It’s embarrassing you know? To want you. Not like the fact that I want you is embarrassing. But the amount that I want you. I’d always sworn to myself that I wouldn’t do this. I wouldn’t play it out like this if you came around. You’ve got me in the palm of your hand. And although that’s really not too frightening for me. The fact that it doesn’t frighten me is what’s got me all twisted up. It’s like an old 80’s song. “I want you to want me.” But it’s never that simple is it? I’m over here, like a 15 year old kid. Drawing you pictures and writing you letters. And the best damn lyrics I can come up with are, “I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I’d love you to love me. I’m begging you to beg me.” But that’s too simple.
I’ve had this file sitting on my desktop for literally over two years. I was just so tired of looking at it. What I posted wasn’t even done, but I just needed it to go away. It’s funny how sometimes the more you put something off, the more difficult you’ll perceive it to be.
Today you watched as I made myself lunch. It’s a simple action that I do without really think. Soup, chips and cheese. But you watched me like a movie. I was confused until you said, “sometimes I just want to watch you. To see who you are in your own home.” A few hours later I got to thinking about it. I want you to study me. I want you to be the one who knows how I tie my shoes, wash my face or brush my teeth. I want you to be the one who can predict my little habits. Like how I tap my pen when I’m contemplating the next sentence in the story I’m writing. How I move my foot back and forth between the brake and gas pedal when driving through town. I want you to notice the little things like how I look at the ceiling twice when entering a room for the first time. How I look at your lips when you talk or I try to memorize your face for the lonely nights ahead. I want you to realize I steal your sweatshirts because when we have to be apart and I’m alone or upset… it helps me feel close to you. Sometimes I put them in my pillow case so I can close my eyes and the smell of you makes it easier to pretend I’m not alone. I want you to know every little thing because I want you to know me. All of me. All the stupid, weird and silly things that make me who I am. I want that because I want to know all of you too.
I can’t tell you the moment that it happened. I mean I could try but a few little moments come to mind and I feel like they all add up. But at some point something changed. I’ll stand in front of someone and look them in the eyes. With a firm voice I’ll lie and say I’m fine. But with you, I can’t. I can’t make that eye contact, I can’t stand on solid ground. Maybe that’s what love is. Knowing that someone sees right through the lies, the walls and they may not have a key to the padlocked gate but they find a way to pick the lock. I don’t want to be like that when I’m around you. I want to be able to look at you and say I need help. Or ask if you will just sit with me even if I can’t talk. I want to be able to fall apart in your arms and not feel ashamed. I’m working on that. I’m sorry it’s taking so long… just don’t leave. Please be patient with me. Because no one else has been. And I don’t know how to handle the compassion you show me.
I’ve spent time by the ocean. Time on a mountain. I’ve spent time in a valley and time in the flat lands. I’ve seen a lot of sunsets and the sunrise a handful of times. But I’ve never seen anything quite as beautiful as you.
I didn’t get this far to just throw my hands up and walk away. If you wanna know the truth. I made a decision. That night in your room, I knew. I’m a nervous person. I’m in love with music and the stars. I love the way you say my name. I didn’t get this far for you to get bored with me. Day in and day out for weeks I had the chance to change my mind. I could have decided I was too afraid to try this. But I didn’t get this far to lose it all now. So here it goes… I’m afraid of spiders, you already know that. I hate the color of bran new sweats. My shoes never stay clean. I like watching old Disney movies like camp rock because it makes me happy how goofy they are. I know I’m too serious but I also know you’re changing that. Slowly but I can feel it. I hate lasagna just because of the weird cheese. I love the sound of pianos. Making you smile is my favorite way to spend my time. I’m afraid of the dark. I love apples dipped in caramel. I prefer wine to beer but I don’t tell anyone because I like to look tough. I complain about you hogging the blankets or me not being able to sleep.. but half the time I really just stayed up watching you sleep or telling you how I feel. I didn’t make it this far to lose you now. I don’t trust cats not to spill my water. I adore love movies. I hate rap music but listening to you rap makes me smile. I look at the ceiling three times when I walk into a room for the first time. I tap my fingers on the steering wheel when I want to say something but I’m nervous. I love 80’s music. I get grumpy when I’m scared. Instead of facing my fear with any other emotion, I tend to lean towards anger. I didn’t make it this far to watch this go up in flames. I love you. I love your curly hair, brown eyes and that laugh. Dammit I love your laugh. I love that you make me smash the spiders even though you know I hate them too. I love sharing my cheetos with you. I didn’t make it across the country and back into your life for no reason. So here I am.