He loves me.. I know. I say this because from DAY ONE, I knew and saw in his eyes the desire to preserve my purity. He would flee from anything that would hint temptation. And if he was in it, he’d always find the strength to resist it. By this, I know God is really answering my prayer, his prayer, our prayers– to prepare us for each other. Glory be to God.
I want us to be comfortable talking about God. I want him to be open about me about God. I want us to talk about God like we’re breathing. Like it’s part of our being. I keep praying to God that He would make a way, and that He would use me to be an instrument in doing so. I really love him and I know he loves me too and it would be amazing to connect with him like I can connect with everyone spiritually close to me about God. I will keep praying and I will do my best. I know if this is God’s will, it will happen. It will work. I want God in our lives. In our relationship. I know he wants that, too. I just want him to be open about it. I will pray. I will pray. I will pray.
My hands are trembling. It's like I want to hurt myself.
This is so painful. I can’t even stabilize my breathing. It feels like I just want to break down and cry and just give up. But then, there’s GOD. Somehow He gives me hope. I know He’s doing this to make me strong. To make me a better person. To make me wiser. His love heals me and will continually heal me until this process is done and my heart is whole again. I can’t afford a life without Him because I know He is the only one who gives me hope and who loves me even though at times I feel insecure and ugly. God is my everything and may He be praised even with this pain! May He be praised because I will go through this with flying colors! I know He will never leave me nor forsake me!
Why don't you wake up from that STUPID dream of yours? He's NOT COMING BACK! Why do you hurt yourself this much? You're just really pathetic.
Well if you think that I'M pathetic, you should just GET THE HELL out of here and leave me alone!
See that, THAT's what make you MORE pathetic! You push me away when you know I'm the only one who can handle you at your worst. But, I'm better than that. I'm NOT GOING anywhere, not until you realize you deserve someone better than that STUPID guy who keeps you waiting for nothing.
As I write this entry, I’m sitting at a room alone. I’m at the client. And I couldn’t do anything– my brain won’t just work.
If you’ve been my follower for a long time, maybe you might have noticed I was an Accountancy student before. I took the board exams (CPA) and passed it. Now I’m in a corporate world for more than a year and for me– maybe, it isn’t for me.
I felt this way ever since I had my first client. I thought it was just a “phase” but it kept coming back. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t satisfied. I didn’t feel motivated. My job involves going through books of account of companies so our big bosses can “express and opinion to the fairness of the financial statements.” Theoretically, I didn’t appreciate it. In reality, I thought I would– I was wrong.
I’m trying. To be what I’m “supposed to be” just because my profession says so. I’m learning, I guess, but not from my heart. I feel frustrated in more days than others. I’d like to think I was here for a reason.
I had my heart broken by the man I loved for almost 6 years. Got replaced by my very own “not-so-loyal” best friend, in that case. Wake up everyday wanting to get back to bed immediately. Tired. Ever. Single. Time. Watch other people’s lives on Facebook live life to the fullest, get engaged/married. Buy cars. Things.
But it isn’t even that– all my “un"satisfaction just leaves me down to this morning. Trying to look like I’m working my a** off for something I never really appreciate. I’ve wanted this? Yes. I’ve worked hard for this? Yes. But why no satisfaction?
I wanna do something I could be happy about. I pray to God about it every night. I wanna. I just need something. A spark to start the light burning. But I don’t know what– don’t know how. I’m still waiting.