Today I have been healing from embarrassment - the gut wrenching regret of an unflattering moment which I desperately want to relive and revise. I say “healing” loosely, since what I’ve really been doing is torturing myself all day by playing back the moment in my mind, picking apart the seconds and finding each individual flaw that led to this feeling. I’ve been making lists of ways I could have done things differently. I’ve pondered all the things “people might think” now. I’ve been eating my feelings, talking to friends, going through my day as normally as possible - all in an effort to NOT run and hide in the closet and never come out. 

But most people are never just embarrassed.They’re mortified.Perhaps we are not mortified initially, but after a day of self-torture mortification sets in naturally.

Luckily, the Muppets have really given me some perspective on this issue. Ever read this book?

I highly recommend it. With the assistance of Grover, I’ve come up with these four steps to overcoming embarrassment:

  1. We live in the present, not the past. All embarrassment comes from the past tense - “I did this… it sucked…. I wished I hadn’t.” But it’s over. It’s done. And we have no place to live in the past. We have to stay in the present.
  2. Acknowledge the consequences. Most truly embarrassing events have some kind of consequence that follows us into the present. Acknowledge it. Embrace it. Move on.
  3. Stop apologizing. For some reason I tend to think that if I apologize for my actions 10-15 times I will suddenly feel relieved of embarrassment. Wrong. I won’t feel better. In fact, I’ll probably feel worse. Apologizing just keeps the issue alive and moves it into the present which prevents the next step…..
  4. Forgive yourself. I want to vomit on myself for even suggesting it, as if it’s so fucking easy to do. People are terrible at forgiving themselves. In order to do it we have to separate ourselves from the issue and view it from a third party perspective. And who the fuck can do that? Not me. But I still know that forgiving myself is what will truly make me feel better.
I hate my phone

Managed to upload a photo to Facebook last night. WHILST IN MY POCKET. A photo for my weight loss diary no less. Of my bare stomach. Not an issue for some but I am mortified. I had a panic attack and was in hysterics at work when I realised. The shame. I’m going to get rid of this phone as soon as I can. Thinking of all the people that might have seen it. :( if you did, don’t worry, I’m as disgusted as you are. The fat will be gone soon.

My little stretched ears.

I’m currently at a 8g/3.2mm and have been for over four months. My goal was 2g, but I’m now leaning towards 0g.. I’m finding it close to impossible to get to 6g and I’ve tried many times now. I clean my ears daily, massage them with coconut oil (I know it’s not typical, but whatever) and I’ve been trying to be patient. I am now taping my plugs with the correct ptfe tape as I previously tried medical tape..bad idea! It irritated my lobes quite a lot. I’m really hoping that after taping for a couple weeks I can finally go bigger. I want pretty plugs meow.

do you know what I need

I need a clone trooper who got into music or art

like, we know for a fact there was wartime music during the clone wars but I know of no people who actually fought in it to make it

and clones, their whole motif is that they are a utility. they have a function and are born, trained, and die to fufill it and only it

art is a defiance of that motif

I need a clone trooper who smuggles a pad of flimsi and a stylus everywhere he goes, because he can’t requisition a datapad to draw on. because you’re not supposed to dwell on your surroundings much less put them down on flimsi.

and i need a clone trooper who learns to play space guitar and makes shitty space country war songs until they slowly bleed into protest of the massive loss of life, of being a product of industry

god just give me clones who got into the arts