Eric “Bitty” Bittle, great-grandson of Howling Commando Dum Dum Dugan (on his Mama’s side), has a cousin coming to Samwell and needs to crash at the Haus for a while until they can “sort out his living arrangements.”
Bitty’s cousin Steve is a Brooklyn boy from New York, an art student, is about five foot and change of sass and kindness.
Also, he can cook too.
(“Bless your heart, is that colcannon, cousin?”
“Trust me on this - the boyfriend loves it.” )
Shitty is over the moon because “Cousin Steve” has an amazing tolerance to the Haus’ infamous “Tub Juice.”
Of course, Jack the History Major promptly has a heart attack because World War II is one of his major interests and he totally recognizes Bitty’s “Cousin Steve” and he actually fumbles when Steve smiles ruefully and just shakes his hand.
Jack mumbles something about his thesis on the Howling Commandos and Steve tells him it’s a “Yes.”
Also, Jack is not sure whether to be thankful or completely pissed off that Steve proved that Bitty is a full body blusher. He tries not to understand what it meant when Steve looked Jack up and down and turned to Bitty and said, “Cousin, we definitely have a type.”
“Oh my lord,” Bitty moaned.
“Brunette, killer cheekbones and blue-gray eyes, Bits. We’re definitely related."
"YOU STOP THAT, STEVEN GRANT."
Jack begins to understand about brunette and killer cheekbones when he realizes "Cousin Steve” has a shadow who, for whatever reason, trips all of Jack’s internal alarm bells.
Shitty is all: “He’s ex-military and is taking engineering.”
“How do you know this?”
“Elementary, my dear Watzimms - you don’t get that murder strut on America’s Next Top Model.”
“Okay, so maybe I saw him take down one of the few known assholes on campus - the one who tried to drown our Bits in the toilet?”
“The one who still has your sneaker prints on his ass from when you kicked him out of the Haus.”
“Not that you didn’t sock him on the jaw too. That was beautiful, bro.”
“Well, Mr. Murder Strut put the fear of God into him, so much so that I hear he’s dropping out and moving to some other campus.”
Jack comes into the Haus one day to find Mr. Murder Strut sprawled out on the couch and Cousin Steve curled up on top of him, purring contentedly.
Mr. Murder Strut calmly regards Jack and then says, “Your fella’s in the kitchen. Try not to keep him waiting.”
Mr. Murder Strut has a nice smile. “He’s a keeper, you know. Shouldn’t let him get away. I know I’m not going to let go of mine.”
“Buck,” Cousin Steve manages to sound reproving even sleepy.
“I’m just sayin’!”
The other shoe drops. If James Buchanan Barnes, former Howling Commando, is dispensing love advice to Jack Zimmerman, he probably needs to pay attention.
Jack manages to get himself into the kitchen where Bitty and apple maple crusted pie awaited. It took a few false starts but it did end with apple maple-flavored kisses and an armful of happy, giggling Bitty.
Cousin Steve and Mr. Bucky “Murder Strut” Barnes became constant Haus guests.
And Lo, I Have Fallen Into Gay Hockey Hell With Stucky, a Blanket Fort Headcanon In Which There Is No Civil War, Everything is Happy and Nothing Hurts