A Romeo and Juliet-themed wedding? Ha ha, no. I want a Much Ado About Nothing-themed wedding. My cousin and her fiancé get halfway through their vows before the congregation is witness to their messy and uncomfortably public break-up. Three-quarters of the church gets up and leaves with them. My bride and I stand. The organ begins to play. The real wedding begins.
quote: “But love thee better than thou canst devise // Till thou shalt know the reason of my love. // And so, good Capulet, which name I tender // As dearly as mine own, be satisfied.” - Romeo, 3.1.68-71
translation: got such a good surprise coming you’ll never guess can’t wait to see the looks on their faces when we tell them we eloped
Things I want from a modern retelling of Romeo and Juliet:
- Everyone is dressed in traditional costuming, but the script is in modern English.
- “Romeo, Romeo, why the FUCK did you have to be ROMEO?”
- Juliet talks like a rich white valley girl and wears a flower crown.
- She keeps taking inappropriately timed selfies and posting them on instagram.
- Tybalt won’t stop talking about his crossfit regime.
- Romeo only listens to My Chemical Romance.
- Mercutio’s Queen Mab speech is followed by Benvolio asking “Are you high right now?” (He is)
- Mercutio dabs on stage. Unironically. More than once.
- When the boys are all catcalling Nurse it’s super cringy.
- instead of “a sail! A sail!” You get “Hey Fatass!” “Fatass? I just see a boat!” “Weigh anchor! You’re gonna break the docks, Fatass!”
- Tybalt also dabs on stage, exactly twice.
- The first time is awful and his friends have to correct him.
- Tybalt dabs at Mercutio and Mercutio responds by doing a backflip and ending in a dab.
- The Tybalt/Mercutio fight is an absolutely serious dancebattle with no weapons.
- Mercutio still dies anyway.
- Tybalt tries to dance battle Romeo too, but Romeo keeps taking it too seriously and not dancing back.
- This is because Romeo only knows how to ballroom dance.
- Paris wears a trillby and calls it a fedora.
- Juliet Snapchats her own death.
- Romeo doesn’t have Snapchat.
These violent delights have violent ends. And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume. The sweetest honey is loathsome in its own deliciousness. Therefore, love moderately.
its one in the morning and i have the window open and i hear a neighbor in my apartment building and a neighbor in the apartment building across from them reenacting the balcony scene from romeo and juliet