The Presidents, as reviewed by a Drunk Person
George Washington: I’ve had some dreams I can’t describe in public about George Washington.
John Adams: Old, boring, grumpy, and probably knew what he was doing. UGH. Has a boring HBO special dedicated to him, which was watched solely by people like him.
Thomas Jefferson: President most likely to be related to Barack Obama. Wanted to be remembered for creating the most insufferably preppy school to exist outside of the Ivy Leagues because he sold out that hard.
James Madison: Old, boring, grumpy, AND an owl. Remembered for the Federalist Papers, a bunch of documents created to torture first year Poli Sci majors.
James Monroe: My boyfriend told me apparently he got his ass kicked by the English in the War of 1812. Or was it madison? I don’t know? What I do know if apparently during the war of 1812, they tried to take down DC but then Sharknado plus a tornado and a lightning storm wrecked the british because FREEDOM. Thank you history channel!
John Quincy Adams: SIDEBURNS?
Andrew FCUKIN Jackson: Both the creator and embodiment of the “Florida Man.” Was a REAL dick to indians. OG End the Fed type before Ron Paul. Much like 50 cent, he got shot 9 times and still was standing.
Martin Van Burien: Largely useless. Apparently is now on coins that can only be used on the metro. Subject of the most annoying Flo commercial ever produced , which is remarkable. HOW IS FLO FROM PROGRESSIVE STILL HAPPENING?
William Henry Harrison: A libertarian favorite in the sense that he did nothing in office and died of a cold 30 days later.
John Tyler: The bougiest thing about me (rpp admin #2) is that I’ve been to a party with his great great grandson. Spoiler alert: they are still rich.
James K Polk: Thanks to him, now we have tacos and margarita mondays! But also Arizona, which exists to make Alabama seem less racist.
Zachary Tyler: Died in a mysterious boating accident. *
(*Not true but don’t care)
Millard Fillmore: Known for accelerating the Civil War and being the Kansas of Presidents. Somewhat ironic considering he’s why Kansas nearly set Nebraska on fire. I am a proud member of his appreciation society.
James Buchanian: Our first FABUUUUULOUS president if you get my drift.
Abraham Lincoln: Odd looking giant with an unfortunate taste in musicial theatre. Basically your run of the mill beloved American tyrant. You can determine how much fried chicken someone consumes by their opinion on him.
Andrew Johnson: Tough to follow Beyonce when you’re Souja Boy
Ulysses S Grant: He has a fun name and that’s where the fun ends. Wins the Civil War by taking a poo on the American South (according to my southern friends). Mostly in over his head
Rutherford B. Hayes: uhhhh I had to google this one. I guess he supported the gold standard and hated racists so that’s cool.
James Garfield: He liked Lasagna.
Chester Arthur: another president I had to google. Much like every new york republican, he had a flair for interior design and left nothing in the history books.
Grover Cleveland: HE RODE A MOOSE THAT’S SO COOL. Wait…. that was teddy roosevelt. Okay, well apparently he was a “bourbon democrat” which I also enjoy bourbon. According to historians he was “tencious” (YOLO), brave, and didn’t really bother “Robber Barons.” (old timey code for corporations which is new timey code for “makin cheddar”)
Benjamin Harrison: The cheese and ham of the Grover Cleveland sandwich. Gave us Hawaii, one of the few legitimate succession movements left.
William McKinley: We’ve had a lot of owl presidents but he was our first inside job.
Theodora Roosevelt: FINALLY. One I don’t have to Google! Should have been the first president in GQ. Rode a moose. Enjoyed riding scary large animals as much as he loved signing executive orders. Thank you for Yellowstone. Is the reason why John McCain was allowed to legally run for President. (Panama, fun FACT.)
William Howard Taft: “WE’RE GUNNA NEED A BIGGER BATHTUB!”
Woodrow Wilson: The namesake for the high school Ted Bundy went to. He lead us into World War 1, that conflict everyone’s APUSH teacher ignored. Widely likable yet probably worse than FDR, another well regarded World War president.
Warren G Harding: Our nation’s first BRUH president. He was known for getting drunk, leaving work at 3pm, and gambling away the White House’s china. (I mean, who HASN’T?) His drunken nonsense lead to a TEENSY scandal where one of his bros stole like $64 million from the Veterans Adminstration. Naturally, he called that bro into the West Wing and choked him out because that’s how this dude rolled.
Calvin Coolidge: The most underrated conservative president of all time.
Herbert Hoover: So bad at economics, his name is associated with living in a tent by the river.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt: THIS GUY IS SERIOUSLY THE WORST. How is this guy allowed to throw people in concentration camps (minus the mass murder) and gets to be considered one of the best presidents of all time? Ugh, I can’t deal with FDR.
Harry Truman: Is the reason why we had Kim Jung il looking at Things.
Dwight D. Eisenhower: He provided America the most ignored warning since William Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar.
John F Kennedy: By far, our best looking President. Successfully navigated many crises that older men would have crumbled at. Member of the scariest, most Connecticuty political dynasty until the Bush-Walkers. He couldn’t handle Marilyn Monroe at her worst and then he died.
Lyndon B Johnson: There are too many obvious jokes here. Kind of a racist for being so pro-civil rights. It’s way too easy to accidentally call him “LGBT.”
Richard Nixon: “I MIGHT BE A CROOK.”
Gerald Ford: meh.
Jimmy Carter: Jimmy Carter is kind of like if your well meaning liberal neighbor who rides his bike to work became president.
Ronald Reagan: The last time Republicans respected an actor’s opinions on politics before Clint Eastwood talked to a chair.
George H.W. Bush: “READ MY LIPS: MAYBE SOME NEW TAXES”
Bill Clinton: Bill Clinton was the president you wanted to grab a beer (and maybe a few shots with) before George W. Bush was a thing.
George W. Bush: Iraq. Afghanistan. 9/11. Florida. A troubling and difficult presidency for a guy who just wanted to be baseball commissioner.
Barack Obama: Our first president in being African-American, a meme, and employing flying death robots.