heathers characters as john mulaney quotes
  • veronica: you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair
  • jd: anyone who's seen my dick and met my parents needs to die
  • chandler: sometimes babies will point at me, and i don't care for that shit at all
  • duke: i'm sorry about last night, it's just that i'm mean and loud
  • mcnamara: why do people shush animals? they've never spoken
  • martha: 13 year olds are the meanest people in the world, they scare me to this day
  • kurt: and i had that thought...that only blackout drunks...and steve urkel can have..."did i do that?"
  • ram: for years, scientists have wondered, "can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing tom jones' 'it's not unusual'?", and the answer is YES YOU CAN
  • ms. fleming: i look like i was just sitting in a room in a chair eating saltines for like 28 years