The Ultimate Jedi Who Wastes All the Other Jedi and Eats Their Bones
Stay true to the path young Jedi Cleave to the precepts you’re given Remember those who went before and cleared a way for you Let your deeds give hope and comfort to the living Let your deeds give hope and comfort to the living
Do your best in city or in swampland Peace over anger, honor over hate At the end of all your days one Jedi waits for you With the dust of Jedi bones piled high like parsnips on his plate With the dust of Jedi bones piled up like parsnips on his plate
Specifically just their bones All the soft parts you can keep “It’s the bones that have the calcium”, so he says The long feast will be filmed for mass consumption The cameras Rian’s got these days are unimaginably high-res
Despair not for the end that waits for you Fear not the fire in which your flesh must burn All the Jedi from all the planets in this putrid universe Get eaten by this last one and now it’s your turn They get eaten by this last one and now it’s your turn
Bones, bones, bones, bones, bones Bones, bones, bones, bones, bones The ultimate Jedi who wastes all the other Jedi has eaten up all their bones All their bones, bones, bones, bones, bones
“all right so I see that while I was doing a phone interview some of you noticed this already but you may remember on Friday I was joking around with @rianjohnson about his big Star Wars news, and the joke was "have you then rejected my song?” whose title, at that point just an of-the-moment joke, was “The Ultimate Jedi Who Wastes All the Other Jedi and Eats Their Bones.” @rianjohnson responded, right here on twitter dot com: PLEASE WRITE THIS. Who am I to turn down the guy who directed “Ozymandias”? Not me, not this guy. I set to work immediately. It is important that the world learn the truth of this Jedi. But where to host? I don’t know if y'all know this but a lot of people are into Star Wars. So I wrote to @rianjohnson, and I’m like, here’s the tune, right. and he’s like “Should I put it on my Soundcloud?” And I’m like “rest up, do that on Monday!” So here’s the song. Enjoy!“
The Ultimate Jedi Who Wastes All the Other Jedi and Eats Their Bones – The Mountain Goats
Speaking of political songs, I was joking around with Rian Johnson on
Twitter and I was saying how there’s an urgent need to speak out about
the many deeds of the ultimate Jedi who wastes all the other Jedi and
eats their bones. Rian agreed, and told me to get to work, that the
story must be told! So I wrote the song and recorded it with a little
help from my kids, who you’ll hear excitedly jumping in and out of the
room while I work. Enjoy!
The Jogos Nhai are a people of Essos who live east of the Bone Mountains on the plains of the Jogos Nhai, which lie north of Yi Ti and the Shrinking Sea. Jogos Nhai are a nomadic people who live in yurts, tents, and saddles and are described as squat, bowlegged, and swarthy, with large heads, small faces, and sallow-colored skin. Men and women both have pointed skulls, a result of the custom of binding the heads of their newborn during the first two years of life. To show off their skull modification men shave their heads but for a single strip of hair down the center of the skull, while women go wholly bald.
The Jogos Nhai live their lives on horseback, and have their own breed of horse which is crossed with zebras. They travel in small bands closely connected by blood. Each one is commanded by a jhat, or war chief, and a moonsinger, who combines the roles of priestess, healer, and judge. The jhat leads in war, battle, and raid, whereas other matters are ruled by the band’s moonsinger. There are also female jhats and male moonsingers, but girls who choose the warrior’s way are expected to dress and live as men, whereas boys who choose to become moonsingers must dress and live as women, making it difficult to tell apart when such cases take place.
Unlike the Dothraki khalasars, Jogos Nhai’s band do not make war upon one another, as their gods forbid them to shed the blood of their own people. Young men do ride out to steal goats, zorses, and dogs from other bands, while girls go forth to abduct husbands, but these are rituals hallowed by the gods, during which no blood may be shed. However, the Jogos Nhai do live in a perpetual state of warfare against all their neighboring peoples, and have had long wars and feuds with all their neighbours including a bloody border war with the Patrimony of Hyrkoon and a long an bloody war with Yi Ti.
The Jogos Nhai often raided into the empire of Yi Ti and many YiTish cities, towns, farms, and fields beyond count have been reduced to ruins and ashes. Over the years many Imperial generals and three God-Emperors have led armies to bring the nomads to heel but as soon as they return to Yi Ti the raids began anew, even when jhats were compelled to vow eternal fealty to the God-Emperor and foreswear raiding forever. During his long reign, forty-second scarlet emperor Lo Han led three such invasions of the plains, yet by the time of his death the Jogos Nhai carried out bolder and more rapacious raids than when he began his reign. His successor, Lo Bu determined to end the threat of the nomads for all time, assembled a mighty host, said to be three hundred thousand strong, and crossed the borders of the empire with slaughter as his only purpose. History tells a million Jogos Nhai died at their hands. Eventually the rival clans of Jogos Nhai unified under jhattar Zhea, a woman in man’s mail, who, in the period of two years isolated each of Lo Bu’s thirteen armies, slew their scouts and foragers, starved them, denied them water, led them into wastelands and traps, thus destroying each army one by one. Finally, her riders fell on Lo Bu’s own host and carried out a slaughter to terrible that every stream for twenty leagues around was choked in blood. Among the slain was Lo Bu himself, whose skull was stripped of flesh and dipped in gold, becoming Zhea’s drinking cup. Ever since, every jhattar of the Jogos Nhai has drunk fermented zorse milk from the gilded skull of the Boy Too Bold By Half, as Lo Bu is remembered.
“Lemon, there is a word, a once special word that’s been tragically co-opted by the romance industrial complex, and I would hate to use it here and have you think that I am suggesting any type of romantic sentiment, let alone an invitation to scale bone mountain. It’s a word that comes to us by way of the old high German “luba” from the Latin “lubera” meaning “to be pleasing.” So I’m going to use this word to describe how I feel about you in the way that our Anglo-Saxon forefathers would have used it in reference to say “hot bowl of bear meat” or “your enemy’s skull split”…”
mckirk: Jim loves to go hiking in the mountains and gets a small injury while slipping on some rocks and then meets Bones. And maybe Joanna is also there?
Jim goes hiking by himself a lot. Benefits of living in Los Angeles is that mountain treks are really not that far away. In a city that’s so bustling and busy, suddenly surrounding yourself with nature is just a great way to relax a little. It’s less relaxing when he trips and gets his foot stuck in the wired fence that’s keeping him from falling off a steep cliff. How he even manages to get his foot stuck like that is beyond him, but it hurts like hell and Jim’s bleeding. Not a great day.
He manages to pry himself free from that wire, but his leg is bleeding and he limps away, cursing loudly to himself until he hears a girl laugh. Briefly, he thinks that he’s hallucinating, or something, but then there’s a girl actually on the path in front of him. “Hey, little girl!” Jim starts, and the girl raises her eyebrows. “I’m not that little,” she replies, and Jim grunts. When her eyes catch on to his bleeding leg, though, rather than running away screaming, she approaches him instead. “Are you okay, old man?” “I’m not old- no, I’m bleeding,” Jim replies, and she reaches out for his arm. “Come with me, my dad can help you.”
Bones has a picnic table set out for Jo and himself when Joanna drags Jim there, and Bones is up in an instant. “Jo, what did I tell you about talking to strangers?” He warns her, but Joanna has none of it. “He needs a doctor, dad,” she replies, and when Bones looks down at his leg, he realizes she’s probably right. “What happened to you?” Bones asks, helping Jim sit down on the wooden bench. “I tripped,” Jim replies. “On what? Sharp rocks?” “Barbed wire,” Jim says, “I’ll be okay, I’ll just walk home, and-” “Nonsense,” Bones says, “let me take a look at you.”
Bones uses much of his water to clean up that wound from dirt and blood. “Do you carry a first aid kit with you?” Bones asks, and Jim frowns. “Of course not. Why would I?” “Because you’re hiking on the mountain, by yourself?” Bones says, pulling out a small kit from his own backpack, “it’s going to need stitches,” he says, “I can do that, but make sure you get it checked out by your own doctor once you’re back home, yeah?” “Sure,” Jim replies, glancing at Joanna, who’s right next to them, but rather than being squeamish about blood, she’s just casually eating her sandwich and playing a game on her father’s phone.
Bones stitches him up, which is very unpleasant and quite painful, but it’s definitely helpful. After being stitched up, Bones and Joanna share their sandwiches and a drink, and though his leg still hurts, Jim feels increasingly better. Jim wants to leave them on their way, but Bones insists to help Jim down to the parking lot. “Are you going to be okay from here?” “Yes,” Jim replies. “Make sure you visit your doctor,” Bones insists, and Jim nods. “Yes, yes. Thank you.”
It takes a month or so before Jim actually goes out there again. And it’s just his luck it rains and he slips over a wet rock and twists his ankle. What is truly his luck, though, is that mere seconds after he trips, someone is there to pull him right back up on his feet. “Bones,” Jim says, both confused and delighted at the same time, “what are you doing here?” “Putting you back up on your feet, apparently,” Bones replies, “are you okay?” “Just a mis-step,” Jim says, smiling lightly at the arm around his waist, even if it’s purely supportive. “C'mon,” Bones says, “Jo’s a little further up ahead. We’ll meet her and then I’ll drop you off at home, you clumsy idiot.”
They go hiking together, just the three of them, at least every other weekend. It’s a nice thing to look forward to, even more so because Jim’s not getting hurt when two other people are there with him. They have picnics overlooking the city from above. They take stupid family selfies near the Hollywood sign. They even spend a weekend in the woods up north. Nothing happens, though Jim really wants it to. He thinks about it, thinks about flirting, maybe does so subtly, but Joanna is around a lot and he’s not going to flirt in front of her. That’d be embarrassing.
They drop Joanna off at her mom’s place when they return, and then Bones drives Jim home, too. “Did you enjoy the weekend?” Jim asks, and Bones shrugs. “Reasonably so,” he replies, and Jim grins. “Wow, really? I wasn’t incredible company?” Bones laughs at that, gently patting Jim’s leg. “Very good company,” he replies, “but I hate hiking.” “What are you talking about?” Jim asks, turning to face him, “you’re always hiking.” “To spend time with Joanna. She loves hiking, and mountains, and nature and all that crap.” Jim laughs, too, reaching out to rest his hand over Bones’, and that definitely catches Bones’ interest. Jim feels Bones’ hand shift lightly, but rather than pulling his hand back, the other simply laces their fingers together. That’s enough of a cue for Jim to lean in and kiss him. He feels breathless instantly when Bones’ lips brush against his own, hot breath against his skin.
Bones is smiling much softer than usual when Jim pulls away. That’s a smile worth chasing. “So,” Jim says, “are you sure you hate hiking? You wouldn’t have met me.” “How do you even enjoy hiking?” Bones counters, “you keep falling!” Jim huffs at that, hand still very much holding on to Bones’. “For you, yes.”