Stupid bimbo scams me, is dumb enough to brag about it on Facebook.

So my little brother dumps his girlfriend “Shelly” for a hotter one, and stops paying her bills. Shelly loses her job a few days later, and is in danger of losing her apartment. My little bro feels bad for her, and BEGS me to find her some kind of work - any kind of work. I jokingly tell him that she could mow my lawn for $50 (the teen I used to hire charged $80). He jumps on this, thanks me profusely, and calls Shelly to tell her the good news.

So she uses my lawn mower - I give her a key to my shed - she does a good job and I pay her $50. No big deal. TWO GODDAMN DAYS LATER, she comes to my workplace, says, “Okay, you owe me another $50. I mowed your lawn again!” I scratch my head at that, tell her hey, I know you’re having financial difficulties, but I normally only get my lawn mowed once it’s a couple of inches higher. I pay her another $50, chalk it up to Shelly being usual dumb Shelly, and fuggitaboutit.

But suddenly Shelly is everywhere, showing up at my office when she knows I’ll be there and begging for cash, saying that she “was in the neighborhood, and noticed that the lawn needed mowing”. My secretary points out that Shelly has shown up 8 times in the past 6 weeks. On a whim I check her Facebook page, and notice that every time she has just been “in the neighborhood”, she and her friends have gone and gotten drunk that night, taking selfies in some not-so-cheap clubs. So much for “financial difficulties”.

I email Shelly and tell her that under no circumstances is she to be on my property unless I call her first. I change the lock on the shed that houses the mower, and figure this will solve the problem.

The next day (according to my neighbors’ story):
Shelly stops by my house, knowing I am at work. She tries to unlock the shed with her key, and notices the lock has changed. Screams bloody murder and kicks things. Notices that MY BEDROOM WINDOW IS PARTIALLY OPEN, and climbs in. Apparently she didn’t find the new key, because she left through the front door a few minutes later - leaving my door wide open for anyone passing by.

She ganged up on me when I got home, and started screaming that I owed her money “for her time” because she would’ve mowed the lawn. Um, what? I reminded her that I’d already told her NOT to come over unless I called first. She demands that she is not leaving until she gets her $50. I tell her she can wait all day if she wants. She then starts crying, saying that she doesn’t even have the gas money to drive her car to the gas station; that she was planning to use the money to walk into town and buy gas. I tell her, “Oh, so you weren’t planning to go to [big well-known concert] tonight?”

The look of shock on her face is priceless. I know damn well she was planning to go with her friends, because she was stupid enough to rave about it on her Facebook page. She pouts and stammers and sits in her car. I go inside and turn on the TV. It takes her half an hour to admit defeat and speed away. So much for not having any gas.

The best part of this was telling my little brother. He was stunned. He said he was considering getting back together with her, but this behavior killed that possibility.


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“Plants have feelings though” is a fairy tale some meat-eaters tell themselves. I’ve seen this argument too often, so let’s just end it now.

Everyone knows there is a difference between mowing the lawn, and mowing over 50 kittens. Every knows the difference between picking some apples, and from throwing live male chicks into grinders (as is common-place in the egg industry).

Plants are different to animals. Plants aren’t sentient - they have no brain, no nerves, no central nervous system, and they have no ability to feel ‘pain’ or react in a conscious way.

Plants can react to vibrations and chemical stimulus, but this isn’t a conscious act, it’s autonomic. However, we do know that birds, mammals and fish have well-developed nervous systems and pain receptors. Like us, they show pleasure and pain and they present comparable evidence of fear and well-being. Animals cry out in pain, they nurse wounded body parts, and they seek to avoid those who have hurt them in the past.

Veganism is about doing the least harm. it’s a way of living that seeks to exclude, as far as possible and practical, all forms of exploitation to animals.

And if you do genuinely care about plants, realise that it still takes somewhere around 4lbs to 16lbs of plants to make just 1lb of meat, so vegans still consume less plants overall anyway. Go to the source, don’t get your nutrients second-hand after they’ve been filtered through an animal.

Producing a single pound of beef, for instance, requires sixteen pounds of grain. One pound of pork requires six pounds of grain and for every sixteen ounces of edible chicken flesh that is produced, at least five pounds of innocent plants must lose their lives.

In the United States alone, fifty-six million acres of arable land are dedicated to growing hay for livestock production, whereas only four million acres are used to grow fruits and vegetables for people. Thirty percent of the Earth’s land surface, which is equivalent to seventy percent of all agricultural land on the planet, is devoted to growing crops for and raising farm animals. And according to the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, the amount of grain fed to livestock in the U.S. alone could feed about 840 million people, roughly eleven times the number of people who die of starvation every year.

The misery and suffering of the tens of billions of animals raised and slaughtered for food every year are multiplied by hundreds of orders of magnitude if one accepts the claim that plants, as well as animals, possess consciousness and therefore suffer when they are harvested.

So if you genuinely believe plants suffer, a vegan-diet actually saves billions of plants. (And as a bonus, saves plenty of animals too!)

It’s time we end the “Plants have feelings, though!” argument and recognise it for what it really is: a weak attempt to undermine the ethical basis of veganism with bad logic and pseudo-science.