So I’m beebopin’ along writing porn, as you do, and I’m rereading my last sentence to make sure it adequately conveys what I want it to, and I’m struck again with that Vanessa Redgrave inner narration. Like, that is some florid shit, self, maybe don’t.
Sometimes it’s so much harder to write from a female POV. Girls are just too nice. Men are pigs. It’s so much easier to be a pig.
me: *takes a deep breath*
me: i lo-
anyone who has spent five seconds around me ever: yes, you love Rent, we know, you love Rent so much, it’s the light of your life, you love it so much, you just love Rent we KNOW , you love Rent you fucking love Rent ok we know, we get it, YOU LOVE RENT WE GET IT.
Hey Bley, I'm 16 and fat. Not morbidly obese,but thicker than most of the guys at my school. I've always been a little bigger,but I feel like I'm a fit dude trapped in my own body.I put up a strong front, but I'm insecure as fuck and I just feel like fuckin trash whenever I see everyone else in school cus theyre all better looking and more talented than me. I know I gotta go to the gym, since I eat right most of the time, but i just can't will myself to. I feel fuckin pathetic and stuck in limbo
My man. I’m right there with you. I got my gray hair at 14 & was heavy in high school - and let me tell you, a “Newt Gingrich look” isn’t the greatest look to have at literally the most emotionally vulnerable period of your life. BUT HEY, THAT’S WHAT MADE ME SO FUNNNNNNNNY *gunshot*
Let’s get the weight stuff out of the way first, because how you look on the outside is the least important thing here. Here is the solution: Eat better. That’s what it is. You actually don’t have to go to the gym - I mean, you should, because you should be healthy and it’s good for your heart and will stop you from getting sick as much and is something positive you can do to chase the ghosts away etc etc etc blah blah blah - BUT, if you just wanna be less thick, start looking at what you’re eating. I know you say you eat right most of the time, but be more picky about it. What I learned by losing 90lbs was that what you eat is everything. The gym will get you muscles, but really it’s all about what you’re putting in your body. And by the way, being constantly vigilant about what you’re eating is WAAAAAAAY harder than just ripping out a couple reps in the gym, so be nice to yourself about it and don’t get down on yourself if you slip here or there. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
Any long term lifestyle change (which is what you are doing) starts with education. I bought “Nutrition for Dummies”, which really helped, but honestly there’s a ton of great stuff on the web that’s all free that you can read about food and how to eat healthy. I like the Fitness Subreddit Wiki (for both eating help and working out help). It’s been eye opening and life changing. The tl;dr is just focus on eating lean meats and veggies and no pizza or pop or fast food or any of that bullshit. I’m happy to answer any more questions you have about what to eat, but I’d bet dollars to donuts that you already mostly know what’s healthy and what’s not. Cool? Cool. (Also, donuts: Not healthy).
If you can’t make it to the gym, but want to get more exercise, here’s a few tricks that I do that help: I work exercise into my daily routine. Do you drive yet? If so, park in the furtherest parking spot away you can every day. Even better: Can you walk to/from school? Always take the stairs, even when you don’t have to - sometimes I’ll have to go from one side of our office to the other, but I’ll walk up the stairs to the third floor, THEN walk across the office, then walk back down to where I’m tryin’ to go. These are all little things, but little things done consistently over a long period of time yield amazing results. Just ask those dudes who built the pyramids (aka “The aliens who visited our planet in ancient times through an interstellar portal that was explained in the documentary TV series StarGate”).
So. Weight stuff: Done.
Now here’s the bigger thing I want you to know: You are not “fuckin trash”.
(Actually, you’re not even “regular trash”.)
YOU’RE NOT ANY KIND OF TRASH AT ALL, DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK! You’re just a fucking insecure guy who is in high school, going through one of the very worst times of your life. That’s what high school is, by the way: One of the worst periods in your life. In EVERYBODY’S life. You feel insecure, sure - so does everyone else. No one - I repeat, NO ONE is having a ball in high school. They might look like they are, but they are not. 10000% not. Everyone, even the MOST RIPPED AND POPULAR MOTHERFUCKER AT YOUR SCHOOL is insecure. I guarantee you this. Dollars to carrot sticks. You are NOT trash or ANYTHING LIKE IT. You’re just a normal insecure guy. Like me.
Let’s talk about the other people you go to school with: Are they more talented than you? Maybe. Are they better looking? Possibly. BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK?!! That shit will never change. As I am writing this, I am currently sitting in an office surrounded by people who are better looking AND more talented than me. SURROUNDED. There will always be people like that (and there’s an argument to be made here that you should always surround yourself with people who are more talented than you, because it will make you better), but the fact that there are people in the world who are more attractive and more talented than you will never change. What WILL change, however - because you are going to change it - is this feeling that you’re not good enough. You are, man. You one hundred percent ARE good enough. You gotta be nice to yourself here.
I know it’s tough, but try to step outside your life for a minute and think of the fact that you are just beginning your life. There is so much more to go - it’s okay if you don’t have your shit together right now! You have plenty of time to discover where your natural talents are. You have plenty of time to discover that particular hair gel that has just the right amount of shine and hold to make your hair dope as fuck so the ladies (or dudes) come flockin’. I didn’t discover how to get my shit together until I WAS IN MY THIRTIES. THAT’S SUCH A LONG TIME. Look in the mirror and take a breath. It’s all going to work out. (And by the way, those people who are good looking now? They peaked too early and will look like shit when you get older - when it actually counts. Trust me on this. Everyone I know who looked cool in high school looks like garbage now. It’s hilarious and I actually enjoy it way more than I should.)
There’s a great commencement speech by this author David Foster Wallace. It’s called “This Is Water.” I love this speech, because he talks about something I wrestle with a lot - and something that you’re currently wrestling with - which is how to deal with the fact that a lot of life can be extremely shitty. His point is that Life is going to be whatever it is going to be; we don’t have any control over that. But what we DO have control over is how we choose to respond to it.
And that, friend, is everything.
If you can laugh at yourself when you make a mistake; if you can step outside yourself during a boring class and take solace in the fact that everyone else is as miserable and bored as you are; if you can choose to keep in your mind as you go through your day that everyone else you see walking around is at least as horribly insecure as you are, then you will have beaten the game of Life early on. You will have developed an important skill that will serve you well for the rest of your time walking this planet. Life isn’t something that happens TO us - it’s something that we are all in the middle of, participating in, every day - and we get to choose what we think about it and how we want to feel about it. We have that power. Once you realize that, and start living your life through the lens that you can control what you think and how you feel, nothing is impossible.
Also, seriously, high school fucking blows.
Hang tight, friend. It’ll all be over in a couple years.