pls expand on your ridiculous experiences during one semester at a fake college
okay I got a few asks about this so let me see what I can remember right now. These might not all be in chronological order
- At orientation, they were talking about the reservation near campus and all these pretty sites and this kid in the back of the auditorium goes “So uhh…heard this place might be built over a Native American burial ground?”
- The speaker: “…Let’s not think about that, okay?”
- The freshman were on campus alone for like a week and a half (other than the RA’s) before the other students and I just. The parties. Were out of control. An ambulance was called basically every night.
- I walked into the bathroom the first night there to find a girl literally dying because someone slipped something in her drink and she was having a Very Bad Reaction
- Sting- you know, the singer- ‘s son lived in my residence hall. This boy almost accidentally killed me on three separate occasions (while I was just trying to do my laundry)
- I told my family about this at Thanksgiving. Everyone in the room advised me to seduce him
- I ate breakfast in the dining hall exactly once. I got scrambled eggs. I noticed no one had brought out ketchup with the condiments and politely asked about it. I received glares from at least ten different people. Apparently people there don’t believe in ketchup on eggs.
- There were these two boys in my English class known as “The Lumbard Guys”. They didn’t live in my residence hall, but they would come over almost every night, start a party, and destroy part of the basement.
- At orientation this one kid got mad and set his shoe on fire to prove a point
- Also at orientation like??? My roommate disappeared???? And I never saw her again???
- Listen like…this campus just looked like the perfect setting for a horror film, but none of the people from the area got that. They all thought I was crazy until some comic from Comedy Central did a stand up act and said “Why the hell is this campus so creepy? I feel like I’m gonna leave here with someone else wearing my face!”. I felt way too validated.
- ALL OF MY CLASSES WERE SO FAKE
- My “math” class was actually a disguised home ec. course???? All we had were word problems that were incredibly detailed recipes or instructions on how to fix things. The teacher, who I swear to GOD was actually my Mr-Rogers-Wannabe guidance counselor from high school in disguise, spent more time trying to come up with names and backstories for the models in the text book than actually trying to teach
- I had to take a class called “first year seminar” because neither of my parents went to college. It was supposed to be teaching you about how the school works and stuff but SUPRISE BITCH WE’RE JUST GONNA YELL ABOUT RACISM AND PRIVELGE FOR AN HOUR.
- Literally that’s all we did. Just the whole class bonding over all these struggles we had gone through and getting fired up. Like, it was great, but I also ended up knowing very little about campus and school stuff bc that was the class that was supposed to be teaching me lmao
- My Psych teacher was fucking hysterical for the first few classes but then he just. Vanished. I had to drop the class
- My Fine Arts teacher just. Couldn’t stick to a teaching plan. Her entire wardrobe was scarves. She was very passionate about African masks. She had a flapper haircut. She spoke quietly, but with a marvelously forced tone of voice that I’m certain was her trying to sound impressive and hide a Boston accent. She didn’t seem to understand the year was 2014. She took us into the city to go to the Art Museum and we lost her in there, never to be seen again
- I’m not even kidding
- My “writing” teacher was my absolute fav omfg. She was this long grey haired hippie lady who worked as a nurse for the Grateful Dead and was still stuck there. She may or may not have hooked up with my uncle. I was her favorite student because one day I came in wearing a “HAIR” shirt. She wanted to take the class to England for the sole purpose of going on a Beatles tour
- But like…she did not teach a writing class omfg. She taught a social justice class. All we did was have informed debates about The Issues and listen to music and occasionally watch the Breakfast Club. Every time there was a big paper due on the syllabus, she’d just sit on her desk and go “I mean, I don’t have to cover anything, right? You guys know how to write!” Like I genuinely don’t think she knew what class she was teaching
- There was a boy who sat next to me in that class. He was deaf in one ear and used that as an excuse when he got caught blatantly not paying attention. It worked every time. But I was right next to him. I saw him playing Yu-Gi-Oh on some website on his phone under the table. One time we started talking about model cars and he pre-cummed.
- There was a boy who roamed the campus in a long black trench coat and a weird hat. I never saw his body and started to suspect he might not have one, just the theory of one. He took interest in me because I was the only person in class who ever got his Doctor Who jokes. He’d come up to me at dinner and blast quiz me on various nerd culture before running off and disappearing into the shadows. Just as I was starting to grudgingly accept I was probably going to have to eventually hook up with him for the greater good, I apparently offended him by saying I like Picard more than Kirk. He didn’t stick around to listen to my reasoning. Whenever I saw him after that he would loudly start talking about how great his girlfriend was. Everyone knew he was lying. I wonder if Kirk ever sucked his theoretical dick as well as I would have.
- I gave a football player a shout out on Yik Yak. He really appreciated it, and gave me some fries laced with weed as a thanks. That was such A Night ™ , I watched the Lorax and left the dimension.
- Every time we had dances, this creepy guy named Horace would find me and use my obvious discomfort to make me dance with him. He’d hold my wrists and shove his crotch on mine while vaguely swaying to the beat. I had to escape to the bathroom every few minutes. Finally the security just banned him from the events altogether. I can still see his face clearly in my mind.
- One night, I walked into the bathroom to find a perfect, untouched pizza laying on the floor…but not in a box. Someone literally just took it out of the box and laid it down. I’m still fuming.
- One time I was in the mostly empty library when I smelled something. I walked down the rows of shelves before rounding the corner, and found the President of the college hidden there, sitting on the floor, smoking, a bottle of vodka in his hands. We held eye contact for a solid minute. He slowly shook his head at me. I said “Sir, your house is like…literally across the street.” He shook his head more vigorously. I left the library.
- One night, I heard screaming. I looked out the window to find a girl in a giraffe costume scaling my building. People were throwing water bottles at her. I was concerned. I didn’t know who to talk to for answers.
- I was in line trying to pay for dinner. One of the lunch ladies climbed on top of the ice cream machine and refused to come down. Her friend came over and they started recreating the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. Very few people acknowledged it.
- Someone jacked up the soda dispenser so it was only dispensing beer. None of the staff cared enough to fix it.
- I caught my RA in the middle of a drug deal so she gave me a coupon for free ice cream
- Also side note: The soft served ice cream machine on campus was actually a frozen yogurt machine. I had no problem with that, but like, advertise correctly, you know? Nobody else seemed to understand my confusion. Nobody else seemed to understand that froyo and ice cream are two different things. What the hell.
- There were just…so many moths all over the campus. A terrifying amount. When it started getting colder I was like, finally, I won’t be attacked by moths anymore! Only for even more moths to appear. I asked a local about it. “Oh, those are the winter moths!” What the fuck are winter moths? What the fuck, Massachusetts? My friend back home grew convinced that Mothman was in the area. I was inclined to believe her. Sometimes I close my eyes and all I can see are moths everywhere, waiting for the moment to strike.
- I’ve encountered deer many times in my life. I know how they act around people. But the deer on this campus were just weird. They’d run out at people all the time. One almost shoved me into traffic.
- My roommate gave my phone number out to literally anyone she found who mentioned they liked to read or liked Doctor Who. She was concerned I had no friends. No one ever called.
- I met a small Greek girl in my Fine Arts class. Our first day of talking, she made me climb a mountain with her so she could get to tutoring, even though I had no reason to be in that building. Her roommates kept mysteriously disappearing. She was late to everything. She’d call me randomly to get food at 1 in the morning. She kept somehow breaking phones and tvs and other electronics. When I asked her how they kept breaking, she waved it off with “Oh, I have OCD. You wouldn’t understand”. I have OCD, and I still don’t understand. One time she invited me out with her friends from high school. I waited outside her building for two hours, while the other friends waited in the parking lot for two hours, because we didn’t know how to find each other. She eventually came outside at 10:30 pm. We went to Friendly’s. She made us stop at her house so she could grab something. We pulled up a long, winding driveway and stopped in a parking lot. At the end of the parking lot were stone stairs that lead up to a mansion on a hill. She ran inside and the rest of us stayed in the car, listening to High School Musical and talking about Supernatural. When she came out 40 minutes later we decided to try and prank her. It went wrong. We almost ran over her friend’s sister with the car. They invited me to a pumpkin patch. When I started complaining about my roommate, she asked me to move in with her. I thought about the other three girls who had seemingly gone missing. I politely declined. Six months after I left the school, I received a text from her asking for notes for an exam, and radio silence after that. I can’t find her on facebook. I fear she might have gone missing too.
- One night, as I was standing outside huddled in the cold, a boy came up and offered me a cigarette to help me stay warm. I turned it down, but he stood around talking to me for a few minutes afterwards. I felt absolutely no awkwardness at all. He was a musician from Colorado. He sang a bit of one of his songs. He was dropping out of school to go to California the next week. He told me I had beautiful eyes, but his were the most alive eyes I’ve ever seen so I couldn’t believe the compliment. We talked for about ten minutes and I fell a little bit in love. He had to rush off to a club meeting, but he told me he’d rather keep talking. He gave me the sweetest smile before he left. I didn’t get his last name or number and I never saw him again.
- There was a dance on Halloween. I couldn’t think of a sufficiently slutty yet classy costume, so I just went as Osgood from Doctor Who. When I got there there was a huge crowd, but people quickly grew bored and started leaving. There ended up being six people left (myself included). We stayed because we could see the upset faces of everyone who had planned the event, but actually had one of the most fun nights of my life. We- myself, the girl from across the hall, Trench Coat Boy, his tiny friend who never spoke, and a boy and girl I didn’t know who seemed to be professional dancers- danced nonstop for almost three hours. The strobe lights and poppy music solidified an unspoken bond. I had never and to this day haven’t felt as free as I did that night. The tiny quiet boy’s smile could have lit up a city. It’s etched into my mind. We all left the dance talking about the surreal feeling in the air, as if something had shifted. None of us ever mentioned the dance again. It’s still one of my fondest memories.
- For a solid month, there was someone in a gorilla costume running around campus.
- There was a rash of sexual assaults on campus. A gang of boys kept jumping girls in the woods. The only thing the school board did was give out free rape whistles at lunch one day. I missed that day, making me one of the only students on campus without a whistle. Later that night when I ordered pizza, the delivery guy tried to start up a conversation with me about all the assaults. He blamed the girls. I took back my tip.
- Sometimes the showers just…filled up with black sludge. No one knew why.
- The girls in the room next to me were very bizarre. They always shot me odd looks and whispered to each other constantly. I couldn’t figure out if they were sleeping together or not. They never washed their hands when we were in the bathroom.
- The doors to each dorm were thick and heavy and required effort to push them open. My roommate and I made sure to lock ours every night, and would triple check it. It swung open by itself almost every night. The channels on the tv would change with the remote equidistance away from us. Sometimes I heard humming in the showers when I was the only one in there.
- My roommate…deserves a whole separate post dedicated to her, honestly.
- She would call her mother and have her do her homework for her. She blasted music constantly, and it was either country or hard rap, nothing in between. She sexiled me constantly. I once walked in on anal. She’d meet guys on Tinder, fall in love with them after a couple of days, and then bring them into the school and into our room like it was no big deal. One of them made it clear he was a budding serial killer. She was in a new drama every week. One time someone called her a dilf on Yik Yak. She was firmly convinced her cousin was blonde because her aunt dyed her hair when she was pregnant. She tried her hardest to get me laid by a football player. She was the loudest drunk I’ve ever encountered. Honestly there’s just too much about her for this omfg
- John Zaffis, the famous paranormal researcher, came to the school on my birthday. I went because I’m a loser who’s been watching shows with him since I was a kid, and I was having a bad day so I decided it could be a treat. I sat in the front row. He held an uncomfortable amount of eye contact with me the entire presentation. He was impressed with my questions. He lamented about the fact he’s always cut out of movies or replaced by priests that look like him. He apparently came to the school every year around Halloween to do a ghost tour around the campus for the students. A girl allegedly killed herself in my floor’s bathroom. He apparently always got a lot of activity around the campus. Everyone in the freshman class started wondering if the rumors about the Native American burial ground were true.
- One time in “writing” class the teacher gave us a number and then whatever song came up as that when we put our music on shuffle we had to play for the class. I ended up with “Touch Me” from Spring Awakening. Midway through the song, the teacher from another class came to complain that they could hear everything. My teacher tried to defend that all music has an important message. “Molly, dear, tell her the message in this song!” I looked around the room and at the other teacher. “It’s about sex,” I said quietly. She stormed out of the room while the class started laughing.
- There was this girl that just had the natural ability to make anything boring. I feel bad saying that, because she’s such a sweet girl, and she’s smart, and she’s gorgeous, and she’s talented, but just…every time she says anything, it’s boring. I’m still friends with her on facebook, the talent transcends to writing as well. You could be having a fun, lively conversation and she could say something completely relevant to the point and yet it would still just be boring. It’s a baffling talent, I still don’t understand how she does it.
- There was a boy who’d come into my room. He lusted over my s’mores poptarts. He kept trying to hit the high notes in Broadway songs. He didn’t understand my sense of humor at all, so we both were constantly worried we were offending each other. He cried about Selena Gomez a lot.
- The dining hall only offered horrendous food. I had pasta almost every night because it was the only thing remotely edible. If you wanted good food, you had to go to Late Night, which was between like 10:30 and 1 I think??? They set it up specifically for stoners and people leaving parties. I was frequently the only sober person there. Except for the moths.
- The chief at the pasta place found out I like theater and got like…weirdly passionate about it. He kept telling me about different theater groups in the area and wanted to know if I was in the school musical. He asked me every time I went up for food.
- There was a disproportionate amount of large black birds to trees. It wasn’t hard to figure out why we so rarely saw smaller animals
- When I told my advisor I was thinking about leaving (mostly for financial reasons but also the fake classes were preventing me from getting an education I wanted, you know?), this little old man looked around his office as if checking for people listening in, then put his hand on top of mine, leaned in close, and whispered “Oh, you sweet little girl. Run as fast as you can.”
There’s definitely more but listen. This school was weird and fake and vaguely surreal and off-kilter. I am fully afraid that one day, years from now, I’m going to be driving through the back roads and pass the place where the campus should be, only I won’t find anything there at all, and won’t be able to find any trace of it ever existing. I won’t be able to find any record of it. I won’t be able to find a record of any of the people. Every time I think about this place I just get a weird feeling, like I somehow managed to escape the Twilight Zone but left a part of me behind in the process. Be careful when applying to college, kids.
Instead of asking myself “Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?” before speaking or doing something controversial, I like to think “Would Carrie Fisher be proud of me? Would Oscar Wilde be proud of me? Would Mr. Rogers be proud of me?”
“Donald Trump is the literal opposite of Fred Rogers.”
I posted that earlier to my facebook feed, and I’ll be honest… When I did it I was kind of hoping it would encourage my friend who studied the life of Fred Rogers extensively to chime in because I knew he would have something pertinent to say. I was not wrong.
“Fred Rogers had such a huge problem with both Regan (who he programmed his show against) and Bush Jr. (The latter of which is much more complicated as they had a relationship that tested Fred’s boundaries.) that I can’t say “I can’t imagine how Fred would react” I know how Fred would react based on his interactions with the lesser evils of Reagan and Bush:
1. Had he not been retired, he would have themed weeks specifically against what Trump was putting in the news cycle. When Trump mocked a disabled reporter he’d have a week on disability and inclusion, when Trump promoted sexual assault, he’d program a week on respect and physical boundaries, when he bad mouthed women he’d have strong women on for a week. Fred would have travelled to do a week on Mexico and he would have moved in an Islamic neighbor.
I know this for a fact because these are the actions he took with Regan both with his “conflict weeks” and his traveling to Russia for remotes during the Cold War.
2. Fred would have attended events Trump invited him to but he would do so on his terms. He would participate in these events as well as long as it was on his terms. Because Fred would rather speak truth into those spaces then avoid them. But Fred would not accuse, he would just bear truth, refuse to be seen as supporting an evil and exit.
This is what he did to respond to the love the Bush family had for him and his work. He even offered prayer at one of their fundraisers: but it was a challenging prayer, one insisting that those in power and privilege use that for the least of these and especially children. After delivering that prayer Fred exited the building and sat outside like a kid after soccer practice waiting for his ride, spurning the thousands of dollars a plate dinner not even gladhanding with the bushes after.
When asked why he said he had reached the limit of what he could do before becoming an accuser. He wanted to challenge but never accuse as accusation was what Fred associated with the devil.
3. Fred would accept invitations to news programs when those programs allowed him to educate parents on countering the negative things coming from the president for their children. He knew those things affected children so he wanted to spread tools on helping them reject war, violence, hatred, oppression and racism.
He did this during any presidents term if it didn’t prevent him from meeting an obligation to children (he once turned down a spot on Nightline to talk about violence and children, one of his main causes, because he had a visit to an elementary school that same morning and knew he wouldn’t be mentally present for it if he was planning for Nightline in the afternoon.)
So we need to be like Fred. Getting in between children and any normalization of Trumps ways or words. Fred would have been diligently working on how to handle Trump in the land of make believe. Just like when King Friday started building nuclear bombs with money he promised to schools. Yeah Fred wasn’t subtle.” - Rev. Kevin Ireland
Reminder that Word of God confirms that Steven is Jewish (and given the surname DeMayo, it sounds like he and Greg are Sephardic specifically). Since inevitably there’s going to be an onslaught of Xmas fanart, here’s some Hanukkah sketches.
“Y/n can you come here please?” Natasha called from somewhere on this floor.
Where on this floor was a completely different matter.
“Where is ‘here’, Nat?” I called back, standing from my bedroom floor.
“My room,” she shouted. “I need your help with something,”
I stepped out of my room into the dark hallway, and stealthily made my way to Natasha’s room. just casually using my shadow abilities to blend in with the darkness and travel through the shadows to get to Natasha’s room faster.
“What do you need?” I leant on her door frame after stepping out of the shadows and watched as she awkwardly tried to assemble a step under her light. “What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to change the light bulb but someone’s taken the ladder and I’m small,” she huffed as she stacked another book onto the pile of crap in the middle of her room.
I felt someone walked behind me and saw Bucky and Steve headed down the hallway. I caught Steve by the arm, making him stop.
“Y’know Nat,” I said, dragging Steve into the room. “I can’t help you change your light, but the Star Spangled Man With A Plan Sure Can,”
I smiled like a goofus as they both stared at me and Bucky snorted before continuing down the hall giggling to himself.
“You’re so proud of your shitty jokes aren’t you?” Natasha laughed finally.
“Actually I’m just proud of getting that whole sentence out without fucking it up,” I grinned before skipping out of the room. and back into the darkness.
“You guys swear so much,” I heard Steve mutter.
The following night we’d all settled in the huge living room to hang out and watch a movie.
I couldn’t remember the name of the movie but it had dragons which was cool.
“Hey Tony,” I called across the room.
“Yeah?” he said through a mouthful of popcorn.
“Can you get a tanning bed for the tower?” I asked.
Natasha laughed and Sam choked on his drink at the randomness of my question.
“Y/n we go outside daily what the hell for?” Tony chuckled at me.
“I wanna force Steve into it so I can called him The Star Spangle Man With A Tan,” I said plainly, succeeding in holding in my laughter.
Clint clearly wasn’t trying as hard as me as he burst into a fit of giggles on the couch.
Bucky laughed and muttered something that sounded like “eat it Steve” But I couldn’t be sure.
Steve just shook his head turned the volume on the movie up.
The next day we went on a mission was the best I’d ever been on because Steve just kept finding himself in positions where I could take the piss.
The first was in the gym that morning we were working on an agility warm up game and Steve was explaining what he wanted us to do.
“First you’re going to run the beam while dodging swinging punching bags,” He pointed to one end of the room where that course was set up. “Then you have to make it over the sponge pit via the money bars and avoid being hit with a dodge ball, and then you will climb over the A frame, rescue the ‘civilian’ and carry them back down to safety all the while being attacked by ‘Villains’”
“What’s the catch?” I crossed my arms as I looked at the very easy course.
“You have to make it from here,” he gesture to the start of the track, and still keeping his first arm up he pointed to the end with the other. “To there in 30 seconds or less,”
I noticed he still had his arms both out pointing at each end of the course.
I nudged Natasha in the arm and chuckled.
“Star Spangled Man With A Wide Arm Span” I stifled my laugh through one hand while pointing at Steve with the other.
“Y/n your time limit is now 20 seconds,” Steve huffed before hitting the buzzer and Clint began running the course.
The Second time was when we were first out on our mission and some bad guys were fuckin shit up down-town with alien weapons.
A woman was cornered between some cars that had collided and a man with a very strange looking gun that blasted purple plasma rays.
I sank down into the shadow cast by the building I stood behind and traveled to the shadow under the cars behind the the man with the plasma gun.
Sliding out from under the car I kicked my leg out and brought him to the ground, elbowed him in the nose and took his gun.
While he lay squirming in pain on the ground I took the womans hand and began running as fast as I could drag her away from the man. Tossing the gun up to one of Tony’s uninhabited suits.
“Cap where are you?” I shouted into the coms.
“Be by your side in a second,” his voice rang in my ear. “Don’t move,”
I stopped running and withing second Steve landed on the hood of one of the bad guys cars right next to me and the woman, holding a couple more of the alien guns.
“Give me the guns,” I said. “I’ll take them to the suits,”
He tossed the guns to me and I squealed.
“DON’T THROW A PLASMA RAY AT SOMEONE YOU DOLT!” I shouted.
I secured my grip on the guns and turned to the woman.
“Hi are you okay?” I asked her. “I’m Shadow what’s your name?”
“I’m fine,” she said breathless, clearly ecstatic that she’d been saved by the avengers. “My name is Anne,”
“Ugh YES” I was suddenly so very happy.
The woman looked very confused.
“Star Spangled Man, Look After Anne,” I shouted as I shoved the woman into Caps arms and dove into another shadow before he could retaliate.
The last was when he was chasing a bad guy and was thrown back through the window of a bakery.
I fly kicked the bad guy into the wall and he slumped to the ground out cold.
“Cap you okay?” I called as I climbed through the shattered window frame to see a few customers helping him stand.
The owner of the bakery came around the counter with a pastry dish in her hands and gave it to me.
I mean we just smashed through the wall of her shop surely it’s not a thank you?
Cap and I exited the bakery and were met by Hawkeye and Black Widow looking at us.
“Whatcha got there?” Clint eyed the pastry dish in my hands.
It was now that I realised what it was. Immediately I handed it to Steve.
“The Star Spangled Man With A Fruit Flan,” I put my hands on my hips and grinned proudly so wide my eyes were squinted shut.
My happy streak didn’t last very long because something impacted with the top of my head and I was suddenly very cold.
I opened my eyes and wiped custard out of my eyes.
“Did you just dump a perfectly good fruit flan on my head?” I turned and growled at Steve.
“Dude we could’ve eaten that,” Clint whined.
Steve just smiled with pride that could have mirrored my own.
For the next week or so there was no joke I could have used at the right time so I just had to wait for the right opportunity.
One finally came along.
Cap and Black Widow were sent on a small mission and I was bored so I followed them in the shadows.
During a scuffle between Cap and one of the targets, Cap was thrown from a 2 story roof and smashed into the roof of a parked (and thankfully empty) minivan.
I immediately pulled out my phone and snapped an unflattering photo of the scene and sank back into the shadows and portalled home.
I sat waiting for their return in the living room ready to project my photo onto the largest screen in the room. As soon as the walked in I called all the other to join me.
“Guys, guys,” I was shaking with excitement.
“oh god what did you do?” Bucky sighed with a laugh as I hopped back and forth from one foot to the other.
“I snapped a really awesome photo,” I half squealed.
I clicked the button that projected what was on my phone to the tv screen and held my hands out in a presenting manner.
“Ta-daaa!” I smiled and looked around the room at the confused faces of my team.
“What exactly am I looking at?” Tony asked.
“It’s The Star Spangled Man In A Minivan,” I yelled happily.
“How did you even get that picture?” Steve looked astonished. “Did you follow us?”
“No that would be creepy,” I giggled before sinking into the shadow in the floor and traveling into the hallway.
“I don’t think anything will ever be as creepy as seeing a smiling chick sink into the floor,” I heard Clint shiver.
I woke up a few days later to F.R.I.D.A.Y telling my that I’d overslept and breakfast was being made in the kitchen where the others had already gathered.
I shot out of bed and ran out of my room, very annoyed at the well lit rooms and hallways that I could’t shadow travel through.
“Please be Steve, please be Steve,” I chanted to myself as I sprinted down the hallway and jogged on the spot in the elevator to the recreation floor.
I got a number of odd looks from the team who were all assembled around the breakfast table when I burst into the kitchen very short of breath.
Much to my joy, I was greeted by the beautiful sight of Steve frying bacon and eggs on the electric stove.
I failed to control my laboured breathing and huffed my way to the island bench, awkwardly posing on the edge of the counter with a smug grin.
“Y/n please don-” Steve looked so done but I cut him off.
“Star Spangled Man With A Pan,” I wheezed with a proud smile.
“Damnit!” Clint beat his fist down on the table, startling most of the team. “I’ve been trying to thinkof one for ages I can’t be;live I missed that,”
“Get your own joke Katniss,” I giggled, siting on the bar stool and winking at Steve.
“You’re not getting any bacon,” he grumbled and plated some for everyone but me.
AU where instead of going to Samwell, Jack starts a widely successful Publicly Broadcast show for children.
Jack learns that he is great with kids after coaching them for a little over two years. Moreover, kids are good with Jack. There is no pressure to be anything other than who he is.
It all starts with a local news program doing a fluff piece on Jack Zimmermann’s coaching ability. But then it turned into something completely different when Jack skated onto camera and started to introduce every single one of his kids and what was special about them. He was…really enchanting actually. He didn’t ever really talk down to them. Jack just treated them as a tiny friend.
They ARE his tiny friends, but that’s not the point.
The footage they got of “snack time” was really the best. Imagine a good 16 kids piled around this massive man teaching them the best way to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
It should have been obvious that a local channel would contact him. It still surprises Jack. They want him to host a show? Why? Everyone always teased him about how impersonable he was during interviews. Is it because he’s Jack Zimmermann’s son? Or Alicia’s?
Jack asks all of these questions to his mother and she just laughs. “You made a PB&J interesting to 16 kids just by being you”
People have said, “Don’t cry” to other people for years and years,and all it has ever meant is, “I’m too uncomfortable when you show your feelings. Don’t cry.” I’d rather have them say, “Go ahead and cry. I’m here to be with you.”
- Mr. Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers
Did you really convince little Steve Rogers that the fireworks on the fourth of July were for his birthday?
that was the handiwork of one mrs sara rogers, who used to take her little asthmatic arrhythmic tiny baby son on the roof to watch the fireworks on his birthday. (mostly so that they didnt have to be in the apartment with steves dad, who had shellshock which he medicated with waaaay too much alcohol, and he was always worse on the fourth, since it sounded like there were explosions going off everywhere. steves dad died when he was three, and my ma said once that mrs rogers might have missed him, but she didnt miss the bruises he left.)
as it happened, that was how i first met steve–on the roof of the building when i was four and he was turning three. i actually remember it, which is pretty incredible considering how old i was and how swiss-cheese my brain is. but there was mrs sara, with her tiny little baby on her hip. i’d never seen anybody so fair-skinned and blonde as mrs sara and stevie, and the lights off the fireworks painted them all sorts of colors. most of the other little kids were crying and had to be brought inside because the noise scared them, but not baby stevie–he was reaching his little bitty baby hands up, trying to grab the sparkly fireworks. probably the noise didnt bother him because he was partially deaf, but mrs sara always insisted that it was just that he had more courage than could fit inside him.
generally, she also mentioned that all that courage had taken up the space where his common sense was supposed to be.
when steve was three, he said his favorite color was america–by which he meant red, white, and blue, because that was the colors for his birthday, and everyone always celebrated with him.
even after mrs sara died, us barneses kept up the fireworks story, and i passed it on to the howlies eventually.
i dont know how old steve was when he figured out that the whole city wasnt just throwing him a huge birthday celebration, but im sure that if you asked him, he’d still insist the fireworks were for him.
whatever PR schmuck decided to name him captain america probably had no idea how accurate a name it was.