movie: troy

On this day, April 24, sometime in BC, is the traditional date of the fall of Troy.

Troy was at first unknown to be factual city, known through Homer , until an Archaeologist, Heinrich Schliemann in 1870 followed the geographical clues in the ‘Iliad’ and began excavating North West Turkey. He was convinced he had found the legendary city of Troy and excavated a hill called Hisarlick, in Anatolia, on Turkey’s coast. He discovered huge city walls and evidence of a city destroyed by fire. The archaeology site called Troia, where the city is now called now Truva by the Turkish Government.

At this time, as told by Homer’s Iliad the King of Troy, was Priam, which was waged war upon the Trojans by the Achaeans (Greeks) over Helen, the wife of Agamemnon, who was kidnapped by Paris, the Prince of Troy. As Paris refused to return Helen, the War is thought to have lasted about ten years or more and eventually the Greeks won by using the deception of offering the Trojans a statue of a Horse as a gift that they would take inside the Walls of Troy, once inside the statue was filled with the Greek warriors that were able to open the Gates of Troy allowing and the Greeks to overcome, burn and pillage the city.

The language spoken in the ancient city of Troy is not certain, but thought that the inhabitants, Trojans could understand Greek.

HERACLES FUCKS UP TROY

A GENERATION BEFORE ALL THE HELEN AND PARIS FUCKERY, TROY HAD A LOT OF SHIT GOING DOWN. SPECIFICALLY, KING LAOMEDON (FATHER OF THAT PRIAM FUCKER) HAD MANAGED TO GET APOLLO AND POSEIDON TO BUILD SOME BIG-ASS WALLS FOR HIS CITY.

HE HAD PROMISED TO PAY THE GODS WITH HIS FANCY HORSES (GIVEN TO TROY IN EXCHANGE FOR ZEUS KIDNAPPING GANYMEDE, KEEP UP), BUT HE WAS A LYING ASSHOLE. IN REVENGE, APOLLO SENT TROY A MOTHERFUCKING PLAGUE, AND POSEIDON SENT A BIG-ASS SEA MONSTER. OF COURSE THE SEA-MONSTER COULD ONLY POSSIBLY BE STOPPED BY GIVING IT A PRINCESS, VERY ORIGINAL.

CONVENIENTLY PRINCESS HESIONE WAS ON HAND AND SO LAOMEDON HAD HER TIED UP IN FRONT OF THE MONSTER. HERACLES HAD HEARD ABOUT THIS AND SHOWED UP, SAYING HE WOULD KILL THE MONSTROUS FUCKER IF LAOMEDON GAVE HIM THOSE FUCKING HORSES. LAOMEDON SAYS SURE THING (HERACLES IS A BIT OF AN IDIOT).

HERACLES’ BATTLE PLAN IS TO GET EATEN BY THE MONSTER, AND FOR THREE DAYS HE FIGHTS IT FROM THE INSIDE BECAUSE HE IS ONE BAD-ASS MOTHER-FUCKER. EVENTUALLY HE CUTS ITS TONGUE OFF AND EVERYTHING IS GROOVY. 

BUT OF COURSE LAOMEDON DOESN’T GIVE HERACLES THE HORSES, BECAUSE HE IS A COMPLETE ASSHOLE (ALSO THESE ARE SOME MIGHTY FINE EQUINES).

HERACLES GOES FUCKING CRAZY BECAUSE HE’S HERACLES AND THAT’S WHAT HE DOES. HE AND A SMALL GANG TRASH TROY, KILL LAOMEDON AND MOST OF THE IMPORTANT FUCKERS. THIS TOOK AGAMEMNON AND FRIENDS 10 FUCKING YEARS. HERACLES GETS SHIT DONE.

THE ONLY SURVIVORS ARE THE PRINCESS, HESIONE, AND HER BROTHER PODARCES (WHO CHANGED HIS NAME TO PRIAM FOR LEGAL REASONS).