motherfucking turtles

TURTLES SUCK AT TEAMWORK

GREAT SPIRIT WANTS TO MAKE SOME FANCY LAND, BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS JUST THIS DUMBSHIT WATER EVERYWHERE. BUT THERE’S NOWHERE TO PUT SOME LAND, BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS WATER AND YOU KNOW, GRAVITY AND ALL THAT.

ONE DAY GREAT SPIRIT SPOTS SOME FUCKING MASSIVE TURTLE SWIMMING IN THE WATER. THE TURTLE LOOKS KINDA EASY GOING AND NOT LIKELY TO OBJECT, SO GREAT SPIRIT BUILDS A FUCKING MASSIVE ISLAND ON ITS BACK. 

BEFORE ANIMAL PROTECTION SERVICES ARE CALLED, GREAT SPIRIT REALISES THAT THIS CRAPPY LITTLE ISLAND IS NOT ENOUGH, AND TELLS THE GIANT TURTLE TO GO FIND HIS TURTLE BROS.

IT TAKES FUCKING AGES BECAUSE THERE’S A FUCK-TONNE OF WATER AND NOT MANY GIANT TURTLES AROUND, BUT SOON HE ROUNDS UP 6 MORE TURTLES. GREAT SPIRIT ARRANGES THEM ALL SUPER NEATLY AND TELLS THEM ALL NOT TO FUCKING MOVE AS HE PILES LAND AND SHIT ON TOP OF THEM.

THIS IS ALL GREAT FOR A WHILE, AND THEY DON’T WIGGLE OR ANYTHING. BUT SOON THE FUCKERS ARGUE ABOUT WHICH WAY THEY WANT TO SWIM AND THE EARTH CRACKS APART A BIT. THEY SOON REFORM BECAUSE TEAM SPIRIT AND ALL THAT, BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN THE TURTLES WHO HOLD UP THE WORLD GET MAD AT EACH OTHER AND THAT’S WHY WE HAVE EARTHQUAKES, MOTHERFUCKERS.

anonymous asked:

Rudy Giuliani is tripping HARD but he definitely put his finger right on it tho. He says when Sharpton and De Blasio talk about Eric Garner and race, they're “tearing down respect for a criminal justice system that goes back to England in the 11th Century.” Haha that was a TERRIBLE FUCKING TIME. Fuck you, you near-sighted turtle motherfucker.

Yeah, racists always want to glorify the days when only white people had rights. Weird.