musical: the book of mormon

Terrible Lessons You Learned from Musical Theatre
  • Hamilton: Don't fuck up. Ever. You will die.
  • Waitress: You know what's great? Adultery.
  • Chicago: Easiest way to fame and fortune? Murder.
  • Wicked: Only pretty people can overthrow the government.
  • Rent: Don't ever compromise in the slightest, especially if you're poor and dying.
  • Hunchback of Notre Dame: Nothing good will ever happen to you if you're physically disabled. But you'll sound great.
  • Heathers: The popular kids were right, you really should avoid the weirdos in high school.
  • Aladdin: Lie your way to a good relationship. Especially if she's rich. She'll get over it.
  • Book of Mormon: Blasphemy and fan-fiction are great for stabilizing war-torn parts of Africa.
  • School of Rock: Lie your way to a great career. Especially if your boss is hot. She'll get over it.
  • Something Rotten: Originality is dead, but that's hilarious.
  • Phantom of the Opera: Love never dies, and neither will this show.
  • Lion King: Julie Taymor did something right.
Quick Descriptions of Some Musicals

Hamilton: The Founding fuckboys Fathers in the form of highschool drama

Falsettos: Lots of Jews, lots of gay, lots of intense crying

Book of Mormon: Everyone is made fun of in this musical. Everyone.

Rent: Money is difficult, but so is AIDS and being gay

Phantom of the Opera: Mysterious man in a mask swoons you faster than you can say “Christine” no matter what your sexuality is

Newsies: Group of guys (that aren’t mormons) aren’t taking shit from no one (also the New York accent will stick with you, believe it or not)

Dear Evan Hansen: Sad musical about teen angst could never be so relatable

Wicked: Hey remember that one movie that comes on tv every now and then during the holidays that your parents reflect on? Yeah this is before that

School of Rock: Fake teachers and rebellious children who are all surprisingly talented

i have never understood people who think musicals are boring/lame. they get away with way more violence, sex, social commentary, and profanity than mainstream movies do, just because its all done onstage in song form

and thats amazing

theatre songs that could resurrect me

• the bitch of living

• ring of keys

• blackout

• schuyler sisters

• la vie boheme

• bad idea

• defying gravity

• tomorrow is a latter day

• king of new york

• this world will remember us

• no one else

• one day more

• into the woods prologue

• all that jazz

• gimme gimme

• naughty

Renamed Musicals
  • • Les Miserables: Breadsticks Meme Gone Wrong ft. The Only Cop in France.
  • • Miss Saigon: Americans Fuck Shit Up, the musical!
  • • Legally Blonde: This is Harvard, not a Stripper Bar.
  • • Wicked: Misunderstood Green Girl and Sparkly Witch Hide Lesbian Feelings
  • • Little Women: That Story Where All the Girls Fall in Love
  • • Book of Mormon: Spooky Mormon Hell and Crude Gay Humor Clash w/ Sparkly Tuxedoes.
  • • Shrek: Don’t Judge a Book By It’s Cover; Another Show About Diversity.
  • • The Last Five Years: How Not to Adult: A Manual
  • • Joseph and the blah, blah, blah: Fifty Shades of Bible Humor
  • • Suessical: Always Trust that Weird Voice you Hear PS Elephants Can’t Fly
  • • Songs for a New World: I’m Sure There’s a Story Here Somewhere…
  • • Thirteen: Puberty Sucks Plus Jewish Jokes and Weird Sexual Tension
  • • Matilda: We’ll Fight Like Twenty Armies and We Won’t Give up ft. Miss Honey’s Self Esteem Issues.
  • • Spring Awakening: Why Sex Ed Matters, the musical!
  • • Next to Normal: The Story of a Sexy Ghost
  • • Avenue Q: Horney Puppets Use the Internet for Porn and Then Build a School For Monsters.
  • • Children of Eden: Bible fanfiction.
  • • The Drowsy Chaperone: Hallucinations of a Man in a Chair
  • • Violet: Sutton Foster and a Sob Story ft. Indecipherable Accents
  • • Anything Goes: Into the Woods, Except on a Ship
  • • How to Succeed: A Dummies Guide to Making an Ass Out of
  • Yourself
  • • Once on this Island: Why Gods Should Not Interfere With Humans
  • • Into the Woods: Fairytale AU on Crack
  • • Fun Home; Gay Tears, the musical!
  • • In the Heights: Everybody has Issues in the Barrio.
  • • Chess: East West Relations Under Different Masks and Various Plots
  • • RENT: Diversity, Death, and Drugs.
  • • Annie: My Life Sucks: By Me.
  • • Sweeny Todd: Revenge Means Killing Everybody
  • • Young Frankenstein: It Runs in the Family.
best musical quotes with no context

- “the funk of moral fiber rotting”

- “for a clitoris is holy amongst all things, said he”

- “driving mad at twelve miles an hour”

- “i have maggots in my scrotum”

- “southern motherfucking democratic republicans”

- “she was the happiest corpse i’d ever seen”

- “he ran into my knife ten times!”

- “rising on a sea of marshmallow foam”

- “on the lake there was a boat, and in the boat there was a man”

- “it’s not like i’m a healthy person”

- “how do you get this gold shit off?”

- “imagine a world with no children, close your eyes and just dream”

- “four jews in a room bitching”

- “bobby maler he’s the best, looks so nasty in those khakis”

- “you’ll be obsessed with all my forest expertise”

- “i’m fucking the fucking president, oh yeah”

- “i got carried away, and not just by balloon”

- “if i stop smoking crack”

- “don’t use a toaster while standin’ in the shower”

- “she got them heebies and jeebies from moonshine and cheap wine and reefer and candy cane”

- “you’ll have kids and they’ll hate you too”

- “a potpourri of contradiction”

- “this is called an aneurysm hook!”

- “please reward our pluck and save this duck”

  • <p> <b><p></b> <b><p></b> <b><p></b> <b>Brain:</b> OMG I ship them!<p/><b>Me:</b> that's impossible<p/></p><p/><b>Brain:</b> NOTHING'S IMPOSSIBLE IF YOU SHIP HARD ENOUGH<p/></p><p/></p><p/></p>
Explaining Broadway to my Friend
  • Friend: So Lin has a wife?
  • Me: yeah
  • Friend: And she let him kiss her (Phillipa Soo)
  • Me: yeah? I mean... it's a play?
  • -
  • Friend: WAIT HES NOT IN THE MUSICAL ANYMORE? (Lin Manuel Miranda)
  • Me: yeah he left
  • Friend: HOWS THE SHOW STILL ON
  • Me: what do you mean? They get some people in his place
  • Friend: Why? How? They don't just replace the cast!
  • Me: ...?
  • -
  • Friend: okay let me get this straight, none of these people (original cast of hamilton) are in the show anymore?
  • Me: yeah original cast is gone
  • Friend: I don't think I want to see Hamilton anymore
  • Me: I swear, if you have the chance to see Hamilton and you choose not o because of the cast I will actually slap you
  • Friend: But it's NOT the original cast so it's not worth seeing!
  • Me: /$:&;!&:/'/$:&&/:$-&&;