Loving my life to the fullest and taking chances has brought me a satisfaction I never knew was possible.

I can’t wait to see what happens next.

anonymous asked:

ok i'm honestly crying right now thank you so much for existing, unapologetically. Thank you for making this blog. I've been a vegetarian for 7 years and a vegan for 2 and I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I am a latina girl and I am naturally big in my thighs, my butt, and my hips, and my tummy too. I've gotten such shit from vegan friends and vegans in real life who look at my body and question my diet and it fucking hurts. It's so validating to see this. So thank you.


This is so fucking important.

It’s so important for the vegan community to see this.

Veganism is about deeply held values and beliefs, not weight loss.

Let’s make this the year where we collectively end fatphobia and body shaming in veganism.

FINALLY THE SKETCHES ARE DONE! AUDHGFDG my hand hurts SOOOO MUCH! Btw I just sketched, and will be coloring, SEVENTEEN PEOPLE!

uhg, but it’s done, and now i shal list all the blogs where each person came from, starting from left to right, but first is a default, so anyone who didn’t get listed either I missed you in the vision or you looked like some variant of the default model. (being you had a different body type or possibly had no eyes) And trust me when I say there were a lot that looked like the default, but somehow I knew who you were.

NOW to list, right to left is: homestuckinator413, fancyspants, autistic-pyro, official-nifaux, skillfulprey, lolzman87, me, rileyomalley, rebornica and Vinny, rykitsu, thisworldendswithmeghostyknight, mrkenyon. thelastsworld, and kriss-stuck.

whew this was long. hopefully colors wont take me nearly as long. also these are by NO means the actual heights of these people, except Rebornica and Vinny. 

Shawn Mendes Imagine: I Think I Love You

I laid in bed refusing to get up. Shawn and I got into a fight yesterday and we broke up. And to make it worse, he left for tour this morning which means we won’t be able to even try and get back together for at least 5 months. I didn’t realize how much he meant to me until I lost him. I miss him so much right now it physically hurts. There’s this giant hole in my chest and I won’t be able to fix it. Only Shawn can but he’s gone. “Y/N. You need to get up.” My best friend said as she walked into my room. I groaned. “Alright, scoot over.” She said. I moved my body to the other side of my bed and she climbed in with me. “What happened?” She asked. “Shawn and I broke up.” I said, fidgeting with the side of my pillow. “Oh, Y/N. I’m so sorry.” She said, sympathetically. “This sucks. He already left for tour also and he’ll probably meet some new and better girl and forget all about me while I sit in bed crying for the next 5 months.” I said. “Y/N, you know that’s not true. Shawn cares about you so much, he’s probably sitting on the plane right now writing a song about you or listening to some depressing music trying to cope without you.” She said. I rolled over on my back and looked up at the ceiling. All I wanted was for Shawn to be lying next to me, cuddling with me. He probably isn’t even thinking about me. For the next five months I’ll be irrelevant to him. To the only good thing is that the fans didn’t know about us so I won’t get tons of nagging questions from the asking about us. Right now the only thing I can do is forget him like he’s probably forgetting about me.

-5 months later-

I walked out of school on Friday afternoon. Thank god it’s the weekend, now I can go home and hide from everyone and especially Shawn. He came home today and I didn’t want to risk running into him for as long as I could. I jumped into my car and started driving home. It was a 10 minute drive and I spent a majority of it trying to not think about Shawn. The past 5 months have been hell without him. I would hear people talking about his music and success in the hallway and we come home and get online only to see everyone talking about him. No matter what I do, I just can’t escape him. I walked up the front steps of my house and saw that the front door was unlocked. What the hell? I know I locked it… I lifted up the mat and saw that the spare key was gone. I slowly backed away from the door. Who the hell is in my house? As much as I wanted to run and get help, part of me was telling me to walk in. I slowly pushed the door open and walked into my house as slowly and quietly as I could. I made my way to the kitchen and grabbed a butcher knife and walked to the stairs. I carefully made my way a and checked as many rooms as I could until I made my way to my room. The door was cracked open. I always leave it closed. I moved to the side so I could see inside my room where I saw and tall boy in a flannel and black jeans and brown hair looking at a picture by my bed. Shawn. I would recognize him anywhere. I breathed in deep to hold back my tears and Shawn turned at the noise. His eyes met mine through the crack for the first time in 5 months. I placed the knife down on the small table in the hallway by my room. I pushed the door open and walked through the door. My lips fell into a straight line as I put my hands in the back pocket of my jeans. “Hey.” I said to him. “Hey.” He said back. We stood there awkwardly staring at each other for about five minutes. “Y/N, I’m so sorry about everything. These past five months have been hell, all I think about is you. You’re the only face I saw in the crowds and I cried myself to sleep at night when I should have been skyping you telling you about the shows and when interviewers asked me if I had a girlfriend I should have been smiling and saying yes instead of felling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I need you in my life, Y/N. I think… I think I love you.” Shawn said tearing up while looking at me with pleading eyes. “Shawn… I think I love you, too.” I said back to him. A huge smile broke across his face and he immediately pulled me into his strong arms and I never felt so safe in my entire life. Shawn picked me up and carried to my bed where we cuddled and spent the rest of the night watching The Vampire Diaries.


Haven’t written anything in a while so here ha goo:) sorry if it sucks


• Literally (LITERALLY) every inch of my body fucking hurts.
• I’m 99% sure a ghost with a huge dick and no lube is trying to fuck me?
• My poor panties, you were so cute you didn’t deserve that death I’m so sorry.
• I’m crying?? I’m not sad.. I mean apparently I am but I’m also pissed off and there’s no reason for either of these things. What the fuck ever.
• How do I function because idk fuck off
• There’s so much more but I’m really fucking over typing this stupid shit right now.

I feel like my braces are huge. My lips and cheeks hurt but looking at this photo, you’d never know. I suppose it’s not as noticeable than I feel it looks. I just want my lips to feel like they can fit over these damn things! They get caught on the edges. I’ve put some of the wax on the very last brackets because my cheek got so sore I couldn’t talk easily without pain. I don’t want to rely on it but I needed it last night and today. My bottom lip is now sore for whatever reason, the spots that are sore or hurt keep changing. I can’t wait til my body gets used to these. I can’t wait to eat normal foods again too, all the teeth that need to move most hurt most. Is that common? Well, I’ve only been able to chew anything on my left side, since my right side clashes so much with my rotated molar. I’ve eaten Parmesan noodles, rice, lo mein, steamed dumplings cut up small, smoothies, soup, and tonight’s dinner was soft chicken tenders and mashed potatoes. Mehhh. It’s hard to be healthy like I usually am when I can’t eat the things I’m used to like raw veggies and what not. Hopefully soon I’ll be able to!