Hate me if you want but I wanna talk about it. Or at least get this out.
From 2014 to 2016, I was emotionally and sexually involved with a man who is in a relationship. For the first 6 months, I was completely unaware of it. But after I found out, I didn’t end it. It fucked with me emotionally of course but nevertheless, I stayed. He was everything I wanted…. Correction, he is everything I want. He challenges me mentally. He teaches me. He tells me when I’m wrong. He lifts me when I’m down. He knows about my depression and does not treat me differently. We have intellectual conversations on a level that I’ve never had with someone I’ve been connected to. He reminds me of my dad. I see myself in him. I see myself with him. I love his ambition. I love his drive. I love being in his presence. Simply sitting near him gives me the greatest calm I’ve ever experienced. I’ve opened up to him emotionally more than any other person I’ve been involved with. He’s sweet. He’s beautiful. He’s everything.
And he’s engaged to be married…. I didn’t find out until nearly 6 months after…. (This doesn’t excuse what I did at all. I’m just saying it because it breaks my heart.)
Wtf have I done to myself?
I ended things at the beginning of the year because his fiance gave birth to his child. I was not about to be the person who could potentially tear a father away from his son. We have enough of that in our community. I could no longer contribute to the heartbreak and unhappiness of another black woman… I also did it for me. There’s no future in this. If I'ma be in pain emotionally, I’d rather be in pain on my own. I still feel guilty though. I made a decision to stay with a man that was not mine. I made the decision to reduce myself to something that I am not. I made the decision to hurt another black woman. I’ve been hurt that way before… Why tf would I want that to happen to someone else…..
Now I’m doing a LOT of self evaluation. Clearly something has gone awry in me that allowed me to participate in such a situation and I HAVE to correct it. I have to heal myself so that I don’t allow myself to be taken advantage of. So that I don’t give myself lower than what I deserve. So that I don’t treat myself lower than what I am worth. This was all me. And I’m learning that it’s not him I have to forgive. I have to forgive me. I have to stand up and decide not to walk in the footsteps my mother left before me. I’m going to create a new path. I’m going to walk in a direction no woman in my family has ever walked. I will no longer operate beneath who I am….
Mother’s day makes me sad. I miss my mother, who has been dead for 21 years. I’m about to go start cooking lunch for David’s mom and his step-sister. Sometimes I also get a little bit sad because I’ll never be a mom. (Mostly I am relieved about that, but it’s complicated.)
So if you’re having a sad day–you’re not alone. Be kind to yourself. Go for a nice walk. Eat a brownie or some strawberries or have a milkshake. (Can you put all those in a milkshake? I would not like it, but you prob could.) Watch a movie you like or that one episode of your fave show. One that makes you laugh if that’s what you need–or one that will make you cry and flush out some of the ouch.