murdoch lamarche

Valentine's Day Tips by Murdoch LaMarche

Valentines day tip: there is nothing in the world more romantic than a half-eaten bagel.
Valentines day tip: throw up in your own mouth
Valentines day tip: worms.
Valentines day tip: shark tank
Valentines day tip: remove, weigh, and replace each others spleens
Valentines day tip: lumberyard
Valentines day tip: matching edward james olmos face tattoos
Valentines day tip: feed a snake by candlelight
Valentines day tip: become extremely dehydrated. Whoever goes to the hospital first loses valentines day
Valentines day tip: feed a candle by snakelight
Valentines day tip: dig a pit
Valentines day tip: marionettes
Valentines day tip: nome, Alaska
Valentines day tip: wiggle/joggle/squirm/waggle/wriggle/ooze
Valentines day tip: give your valentine a big box of slugs
Valentines day tip: huff silver spray paint from a tube sock while crouching behind a 97 mitsubishi eclipse with a quarter panel that doesnt match the rest of the car’s paint
Valentines day tip: reshingle a roof
Valentines day tip: visine
Valentines day tip: a double kickflip over a 14 set is the best way to show that you truly care
Valentines day tip: 15-20%
Valentines day tip: the industrial revolution
Valentines day tip: nothing says ‘i love you’ quite like a taco bell bag filled with pine cones and empty packets of fire sauce
Valentines day tip: declare martial law
Valentines day tip: kill yourself and haunt your crush’s house
Valentines day tip: drink a champagne flute filled with diesel fuel
Valentines day tip: angel dust
Valentines day tip: go to war with the lapd [or your local law enforcement agency]
Valentines day tip: lobster bibs
Valentines day tip: taxidermy
Valentines day tip: a mix cd of the sound of old people chewing
Valentines day tip: peel your fingernails off
Valentines day tip: fill everything with slugs
Valentines day tip: smash a cars window with a steel pipe, try to climb in, then chase a different car into traffic. Scream the entire time.
Valentines day tip: burn an effigy
Valentines day tip: swap scalps with your valentine. Dont wake them up for the trade.
Valentines day tip: everyone wants a tooth from each member of de la soul
Valentines day tip: mod your nipples to play sega genesis roms
Valentines day tip: lend some clothes to a member of wu-tang
Valentines day tip: piss someone elses pants
Valentines day tip: reenact the 'say anything’ boombox scene with anal cunt’s 'it just gets worse’
Valentines day tip: picnic in rlyeh
Valentines day tip:
1. Eat your enemies’ hearts to gain their courage
2. Use your newly acquired confidence to ask out your crush
3. Duel to the death with your new valentine [Pick a romantic location for the duel, like a rooftop during a lightning storm]
4. Loser is beheaded
5. Winner eats the fallen’s heart
6. Repeat until defeated
Valentines day tip: convince your valentine to rip your throat out. roadhouse style
Valentines day tip: harness the power of lightning
Valentines day tip: slug massage [there are 2 very distinct varieties of slug massages: 1. covering a body in slugs for a squirmy slimey massage 2. massaging a slug†  †giving a slug a massage is universally recognized as the superior option and requires years of intense study to master]
Valentines day tip: hold your valentine close and sensuously whisper 'limaaaaaxxxxx ciiiiiinereonigerrrrrr’ into their ear, while sliding an especially large limax cinereoniger into their opposing ear canal.
Valentines day tip: hear the voice of god, build a massive wooden boat, fill it with animals [primarily slugs], forbid the nonbelievers [and snail fans regardless of their faith] from embarking, wait for a deluge
Valentines day tip: drink 14+ beers, catheterise yourself
Valentines day tip: couple’s badger juggling
Valentines day tip: burn yourself at the stake
Valentines day tip: romantic scavenger hunt leading into a bear cave
Valentines day tip: mercury is the best massage oil
Valentines day tip: complain about commercialisation on facebook

name. Murdoch LaMarche

age. ???

occupation. Supervillain

1. what is your present state of mind?

I’ve eaten today. I have plenty of cigarettes. I have a roof over my head. The people I’m with let me use their computer.

So, all told, I’m happy.

2. where were you born?

In a hospital. That’s specific enough.

3. where do you live now?

I live wherever my body is currently located. I don’t stay anywhere long enough to say I ‘live’ there.

4. where would you like to live?

I haven’t seen nearly enough of what the world has to offer to give a well-informed response.

5. do you think you’re interesting?

We all think we’re interesting. We just might not admit it. I think everyone is interesting in their own way.

I have an interesting life and lots of interesting stories.

6. how is your love life?

I love everyone, and I hope they love me. [In whatever capacity they choose]
I don’t have any interest in a romantic love life at the moment. I’m far too busy and don’t stay in one place long enough

7. what were you like as a child?

I was a weird kid.
I was really into death metal when i was [approximately] 10-13.
I worked with animals [mainly snakes] at a museum for a while in high school.
I [independently] decided to become a vegetarian when I was 6, and I still am.
I couldn’t spell my middle name until I was 15.
I got really into punk in middle school and pierced my nose myself one night. [I still love punk.]
I wrote an oral book report about Marie Antoinette in elementary school. I made a puppet to go along with it that had a pop off head.
I was a big 'Biker Mice from Mars’ fan.

8. what did you eat today?

A sandwich with a fuck tonnage of vegetables, some rice, and some pills. [Those were separate items. I didn’t eat a vegetable/rice/pill sandwich]

9. have you ever created culture or art?

I make lots of different types visual art under my birth name. People seem to like it. I was an art student which is basically a license to be as strange as you want to be while getting praised for it.
‘Murdoch’ writes things. I just started writing things for other people to read. I think bits and pieces of it are decent. I’m still working on it.
I’m also ⅓ of an art/lit zine called 'Meat Confetti’. We’re working on the first issue right now. [We’re taking submissions.]
And, just so I can sound like even more of an ass, 'We don’t create culture. Culture creates us.’

10. do you like drinking alcohol or using drugs?

I think everyone does/would like drugs [Including alcohol]. I make my choices to do what I do. They make theirs. I mind my own. They mind theirs. I wouldn’t actively encourage anyone to consume any substance they were against, though.

Bottom line: Do drugs/don’t do drugs. Just keep your shit together and be a nice person.

11. what kind of people do you hate?

I love everyone.

12. what are your goals, if you have any?

I would like to eventually own a computer of some sort. A place to live would be nice too. I’d like to write more too. And just generally make things. Being able to live off things I make would be fantastic.

13. do you have any depressing stories about your life?

Many depressing things have happened to me. But I don’t want to be a bummer and go on and on about them. I try to focus on the good things that happened as a result of the terrible things.

14. who are your favorite authors?

Kurt Vonnegut, Hunter S Thompson, Heller, Raymond Carver, Paul Neilan, Palahniuk, Zelda Fitzgerald, Tom Robbins, Murakami, and lots of others that would take too long to list, I like a lot of the 'alt lit’ kids, but I won’t name names.

15.what will you be doing ten years from now?

Living somewhere. Making things. Meeting people. Going places. Enjoying not being dead yet. [I hope]

poem by Murdoch Lamarche

I feel sorry for
every baby
delivered via
cesarean section
they never got to experience
being forcefully expelled
from a human body
through a short, thin muscular tube
followed by bloody mass of
worthless material
gasping for air
I feel like
I still have some
deeply buried memory
of being smothered by a vagina
It’s just too bad none of those
cesarean babies
got that
and they can never experience it
it’s really difficult to convince a stranger
to let you crawl headfirst
into her uterus
just to recreate a vaginal birth
so the feeling of being
smothered by a vagina
can never truly be recaptured
past birth
this is what we’re missing
I don’t know


Murdoch LaMarche is a supervillain.

My Coverage of Murdoch Larmache’s 6 year old nephew Bentley’s coverage of My Coverage of Murdoch Larmache’s coverage of My Coverage of Murdoch Larmache’s coverage My Coverage of Murdoch Larmache’s Coverage My Coverage of Murdoch Larmache’s Coverage of my Coverage of Murdoch Lamarche’s Coverage of My Coverage of Murdoch Lamarche’s Coverage of My Coverage of Murdoch Lamarche’s Coverage of My Coverage of Murdoch Lamarche’s Coverage of my Coverage of ‘2AM Interview: Buttercup and LK’

                I love my kids. Every day I’m working for them because that’s what you are supposed to do. Wish my kids could financially support me but that’s not going to happen for many months. In the meantime they read Bentley’s coverage and were moved. Bentley is a great writer for his age. Six years old is when kids start going up and writing sentences. Yep it is a perfect time to begin one’s online presence. Sometimes I ask my kids about what they see. Kids and adults see different things. Here I see the worry and they see the wonder. I forget about the wonder sometimes. I love being reminded of all the marvelous things that surround me every day. 

                Glad Bentley has a great teacher. Bentley is a fan of the sloths. He goes so far as to say we are better than Kangaroos. I agree. When I’m ruler of Australia sloths will rule. Sloths rule with a democratically elected government because we’re chill like that.  Well I am a fan of the Bentley. How do you like that? We must support each other in this big old internet. Hurt comes out of the internet. I feel with the right calibrations love can come out too. At least that is what Of Montreal preaches, or something about sex. Kevin Barnes has been in need of a cold shower for the past couple of years. You touch Kevin Barnes and you’ll get burned. You just can’t touch that. 

                Clancy is the name of Bentley’s dog. It can do exceptional tricks. From here Bentley goes into the heart of the matter, the true thing that all kids want to have, more than anything in the whole while world. Of course I’m talking about smart phones. Teachers won’t exist in the future because these kids are going to learn from phones. The future is a bright, regular illuminated screen for our children. When they see that screen, let me tell you. Kids love phones. My kids pretend to have smartphones by playing with pinecones. Maybe someday I’ll get smartphones for my kids. Probably that will happen after our beet farm really takes off. Right now beet prices are taking a beating. 

                Stephen McDowell gets a shout out. Apparently Bentley has a friend named Steven at school. Is this the same thing as reviewing Stephen McDowell’s vast body of work? I’d say yes. When elementary school children know of your work you’ve made it big. Lucy K Shaw gets a considerably less favorable review. Bentley does not play with dolls since he is a boy. Unfortunately this short-sightedness on Bentley’s part has ruined his potential to truly become alt lit. 

                It ends like all other six old year reviews end- with dinner. I like this review. Wonder if I’ll have my children write the next one. They were scared but I’ve been home-schooling my kids for blogging. Schools don’t teach children how to have social media presences. I worry about America. All I want is a country where everybody can be on the internet. Let America become the first ‘all-internet’ nation. We can do it. We put a man on the moon. We can put ourselves into the inte

My Coverage of Murdoch Larmache’s coverage of My Coverage of Murdoch Larmache’s coverage of My Coverage of Murdoch Larmache’s coverage My Coverage of Murdoch Larmache’s Coverage My Coverage of Murdoch Larmache’s Coverage of my Coverage of Murdoch Lamarche’s Coverage of My Coverage of Murdoch Lamarche’s Coverage of My Coverage of Murdoch Lamarche’s Coverage of My Coverage of Murdoch Lamarche’s Coverage of my Coverage of ‘2AM Interview: Buttercup and LK’

               I’m happy Murdoch gave me Australia. This will help me gain twitter followers, of this I am certain. Australia has over twenty million residents and all that land. Essentially Australia is a never-ending beach. Do people even live in the interior of Australia? I figure they wouldn’t because everything else is a beach anyway. 

                Dead computers need our help. They don’t judge. They can’t think for themselves. We have to act fast and blast them into outer space. Smartphones lack the respect that computers have. Smartphones think life is some sort of game. Those entire instant autos-corrects, etc. are totally messed up. Computers would never do that. I know them too well. 

                Alt lit didn’t grow up in the 80s like I did. I remember the 80s, I remember them well. That was before the whole internet thing happened. People thought differently back then. Nobody ever thought to themselves “That would make a good tweet”. Nope back then people hated Reagan and wanted to see the fall of communism. Before the internet weird people just hid in their homes, staying alone. With the internet any strange individual can make new friends every day. Hi there, I’m Beach Sloth, pleased to meet you. 

                Stephen Michael McDowell released ‘I liked a lot of music in 2009 but apparently did not like myself’. Will this piece change your life? Yes it will. Expect a review of it at some point in the distant to near future. I liked it. It changed my life. Now I’m a toaster thanks to the book. And Lucy K Shaw, having gone to Baltimore, New York, and back to her home, Toronto, has Shabby Doll House coming out tomorrow for all the good little boys and girls. Am I in it? Yes. I am. 

                Baltimore may get a rare appearance from Murdoch. What does he look like? What do you expect a super villain to look like? Murdoch has a bow tie. For some reason villains have to wear bow ties. It is an eighties thing. I grew up during that time but I generally wear full suits with regular ties. I’m not a super villain, at least not yet.  Yes rats here in Baltimore are excited. I do not see rats in Baltimore too often but they are here. Rats in New York, those are big mother fuckers. Here in Baltimore, they are working on it. I do not mess with rats since I’m a sloth. They generally think I’m a piece of moss-covered concrete and leave me alone. 

                Murdoch has been doing a lot lately. In case you haven’t read him you should read him. His canon of work is inspiring.