my bestsellers

when you wrapped
my heart in your hand
I thought it was for safekeeping.
I didn’t expect you to be
the one to drop it.
—  and you stepped on it too, by shelby leigh
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Yesterday was the Worst Bestsellers live show at the Podcast Hotel! The hotel was actually cute as dicks, I gotta admit, and it definitely wasn’t a ruse to kidnap us and force us to make podcasts as slave labor!

A small but enthusiastic crowd came out to listen to Meredith Goldstein from the Boston Globe ask us questions and play dumb podcast games with us and I surprised Renata at the end with a birthday cupcake!

Here are some pictures! The audio will go up eventually!

Originally posted by leakees

Roman Reigns Mini-Fic: Polar Opposites - Part I

“He’s seriously such a dick that I can’t even fathom why so many women think he’s the greatest thing going on,” I muttered under my breath to no one in particular as I watched him out of the corner of my eye from my seat at the bar – women practically falling all over him for the chance to talk to him, to make an impression and maybe even be lucky enough to be the one to go back to his hotel room for the night.

“What ‘ere you muttering about, Chloe?” Dean sidled up to the seat next to me and caught the bartender’s attention, requesting whiskey on the rocks.

“That spectacle over there,” I jerked my head in the direction of where the crowd had gathered and nearly snorted in contempt.

“You really don’t like him, do ya, Chlo?” He grinned as he downed his whiskey in one gulp, immediately ordering another.

“I sure don’t,” I said with no hesitation, my eyes narrowed as I watched the scene unfolding in front of us. “I mean, seriously, what the fuck?”

Dean’s eyes flickered up to gaze at his friend surrounded by women. “He’s not as bad as you think he is,” he said quietly, not wanting to start anything but feeling the need to defend one of his oldest friends.

“Of course you’d take his side,” I snapped as I finished the last of my fireball and signaled for another.

“I’ve known him a lot longer than you have,” his eyes held mine and anyone else would have been concerned by the growing anger that glinted just underneath the surface of his gaze.

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HOW TO TREAT UR BITCH RIGHT: PART 2!! A Guide by Tamlin of the Spring Court

Oh shit waddup my subjects! So after I had made my bestselling PART ONE, my guy Lucien came to me during my manly pedicure (or MAN-icure as i call it) and said “Yo Tam that emo guy just clapped back!!” and HERE is tha proof.. 

Now look fam.. I got a real gud temper––my bitch Feyre can tell u that… but that shit was straight up bothersome. So I’m gonna make a Part 2 on how to treat ur bitch like I treat mine. She will luv u!

  1. Ok ok so like since u a man, u dont like 2 plan parties?? GET UR BITCH A HIGH PRIESTESS! My bitch Feyre got one named Ianthe, she’s sexy af and can plan hella raves.. 
  2. BUY UR BITCH HELLA PRESENTS!!!! This is so important. Like u will get laid so hord my brotha… But if she don’t like them, its ok. Just blow up. Like explode. She’ll realize how grateful she is!!
  3. Let’s say ur bitch had a fake ass Mating bond on her.. yo hit me up, I got a guy for that
  4. When u and ur bitch are at parties, ignore her. She’s so beautiful, she’s praktically decoration. And u don’t want ur bros bein like “Wow Tamlin, ur bitch is such a Bitch.. she thinks she can just go up and talk to us.. smh” Like your bros come first because they are ur bros.
  5. Fill ur house with sentries. Bitches love sentries. Just don’t make them 2 fine.. they tryna fuk!!
  6. oh my god ok so if that same fukin BAT come into ur MANOR at NIGHT to try to get UR BITCH.. go savage. go beast mode on him.. I didn’t and i regret it.. tragik ://///
  7. Speaking of which.. be sure to have hella security at ur wedding. Or get ready for a BAT-tle. OOH IM THE HIGH LORD OF PUNS BITCH
  8. U NEED UR SPACE MY DUDE! Don’t let ur bitch into ur man cave!! Even if she seem lonely.. she just playin hard 2 get she still love u tho
  9. Never forget: UR BITCH LIVES 2 SERVE U. You are her High Lord. Ain’t no such thing as a “High Lady” smh 
  10. .. unless u get ur Lady high lol

And now a message to Rhysand… Yo. Rhyses Pieces.. R-Sandy.. Tha Illest Illyrian.. We used 2 be brothas… then u killed my Brothers… and took my bitch… u leave me no choice..

Im gonna fight u, u punkass moth. 

BAM! That will shut him up… Thank u for reading, dont forget about this year’s Tithe comin up real soon!! Bring ur fam-ily to Tammy-T with all ur be-long-ings… shit i bust rhymes!! My guy Lucien back here jammin!! No trust me he is. 

Well I gotta go have mad sexytimes wit my bitch Feyre now, becuz we definitely still have those, see u later! 

Niall Horan Mini-Fic: Polar Opposites - Part I

“He’s seriously such a dick that I can’t even fathom why so many women think he’s the greatest thing going on,” I muttered under my breath to no one in particular as I watched him out of the corner of my eye from my seat at the bar – women practically falling all over him for the chance to talk to him, to make an impression and maybe even be lucky enough to be the one to go back to his hotel room for the night.

“What ‘ere you mutterin’ about, Chloe?” Brez sidled up to the seat next to me and caught the bartender’s attention, requesting whiskey on the rocks.

“That spectacle over there,” I jerked my head in the direction of where the crowd had gathered and nearly snorted in contempt.

“You really don’t like him, do ya, Chlo?” He grinned as he downed his whiskey in one gulp, immediately ordering another.

“I sure don’t,” I said with no hesitation, my eyes narrowed as I watched the scene unfolding in front of us. “I mean, seriously, what the fuck?”

Niall’s eyes flickered up to gaze at his friend surrounded by women. “He’s not as bad as ya think he is,” he said quietly, not wanting to start anything but feeling the need to defend one of his oldest friends.

“Of course you’d take his side,” I snapped as I finished the last of my fireball and signaled for another.

“I’ve known him a lot longer than you have,” his eyes held mine and anyone else would have been concerned by the growing anger that glinted just underneath the surface of his gaze.

Keep reading

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A wip of 910 medina studios that I’m decorating to fit the style of my San Myshuno Times bestseller writer sim, PJ Ranches (she wrote The Night the Moon Forgot to Shine). I wanted it to be ‘girly’ (whatever that means) because I never decorate this way or make ‘girly’ sims, so it was a fun challenge for me! And even more so doing it cc-free! Annnd right now there’s the minor problem that she can’t get past the barstools for some reason! But I managed to fit quite a lot into this tiny space.

There was a king.

Reigned in the east. There where kings will sit to feast they get their fill before they think of poisoned meat and poisoned drink. He gathered all that springs to birth from the many venomed earth; First a little, thence to more, he sampled all her killing store; And easy, smiling, seasoned sound, sate the king as healths went ‘round. They put arsenic in his meat, and stared aghast to watch him eat. They poured strychnine in his cup, and shook to see him drink it up. They shook, they stared as white their shirts: them it was their poison hurt. I tell the tale that I heard told - Mithridates, he died old. 

Isn’t that a fun little story? 

No, Mcpezberrylynnfabsonandercraw Von Sebroseportermanhudkelliot Chang, your eyes do not deceive you. I have returned. I jump higher, run faster, and I now hold the world record for the longest distance pulled by a horse while on fire, as witnessed by several bored Russian prostitutes. It has been a long three weeks, hasn’t it? 

Anecdotes aside, my father has reason to anticipate his campaign’s victory this coming Tuesday, and I encourage you to rejoice amongst yourselves. He ran a purely inspirational campaign, the likes of which I have been fortunate enough to experience first-hand this month, and extends his gratitude to those of you who may have needlessly pledged your time or money. 

Additionally, if you have not yet noticed, my blog has been updated. While the mechanics are essentially the same, there is a new feature which I expect will draw some attention. Under the main navigation, you can find a monthly excerpt from my bestselling autobiography, “Hunter Clarington: The Bloodline’s Burden.” This month’s excerpt has been taken from the ninth chapter of my life, and reads: 

“At the tender age of nine I embarked on my first tour of the New York Academy of Divine Arcanum. It was a sensually overwhelming experience: first, there were the alluring aromas flooding out from underneath the doors of Madame Jason’s. As a young Cardine-in-training, I had not yet been exposed to dessert (I celebrated birthdays with protein shakes and the occasional cheese platter). Upon noting my weakness in the face of those aromatic forbidden treasures, my father clasped my hand at once and pulled me along, enticing that he had something even better to show me. We stood out, then, on the roof of the observatory, and watched over the vast expanse of campus, equal in stature. My father put a hand on my shoulder, and with the other, unoccupied one, made a vast sweeping motion outward, “Everything the light touches,” He said, and smiled, “Is your kingdom.”. I remember quite liking the sound of that, but I had some hesitations. I pointed to a ghastly building off in the distance, cast in shadow, “Even that?” I asked. He shook his head, “No,” He said, “That’s Sciron Square. You must never go there.””

Cheers.

Signed, 
         - H.C. 

5 Things I Love

I gotta say, I don’t get tagged often in these tagging things, so the fact that @trans-parenting tagged me in the 5 Things I Love thing is a real treat. Also, I’ve had some bourbon so bear with me. Here are five things I love…

1. The Idiot Trilogy. Now only my friends know what The Idiot Trilogy is, but we’re buds so I’ll let you in on it. The Idiot Trilogy is a set of movies that, to me, are some of the funniest films from my adolescence and they’re all kinda related thanks to cast/crew. The films are: Three Amigos; Clue; Spies Like Us. I watch each at least once a year and find them funnier each time.

2. California. I was born in LA, but right after that we moved to DC. In my 20s I moved around a lot and saw a lot of the country. No place felt like home (even DC) until I landed back in Cali. Sunshine, beaches, movies, medicinal weed. It’s amazing.

3. Music. I know, I know. You probably want a genre or era or (gasp!) a band. Truth is: I love every kind of music. My morning playlist includes 1940s swing, 1990s alt rock, 1950s jazz, 1970s rock, 1980s punk… it’s stupid eclectic.

4. Writing. Both of my parents are talented writers, so naturally I said I’d never be a writer. But as I finished college and found I was writing in my downtime to unwind, I realized it was in my blood—no point in denying it. Still, it took a while to find my groove. Like decades. Now I’ve got a bestseller under my belt and two more books on the way.

5. My family. Have you seen my boys? My wife? Holy living fuck, did I hit the lottery or what? I could talk about how they inspire me or pick me up when I’m blue—all of that is true. But, man, they make me laugh so much. My god, I’ve never laughed so much… I love them more than anything I could write, anything I could hear, anything I could see, anywhere I could be.

So there you go. And now I get to tag some folks, so I’ll tag @kidsraisingkids, @mommyakajenna, @dadarocks, @shuggilippo, and @taylorswift.

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Hey I normally don’t promo my shop on my private blog but I need some extra money and I just restocked all of the buttons in my shop including my bestseller Dio button! I’m also working on adding more designs! They’re all $3 each, and certain pairs are $5.

Unfortunately, tumblr hates links and you gotta copy/paste the url i’m sorry etsy.com/shop/DorothysRainbowShop