mother to a prince

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I made a happy hardcore version of “Smiles and Tears” in case anyone wanted to cry and rave …

Fic Prompts: Folklore Friday

Once upon a time, in a land where farm lads went on remarkable adventures and therefore did very little farming, and the absurd had become absurdly commonplace, there was a queen with some very strange ideas about what princesses were like.

While the king was content to gently remind her that princesses were really not so very different from princes these days – hadn’t she seen their neighbor King Bjorn’s daughter Hilde leading their army against that dragon last summer? They had at least one of the commemorative paintings – and she was generally content to agree, there was one matter the queen could not be moved on:
A princess, she insisted, had to be able to feel a single pea in a bed, even through twenty mattresses.

“Mother,” the prince protested, “I hope you’re not suggesting that a princess must be fragile and sickly, or how else would she feel it?”

“I know what I’m about, son,” the queen answered, and that was that.

One stormy night, a bedraggled young woman arrives at the castle doors, claiming her entourage was still lost in the bog surrounding the castle. Admittedly the king had not planned location very well. The queen took one look at the strange princess and saw a familiar glint in her eyes.

Ah, she thought, Aware of her surroundings, more than most. We shall have to watch this one. And she resolved to give her the test of the mattresses.

“Do tell me, my dear,” the queen said sweetly as she bade her goodnight, “If aught is out of place.”

The door closed and the princess looked about. Her grandmother, a distant land’s queen, had insisted that she come to this country to learn from its rulers. It seemed her training had already begun. The princess looked about and began to make mental lists of every item she saw.
Aspiring assassins didn’t learn by being careless, after all.

Frozen is the first movie to show depressed charact-

Frozen is the first movie to be about an outcast-

Frozen is the first movie with magic-

Frozen is the first movie with a dysfunctional fam-

Frozen is the first to not have love at first sight-

Frozen is the first Disney movie to teach girls they don’t need to be saved by-

Frozen is the first movie where the princess isn’t only focused on marrying a prince-


Frozen is the first-

What we really need is an adaptation of the original 1740 The Beauty and the Beast

So were you aware that the The Beauty and the Beast story we all know is a heavily abridged and rewritten version of a much longer novella by Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve?  And that a lot of the plot holes existing in the current versions exist because the 1756 rewrite cut out the second half of the novella, which consisted entirely of the elaborate backstory that explains all the weird shit that happened before?  And that the elaborate backstory is presented in a way that’s kind of boring because the novel had only just been invented in 1740 and no one knew how they worked yet, but contains a bazillion awesome ideas that beg for a modern retelling?  And that you are probably not aware that the modern world needs this story like air but the modern world absolutely needs this story like air?  Allow me to explain:

The totally awesome elaborate backstory that explains Beauty and the Beast

  • Once upon a time there was a king, a queen, and their only son
  • But while the prince was still in his infancy, in a neat reversal of how these fairy tales usually go, the king tragically died, leaving his wife to act as Regent until their son reaches maturity
  • Unfortunately, the rulers of all the lands surrounding them go, “Hmm, the kingdom is ruled by a woman now, it must be weak, time for an invasion!”
  • And the Queen goes, “Well, if I let some general fight all these battles for me, he’ll totally amass enough fame and power to make a bid for the throne; if I want to protect my son’s crown, I have no choice but to take up arms and lead the troops myself!
  • (Btw, I want to stress that this woman is not Eowyn or Boudica and nothing in the way her story is presented suggests that she had any interest martial exploits before or in any way came to enjoy them during these battles.  This is a perfectly ordinary court lady who would much rather be embroidering altar covers for the royal chapel and playing with her child until necessity made her go, “Oh no, this sucks, I guess I have to become a Warrior Queen now” and she just happened to kick ass at it anyway.)
  • And the Queen totally kicked ass, but the whole “twice as good for half the credit” thing meant that no matter how many battles she won, potential enemies refused to take her and her army seriously until she had defeated them so no sooner would she fend off one invasion than another one would pop up on a different border.
  • So she spent the majority of her young son’s life away from the castle leading armies, but it was OK because she left him in the care of her two best friends, who just happen to be fairies!  This was an awesome idea because a) fairies have magic, and therefore are like the best people to protect the prince from any threats and b) fairies consider themselves to be so above humanity that the lowest fairy outranks the highest mortal, so they’d have no interest in taking a human throne.  Good thing they were both good fairies instead of one good and one evil one!
  • (Spoiler:  they were not both good fairies.)
  • So the two fairies basically take turns raising the prince until he’s old enough to rule.  And on the eve of his twenty-first birthday, the evil older one comes into the prince’s bedroom.
  • “So listen, kid.  You’re about to become king, your mother’s on her way home from the war to see you crowned, and I have a third piece of good news for you!  You see, I’ve actually been spending so much time here lately because Fairyland’s become a bit too hot to hold me for reasons totally not related to me being secretly evil.  And if I have to hang in the human world, I might as well reside in the upper echelons of it, so even though as a powerful fairy I completely eclipse your puny human status in a staggeringly unimaginable way, since you’re about to be king and since my premonition that I should stick this whole guardianship thing out because you would be hot one day has totally proved accurate (go me), I will graciously lower myself to allowing you to marry me.  Please feel free to grovel at my feet in gratitude.  (Btw, we can totally start the wedding night now, we’ll tell your mother about it when she arrives tomorrow.)”

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so i uh…. i made a voltron shrek au…

(part 2 here)

  • keith is galra and he lives alone in his galra habitat, everyone stays away from him bc they think he’ll eat them or whatever
  • meanwhile varkon (not zarkon, i’ll explain later) sends all the alteans/arusians to keith’s land
  • and keith is like what gives
  • so varkon is like if u can bring me this goreous prince lance from the highest room in the tallest tower ill give u ur swamp land back
  • and so keith and red (i honestly couldn’t think of anyone else to be donkey) go to rescue lance but guarding him is *gasp* the blue lion
  • anywho they end up getting lance out of there while keith is still like yeah yeah whatever im just trying to get my place back
  • and lance is like nono u must be my true love
  • and keith is still like noooononono i am a GALRA arent you scared of me??
  • TURNS OUT
  • LANCE WAS CURSED OR WHATEVER TO TURN GALRA AT NIGHT
  • blah blah blah keith crashes the wedding everyone’s friends, the red and blue lions get married and all is well
  • this whole thing basically came from one night at 2am when i was like…huh….. keith is a lot like shrek..

cast list under the cut:

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