motherfucking bats

THE HOUSE OF BATS: WORST HOTEL EVER

DURING THEIR SPORTS TRIP TO THE UNDERWORLD, THE HERO TWINS HUNAHPU AND XBALANQUE STAY THE NIGHT AT A PLACE CALLED THE HOUSE OF BATS. IT’S FULL OF MOTHERFUCKING BATS. DID YOU REALLY EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE? FUCK OFF.

THERE ARE SO MANY FUCKING BATS THAT THE TWINS CAN’T SLEEP. IT’S A REALLY SHIT NIGHT. OH, AND THE BATS KEEP TRYING TO EAT THEM. THIS PLACE IS NOT GETTING A GOOD REVIEW ON TRIPADVISOR LATER. FUCK NO.

IN THE END THE TWINS HIDE IN THEIR OWN BLOWGUNS TO GET AWAY FROM ALL THE FUCKING BATS. IT’S NOT COMFORTABLE, BUT IT MIGHT HELP THEM GET A BIT OF SLEEP. THEY’RE HAVING A SHIT TIME AND THEY’RE GETTING PRETTY FUCKING DESPERATE. 

LATER, HUNAHPU STICKS HISHEAD OUT OF HIS BLOWGUN TO SEE IF IT’S MORNING. IT’S NOT MORNING. IT’S SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE. CAMAZOTZ HAS ARRIVED. CAMAZOTZ IS THE GOD OF BATS AND DEATH AND MURDER AND ALSO CORN. HE LOOKS LIKE A GIANT MURDER-BAT WITH EXTRA ARMS AND KNIVES AND FUCKING MASSIVE FANGS. ALSO HE LIKES TO STEAL HEADS. HE GRABS HUNAHPU’S HEAD AND FUCKS OFF WITH IT INTO THE DISTANCE. HE LEAVES THE HEADLESS BODY BEHIND. CAMAZOTZ IS FUCKING SCARY.

caffeinatedchristian  asked:

Yes, I do agree bats are awesome. But only when they're outside. If you ever have the misfortune of having one trapped in your home, you may find that they are actually fuzz balls of terror.

OH MAN. OKAY. YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS BUT IT’S STORY TIME, BECAUSE I HAVE HAD NUMEROUS BAT ENCOUNTERS.

Story time: 

When I was sophomore in college I was dating a graduate student (he turned out to be clownshit crazy but this was early in the relationship so everything was dandy) who had his own place, so I spent a lot of time there because it was preferable to dealing with the weird roommates I got stuck with after coming home from study abroad. So one night we’re up in his room—he’s learning lines for a show and I’m reading, shocker—when all of a sudden a fucking BAT swoops into the room and starts flying around the ceiling fan.

Now the boyfriend—let’s call him Jonathan—has never even seen a motherfucking bat before because he’s from friggin’ Denver, where bats are not a thing. So he freaks the fuck out and grabs the blanket and yanks it over both of our heads, going, “OH MY GOD. WHAT DO WE DO?” And I’m just like, “Holy Christ you’re twenty-six years old, get a grip—it’s a BAT, not a demon,” and he says, “DON’T BATS HAVE RABIES?” And I’m just like okay, fair point, so don’t like grab it with your bare hands and it’ll be fine and then he gets this horrified look on his face and goes, “Oh my God. Petruchio.” (Yes, his cat was named Petruchio. There were a few cool things about him.)

So we fling the blanket off and sure enough the cat is sitting on the floor, watching this bat flying in huge dizzy circles around the ceiling fan, and he’s like half a second away from launching himself at it so I just yell, “GRAB THE CAT AND GO!” like it’s a Bond movie and a bomb’s about to go off or some shit. Jonathan like, dives off the bed, grabs Petruchio and runs out of the room with this hissing, pissed-off cat under his arm like a fucking football. I grope across the wall to turn the fan off because I’m like predicting it flying into the blades and there being like decapitated bat chunks all over the walls, and then I slip out and slam the door. 

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anonymous asked:

It's odd, because when I first began Inquisition, I thought Solas was kind 'eh' in the attractive department. His voice was nice, but that was really it. He seemed high-strung and he was bald and had little squinty eyes. But then I romanced him. Now I know better, and find him extremely attractive and good lord those cheekbones could cut through paper holy hell. What about you? Did you like Solas physically from the get-go, or did it take some time?

HA actually basically the exact same thing happened to me. I actually am into bald guys but I just thought he was very meh. I was like “he looks like a bat, his eyes are all squinty, whatever, where’s that chunk of man-meat Bull I keep hearing about.” 

But… Like… 

The more I played… The more he talked… the hotter he got. 

Now every other guy in history I’m like “meh whatever” and all I want is this squinty-eyed bald-headed bat-eared MOTHERFUCKER who has inexplicably become THE HOTTEST MAN IN EXISTENCE. Like, I could (and have) written THOUSANDS OF WORDS on how RIDICULOUSLY ATTRACTIVE I find him. That jawline! His shoulders! His eyes! So intense! The way they light up! He speaks whole volumes with his eyebrows alone! So expressive! I can’t! Handle! My! Shit! 

*ahem* 

So yeah that happened to me too

2 weeks

I’m so excited to craft my creative space and sculpt the energy of my new home. It’s a little dinky apartment that isn’t even a full studio, but I’m so excited because it’s mine. I get to decide what it is, what it represents, and what thoughts get to fly around its atmosphere. That’s such an exciting thought to me. For the first time in my life, I will be completely in charge of my space and I’m so excited for how that will affect me creatively. I’ve always been a blurred jumbled mess of ideas and scattered inspiration. I have a hard time focusing that energy into projects and creations outside of impulsively filmed and unscripted YouTube videos. But this year I’m going to challenge myself. That’s why I came out here. I came here to push the envelope and show the world what I’m capable of and what all this hard work in relative solitude has been for. I’m gonna have my nest, my base, my motherfucking Bat Cave, and I’m going to get shit done.

BESTIARY XXX: THE BAT

BATS ARE WEIRD-ASS BIRDS. BIOLOGICALLY. BEHAVIOURALLY THEY AREN’T ACTUALLY BIRDS. THEY’RE MOTHERFUCKING GRAPES.

THAT’S RIGHT. BATS ARE A SORT OF GRAPE. THEY HANG FROM TREES LIKE BUNCHES OF ADORABLE FUZZY GRAPES. IF ONE OF THE FUCKERS FALLS OUT OF THE TREE, ALL THE OTHERS FALL TOO. JUST LIKE A FUCKING BUNCH OF GRAPES.

BATS ARE THE ONLY BIRDS/GRAPES THAT HAVE LIVE BABIES INSTEAD OF LAYING EGGS. ALSO THEY CARRY THEIR FUCKING BABIES AROUND IN THEIR ARMS WHEN THEY FLY. NORMAL BIRDS DON’T DO WEIRD SHIT LIKE THAT. NEITHER DO NORMAL GRAPES.

anonymous asked:

But imagine if Rhys takes the entire Inner circle + Feyre's sisters to Ryta's before Nessian's mating bond snaps into place and before them actually confessing that they can't live without each other, and some Night Court lady starts flirting with our beloved bat. Nesta is not happy with the situation at all, like that's simply not acceptable, nobody can touch his chest or whatever, so she finds the most sinful dress ever (with some help from Mor of course) and steals all the spotlight :D

OHOHOH

ii think nesta would be so conflicted: on one hand oly seeing another woman touching him makes her see red and on the other her damned pride telling her that it isn’t her bussiness and she shouldn’t care, even if she does, she does all sorts of caring.

I think, that since the thing between them aren’t out in the open yet and they’d be drowning in unresolved sexual tension cassian would take the opportunity to be a little shit and flirt(harmless flirt because his brain is like NESTANESTANESTA) with everything that has a pulse because he wants a freaking reaction from nesta (the reaction is that when a woman touches his chest and he grins the glass in nesta’s hand shatters and everyone is like “r u ok” “I AM FINE I AM MORE THAN FINE WHY SHOULDN’T I BE FINE”) but she’s fuming. But we’re talking about evil mastermind nesta archeron and two can play this game.

I don’t think she’d go to Mor because shewants complete secrecy over this matter and she’s like talking to herself while she dresses “DOES HE WANT TO MAKE ME JELAOUS I’M NOT JELAOUS AH,HA,HA HE TRIED BUT I AM NOT BUT NOW HE’S GOING TO PAY AND I JUST DON’T LIKE IT WHEN OTHER PEOPLE TOUCH HIM BECAUSE HE IS A STUPID ILLYRIAN WITH STUPID HAIR AND STUPID FACE AND STUPID MUSCLES AND STUPID TATTOOS AND STUPID EVERYTHING”.

So i think she’ll be a bit uncomfortable at first cause the dress is barely a dress BUT REVENGE SHE IS DOING IT BECAUSE OF REVENGE THERE’S NO OTHER MOTIVE IS SHE JELAOUS OF CASSIAN AND SHE WANTS TO BE THE ONLY ONE TO TOUCH HIM NO WHAT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT OF COURSE NOT PFT.

But nesta goes at Rita’s with her chin high and her shoulders straight like she owns the fucking place and the world itself and it doen’t take much before heads start to turn in her direction and she smirks but the first person who touches her without her consent is going to get thrown out from the window.

Cassian, who thought he had the upper hand in this little game is speechless and a little breathless and  can’t take his eyes off of her(like half the males in the room) and doesn’t know what to do with himself and mor is like “cassian you’re not breathing” BUT HE’S BUSY WACTHING HER AND ALL THE MALES THAT ARE GIVING HER TOO INTERESTED GLANCES AND SHE HAS THAT FUCKING INFURIATING SMIRK AND HE’S GOING TO COMBUST he’s brain is an utter mess “what do i do? do i bring her a drink? I DON’T WANT TO BRING HER A DRINK i want to bring her home with me so bad oh my gods that dress i need to calm down before i start to scream BUT THAT DRESS AND HER IN GENERAL BUT HER IN THAT DRESS IN PARTICULAR”.

This is basically torture for him because HE HAS FEELINGS FOR THAT WOMAN like big and heart crashing feelings and he wants her in basically everyway possible so things dont go on too long because cassian is an impulsive bat motherfucker and he goes to her and he is willing his blood to go in the direction of his brain and not in other parts and he’s like MMH SO NICE DRESS and he’s trying so hard not to burst or to take her up in his arms and run off but she’s calm as you please, sipping her drink “oh thank you, you’re not the first to tell me that” AND HE’S SO INCREDIBLY RILED UP BY THAT he takes deep breaths and counts to 3 something like 100 times while nesta’s mind is I WON I WON I WON but cassian can read nesta archeron like it’s no biggie so he takes a step back “are you trying to make me jelaous, nesta?” she nearly chokes on her drink “what i don’t speak your language” AND SHE WANTS TO TURN AND HIDE WHY CAN’T SHE LIE TO HIM WHY WHY WHY but he’s near her in a second and grazes his hand on her back and all up her spine an her back is exposed thanks to the dress and her body, who is in her opinion a big massive traitor when it comes to him, leanes into the touch AND HE’S SO PLEASED BUT IT’S TIME FOR HIM TO KEEP HIS COOL BECAUSE HE FEELS LIKE THIS IS MAKE OR BREAK so he gets closer and says with a very low sex infused voice “if you’re trying or not, i am, i am jelaous, nesta” and it’s all breathy and she’s near and there’s her scent and he’s hard and he doesn’t want to play games, not with her so he says the truth to her, like he always do. And he knows she’s thinking about the ups and downs of EVERYTHING an he can feels his own heart beating furiously. “good” she says, “good”. 

He gives her his hand to take, giving her a choice to go with him, which he hopes with every inch of his being, or to stay here.

She takes his hand.