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There was no love at first sight, no stomach fluttering feeling of “This is the one!”, just the realization that this was the best my budget could get me. My realtor, already frustrated with how many times I’d said no to other places, watched anxiously over my shoulder as I signed the papers, as if she was afraid I’d back out at the last minute, and just like that, I was the less-than-proud owner of a decades old house and all the issues that came with it.
Still, I told myself as I was handed the keys, it was better than continuing to live with my all too recent ex-husband.
You’re still young. Don’t panic. It’s hard to know what you should be doing in your 20s. Try different things, have some fun and see what happens. I believe in fate. I didn’t set out to be a comedian at first. I’m still not sure if I am or not. People like to put you a box. I’ve always been the wrong shape Maybe you are too. I think all the people who are wrong shapes for boxes should go out and march into the streets singing “We are the shapes! We don’t fit the box. Fuck you society.” You can’t put a square peg in a round hole or a wrong shape in a box. Unless it’s a coffin and that particular shape has recently been murdered.
A few years ago I was walking to my car from class when I noticed a cute girl with straight but unkept black hair wandering around campus and constantly looking to her phone as if it was a map. I approached and said “you look pretty lost, need some assistance?” She gave me a big smile and told me she didn’t go here but had to pick up her friend who had locked herself out of her car. I made a lame joke about how lost she looked and she got a kick out of it, as her laughter died she asked if she could borrow my phone because hers had died. That was a lie, she had just been looking at her phone before I approached her and I could see the screen was on. I didn’t object though, she was cute. Later that night I noticed a new name was in my contacts. “Jess ;)” I made the connection right away and started texting her.
One thing led to another and we had begun dating. You’d think we were the happiest couple in the world if you saw us on our dates always laughing with each other and what not but honestly something was just off about her. I couldn’t put my finger on it but from date one something about her just didn’t sit right with me. It became this sick obsession of mine, I would go home and think about what it was about her that made me so uneasy but I just couldn’t logically explain it. She did nothing particularly strange and was always smiling and laughing with me however the voice in the back of my head was constantly telling me something was off about her. I concluded I was being absurd and began to ignore those feelings because another side of me really liked her. That is until we had sex.
On our 6th date we were watching a movie at her parents house (who were dead asleep upstairs) when cuddling turned to kissing and then stripping etc. you know how it is. The sex itself was amazing but this isn’t an erotica so I’ll spare you the details. Only after I finished did I notice the condom had been cut. Fuck. Did she do that? I looked up and she had this satisfied smug look on her face like she had just pulled off a heist or some shit. I told her I had to go and scurried home without saying goodbye. She tried to ask me what was the matter but i just left. My head was racing that night I was freaking the fuck out. My brother came into my room and told me to stop laughing because he was trying to sleep. I still don’t know what the fuck he was talking about I wasn’t laughing at least I don’t think I was. He looked concerned upon seeing how broken up I probably looked. I was curled up in a ball on my bed in my own world hardly processing what he was saying. He closed the door without saying a word.
The next day my sleep deprived brain devised a plan to outsmart her. I spent that morning gathering the materials I needed and drove to the restaurant where my friend Kyle worked as a waiter. I told him I’d be taking Jess here tonight and I needed him to slip this plan B pill in her drink. He was a good friend of mine so he reluctantly accepted the task. She was relieved when I started answering her worried text, I told her i remembered I had left the stove on the previous night and that’s why I rushed home. As for my phone I said I managed to lose it upon getting home and didn’t find it until the end of the afternoon. She thought I didn’t know a thing about her little condom scheme. I have to admit I started to understand how she must have felt the previous night; nothing makes you feel smugger then watching a good plan unfolding itself perfectly. Sure enough Kyle slipped the pill in her drink and “forgot” her straw. Watching her sip down that coke was the most satisfying thing I had seen in my life. “It’s my win Jess” I thought to myself as she put down her empty glass on the table. I’d have broken up with her the next day but tragically she ended up passing away in her sleep. I must have gotten 30 voice mails from Kyle that morning; I never did listen to them. What an ordeal that whole thing was. Everyone’s heard at least once in their lives “never sleep with a crazy.” She shouldn’t have.