Downward Spiral

As I write this entry, I’m sitting at a room alone. I’m at the client. And I couldn’t do anything– my brain won’t just work.

If you’ve been my follower for a long time, maybe you might have noticed I was an Accountancy student before. I took the board exams (CPA) and passed it. Now I’m in a corporate world for more than a year and for me– maybe, it isn’t for me. 

I felt this way ever since I had my first client. I thought it was just a “phase” but it kept coming back. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t satisfied. I didn’t feel motivated. My job involves going through books of account of companies so our big bosses can “express and opinion to the fairness of the financial statements.” Theoretically, I didn’t appreciate it. In reality, I thought I would– I was wrong.

I’m trying. To be what I’m “supposed to be” just because my profession says so. I’m learning, I guess, but not from my heart. I feel frustrated in more days than others. I’d like to think I was here for a reason. 

I had my heart broken by the man I loved for almost 6 years. Got replaced by my very own “not-so-loyal” best friend, in that case. Wake up everyday wanting to get back to bed immediately. Tired. Ever. Single. Time. Watch other people’s lives on Facebook live life to the fullest, get engaged/married. Buy cars. Things.

But it isn’t even that– all my “un"satisfaction just leaves me down to this morning. Trying to look like I’m working my a** off for something I never really appreciate. I’ve wanted this? Yes. I’ve worked hard for this? Yes. But why no satisfaction? 

I wanna do something I could be happy about. I pray to God about it every night. I wanna. I just need something. A spark to start the light burning. But I don’t know what– don’t know how. I’m still waiting.