Predictions: Kat saw this movie when it came out. Alex, half-remembering maybe having read its summary at some point, predicted that Alison Brie and Jason Sudeikis meet in a sex-addicts support group, hook up with each other, and then are afflicted with feelings.
Plot: Well, clearly Alex did read the summary for this movie, although she also obviously forgot some parts. Alison Brie and Jason Sudeikis first meet in college because Alison Brie is stalking Adam Scott, her TA. Jason Sudeikis lives on Adam Scott’s floor and rescues Alison Brie. They lose their virginities to each other and then don’t see each other again for twelve years. THEN they run into each other at a sex-addicts support group. Jason Sudeikis is a cheater cheater pumpkin eater who can’t stop two-timing…three-timing…four-timing the ladies. Alison Brie is also cheating — but only with Adam Scott. Adam Scott with a tiny unbearable mustache. She and Jason Sudeikis reconnect and decide to become friends.
Jason Sudeikis helps Alison Brie kick her Adam-Scott habit because Adam Scott is now engaged (even though he keeps calling Alison Brie anyway), while Alison Brie…well, encourages Jason Sudeikis to try to connect with women outside of sex. Meanwhile, Alison Brie has also gotten into med school, and Jason Sudeikis is playing the long game in wooing his boss, Amanda Peet. But pretty much everyone in Alison Brie and Jason Sudeikis’s lives — including the two of them — kind of thinks that they are together. But, no, they’re just friends.
Such good friends, you guys. They are just the most platonic of pals, with their snuggling and their pet names and Jason Sudeikis teaching Alison Brie how to touch herself. This is all stuff people do with their friends. Such good friends. May we all be blessed with such friendships. Friendships that we don’t want to ruin or complicate with our obvious non-friend feelings.
Things are going fine until Jason Sudeikis and Alison Brie attend Jason Mantzoukas’s kid’s birthday party. While rolling on molly, Alison Brie manages to unwittingly attract a hot single dad. Much to Jason Sudeikis’s dismay, she goes out with him. Hot Single Dad takes Alison Brie to a fancy mixer, where she runs into — surprise! — Adam Scott and his shitty little mustache wife. Devastated, she tries to call Jason Sudeikis. However, he doesn’t pick up, because he has finally managed to con Amanda Peet into a date. At the end of the night, the two of them meet up again at Jason Sudeikis’s apartment, snuggle up in bed, and admit that they are in love with each other. “But what are two platonic in-love pals to do?” Alison Brie inquires. “Nothing,” Jason Sudeikis says, with his big emo eyes. “Absolutely nothing.” (We may be paraphrasing, but barely.)
With that, Alison Brie moves to Michigan to attend med school, and she and Jason Sudeikis say goodbye forever. Which is weird, because now we all have Facebook, so… But okay, sure. Two months go by. Jason Sudeikis is now like…boyfriend of the year to Amanda Peet?? Like, taking her kid to soccer and surprising her with a birthday trip to France???? But one day, while at brunch with her, he spies A Certain Mustache sitting across the way. How can one miss that mustache? Of course, Jason Sudeikis is filled with the urge to punch said mustache in the face. This effectively terminates both Mustache’s brunch and Jason Sudeikis’s relationship with Amanda Peet.
He calls Alison Brie from the police station, partly because no one else will bail him out and partly to yell that he loves her. She yells enthusiastically back. Shortly after, Jason Sudeikis is trying to settle an emotional distress lawsuit with Dr. Mustache (oh yeah, he’s a doctor), but Mustache won’t budge. Alison Brie goes to see Mustache to cut ties and blackmail him into letting Jason Sudeikis off the hook. It works. She and Jason Sudeikis walk off into the sunset to have a quickie before they get hitched.
Best Scene: Jason Mantzoukas’s kid’s birthday party. Alison Brie and Jason Sudeikis dance together while on molly, which is pretty delightful, and then are miserable coming off it, which is also delightful. Then she gets approached by Hot Single Dad, and Jason Sudeikis is real bad at hiding his jealousy. Love it.
Worst Scene: Alison Brie trying to break things off with Adam Scott at the beginning. Oh my god, the first sighting of the MUSTACHE. But also, he is such a pretentious douche. Why is Adam Scott always a douche in movies?? Though we shouldn’t complain. Without “adam scott romantic comedy douche,” we would not have this blog.
Best Line: “Yeah, it’s like Ted Bundy. You can’t get them into a van by just being a jerk. You’ve got to have a certain way about you.” — Jason Sudeikis, talking about Alison Brie being an “approachable psychotic.” There were a lot of very funny lines though. This one just particularly made us laugh.
Worst Line: “Because I’d rather fail with you than win with anyone else.” — Jason Sudeikis, who was pretty much always very amusing and witty…unless he was declaring his feelings, at which point he would immediately become disgusting. Several. Times.
Highlights of the Watching Experience: So many famous people in this movie! Early on, Alison Brie breaks up with Adam Brody in a restaurant, and he has a very funny flip-out. It’s a nice bit role. Also, her best friend before she falls in love with Jason Sudeikis is Natasha Lyonne, playing yet another lesbian. Does she ever play non-lesbians? Has she just been lesbian-typecast? Discuss.
How Many POC in the Film: …Where to begin. Um. So, we have discussed on this blog in the past the crucial and controversial question: are Greeks POC? (We think yes in old-timey Europe, but probably not in modern-day America.) Anyway, Jason Mantzoukas is Greek. Some people, however, seem to think that because he has curly hair and is the color of Scar from The Lion King that he is…black???? Clearly, the casting directors of this film thought so, because his kids are DEFINITELY THE KIDS ONE WOULD CAST if one parent was white and the other was black. Those are some freaking adorable, Afro-having, mixed-race kids. On the one hand, how…nice?? that they are…celebrating…interracial…families???? On the other hand, while we may not know if Greeks are POC, I think we can all agree that they’re not black.
Alternate Scenes: How about, instead of a live-action Lion King starring CGI-ed lions, we just cast humans, AKA Jason Mantzoukas in the role of Scar? (You can’t un-see it now, can you? You’re welcome.)
Was the Poster Better or Worse than the Film: …Worse? The movie is about two people who like each other but aren’t having sex, whereas the poster seems to be about two people who hate each other and aren’t having sex. The poster is the poster for a movie about Jason Sudeikis and Alison Brie’s crumbling marriage. Maybe she just tried to drown him, so they’re talking about whether sleeping with other people would improve their relationship.
Score: 8.5 out of 10 platonic-pal smooches. It was so hard to score this one, you guys, because, on the one hand, it’s pretty recent, so who knows if it will stand the test of time…? But, on the other hand, is there anything we love more than best friends who are secretly in love???????? (This is a normal thing for two actual best friends to love. Not pathological at all. WHAT? SHUT UP. WE DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM. YOUR FACE HAS A PROBLEM.)
Ranking: 7, out of the 82 movies we’ve seen so far. Kat can’t remember why she originally told Alex this movie was only okay???? Maybe she loved it too much and couldn’t handle her feelings, much like Jason Sudeikis and Alison Brie.
I was really into creepypastes at the time and love to listen to readings of them on Youtube. At one point, I had heard of Slenderman having a song. So I looked it up and Mark’s video was one of things that pulled up. It was nice, but not what I was looking for. I figured it was a fan made creation and thought it was great.
Then some strange, random man holding a dog and wearing a pink, fake mustache punched Slenderman in the dick.
I still remember rolling the video back several times out of confusion and thinking “That is not what happens! You looked at him! You should be dead!” I left after that video to find another Slenderman song. Found a few, but they still weren’t what I was looking for.
After sometime, my brother, Isaac (who happen to have the same Birthday as Mark), introduce me to Markiplier’s video title “Citizen Burger Disorder”.
Oh my gosh. I’m replaying the video as I type and I remember why I love it so much. I’m smiling like a goober now. He just fed a rat to somebody. XD
I made this post as a way to say Happy Birthday to Markiplier.
And Mark, if you do ever read this. Thank you for making all the videos and making me smile and laugh; on good days and bad days. Happy Birthday. Stay strong. We love ya. See you in the next video. Bye-bye!
“This is a song about a professional wrestler named Ox Baker, master of the heart punch. You get hit with a heart punch you could possibly die, that’s the word on the street about Ox Baker! If he hits you with that heart punch you could land in the hospital or the grave. That’s a hell of a thing to have happen to you, if you just went in, maybe trying to wrestle scientifically. Like a goddamn good-guy, baby-face, going in there,wrestle, you know, doing like the holds and the moves, and Ox Baker comes around and he’s six-foot-four and he has a handle bar mustache and he’ll punch you straight in the goddamn heart as soon as look at you!
That’s the thing about Ox, is that you’re there to score a victory, you know, and to gain glory for yourself and for your family name. Ox Baker has a t-shirt that says ‘I Like to Hurt People.’ So you guys have different ideologies, one of you has this ideology of like good and evil and probably Courtly Love and all kinds of other things. Ox’s ideology is primitive and dark and springs from the rocks underneath us and we can’t even understand it because we graduated from it a long time ago. But Ox is very interesting, he’s darker, more primitive, base, earthen ideas, but he doesn’t express it that way, he expresses it by punching you in the goddamn heart!
So it’s probably going to be hard times for you when you get into it with Ox cause he doesn’t really care. You care, Ox doesn’t care, the guy who doesn’t care has a big advantage!
In life, generally speaking. It has the disadvantage, as far as like feeling at home with the world; where the victor would be you. This is a song that imagines that Ox Baker has been taken away somehow and dumped because they wanted to get rid of him, because they don’t understand his philosophy, right?
But Ox will come back, that’s really, that’s my message. That’s why I’m in this business in the first place, to let everybody know that Ox is coming back.
He will come again, in the sort of glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end!
“I slammed the refrigerator door so hard the milk exploded, then I turned around and told her to shut it or I’d punch her mustache off her face and watch it fly across the room like a hairy bug. Then I flapped my arms like I was flying, like a bug, like her mustache. Now, I know I crossed a line there, but I hope some people can at least appreciate how much restraint it actually took on my part to not just turn around and haul one off on her.”
From “Punching Jackie” by Matt Sumell, recommended by Electric Literature. Read it for free tomorrow in Electric Literature’s weekly fiction magazine, Recommended Reading.
jd: d-don’t do the falling voice thing, that’s over with, that time is past. you know how i know? cause your dad sang it. it’s crossed over to dad territory. if your dad throws you the lolcats, that’s when you know it’s over with.
some audience member: fuck!
jd: [laughs] i like that [laughs harder] not sure if you caught that but i said if your dad throw you the lolcats it’s over, the guy goes “FUCK!”
jd: this is a song about a professional wrestler named ox baker! master of the heart punch. if you get hit with the heart punch you could possibly die, that’s the word on the street about ox baker. that if he hits you with that heart punch you could land in the hospital or the grave. it’s a hell of a thing to have happen to you, if you just went in and maybe tried to wrestle scientifically, like a goddamn goodguy babyface going in there [mumble] ‘oh i can do the holds and the moves’ and then ox baker comes in and he’s 6′4″ and he has a handlebar mustache! and he’ll punch you straight in the goddamned heart! cause that’s, that’s the thing about ox. you’re there to score a victory y;know and gain glory for yourself and your family name. ox baker has a t shirt that says “I LIKE TO HURT PEOPLE.” so you’re, you’re, you guys have different ideologies. one of you, has this ideology of good and evil, and probably courtly love and all kinds of other things. ox’s ideology is primitive and dark and springs from the rocks underneath us and we can’t even understand because we graduated from it a long time ago, but ox is very interested in these darker, more primitive, earthen-based ideas. but he doesn’t express it that way, he expresses it by PUNCHING YOU IN THE GODDAMN HEART. it’s probably gonna be hard times for you [mumble] cause he doesn’t really care! you care, he doesn’t care! they guy who doesn’t care has a big advantage, in life generally speaking. he has a disadvantage as far as like feeling at home in the world, but he has an advantage over you.
jd: this is a song that imagines that ox baker has been taken away, somehow, and dumped because they want to get rid of him because they don’t understand his philosophies. but ox will come back. that’s really- that’s my message, that’s why i’m in this business in the first place. to let everybody know: that ox is coming back. he will come again. in a sort of glory to judge the living and the dead. and his kingdowm will have no end.
one day Wyoming comes downstairs after another prank and removes the prank mustache to reveal his REAL mustache underneath!
What if it’s been a fake mustache all along. What if one day he’s sparring with someone and he gets his mustache punched right the fuck off. Everyone watches his mustache just fly across the room. His mustache is airborne. For a split second his mustache could be mistaken for a tiny bird