mother: anything

Edge of collapsing (personal)


First of all my apology for the nature of this post. I try to avoid personal posts for that reason that I wish to keep my blogs art related what people can enjoy. Unfortunately this year just really like a disaster and tragedy on my end not helping me to be that productive as I planned since January with good timetable to catch up on my back log and it just shoving to my direction more and more problems I by my human capacity start to have serious troubles to handle. 

Very few people aware I am taking therapist for the past 3 months to help with heavy depression which downed me and made me withdraw as much I could trying to get through it or solve it. 

Many things contributed to this stage. Heavy health issues in my family almost death close problems with my aunt and eye-sight loss threat with my father putting me middle of the family to pull everything together and keep things calm for each side. 

I never encountered this many computer problems like this year. My drawing tablet broke, my hard drive died with lot of data loss, my mother board died with 3 years of warranty in 1 year which can not be repaired then more then a month waiting to get a new one. I had other computer breaking issues and my only reason could keep my active files, that I use dropbox to store them in case things might happen. 

I know - everybody has their problems nobody exception and I hardly have right to complain knowing how many more people having their own problems even heavier then my own. I am sorry about that - but at this point I am just unable to process and just get through it. I was already lingering edge of suicide thoughts due of rl pressure and just on the time it was about to solve I had to discover that someone hacked my paypal account and within 3 days of time drained it empty and apparently as Paypal can’t detect third party activity they find my case closed without hope of refund. That was all I saved up for not only holidays but also for my family next to everything else. That is about 1400$ of balance I apparently can’t retrieve (friend theory they just used some program which copied my ip address which not even a new thing, several other people also suffer from this problem).

I am edge of collapsing as I just can’t handle this anymore - I can’t just lock it inside of myself or solve. Can’t make up, can’t fix - don’t find any help or support to save myself. 

I … turning to you people to help me. Give me anything I could walk on to solve somehow to.. do something.. I am out of ideas, I don’t know what to do. What can I do? How can I win justice? How you people can deal with things as this, how you people survive? What can I do to not collapse into this entirely and just keep my sanity.