So here it is
It’s the last day of exams, or it was. But I’m gonna go back in time.
Two weeks ago I got in a fight with Taiga and Youki. Taiga had been ignoring me for a while and I didn’t pay much attention to it until Youki told me she talked shit about me to her other friends. After an endless conversation with Youki I managed to give her the choice : either she took the “transphobic route” and never talked to me again, or she stayed my friend but left Taiga. Not difficult at all for her to be openly transphobic. She broke out 5 years of friendship.
I avoided both of them for two weeks. Until today, I was talking to my new friend Christian about how everything was going so fast, moving without me, how everyone dropped me in the spawn of this month. I lost all of them I had no more friends in the school. “I feel like everyone started being a dick to me..” I said to him. Youki who was listening came up to me and started yelling at me “THATS BECAUSE YOUVE BEEN A MEAN BITCH TO ALL OF US” she started crying. I don’t believe one second those were real tears. I decided to walk around the “playground” with Christian. I wanted to put my mind somewhere else. We started talking about Saw and all of the games in the movies. Then Taiga and Youki got in my way :
Taiga : Hey you slut-
Me : *pushes her over and ignores her*
I still heard her. I still remember. It still does hurt. From afar I could hear her scream “Hoe, bitch, slut, whichever female-gendered degrading insult”
I got to a flashback
[Me : I think…I wanna be a boy.
Taiga and Youki : you know, well love you no matter what.]
Absolute lies. LIES. HOW DARED THEY. I was betrayed.I wanted to cry. I lost everything today. My friends, my dignity, my self confidence and my Latin test. I obviously failed it how could I concentrate after…that. I went back home with no words. Took a cold bath. Cried for a bit. I hated myself. “I should just be a girl. I should just stop my transition and everything will be better! If I were a girl it would be so much easier!! And I wouldn’t be hated so much” I cried.
Time does not heal all wounds… not when it comes to you and me. With us – time is the dagger and distance is the wound…
The more time that goes by, the more distance there is between us and the deeper I am hurt. Time cannot help me – time is the enemy.
Time takes our memories away and with every passing moment it encourages you to move forward without me.
Time left me behind. It abandoned me… it moved on without me like you did…
So no, time doesn’t heal all wounds… In fact, sometimes it cuts you deeper…
oh my father; who came before me, and his father, who died early, and his father, who liked whiskey, and his father, who ran drugs through countries, and his father, who ate too much and shouted plenty, and his father - was this the one that started the cycle? who first raised fist like man raises torch with fire? who first called down thunder onto cowering heads, who brought storms into houses? was it his father before him? where does the blame rest? on whose shoulders do i shrug it? do i pass it off and make my father a better man? cut out the pieces of him that make him a catastrophe? without rage do his hands become carpenter hard but soft and loving, do i no longer flinch when he moves them towards me. without anger do his words become lighter, balloon up and trail on our ceiling and float around without us fearing they will catch on fire. will i see the father of better mornings, when he is at his best, when he is smiling over pancakes and being the man my mother fell in love with. will i no longer guess which father i get today, which switch is flicked, which creature comes out of him. and oh my father, and his father, and so on to the first who raised sons to be a rifle - when i meet him, will he finally be the one to tell me i am loved? that i’m a good enough daughter? when i meet him - god, what if i meet him and the only thing i know how to do is beat him? what if i start the cycle myself, the way that it threatens to keep breathing in me when i raise children. what if. what if.
i see his hands, and carpenter scars and a laugh that shakes a building.
happy father’s day, i write him. oh my father. there will be no more raised hands after me. it doesn’t matter who started it, he’d say to me, i’m ending it. and i’m ending it. after all of this i forgive you, or i’m learning to, or at least i’m learning how not to let it ruin me.
Advice for native speakers of a language when encountering foreigners learning their language
Of course this is aimed at people who want to help others learn their native language. It’s based on personal experiences from when I first came to France. If the language learner you meet is advanced and speaks fluently you might not have to do any of these. But I think they’re
good to keep in mind when meeting new language learners.
1. Slow down a bit. Don’t do that thing often shown in movies where people speak super loud and as if in slow motion. Speaking super slow doesn’t help much with understanding or learning and shouting is useless unless you’re in a noisy environment. Just slightly slow down your normal talking speed, it makes it easier to recognize more individual words and phrases. And maybe dial down on colloquialisms a bit at first.
2. Give the person time to process what you said. Sometimes it can take a few moments to realize what was just said to us when we don’t speak the language well (even if the person is speaking slower than their normal speed). So don’t just assume the person didn’t understand you if they don’t respond immediately, give them a moment first.
3. Ask if they understood what you said once in a while. Also offer to repeat or explain things. Some people won’t have a problem letting you know if they didn’t understand a word or a phrase, but others might feel bad asking you to repeat yourself multiple times (I know I do). So just ask every once in a while to make sure they’re still following you.
4. Use simple words to explain things. If the person is just starting out with their language learning then they don’t have a large vocabulary so using unnecessarily long sentences filled with fancy words will just confuse them even more. Simpler is always better.
Example: I once had to call a phone company’s help line to resolve an issue. I told the person I didn’t speak French very well, carefully explained the problem and he spent ten minutes talking at normal speed, explaining something to me and I didn’t understand a word. When I told him I didn’t understand he spent even longer repeating what he said and going in even more detail and I still had no idea what he was saying. I was too embarrassed and didn’t want to spend twenty more minutes on the phone with this guy so I just told him I got it and hung up. The next time I called, someone else answered and they explained it to me clearly in a fraction of the time and I understood them perfectly.
So keep your explanations short and simple.
5. If they can’t think of a word in your language and say it in another language you have in common, tell them the word in your language before moving on with the conversation. So many times people have just nodded in understanding and moved on with the conversation without telling me the French word when I’ve used an English word for something in the middle of a sentence. It can be a bit frustrating to have to interrupt the conversation to ask for clarification after every sentence (and for those of us on the shy and/or socially anxious side it’s also nerve-wracking). Conversations will flow much smoother if you just throw in the translation of the word in your language and then move on. Also
6. Don’t automatically switch to another common language after they use a word or a phrase from that language when they can’t think of them in your language. Ask first. It might be easier for both of you, but it doesn’t help them learn your language. If you want to practice that other language with them then make a deal about when you’re going to speak which language with each other. That way you’ll both get to practice your target language. So just ask them if they want to continue in that language, but don’t switch without asking. Again, some people will be more than comfortable in telling you which language they’d rather be speaking in, but others might not.
That’s all I can think of for now. Feel free to add your own advice
i just wanna know why when i walk past other women we both do the shoulder thing and politely n easily avoid smashing into each other but if i walk past a man they deadass stop and wait for me to move over