my baby has gone to a new home

“touch me and you’ll never be alone, is-island breeze and lights down low”

“now go stand in the corner and think about what you did. HA!”

“people like me are gone forever when you say GOODBYE”

“I️ WAS REMINISCING JUST THE OTHER DAY WHILE HAVING COFFEE ALL ALONE, AND LORD, IT TOOK ME AWAY”

“they are the hunters, we are the foxes and we RUN”

“my baby’s fly like a daydream like a jet stream high above the whole scene loves me like i’m brand new”

“THIS NIGHT IS SPARKLING, DON’T YOU LET IT GO I’M WONDERSTRUCK, BLUSHING ALL THE WAY HOME”

“you take my hand and drag me headfirst FEARLESS and i️ don’t know why but with you i’d dance in a storm in my best dress FEARLESS”

“YOU SHOULD’VE SAID NO, YOU SHOULD’VE GONE HOME, YOU SHOULD’VE THOUGHT TWICE BEFORE YOU LET IT ALL GO”

“whiskey on ice, sunset and vine you’ve ruined my life by not being mine” *DING*

Shape of you

Summary: Dean meets someone in a bar. A hunter’s love affair ensues. 

Characters/Pairing: Dean x Reader, Sam, mention of Cas

Word Count: 1231

Warnings: hunters flirting, passing implications of smut but no actual smut

Author’s Note: This was written for @wildfirewinchester Meg’s Birthday Challenge. My prompt was the song “Shape of You” by Ed Sheeran. I hope you enjoy!

Originally posted by lucifersagents

Your name: submit What is this?

>

X

The club isn’t the best place to find a lover
So the bar is where I go
Me and my friends doing shots
Drinking fast then we talk slow
You come over and start a conversation with just me
And trust me, I’ll give it a chance

It is the end of a successful hunt–all his bruises and scrapes were hidden under his clothes, no blood got on his shoes (impossible to get out of leather), and no additional victims had been added to the body count. Perhaps low criteria for success, but it is what it is.

And now, it’s time to celebrate.

Dean is well aware that conversations can be conducted entirely through nonverbal communication; he and Sam do it all the time. He didn’t realize, however, that they could be conducted across a crowded bar with a woman he’d never met before, especially after several shots of whiskey.

She’s chatting with a frat boy and damn if she doesn’t look bored out of her mind.

‘Bored?’ his raised eyebrow asks.

‘Getting there,’ her shrug suggests.

‘Need some help?’ says his quick glance at her date.

‘Hell yes,’ replies her enthusiastic nod.

A quick flash of his FBI badge has frat boy gone in a skinny minute. The pentacle tattoo peeking out the low neckline of her blouse and the gun-shaped bulge at her hip starts a verbal conversation that goes ‘til last call.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

STEVE HOLDING HIS NEW BORN BABY FOR THE FIRST TIME AND CRYING. Steve as a stay-at-home dad, Steve sending 24 pictures per day of his baby on the avengers groupchat, and when he tones it down a bit bc he knows that's kinda obnoxious Tony is like WHATS THE BABY DOING and Natasha is like WHERE ARE MY PICTURES and sam is like HAVE YOU LOST YOUR BABY ALREADY

Peggy’s back at work in like five days. When she comes home from her first day back, she tells Steve that they’d cocked it up so badly while she was gone that SHIELD is now a defunct organization and they’re going to have to start all over.

So while she’s working on that, he takes care of their new baby girl, Gloria. The first few days, he has a terrible time; he cries every time she cries, stands at her crib and watches her sleep for hours at a time, wrangles with his first diaper because he’s afraid if he pulls too hard he’ll hurt her.

She’s so tiny he can hold her in one hand. Most of her body fits on his palm, her head supported by his fingers. It’s kind of hilarious and really, really adorable, so he pulls out his cell phone and snaps several pictures. Reveling in technology, he sends it to everyone, except Peggy, because she’s busy and he can show her later.

After that it becomes a thing; nearly every hour he finds some new pose to send out, or accidentally snaps a shot of Gloria giving the camera the finger, or every time she opens her eyes and he gets to see that beautiful dark brown, just like her mother’s.

In a week, he’s sent almost four hundred pictures, and accrued several hundred more that he hasn’t sent out. JARVIS informs him that his phone won’t be able to store many more. And he realizes that his friends haven’t replied in a day or so.

He can’t bring himself to delete any of the pictures he’s taken, so he transfers them to his computer. He stops sending his friends everything, too.

Half an hour later his phone blings at him several times in a row.

Tony: whats sausage creature doing

Natasha: Everything okay? Haven’t gotten a picture in a bit.

Sam: dude what did you do, leave her on a park bench? pictures???

Clint: I need a new picture for my background

Bruce: HULK WANT PICTURES (Steve’s pretty sure Hulk didn’t send this, he hopes, Bruce has been getting better about joking really this is a joke right?)

Jane: Thor’s getting sad over here. Send help? Or pictures?

and

Tony: srsly sausage creature???/?? snapchat me smth is she napping is she pooping is she eating come on

He’s mid-reply when someone knocks on the apartment door. It’s Bucky, holding a really big knife, holy crap, and looking frantic. “What happened?” he asks, barging past Steve. “Where’s Gloria?”

“She’s fine,” Steve says. “She’s napping. In her room. Which is a knife-free zone.”

Bucky turns to him and glares, putting the knife—machete?—on the counter. “Where are my pictures?”

“Well—I stopped sending them. I thought you guys might be getting sick of them.” He follows as Bucky turns and walks away, heading to the baby’s room. “I didn’t even think you knew how to look at messages." His phone is going off again.

Natasha: Steve? Starting to freak me out here?

He types out a quick reply and sends it, including one of his more recent pictures, to placate her, because if he doesn’t she might just rappel down into Gloria’s bedroom and he just doesn’t need that kind of paperwork.

Bucky is standing over Gloria’s crib, looking intently into it. Steve comes to stand next to him, and for a few seconds they both just look at the sleeping baby.

Finally, Bucky reaches down with his metal arm and traces one of her very blond eyebrows as softly as he can. “I can see them. I just haven’t figured out how to reply,” he mutters. “Don’t stop sending them. I like them.”

"Of course you do,” Steve agrees. “You’re her godfather. It’s a requirement.”

“Exactly.”

Even Though I’m Gone

From the Tittle there I guess you can figure out that Yes this is more angst. I took my time trying to make it sad AF made my Husband tear up when he read through it, and so I hope y’all enjoy this SaeyoungxMC Angst! ^.^


There was so much that was going on with the bomb and mint eye that Saeyoung and I didn’t really have a chance to talk about my background, and that was a topic I feared the most knowing how bad it was and the fact that Saeyoung knew all about it was the most terrifying thing. After things had calmed down with Saeran and the matter of where I would be staying from that moment on was decided, I had decided to ask Saeyoung to talk in private. After the two of us make our way into our shared bedroom he asks “MC what’s wrong, is everything okay?” my nerves were getting the better of me as I stood there attempting to build the courage to talk to him about the dangers of my past. The silence that filled the room was weighing heavily on me as I looked at the ground thinking of a way that I could talk about this with Saeyoung. I loved him so much and I know he can take care of himself but the ghosts of my past where brutal, and the last thing I wanted was for him to get hurt because of me.

After what seemed like hours of silence Saeyoung was the first to speak once he realized what it was that was bothering me “MC is this about your past? If so I think it will all be ok, according to the police reports your ex-boyfriend hasn’t been seen around here in years” his voice was calm and relaxing making all of my worries melt away finally allowing me to speak “Saeyoung, you read the police reports right? So you know what he did to me right? Those scars are still there and I am just scared he will come back to finish what he started. I don’t want you to get hurt because of me.” I did my best to keep my voice from trembling but to no avail. I was soon wrapped in a warm embrace as Saeyoung held me tightly to his chest and spoke in a low whisper “There is no way that he would be able to hurt me, and besides I am God Seven-Zero-Seven! There is nothing you need to fear with me here to protect you.” Soon we lay down in bed for the night and I am asleep almost immediately as I am wrapped in Saeyoung’s comforting embrace.

In the morning I wake to hear loud noises coming from the kitchen, and when I get there I see two red haired men attempting to cook breakfast. It was my birthday today and I had completely forgotten until Saeran had said something as I walked into the kitchen, and I was soon forced into an awkward hug from him for the first time ever. His actions shocked both me and Saeyoung, and once he had pulled away from the hug he said in a shy manor “T-Thank you for always being there for me, a-and happy birthday MC.” My heart was filled with joy knowing that Saeran had become so affectionate for once, but the moment was over quickly when Saeyoung pulled us both into a tight hug causing Saeran to yell at him with anger. The three of us have our breakfast that is surprisingly not too bad considering the twins do not cook, and soon they are leading me to one of my favorite of Saeyoung’s cars. The pure black 67’ Chevy impala with light brown leather seats that Saeyoung had as a collector’s item really, sat in front of us with all its glory, and Saeyoung turned to me and gave me a kind smile as he handed me the keys.

Once our trio arrived in town the twins lead me around taking me all over the place, and we stopped at almost every single one of my favorite shops. the sun began to set a we all sat in the park on a soft blanket lay down on the grass, and Saeran had gone off to get some snacks leaving me and Saeyoung alone at last. It was not as though I did not enjoy Saeran’s presence, it was more like I was happy to have Saeyoung all to myself. The two of us just sat there in silence watching the sun set, and then I remembered that there was something important that I needed to tell Saeyoung. Just as I was about to open my mouth to speak I could hear a familiar and terrifying voice call out my name “MC! What the hell are you doing with that man, I thought I told you we would be forever!” my whole body shook with fear just remembering all the pain this man had put me through.

While I was deep in thought remembering the scars that my ex-boyfriend had left me with Saeyoung had stood up, and he stood in front of me shielding me from the sight of the man as he held out a Gun that I did not notice until now. And I was scared for Saeyoung knowing that that man that once hurt me so much would not hesitate to shoot. I could only watch in fear as my Ex pointed the gun at Saeyoung  with anger in his eyes, and then it was as though time froze the moment I heard a loud bang. I reached out to Saeyoung as he fell to the ground, and I swear that you could hear the sound of my heart breaking into a million pieces at the sight of the love of my life covered in blood in my arms choking on his own blood.

I could not see my ex-boyfriend anywhere, but there was a crowd forming around us one man had called an ambulance while the rest just watched as I spoke to the love of my life for the last time. “Saeyoung please don’t leave me! I need you with me.” I could not stop my tears from falling, but honestly I didn’t care. I was about to lose the most important person in my life, and there was nothing I could do about it, “MC it’s okay, I will always be with you. Even if I am no longer here in this world, I will always be with you.” his voice was low and raspy as blood dripped from his lips. “Saeyoung I-I have something…Something I need to tell you.” My heart was breaking into a million pieces but I needed to tell him two more things before he left me forever. “S-Saeyoung…I-I” the words would not come out, my body relaxed immediately once I felt his cold had reach out and touch my cheek. “Saeyoung…I-I’m Pregnant with our First child.” A small smile flashed across his face at my words, and his hand that was on my cheek slowly made its way to my stomach where his hand stayed as he addressed our unborn child “I need you to take care of your mother, she is going to need you to help her smile since I won’t be around. I love you little one, more than you could know.”

Saeyoung took hold of my hand, I looked into his eye’s that were slowly losing their color as he said to me “I Love you. Today, Tomorrow…Forever, and ever. Without you, I would never have had hope.” he slowly closed his eyes and before I could answer his hand went limp in mine. I hadn’t noticed that Saeran had returned until I felt him take Saeyoung’s weight from me, and with us both screaming as we watched someone so precious to us leave unwillingly the people in the crowd began to cry with us.

Eight months had passed since that day and I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, and I was so happy to see that he looked so much like his father. Saeran is there for both me and Seojun every step of the way, and Saeran even helps me to take care of Saeyoung’s toy shop occasionally he will make some new toys to sell as well. It is still lonely without Saeyoung with us and I wish he could meet our beautiful baby boy, but even though he is gone I still feel him here by my side. Some days it almost feels as though Saeyoung has been with us every step of the way watching over us, and sometimes I feel like that day never happened and he will come home with Saeran after work. I do not think I will ever fall in love again, and why would I in the first place. I have a beautiful son, a caring brother in-law, and when my time comes I have a loving husband waiting for me on the other side.


I hope you enjoyed this extremely depressing fan fiction and maybe soon I will have something a little more happy ^.^ Love Y’all and have a fantabulous day!

2

After staying in the hospital for a week, in horrible pain, only to come home and continue being in pain while waiting for answers, THEN finding out I am being put on a course of chemo which will most likely destroy the person I know in the mirror right now, my sweet boyfriend has gone above and beyond to put a smile on my face every single day. He stayed with me in the hospital nonstop, brought me anything I needed, gave me bed baths, and today he surprised me with our new little baby! We chose to name her Mikayla after his sister who was killed in a car accident, and she is already so attached to him. We love her so much & I couldn’t be more grateful for the constant morale boosts from a man that truly cares about me and my well-being, even in the hardest of times 💕

We had two wonderful adult cats from AHS. We sadly lost our furry 13-year-old “BOO” boy to his disease along with cancer. My family, and our other cat, has been so distraught for months. My husband decided he was ready to bring another cat into our family but was set on a kitten. While peeking at the pages of pets online, he wanted a kitten called Llama who was temporarily residing with her siblings and mama at the Buffalo location.

After meeting with Llama, it was clear, she was coming home. My husband named her after the one we lost but added to it. Her new name is “Booboo” kitty. Honestly, she is similar as to having a toddler in the house again and lots of baby proofing as the week has gone by. I have been working with her on training, so I will not continue to be her human pin cushion, and we have loads of unused toys to keep her as stimulated and busy as possible.

Our 14-year-old, “Miss Lily,” has been warming up to Booboo slowly. They have been caught sleeping back to back. Lily sometimes looks at her like…. what is with her? (All the energy she possesses!)

Even Lily wants to play with the toys more now. Booboo has brightened and yes turned our world around and we love having her with us. She keeps us all on our toes and yes, we have had to place a bell on her so we know where she is at. Lol!

-Pam

Ok so my speculation of the curse breaking and Emma coming to find Hook is gone. Because she has her Killian at home in Storybrooke. We will miss you Jmo.

My new speculation… the curse breaks and Henry instantly calls home to talk to Emma and tell her he is ok and on his way home. Emma sends him a photo of Killian holding his newborn baby and tells Henry he is officially a big brother and to hurry home soon for diaper duty.

This fan base is growing insanely fast and I couldn’t be anymore happier for Abel and his team, they all deserve this and so much more. It feels like it was just yesterday that there was some foul-mouthed unknown singer posting videos anonymously on YouTube under the name xoxxxoooxo that somehow stole my heart. I’m still processing that Abel is gonna presenting at the 57th Annual Grammy Awards tomorrow night which might not seem like a big deal to some people, but it’s pretty big deal to me, considering that this man was homeless not that long ago. Talk about motivational. My boy is about to annihilate some careers; I mean he demolishes every track he features on, his vocals are compared to one of the biggest name in the music industry, he writes his own lyrics and he raps too.  

Tho with fame, comes new fans and I will always welcome new fans with open arms, cookies and milk. But it’s scary too. I understand it comes with the territory and I’m so happy for Abel but I have doubts, like what if he changes? What if he gets cocky? What if his music just isn’t the same anymore? I have questions, and despite Abel telling me to not question his directions, I question him. Like Love Me Harder, wyd bruh?? 
Listening to Drinks on Us, Often, Earned It, it makes me wonder, is this what his new album going to sound like? All those songs are mainstream, they’re songs you hear on the radio, they’re songs you hear some basic hoe singing or humming to and that’s okay. But that’s not what got him here and Abel knows that.

I have this letter printed out–you should print it out too–and I would read it whenever Love Me Harder comes on the radio (I fucking hate that song my god) and any doubts that I have are gone. Abel has proven to be a man of his words and nothing less. 

2015 is about to be a big fucking year for xo and I’m so here for this. If you here for this too, I fucks witchu fam; if you’re new, welcome home baby; if you’re leaving because Abel is changing, I hope you enjoyed your stay. 

XOTWOD!

For Those Who Missed Phil’s Liveshow!

-Dan has a cold

-Phil brushes his teeth before doing liveshows

-Phil keeps getting reported for nudity over his clavicles

-He has a lot of stories to tell about the tour but will tell them later

-His favorite part about being home is not being on a shaking bed (he often fell off of it)

-Spring Cleaning of his closet coming soon

-His favorite baking video was the Halloween brownie graveyard, and he wants to do Halloween baking this year again

-Filmed gaming videos, Dil tomorrow, new video game soon

-“Where are my parents?” Phil’s impression of Dil while being neglected during the tour

-He first played Doom 1 with Martyn

-Phil flosses once every two weeks, usually only because he has stuff in his teeth

-He’ll be showing his houseplants in his next AmazingPhil video

-His personality trait is introverted, he’s not sure what the ending was

-He took the Wii U with him on tour, hinted at him getting the tour bus room with the TV

-He ran with the traffic looking for his taxicab because he left his bookbag in it, he ran ¾ of a mile and ran straight into the road to stop the cab

-Phil would’ve cried if he couldn’t have gone home that day

-He barked at someone’s dog who was watching the liveshow

-He missed his parents a lot; mama lester sent him summer candles

-Candle Haul

-Free the knees

-Undertale is coming soon

-He’s watching death parade currently

-Phil teaches how to braid, he braids his fringe

-Martyn watered his plants when he came back for a while

-He failed his magnet quest

-He’s never watched Orange Is The New Black

-“What’s your favorite Sims video? Wh- I can’t choose my baby!”

-Phil took German in school but Dan didn’t

-Phil has the app Snapchat but doesn’t use it, only to look at the filters

-He would eat a block of cheese to have pokemon go

Mentions of Dan (by name, not counting ‘we’): 13

Chapter TwentyThree

Nalani

“Come on Lani, Lani, Laniiii, Nalaniiii, hurry up, why you moving so slow? Want me to carry you, cause Ill carry you ? Baby, hurry up ba-”,

“Enough!”, I yelled cutting Tyson off mid sentence as he paced our walk in wardrobe like he had just downed 8 shots of espresso. He had been buzzing since waking up this morning and has barely taken a few minutes to just sit down and relax.

I couldn’t say I blamed him for his buzzing behaviour though as today was the day we were finally bringing our son home. It had been a week since going to the orphanage and since then, Tyson and I had been religiously making trips there everyday.

When Tyson finally came home the day we saw our son for the first time, he didnt arrive until late at night, which sparked up my concern and worry. When he did finally come back not only was his not manic but he seemed to be sober and unharmed which immediately put my mind to rest.

Though he was silent which was normal for him, he took a shower without a single word before slipping into basketball shorts and collapsing on our bed where he proceeded to tell me everything that happened after he left the orphanage.

Once he explained everything, I couldn’t be mad or upset with him for leaving so suddenly as I understood he needed this closure with his past before moving on with his future. Not only did I feel proud of him, what made me even more happier was finding out he had even returned to the orphanage and spent the rest of the afternoon watching our son play with the other children.

Although it was an amazingly life changing day, both Tyson and I were exhausted from all the emotions we had endured and did not have a ounce of trouble falling asleep and after an amazing night’s sleep in my love’s arms, we woke bright and early and made our way back to the orphanage so that Tyson could officially meet his son.

Though Ty was nervous about meeting Isaiah for the first time officially, he ended up having nothing to worry about because just like me, Isaiah gave a warm welcome to Ty as soon as he saw him. As soon as our baby boy was escorted into one of the rooms we were in and spotted Tyson little Isaiah literally broke out into a run and crashed his tiny body into Tyson’s and wrapped his arms around his daddies body.

Of course I couldn’t hold my tears in and I could have even sworn that I saw Tyson even tear up a little as he carefully hugged Isaiah back and held his son in his arms for the first time.

Since that very emotional day we had spent most of our days there, catching up on lost time with our little man and getting to know him better. Even our friends J, Jasmine as well as Adrian and Briana had come by a number of times to spend some time with their nephew who they all seemed to fall in love with. 

Although this was an amazing time for us all, it also happen to be one of the biggest media stories to hit the sports world in a long time. Due to the investigation that had sparked up, the media caught wind of it and the headlines the next day were all about ‘Tyson Brown’s kidnapped son, finally found’ or ‘Long lost son hidden in Orphanage’, too name a few.

Paparazzi have literally been camping outside our home as well as having our phones ringing off the hook 24/7 which led to Ty literally throwing his mobile at the wall and shattering it. And if that wasn’t bad it even went as far as me having to pull out of college due to all the attention and paparazzi that had been following me there.

Despite the constant flashing of cameras in our face, yesterday the confirmation of what we already knew had come in. The paternity test results where in and like expected, Isaiah Combs was indeed our son and the first act of parenthood was to bring our son home the next day as well as legally having his name changed backed too Isaiah Tyson Brown.

That leaves us with today and why Tyson was buzzing around like he had just bathed in cocaine for a few hours. We were finally bringing our baby home and as of today we were officially going to be a family.

“Lani we gonna be running late baby, you gotta hurry up”, Ty stressed which pulled me out of my thought while his gazed flicked down to his rolex on his wrist for what seemed like the 100th time this morning.

“Sweetheart, we actually still have a hour so please relax and stop rushing me before I end up kicking your ass and making you stay here”, I said nicely as I grinned and wiped off the imaginary dust off his shoulders, causing him to huff while his shoulders slumped down.

“Ight, ight Ill chill out”, He sighed dramatically although I could tell he was still buzzing and just wanted to get up and out of there as soon as possible, “How about you go and check that his room is all ready?”, I suggested as I knew he just needed something to keep him busy until we could leave.

“Yea good idea, you packed all his clothes away?”, He asked over his shoulder as he began making his way out the door, “Yep all packed up baby”, I nodded as I watched him grin while disappearing out of my view.

Tyson and I had Isaiah’s room renovated and decorated to suit his favourite sport which just so happened to be Basketball. Of course Tyson was so proud and was literally beaming when Isaiah had told us and so as soon as we got home that afternoon Ty had people come in and get to work on one of the guest rooms.

Now, Isaiah has one of the coolest basketball themed rooms any kid could wish for and not to mention a completely new wardrobe that Briana, Ty and I had gone out and shopped for the day before.

Of course Tyson went all out for his son, resulting in him spending thousands on thousands of dollars and not to mention the 10 new pairs of baby jordans that now graced Isaiah’s mini walk in wardrobe.

Fixing my hair in the mirror, I added some light make up before admiring my outfit one last time with a smile on my face. Grabbing my handbag, I made my way down the stairs only to find my kitten Mason laid out on the countertop, sleeping his life away.

I couldnt wait for Isaiah to meet Mason as I had a feeling they were going to be great buddies because Mason was a tiny quiet pet that I just knew Isaiah would love.

“You are the cutest kitty out, aren’t you? Gonna meet your new brother today huh”, I cooed as I rubbed his belly waking him up in the process just as Tyson jogged down the stairs while talking on the phone, fists balled tightly.

“How they find out man?”, He gritted out in the phone causing my eyebrows to shoot up questioningly while Tyson’s jaw tensed repeatedly, “Well make sure you double the security man, I’on want none of these vultures taking pictures of my son”, He continued to rant while pacing the kitchen.

I on the other hand continued to listen to the one sided conversation while making both Tyson and I a sandwich before we had to head out and face a long day of questions and paper work before we could actually bring our son home.

“Ight man, Imma chill but I better be seeing a shit load of security when I get there”, He huffed before mumbling a goodbye and hanging up his new iphone that we had to get him since smashing his last one. Thats been 5 iphones in a month. Shaking my head at the thought I decided not asking any questions about the phone call because I knew he was already upset about whatever was wrong and I didnt want to make it worse.

InsteadI handed him his sandwich and glass of juice before making my way around the counter and kissing his cheek before taking a seat next to him 

“Media found out that we bringing him home today”, Ty confirmed my suspicion after a few minutes of silence, “Someone from the inside is obviously tipping them off”, I sighed while shaking my head as this was the last thing I wanted my son to come home too.

Already being the shy boy he was, I wasn’t entirely sure how Isaiah would react to the consent paparazzi following and the lights flashing in our faces once we start going out in public again.

“Bet it’s that old hoe at reception. Bitch always shooting death stares whenever we go there”, He grumbled in annoyance while he played around with his sandwich, not once taking a bite of it. Placing my elbow on the counter, I rested my cheek in the palm of my hand as I frowned at the thought of all this media attention we were receiving.

Its like they couldn’t just leave us alone and let us just enjoy this time with our son. By now they all knew the situation and yet they gave no sympathy to the fact that we just needed privacy so we could make up for lost time.

“Hey, don’t be sad baby. I promise its all gonna blow over soon”, Tyson suddenly mumbled softly, pulling me out of my thoughts as I smiled at his fingers brushing my cheek affectionately.

Kissing the inside of his palm, I let out a sigh before lifting my head off my hand and sat up straight, “I just want to be able to take him to the zoo and like disney world without having to worry about paps lurking around, you know?”, I blurted out causing me to mentally curse myself as I knew Ty would get the wrong idea.

Sighing, Tyson rubbed his hand down his face before turning his wrist around so he could once again check the time, “This the life we living now Lani, we cant change that so the best we can do is just ignore and avoid them as much as possible”, He said in a almost pleading manner as if he was afraid I would just up and disappear.

“Hey, Im not going anywhere Ty. Dont even think for a second that I wished I could leave you and get away from this public life. I love and want you and if that means dealing with the media just to be with you then thats fine with me”, I assured him as I knew those doubts were running through his mind at present.

“In that case, lets go get our kid”, He grinned before getting off the stool and kissing my cheek a few times, “Thank you for the sandwich by the way”, He smirked as I playfully rolled my eyes, “You didnt even eat it”, I pouted causing him to chuckle while I took a few bites out of my own.

“Food is the last thing on my mind, woman. Sooner we leave and get there, the sooner we officially have our son back”, He beaming causing my chest to swell at the excitement that was evident in his voice and eyes.

“Well we wasting our time just sitting here aren’t we? Lets get moving”, I winked as I placed our dishes in the sink and grabbed my hand while Tyson held his hand out waiting to grab hold of it.

Smiling as I laced my fingers with his, I quickly stood on my tippy toes before he could begin walking and pecked his lips and cheek a few times. The overwhelming need to just show him how much I loved him was strong and all I wanted to do was stay wrapped up in his arms.

“You love your man huh?”, He smirked as I playfully rolled my eyes and pulled away only to have him pull me back and crash my small body into his as he began attacking me with kisses all over my face, lips and neck.

Breaking out into a fit of giggles and squealing, I cherished the moment before finally giving up my struggle and let him devour me with his affection, “You, my babygirl. Are by far the greatest gift the devil has ever given me. You healed me”, He whispered in my ear causing me to close my eyes as I listened to our hearts beating rapidly.

“I dont know whether I should be offended or flattered”, I murmured into his neck causing him to instantly chuckle as he understood I was referring to the part where he suggested the devil brought me to him.

“Flattered. Definitely flattered”, He laughed lightly before pressing his lips to mine one last time and releasing me from his hold, “Come on Romeo, lets go get our son”, I chuckled as we made our way towards the garage and got into Tyson’s new range rover that he brought for when Isaiah was with us.

“You know this car is yours right?”, Ty muttered as I put my belt on and ran my hand over the new leather that felt extra soft due to being only a few days old, “Uh no, its yours Ty”, I frowned while shaking my head.

“Think what you want but its in your name and you only driving Isaiah around in this car”, He stated in a matter of factly tone causing me to glare as I turned in my seat to face him.

“And what’s wrong with my car?” I asked trying to decide if I should be annoyed or humored by this new rule of his that he had just decided to enforce.

“It aint child proofed”, He shrugged as the humor side won causing me to start laughing while shaking my head. Once my laughter had died down, I turned my attention back to Ty who hadn’t cracked the slightest hint of laughter which informed me he was dead serious.

“Okay fine, explain?”, I sighed causing an annoying ass grin to form on his face which only tempted me to reach over and slap it off his cocky self, “Its got top of the line air bag installed, high tech alarm system, built in tracking GPS, tinted windows so paparazzi can’t be looking in anddddd I got them to hook me up. All the windows and doors are bullet proof”, He cheesed like a kid in the candy store while I on the other hand looked at him dumbfounded.

“Uhhh thats more like theghettoproof than childproof dont you think? And why in the world would we need GPS tracking in the car? Trying to keep tabs on me?”, I frowned while his grin turned into a smirk.

“Aint no one keeping tabs on yo paranoid ass, its just in case someone jacks the car while Isaiah still inside. We can track them mother fuckers in a instant”, He said in a matter of factly tone while I once again bit down on my lip trying to hide my amusement.

“And you’re calling me paranoid?”, I laughed lightly while deciding to let it go as I knew he wasnt use to all this parenthood stuff and was right now just being overly protective of his son, “Bullet proof windows, though?”, I mumbled through laughter more to myself than him although he just shrugged his shoulder while looking over and winking.

Driving in a comfortable silence, Ty held my hand most of the way and try to subtly sneak peeks at me every so often. Finally letting my amusement get the best of me I licked over my glossed lips before turning in my chair so I could stare him down.

“Why do you keep looking at me like that?”, I grinned as I eyed him carefully, trying to decode his boyish grin he currently wore, “What I cant just look at my woman?”, He asked innocently causing me to suck my teeth playfully.

“Tyson”, I huffed sternly causing him to break out in laughter while shaking his head and shifting gears at the same time, “You just look really pretty today”, He shrugged casually as I looked at him with my mouth hanging open.

“You might wanna close your mouth you giving me ideas”, He smirked causing me to snap my mouth shut as I rolled my eyes, “Did you just say I was ‘pretty’?”, I asked in an astonished tone sending Ty to suck his teeth.

“What I can’t compliment you now?”, He asked with a raised eyebrow while I bit down on my lip in amusement, “Well its just I never expected the big bad Tyson King to use the words ‘pretty’, sounds kinda fruity coming from you, don’t you think?”, I mocked before busting up in laughter at the salty look he wore.

“Thats it! Remind me never to compliment your ungrateful ass again”, Ty huffed as I tried to compose myself before pouting at him while I lent over and kissed his cheek.

“I’m just messing with you baby, thank you for the compliment”, I said softly causing the corner of his lips to rise, although he still tried to frown so he wouldn’t give in to my charming ways.

Once again we fell into a comfortable silence, the only sound was coming from the radio as the trip to the orphanage got closer and closer. Within the next 20 minutes we were pulling up to the street that the mansion was on but the first thing that caught both our eyes was something we both were dreading.

Dozens of vans sat parked out across the road while cameramen, reporters and news crews stood around the main closed gates that led to the long driveway of the orphanage, “Wish I had a machine gun right now. Couple of rounds would have done the job”, Ty muttered under his breath as I just rubbed his thigh trying to sooth him.

Pulling out his phone, he sent Brock a quick message so they could open the gates before proceeding down the street and towards the chaos that was here for us. As soon as one of the reporters spotted our car, hundreds of flashes started taking off, followed by everyone scurrying around trying to get the best position to film.

Tyson being the ruthless person he was, didnt slow down the car as we got closer and instead increased his speed just as the gates began opening. Thankfully the orphanage was on private property so none of the media was actually allowed to step foot inside the gates otherwise they could be arrested for trespassing.

Despite our moving vehicle, Tyson turned right into the opened gates causing the paps to swarm on both sides as they ruthlessly got up close to the windows while yelling out questions.

Noticing my flinch as one pap pressed up to the window outside, Ty reached over and held my hand in comfort, “Tinted windows, they can’t see anything baby”, Ty reminded me before smirking as if he made a point of having such a heavy ‘childproof’ car.

Before I could come up with a smart remark, my attention turned to Brock, Remy and a team of bodyguards that were suddenly around the car pushing the paps away so we could drive in. Tyson was once again tense and by the time we got inside the gates and up the driveway I knew he was less than impressed.

Not wanting him to be in a foul mood when we see our son, I quickly took my belt off and sat up on my seat so I could fully face him, “Dont be a grumpy pants TyTy. This is a happy day for us, please be happy”, I plead with a pout which seemed to work almost instantly as Tyson started chuckling while shaking his head.

“You a trip, but come here baby”, He muttered as he met me half way and pressed his big, juicy lips on my glossy ones.

Pulling away, I used my thumb to wipe off the gloss that managed to get on his lips before sending him a smile and opening my car door which Brock was hovering over.

“Y’all trying to get it on in the car or nah?”, Brock mumbled in disgust as I just laughed and slid out of the car that seemed to be a meter off the ground, “Gotta show my man some loving, ya now?”, I chuckled while shrugging my shoulders while Brock just shook his head as he lead me to where Ty was now standing.

“You guys ready?”, Remy grin causing me to cheese as I hastily nodded my head while Tyson sent one head nod trying not to ruin is reputation of being a emotionless ass.

“Man fuck outta here with that tuff guy shit, you forgetting who we are?”, Brock laughed loudly as he slapped Ty on his back before locking him in a head lock causing them both to playfully wrestle as the paps could still be heard from down the long drive way.

“Yo dickheads, now they gonna be saying y’all getting into a fight. Cut that shit out”, Remy ordered as they both pulled away laughing before Tyson turned around and started flipping off the paparazzi.

“Okay time to get him inside, before his pulls his pants down and starts mooning them”, I mumbled to no one in particular while linking my arm with Tysons and leading him up the stairs.

“Ya both need to relax, we just fucking around with them mother fuckers”, Tyson chuckled as he held his free fist up and diced Brock who was also laughing. Remy on the other hand looked liked he was about to slap the shit out of the both of them but instead took a deep breath and made his way through the doors first.

“Y’all gonna give poor Rem a heart attack one of these days”, I laughed lowly as they both just smirked while shrugging their shoulders.

Heading straight to the large meeting room where we spent most of our time here, Remy held the door open for Ty and myself before following behind us with B.  Already sitting inside was the Principal, the child services representatives as well as the two detectives working on the case. Standing as soon as we entered, we shook all their hands before taking a seat around the rounded conference table, which was used for meetings.

“We aren’t going to keep you long as we know you both are excited to take Isaiah home and put this mess all behind you but we do have a few official papers for you too sign before you go”, Raymond who was child services said as he reached into his brief case and pulled out a bunch of documents.

Standing slightly in his seat, Remy reached over and accepted the sheets from Raymond so he could look over, as Rem was in fact also Tysons lawyer thanks to his 6 years at Harvard Law.

“While he goes over those documents I thought we could give you a quick briefing on how the investigation is going”, The older detective said sparking both Tyson and my interested up almost instantly.

“After getting the doctor in custody he didn’t waste a second spilling everything. Turns out Doctor Ryan who delivered Isaiah and worked on both Nalani and Isaiah during their weeks in hospital was being blackmailed by a Terrence Howard and his wife, who we came to find out was in fact your mother and stepfather”, He explained causing me to nod my head slowly as I swallowed the lump in my throat. Ty on the other hand, grew tense just at the mention but quickly wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him in comfort.

“Usually we aren’t allowed to discuss the material with clients but we thought it was only fair you know what Terrence had on the doctor. Terrence had a video of Doctor Ryans daughter having sex with 3 men while doing high doses of cocaine and was threatening to go public if he didnt pretend the child had died. Dr Ryan is a highly respected doctor in the west and so to protect his and his families’ reputation he took the bribe and announced the death of Isaiah and shipped him off to a orphanage. When brought here, Ryan had informed the orphanage that Isaiah was abandoned and so naturally they took him in”, The second detective finished off just as Tyson began gritting his teeth roughly.

“The doctor is being charged, right?”, Principle Jones asked on our behalf as we both sat there trying to digest this new information.

“Yes Dr Jones has been refused bail and is currently being charged on 3 counts of kidnapping and fraud as he did issue a fake death certificate which I’m sure you are all aware is illegal”, He replied instantly causing me to let out a sigh while resting my head on Tysons shoulder. Ty on the other had was breathing so hard that his chest was heaving up and down and I knew better than anyone that the only thing in his mind right now was killing Doctor Ryan himself.

“As for Terrance and his wife,  we have sent out a warrant for both of their arrests although they have been missing for some weeks now which we believe is because they are on the run. Whoever tipped you guys off with that anonymously phone call may have told the couple which has consequently scared them off”, The older detective once again took charge and explained, though as he gave his explanation but Ty and I knew the truth.

They would never find my mother and stepfather because Tyson himself tortured and killed them and there was no anonymous call so we both didn’t expect to be hearing any news about it for a long time.

“Is that all? Anything else we need to be briefed on?”, Remy suddenly asked as he stood up in his seat while placing both his hands firmly on the table.

“That’s all so far, we will be in touch if we get anymore leads and please remember not to hesitate if you find out anything yourselves or are contacted by the fugitives”, Older detective said as he stood up followed by the younger one.

“He didn’t say why did he? I mean the doctor, did he say why my mother would do this to me?”, It wasn’t one of the questions the interrogator asked him but I can make a note to try and find out for you", The younger one answered with sympathy causing me to sigh. 

Leaning over they both shook Remy and Tysons hand while I just sat their with my head down not really wanting to look them in the eye due to being afraid that they could tell I knew something more.

“Oh one more thing, we will be releasing the approved press release to the media once you both have got your son safely home”, The detective stopped and said before making their way out of the meeting room and out of sight.

“Well if this doesn’t feel like we are in some sort of movie than I don’t know what does”, Principle Jones muttered in a sympathetic tone before shooting me a small encouraging smile that I appreciated.

“So the paperwork all checks out?”, I asked Remy who was skimming over the last page before looking up and nodding his head, “Pretty much states you both as his parents and legal guardians.  This one is for his name change so we can get it back to ‘Brown’ and last but not least this one is to approve and agree to abolish Isaiah’s false death certificate”, Remy explained causing me to nod as he slid each one in front of Tyson and myself.

Handing a pen over to me, I picked it up and without a moments hesitation I signed all 15 pages of official documents before handing to Tyson who done the same without muttering a single word. As expected Ty was in silent mode and I knew it was only because his mind was running a mile a minute, which I couldn’t blame him for.

Once Tyson and myself finished signing the papers, Principle Jones also had to sign, as she was a legal witness in the matter before handing all the documents to Raymond who was hastily waiting to leave.

Standing up, we all shook the child services representative’s hand before watching him leave alongside Principle Jones who was going to bring our son so we could once and for all leave as a real family.

Standing beside the desk, my gaze was glued to window and outside as my mind was running with different thoughts and scenarios of how family life would be like once we got home.  I mean, am I even capable of being a mother? Would I know how to raise a child when I was barely an adult myself.

Suddenly the feel of arms wrapping around my waist brought me out of my thoughts followed by Tyson resting his face In the crook of my neck where he proceeded to leave multiple kisses.

“Stop stressing, your going to be an amazing mom”, He mumbled instantly causing me to sigh in relief as I let my weight of my body rest on his, “Thank you”, I whispered as I held his arms around me tightly just as the door re opened revealing Principle Jones and our baby boy who instantly started beaming at the sight of us.

Pulling away from Tysons embrace, I dropped to my knees and opened my arms wide, inviting him for a hug, which he accepted straight away. Squealing as he laughed, Isaiah ran towards me and crashed his small body into mine while I held onto him tight while placing kisses on top of his head.

“We go home now?”, Isaiah’s muffled voice asked lowly just as my tears ran down my face. Pulling away so I could see his face, I nodded my head with a smile, “Yes baby, we are going home”, I assured him just as Tyson placed his hand on my shoulder causing both Isaiah and I too look up at him and find him already looking down at us with a heartbreaking smile.

~~ ~~ ~~

It wasn’t until another hour later at the orphanage that we finally packed what little clothes Isaiah had before getting ready to leave for home.  Saying his silent goodbyes to his friend, Isaiah or Zay as we nicknamed him, came over and allowed Tyson to carry him out to the car.

Using Zay’s baby blue blanket to hide his face so that the paps couldn’t get a picture of him, he rested his head on Ty’s shoulder while a team of security stood around us as they walked us to the car and stood as guard.

Strapping my baby boy into the toddler chair we purchased a few days before, I decided to sit in the back with him so he wasn’t scared while Ty jogged towards the drivers seat.

Once we were all in and protected by the heavily tinted glass, I grabbed Zay’s blanket once again and sent him a comforting smile, “Wanna hide with me?”, I asked softly as Ty watched over his shoulder as he knew what I was doing.

Nodding his head softly, Zay looked at me with curious eyes as I put the blanket over our heads and hid under it just as Tyson began backing away, “Lets hide under here for awhile?”, I said in a playful tone causing Isaiah to start giggling as he nodded his head before resting it against mine while playing with my fingers.

Hiding under the blanket as I didn’t want him to get scared once we reach the gates where the paparazzi would surely press up against the windows, I slowly began singing a lullaby to drown out the questions that started to get louder.

Once Tyson started mumbling incoherent words in a angry tone I knew we were right of the middle of the media frenzy and so my singing got louder. Zay on the other hand seemed oblivious to the chaos around us as he continued to play with my fingers while watching me sing with a smile on his adorable face.

A few minutes later, the speed of the car increased just as Tysons voice filled the car, “Ight we all clear baby”, He muttered just as I playfully pulled the blanket off, “Peek a boo!,” I laughed as our faces came into view causing Zay to start laughing while looking around the car with wonder.

“Should I stop at mickey d’s and get us some food?”, Ty asked as he looked back at us through the rear view mirror, “You hungry sweetheart?”, I asked Zay as his attention was now glued to his dad who he seemed to grow extremely attached too this past week.

“Wanna have some chicken nuggets with your dad?”, Ty asked him with a grin causing Isaiah to immediately started nodding with a smile that warmed my heart.

The ride to get food than back home was fairly quiet and peaceful. If there was one thing that Isaiah inherited for his father it would be that he was quiet and withdrawn from people. Only around the two of us did he come out of his shell and speak freely otherwise around people he would usually just nod his head, mumble words and use hand gestures. Something that Tyson was famous for.

Pulling up to the house, my excitement got the best of me and I started beaming as I began pointing at the house, “Look sweetie, this is your new home!”, I gushed as he sat up in his seat and began looking out the window.

“I live here with you?”, He ask questioningly causing me to nod, “Yes, you, me and your daddy and we even have a baby kitten that lives here”, I explained although his excitement was caused not by the house but by the fact that he would be living his parents.

“Whats kitties name?”, He grinned just as Tyson parked and began getting out of the car, “His name is Mason, lets go meet him okay?”, I smiled as Tyson opened my door and helped me out before reaching in and carrying Zay out.

Grabbing our food, I followed behind my boys and watched on in awe as Isaiah wrapped his small arms around Tysons neck and buried his head in his neck while holding him tight.  Tyson on the other hand looked like he was literally on cloud 9 as his eyes had a amazing spark behind them that I had never seen before.

“Lounge room sweetheart”, I told Ty causing him to divert his direction towards our lounge room and took a seat on the couch where he placed Zay on his lap, “Im thinking we can watch some cartoons while we eat our chicken nuggets, what do you think?”, Ty asked Isaiah who was looking at our huge TV with wide eyes.

“On that?”, He asked while pointing causing us both to chuckle just as I turned it on and switched it to nickelodeon, “How does spongebob sound?”, I grinned as both of them both started nodding like little kids.

“Can you feed me daddy?”, Isaiah suddenly asked causing both Tyson and myself to freeze up as Isaiah has yet to call us ‘mom’ or ‘dad’. Looking over at Ty who wore an expression Id never seen before I held back my tears while Ty quickly nodded his head as his breathing picked up indicating he was on the verge of a panic attack.

Standing up quickly, I picked Zay up and sat down with him on my lap as I wrapped my arm around Ty’s neck and pulled him close to me so that he buried his head in the crook of my neck. Taking deep breaths to steady his breathing, I ran my fingers through his curls as I mumbled soothing words all while Zay watched on with sad eyes.

Suddenly pushing off my lap, Zay climbed back over to Tyson, where he crawled into a ball against Tysons chest and wrapped his small arms around Ty’s body, “Its okay daddy, we a family now”, Isaiah whispered causing me to cover my mouth with my hand as I choke back my cries while Tyson lifted his head and wrapped his arm around Zay with glossy eyes, “I love you little man”, He mumbled with a small smile.

After our little family moment, Ty, Zay and myself spent the rest of the afternoon feeding each other chicken nuggets’ and chips before introducing him to Mason which went better than expected. Zay claimed that Mason was his new little brother and made sure to inform us that he would protect him from anything.

Next we spent a good half an hour giving him a tour of the house even though he was only two. Ty seemed adamant that he gets the whole ‘new home’ experience and because they looked so adorable I decided to not rain on his parade and just let him have fun playing tour guide.

“Now little man, we about to enter the dopest bedroom a little boy can ever have, you ready?”, Ty said dramatically as Isaiah was sitting on sitting on his shoulder’s while clapping his hands in excitement.

Sharing his excitement, I pulled out my phone and continued to snap as many pictures as possible as I wanted hundreds memories to make up for the missed 2 years.

Pushing the door open, Tyson walked through while ducking a little so Zay wouldn’t hit his head on the door before reaching back and setting him on his feet so he could look around.

Almost instantly his eyes lit up and Zay began jumping up and down as he let of laughter and squeals while running around his new bedroom with excitement, “You think he likes it”, I chuckled as Ty came over and wrapped his arm around my shoulder while beaming at his sons excitement.

“If I could ever express my love for you, I would but I don’t think any words or actions could ever describe it”, He mumbled as he leant down and kissed me slowly and so passionately that we had forgotten that we weren’t alone and was soon reminded as Zay suddenly came and cuddled both of our legs tightly.

“What you do think? You like your new room baby?”, I cheesed as I leant down and picked him up, placing him between Tysons and my body, “I love it mommy, but can we go swim swim in the big pool?”, He asked shyly while my heart swelled at the sound of him calling me mommy.

“Anything for you handsome. Lets go get you into some swimmers, daddy you go get into yours aswell”, I told Ty playfully while winking at him.

“Gonna be calling me daddy later tonight to, best believe that”, He muttered lowly while smirking and slapping my ass as he ran out of the room causing Zay and I to bust up in a fit of giggles.

Making my way to Zay’s walk in, I realized my cheeks were starting to hurt from all the smiling and laughing I had been doing today, which only seemed to make me smile harder.

Sighing with happiness, I kissed Isaiahs head softly while silently thanking God for blessing me with the two most incredible human beings in my eyes.

I was complete

Imagine

Baby Boy

It’s our first night home tonight with our new baby boy. I was nervous to leave the hospital, I was nervous because I wouldn’t have a nurse there if I had any questions. I was all of my own. Except for having Harry. He’s been beautiful. I’ve been a little overwhelmed the past few days and he has taken on the roll of daddy perfectly. His reassurance throughout all of my moments of doubt have helped me pick myself back up and get on with it.

Having gone through quite a difficult and very long labour I am still in a lot of pain but my little boy needs me so I am just getting on with it and giving him all the love that I can.

He’s so tiny and so precious. He defiantly has Harry’s eyes and although he only has a little bit of hair, I think he looks like a spitting image of Harry (minus the dimples).

He sleeps regularly and we already seem to have a little routine going. He feeds well, sometimes he plays around a little and I don’t think he is actually hungry, I think he’s looking for comfort. It’s still early days so we’re just trying to work him out.

I was woken up by Archer’s little squeaky cries. I laid there for a moment, hoping that he would settle so that I could selfishly get some more sleep but he didn’t. I felt Harry’s arm realise from my waist as he rolled over, climbing out of bed and walking over to the bassinet.

“Hey little man” Harry’s sleep voice spoke. “Shhh it’s okay” he softly spoke as he picked Archer up, patting him in hopes of calming him down a little. I smiled at the sight in front of me. My miracle baby and my angel husband. Harry was so gentle and patient with Archer, always softly touching him or stroking his face to put him to sleep.

Harry walked over the the bed, sitting down on the edge, Archer’s cries now silenced as he stared up at his adoring dad. “I can’t believe his ours Harry” I spoke, sitting up. “Neither can I. I’m so proud of you baby. You took such good care of him when he was inside of you and now you’re going to be even better at taking care of him as he grows. You’ve done so well” he smiled, his eyes moving from Archer to me. “I love you” I smiled. “I love you a million times more” he spoke, leaning over to kiss me.

“I think someone’s hungry mummy” Harry spoke and Archer began crying again. I looked to to clock, seeing that it was 2:15am before speaking, “So do I” I said. I got out of bed, moving to stand in front of Harry and a crying Archer. “Come here baby” I quietly spoke, taking Archer’s wriggling body from Harry’s arm.

“Go back to sleep baby, I’ve got this” I told Harry. “Are sure?” Harry asked. “I’m sure Harry. I need to figure this one out on my own. Me and this little guy need to figure each other out a little more and I wanna try to do this on my own.” I spoke, telling Harry how I felt. “Okay sweetheart, call for me if you need anything at all. You’ll be fine though, you’re a natural at this whole mothering thing” he smiled up at me.

I leaned down, giving Harry a sweet kiss before leaving him to go back to sleep as Archer and I went into his nursery just down the hall where we successfully completed out first middle of the night feed at home on our own.

a thank you. photo just posted by @ringerxo on twitter: “Opening your new #ArtOfAsking copy, reading a random passage, and just giving it a kiss. Stunning.”

dear @ringerxo….i cannot thank you enough for tweeting this random (?) page at this time and i will tell you why.

i am in a cafe/bar/restaurant with a newborn baby in a wrap on my chest writing in my journal and checking my twitter feed. i spent the day at home in my old apartment; neil has gone off to new york and i’ve been alone today…changing diapers (9, i think), and breastfeeding, and sitting on my couch, and receiving random visiting friends, and (trying to) do a couple of conference and business calls while the baby slept, and putting in a load of laundry, which felt like an accomplishment, and eating a banana, and a bunch of cashews, and getting to 8:30 and realizing I was hungry and that i wanted to do what i always do when i’m at home alone in my apartment at the end of day of random tasks.

which is to go to a cafe/bar/restaurant and order a beer and some food and write in my journal and check my twitter feed.

and i thought

holy shit

i have a baby

i don’t know if you’re allowed to do that.

like: is that a Thing People Do?

and i thought
can you google “can you go into cafe/bar/restaurant alone with a newborn baby in a wrap” ?

and then i was like: probably not.

and i sat there trying to figure out how people know what you’re allowed to do when you can’t directly google it. and then i thought, wait a minute, i’m the kind of person who doesn’t do what you’re allowed to do and i just do it and then it’s a Thing People Do because I Just Did It and i’m technically People.

and i realized i was thinking that and that thinking that is what makes life bearable, when you realize you can just Do Things.

and so here i am

in a cafe/bar/restaurant with a newborn baby in a wrap on my chest writing in my journal and checking my phone with a beer and some mashed potatoes and the baby is sleeping and i’m really enjoying myself.

so thank you for posting this page,

it’s important to be reminded that you can do anything you want.

sometimes i forget.

Every moment I am wilting into  the wasteland of a past I could never harvest.  Something incandescent, crematory, swollen with a savage grace, hangs from the invisible curtains of air murmuring a silent storm in this room. The fan is a vestige of history, its ivory blades fuse into each other till it resembles a ballerina’s pirouette. Outside, the  sultry viridian of trees changing clothes. The wind is alive with the communal barking of a dozen strays; someone unwanted, foreign has trespassed into their meager quarters.  A small fear clutches the strength of my sternum; I absentmindedly raise my hand to my breast as if to appease an absent baby; what is left between gone and given. The pain is a flickering neon – bright and blinding when it occurs; ghostly in its ebb. Home is a tremendous trick of memory and far too much time has been buried within my bones. I carry caves of calcified moments as though I am a miracle-worker of moribund menageries. I remember you when the edge of things inch their minute hells into the softest gossamer of my skin – shards of wine bottles, papercuts, new razors, the cold steel zig-zagging bottle caps. Lately every time I speak, a concerto of nightingales plummet from the diving board of my tongue; more and more my body feels like an orchestra of birds I don’t yet know the names of. I travel to the volcanic mouths of forgotten bridges with a constellation of feathers sleeping in my knapsack. I want to be the empirical proof of Galileo’s theory about falling bodies.  When I return home, red from running – flesh the tint of winter’s horizon – I sit at the table, draping my legs around its wooden limbs, I rinse my fingers with the mild citrus of fresh clementines.  A bonfire slowly builds its majesty within the blackhole where a heart used to be. If you anointed me in front of a mirror right now, all you would see is the dark tangerine of an Afghan opium field burning into a desert-blue .