34 weeks pregnant+some odd days and lord is stuff really mentally and physically crazy right now. I’ve stayed quite active my whole pregnancy with my job let alone being on my feet, and walking around as much as possible and just flat out staying busy. Yeah I get somewhat sore here and there but nothing severe, but now if I do just the smaller tasks like going to the grocery or cleaning, my body KILLS. I am not one to lay in bed all day but I am slowly getting to the point where I feel like I’m going to have to take it super easy. My back is in so much pain right now I want to cry. Also mentally there’s so much going on in my head right now I don’t even know what to do I wish there was an off button! I’m thinking about making sure that everything will be clean and tidy in the house before she comes, what to pack for the hospital, making sure the nursery is on point, do I indeed have enough clothes and blankets and rags, MY MIND IS BOGGLED. On top of that sometimes I’ll just be doing laundry and I’ll imagine myself having to stop and change a diaper. Or I’ll be getting out of my car and I imagine having to pull her out of the car seat. I’ll just be laying in bed and I’ll stare at her cradle'nswing and imagine her giggling in it. I’m blabbing but I’m just trying to get all this out because there’s just so many feelings and concerns and scares and excitement going through me !! I have a crazy supportive fiance but sometimes men don’t get it, a daddy isn’t about to give birth, and then sometimes talking to other people they want to pour all their opinions on you which is even more overwhelming. Anyways. Just wanted to vent. I am so happy and ready for this journey and hope that I will be the best mom I can be and that she will be a beautiful healthy happy being to this world. 

Since I’ve gotten pregnant, my one and only consistent craving has been jalapenos. Which tickles me because this little boy is due early April, and God willing he comes when he’s due, my lil nugget will be a fire element (Aries). He’s got such a strong spirit already. Today is my 21 week mark, which means I am officially more than half way to his due date. I can’t believe it! So excited to meet my little dude… In countless ways he has saved my life. He is my rock and he has not even seen the world yet. If it weren’t for this precious soul, I never would have been able to pick myself up from the heartbreak that’s ensued over the summer. I would have kept abusing medication and using substances to quell my emotions, I would still be unmotivated, directionless, and empty. But he has given me reason, and following my encounters with men over the past couple years (and past few months especially), I am sure he was given to me not only to restore my faith in men, but to restore my faith in the beauty and purpose of life and love. Mommy loves you Leland Phoenix


- Not single. Yet at least. He knows he messed up big time and claims he’s gonna fix all our problems, so we’ll see. It was a rough couple nights for me. I don’t want to lose him.

- Doctors appointment today. Everything’s looking good, I’m even measuring ahead! About a week I think, which is awesome for me because as long as my baby girl is healthy I don’t mind going into labor earlier than expected. Suppose I should get my hospital bag packed! We have just about all the essentials for her. All we really need now is more diapers, medical stuff (diaper rash cream, Motrin, whatever), a breast pump, a diaper bag, and some furniture for organizing. Plus the crib but we just have to wait for Jeff’s parents to bring it to us. Should probably get more toys, too. And a carseat cover. Otherwise everything else is just kind of stuff that would be nice to have but not really necessary. And Jeff’s mom already told me not to worry about anything because she’ll get whatever else is needed. God bless her. She’s been so amazing to us through out the whole pregnancy.

So it seems we’re gonna have to kick into to high gear and really prepare the house and ourselves for Rowan Quinci-Ella’s arrival! I’m so excited!

New Mama-To-Be

I’ll be 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow.

I don’t let myself think about it too much because I’ve had 2 miscarriages and have no children. I thought about the “a” word, but it’s a blessing that I’ve gotten this far and that little heartbeat… I fell in love with that heart beat. 

I don’t let myself feel too much either. It’s all very unnerving. Everything will change - either for the better or the worse. Sometimes I feel this is a mistake. Most of the time I just accept it and keep pushing towards a healthy lifestyle so I can be blessed with a healthy baby.

Time will tell.

But thus far, I’m beginning to be in love… all over again. And this time, not with a “man”.

Did I mention that I think it’s a girl?

I do.

Sorry my mirror is so streaky, but my bump grew a little today, as my fat storage has gone down. I starved for a couple weeks before I found out I was pregnant. I was stressed and it was all bad, so I stored a lot of fat for a while, but baby is finally catching up and I am looking normal again :)