white boys who respond to criticism of racism and sexism by ominously saying that there are ‘bigger problems’ scare me. like what is this big secret problem and why won’t anyone tell me about it? are we going to be eaten alive by mutant sharks? are oranges secretly poisoning us? who knows. the white boys, apparently.
yes i take every chance in my life to turn something into a ‘comic-ish’ thing.
anyways, ART GIVEAWAY!
2 WINNERS to get a colored character art!
As said above, I gonna repeat for who didn’t want to read that comic with all the dialogue noise in it: It can be from any fandom, it can be from original story, it can be an OC or a canon character, you chose! It’s pretty much anything that we call a character (”But my character is a house!” no problem, I’m gonna draw your house character. “But my character is a mutant robot-shark-human hybrid!” no problem, I’m gonna draw the mutant shark hybrid. Really it’s cool.)
FREE ART YOU SAID? HOW?
Simple, my friend, Reblog and/or Like this post how many times you want! It increases the chances once it will be randomly draw by the notes.
Also naturally, must be a follower, new ones are welcome cause with 100 followers I’m not demanding - but I know you, old followers, I believe in you try it out.
DEADLINE FOR THIS THING: 27 MARCH - will be the day I announce the winners I will contact them by tumblr message, if they don’t reply in 24h… well I probably will wait a bit more and them choose another winner cause I know you can just be busy and stuff atm but still I can’t just let this in stand by.
The scariest thing about the sea is how little we know of it. As the saying goes, we know less about the oceans than the surface of the moon. And that’s the scientists. The laymen know even less, and even most of that is skewed and laden with misinformation, no little thanks to the media’s sensationalistic fuckery that proposes that the entire ocean is out to fillet your ass. (As a reminder, my continous insistence that the sea is a writhing Lovecraftian hellscape full of man-eating terror is a conscious exaggeration for the sake of comedy. Please do not take my writing style seriously.)
The worst case of this is obviously sharks. The poor things have been so much vilified for no reason. Ever since Jaws and its massive cultural impact, sharks became the go-to bad guy of the animal world, with real-life effects too. (Can I say widespread shark hunting after the movie came out? I’m sure I can.) It also caused various memetic bullshit spreading about sharks that means we ended up with films like this.
Pictured: what the fresh hell
A trend I noticed in this killer shark shittery is that the “killer shark” is always a Great White. Always, always a Great White, which is also the first thing that pops into people’s minds when someone says “shark”. It’s like other sharks don’t exist, which is sad because sharks are a group as diverse as, say, carnivore mammals. Can you imagine if people wrote off carnivores as just wolves and nothing else? Because this is exactly like that.
Sharks are crazy diverse, but we never manage to peel our eyes away from the Great White for a long enough time to notice how insane they are. We have stuff like sawfish,
and the utterly ridiculous thing called the wobbegong. (Yes, that is a shark.)
What I’m basically saying is that sharks have as many forms as any other order of animals do, and people are so preoccupied with tacking as many CGI teeth on the Great White as it is humanly possible that we don’t notice how interesting, and weird, and fucking stupid sharks can be.
Seriously, I dare you to go to a shark horror movie and take the shark danger seriously after acquainting yourself with today’s specimen, the swellshark. Because this guy is just so ridiculous, I swear to Cthulhu.
This right here is today’s specimen, Cephaloscyllium ventriosum. It’s a pretty run-of-the-mill shark, small, brown and pointy-nosed, but its entire life goal is to methodically fuck up the fearsome reputation its Great White cousin has worked so hard for, and be absolutely laughable.
It spends all day being a lazy ass and sleeping in rocky crevices, hunting at night by being even more of a lazy ass and lying in wait until the prey is mere centimeters away, or even more of a lazy ass by laying on the rock bottom with its mouth open and literally waiting for the prey to swim into it. However, sometimes it can be a surpisingly daft little shit and raid human lobster traps without getting caught.
The stupid part is its self defense strategy.
So we’ve established that this little fuck lives in rock crevices. Naturally, this means that anything sufficiently determined and hungry can easily pull it out, right?
Wrong. Because if threatened, the swellshark lives up to its name by pulling the most ludicrous defense stunt this side of self destruction.
It sucks up water, and does this.
IT INFLATES. IT FUCKING INFLATES. THIS IS AN INFLATABLE SHARK. I QUIT.
Furthermore, it bites into its own tail and thus turns into a swollen little donut that’s completely impossible to dislodge from the crevice it’s in. I mean it works, but it’s so dumb.
To take away even more from the fearsome reputation of sharks, it is bioluminescent, and it has a tendency of sleeping in heaps of fellow little sharks.
So the next time someone puts out an Ultra Mutant Killer Shark movie, remember that there is a shark that glows in the dark, sleeps in cuddle piles and inflates to defend itself, and have a merry day laughing at the film’s stupidity.
TEEN TITANS #7
Written by BENJAMIN PERCY
Art by KHOI PHAM and WADE VON GRAWBADGER
Cover by KHOI PHAM
Variant cover by CHRIS BURNHAM
On sale APRIL 26 • 32 pg, FC, $3.99 US • RATED T
Out of the depths of the San Francisco bay rises King Shark, backed by an army of mutant shark-people! Outnumbered and out…teethed, can Damian, the Teen Titans and their new ally Jackson Hyde defend their city from the jaws of disaster?
A university professor named Dr. Robert Bolton had invented a gene-manipulation device for peaceful uses on animals with his fellow professor named Dr. Luther Paradigm. In the first episode, Dr. Paradigm tested his gene-manipulation techniques (which was referred to as “gene-slamming”) on a marlin and a lobster which resulted in the creations of Slash and Slobster. Dr. Robert Bolton attempted to destroy Paradigm’s research and was transformed into an unseen inhuman monstrosity by the evil scientist using the gene-slamming device on him before escaping. Dr. Paradigm later kidnapped Bolton’s four sons John, Bobby, Coop, and Clint to transform them into sharks.
Why was it cool?: EVERYBODY KNEW IT WAS A RIP-OFF AND THAT DIDN’T MATTER.
Ladies, gentleman, and everyone else I give you the TMNT rip-off to end all rip-offs.
This series is so stupid, so ill-conceived, and transparently a blatant toy vehicle. Look at those character designs, look at those bad guys, look at the vehicles, look at all the weapons. There’s so much advertising going on that the characters could have tattoos of other Mattel franchises and nobody would bat an eye.
At the time of its relevancy everybody knew it was a rip off. Kids, parents, even your uninformed senile grandparents who just knew their grand kids “liked the show with the turtles” knew Street Sharks was a rip-off.
Yet that never came up as a problem because the franchise is SO FREAKING BAD ASS. Sharks are one of the coolest sea dwelling animals, and one of the deadliest predators on the planet so of course boys were going to be suckered in by it. This was helped completely by the fact that the toys were really awesome.
they were big, thick, durable, and they were the right size that they fit in well enough to play with our Ninja Turtle figures.
The series isn’t really anything to write home about. It’s the same as TMNT; the heroes fight other mutants, coin a bunch of shark related catchphrases, and eat their favorite foods. It doesn’t really get much more involved than that.]
Except it gets EVEN MORE AWESOME in the later season of the TV show when the Street Sharks teamed up with another team called the Dino Vengers; alien dinosaur super heroes.
But man, sharks and dinosaurs? What was going on at Mattel in the 90s that they were so in-tune with the things boys loved?
It was an advertisement campaign that worked in spades, and it was glorious.
The only downside is… the dreams of many children, of a crossover between TMNT and Street Sharks never came to light. Not in any medium; animated, live action, comic, or even web cartoon.
It was just not meant to be.
In 1996, Archie Comics released a short-lived comic book series based on Street Sharks. They published a three-issue mini-series which were based on the first three episodes of the series, and a regular comic series, which lasted three issues.
every episode title has a shark pun
Other than the total absurdity and bad assness of the franchise, nothing about it is really that memorable by anybody other than those who were religiously dedicated to it and had tons of the toys.
That’s the folly Street Sharks has in being such a gigantic rip-off of TMNT, it came and went, and hasn’t really been heard from since. It could stand to be revived since the toy line was so quality but that’s pretty unlikely and I wouldn’t want to get my hopes up.
But one things for sure, if there’s anything that personified how EXTREME the 1990s was, it was definitely Street Sharks.
Season 1 and some parts of Season 2 are available on youtube, but luckily a dvd of the entire series has been released and it’s ridiculously cheap and easy to find.
If you’re an old school fan, go pick it up, everyone else might not be fond of it though.
Come by tomorrow when I reveal to all of you THE #1 TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES RIP-OFF
“I can’t stop thinking about the others out there, all those mind that I touched. I could feel them, their isolation, their hopes, their ambitions. I tell you we can start something incredible, Erik. We can help them.” - Charles
Here is the bellows vampire. Its lower jaw is inspired of the whorl shark, and hes got this pair of bellows-like things in place of lungs. He will probably alternate the bellows every battle turn, like an animation.
This monster’s feeding process has got to look really disgusting, I got to capitalize on that somehow.
Maybe you will hear it feed on some poor sap in another room just before you open the door, so when the battle starts and you see its horrible feeding apparatus you get to imagine what the process looks like. You’d never actually see it in action, just hear the sound and then see the monster. A “let the players’ imagination fill the blanks” sort of thing.