A letter to my son
To my newborn:
My darling son, my firstborn, my Muhammad. This is your mother, writing to tell you that you are the calmness of her soul, the light of her life, the apple of her eyes. For nine months I carried you, felt you moving inside me, talked to you as you grew in my womb. As much as I waited and prepared for you, in all of my imagination, I could not have anticipated how it would be to bring you into this world. I used to read the Quranic verse describing how Mary in the pangs of labour cried out ‘I wish that I had died before this’. I used to wonder of Mary, patient Mary, saying this. Now I understand. There is no pain like it. It is indescribable, unthinkable. It terrifies me now to remember those 25 hours. But then they placed you on me and you squeezed your eyes tightly shut in the bright light and you cried the sweetest sound that I had ever known. That moment was the best of my life. In an instant, I was moved by a love that knew no bounds - a fire, an ocean without end. I knew in that moment that I could live and die for you, that I would protect you with a fierceness I never knew, that you were a part of me without which I was no longer whole. Your beautiful long fingers curling round mine, your pursed pink lips, and those big beautiful eyes looking up at me. Your perfect perfect feet. The way you ball your fists in your mouth and try to eat my cheek when you are hungry. The way you wrinkle your forehead and your giant yawns. The way you are always surprised and bewildered when you hiccup. Mashallah and alhamdulillah and subhanallah for you my love. Each expression, each sound moves my heart. You whimper and I jump from the deepest and sweetest of sleeps, something I have so very little of now. Yesterday I took you to hospital and watched as you cried in pain and it tore me to pieces. May you never suffer again my love, may your mother take all your pains for you. Even through the absolute exhaustion, all that I wish is for you to be happy, healthy, successful. May you be pious and intelligent and kind my son, always kind.
Remember always that your mother loves you infinitely. For you, a thousand times over. X