A Romeo and Juliet-themed wedding? Ha ha, no. I want a Much Ado About Nothing-themed wedding. My cousin and her fiancé get halfway through their vows before the congregation is witness to their messy and uncomfortably public break-up. Three-quarters of the church gets up and leaves with them. My bride and I stand. The organ begins to play. The real wedding begins. 

quote: “But love thee better than thou canst devise // Till thou shalt know the reason of my love. // And so, good Capulet, which name I tender // As dearly as mine own, be satisfied.” - Romeo, 3.1.68-71

translation: got such a good surprise coming you’ll never guess can’t wait to see the looks on their faces when we tell them we eloped

Things I want from a modern retelling of Romeo and Juliet:

- Everyone is dressed in traditional costuming, but the script is in modern English.
- “Romeo, Romeo, why the FUCK did you have to be ROMEO?”
- Juliet talks like a rich white valley girl and wears a flower crown.
- She keeps taking inappropriately timed selfies and posting them on instagram.
- Tybalt won’t stop talking about his crossfit regime.
- Romeo only listens to My Chemical Romance.
- Mercutio’s Queen Mab speech is followed by Benvolio asking “Are you high right now?” (He is)
- Mercutio dabs on stage. Unironically. More than once.
- When the boys are all catcalling Nurse it’s super cringy.
- instead of “a sail! A sail!” You get “Hey Fatass!” “Fatass? I just see a boat!” “Weigh anchor! You’re gonna break the docks, Fatass!”
- Tybalt also dabs on stage, exactly twice.
- The first time is awful and his friends have to correct him.
- Tybalt dabs at Mercutio and Mercutio responds by doing a backflip and ending in a dab.
- The Tybalt/Mercutio fight is an absolutely serious dancebattle with no weapons.
- Mercutio still dies anyway.
- Tybalt tries to dance battle Romeo too, but Romeo keeps taking it too seriously and not dancing back.
- This is because Romeo only knows how to ballroom dance.
- Paris wears a trillby and calls it a fedora.
- Juliet Snapchats her own death.
- Romeo doesn’t have Snapchat.

Shakespeare's works only they're D&D

DM: Your beloved is dead, what do you do?
Romeo: I roll to mourn. *rolls 20*
DM: You mourn so hard you drink poison and kill yourself.

DM: The witches have given you their prophecy, what do you do?
Macbeth: I roll a perception check *rolls 1*
DM: You immediately trust everything they said and base the rest of your life on it.