morrissey kid

which Northern musician should YOU fight?

Noel Gallagher
Who wins? Noel
Are u serious?? Absolutely do not fight Noel Gallagher under any circumstances?? The man is 5′8″ but do nt be fooled he will d e s t r o y you

Johnny Marr
Who wins? Johnny
I mean sure, u look at those matchstick legs and think “I could take this punk!” YOU ARE WRONG. NO ONE CAN TAKE JOHNNY MARR. Also, consider this; if you fight Johnny Marr, I will fight you

Ian Curtis
Who wins? Nobody
Oh my gosh don’t??? don’t fight Ian what kind of monster are you??

Shaun Ryder and Bez
Who wins? They do
Yeah you should probably fight them I mean. Bez once lived in a cave in Morocco for two weeks and another time they kidnapped Johnny Marr so you won’t win but it’ll be a good laugh. Do it. Fight the Happy Mondays.

Peter Hook
Who wins? Hooky lbr here have you seen those arms
You should definitely fight Hook. You will lose but you should absolutely do it please get in at least one good punch to the face

Jarvis Cocker
Who wins? You
Have you seen Jarvis? He has a 29" waist, you could snap him like a twig and he won’t even fight back, he’d probably just swoon dramatically or throw a glass of wine at you

Lee Mavers
Who wins? Lee
Lee Mavers is the only man on earth that Noel Gallagher is afraid of. Avoid confrontation by asking him about how we have to harvest music in the cosmic net

Alex Turner
Who wins? You
Have you seen this nerd? I doubt he’s ever won a fight in his entire life. Easy pickings

Ian McCulloch
Who wins? You
What would posses you to fight Ian McCulloch who could be evil enough to hurt this child. Kiss him instead and you will emerge the winner

Mile Kane
Who wins? Miles
I dunno man Miles looks like the kind of guy who’d win a fight like this I mean. If you wanna go there I mean ok but you’re on your own and i’m not responsible for what happens

Bernard Sumner
Who wins? Nobody
Bernard Sumner has the least punchable face on the planet. Why would you do this to yourself, why would you force yourself to relive in perfect detail for the rest of your life the awful moment when you struck his perfect cherubic features. Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t fight Barney.

Liam Gallagher
Who wins? Liam. Why is this even a question
I would advise you to avoid fighting Liam if you possibly can, but I realise that it’s inevitable and inexorable. Someday you will have to fight him, and on that day you will lose. Just accept it, it’s easier

Stephen Morris
Who wins? Stephen
Stephen is the wild card here. Deceptively peaceful looking, you might think you can beat him but. The man collects TANKS. HE WILL RUN YOU OVER. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

The Hacienda

Who wins? No one remembers
DO IT. FIGHT EVERYONE IN THE HACIENDA. IT’LL BE AMAZING. NO ONE WILL REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED ANYWAY.

Gillian Gilbert
Who wins? Gillian
Don’t be ridiculous. Why would you even consider fighting Gillian she is perfect.

Mike Joyce and Andy Rourke
Who wins? You
Yeah you… you could probably beat Mike Joyce but. Do you want to? The same goes for Andy I mean. Don’t be an asshole man why would you do that

Ian Brown
Who wins? Ian
I mean you could fight Ian but?? why?? Where Angels play, etc etc. besides, Mani is terrifying, why would you risk Mani’s wrath. Look into those eyes and tell me you would fight Mani. That’s what I thought.

Morrissey
Who wins? Everybody
Please. Please fight Morrissey oh my gosh just do it please please fight him. You can’t lose, if you fight Morrissey it will be a win for humanity. Fight Morrissey. Fight Morrissey with everything you’ve got, and maybe someday, we will know peace.

Technikart’s interview complete translation

Here it is the complete translation of the interview from Technikart (March 2016), by Louis-Henri de la Rochefoucault 

Translation by @isayeunhae and @imthejoshinthepack

It was the last 10 January. Not completely awake, we get behind our computer. The news is there: Bowie is dead. Right away, reactions surge. “I was at the Diamond Dogs tour in 1974” quavers at the radio Philipe Manoeuvre devastated. On the web it’s the habitual compassion, narcissistic cheesy pasteboard, like we’re going to sit outside with our mp3 of the god David, resistance time’s has come, etc. An hour of condolences later, while we’re navigating between the calm emotions of savants and the silly hysteria of those late fans who should follow an analysis, another news appears: “Bad Habits”, the new single of the Last Shadow Puppets, has just been released online. Docile, we go listen to that. Not bad at all. Good guitar.
Except, because of the unfortunate collision of the two events, the first one crushing the other with a thumb, a worry rise inside of us: what’s the weight of “Bad Habits” against, let’s say “Ashes to Ashes”? Is 2016 rock production only a dust promised to return to dust? And, more extensively, with Lemmy and Bowie deaths, are we entering a cycle where we’re going to see die, one by one, old icons without any star younger than forty having shoulders to take over the emptied thrones? Using other words, “Is cathedral’s time over?” as Bruno Pelletier would say?
It’s with those questions in mind that we listened to “Everything You’ve Come to Expect” by the Last Shadow Puppets, duo formed by Miles Kane and Alex Turner, leader of the Arctic Monkeys. This Turner is interesting. If we’re not always fascinated by his music, we have to recognize that he drive his car pretty well artistically. With his average look, he personifies perfectly this “Mister Every Man” that rockers became.   Although he doesn’t seem like it, this humble guy who has a lot of success till the USA, has a very big status in the UK, collecting at every move NME’s praises in a country where nothing happened for at least ten years. This deserved a meeting, just to deny the nastiness Noel Gallagher said: “I’d rather drink petrol straight from the nozzle than listen to Alex Turner

The said day, we go to the “Bain Douches”, where Kane and Turner went to promote their album. Their agent make us sit in the bar part of the hotel. Ten minutes later the friends come in. First impression? Pelletier is right. Neither of them is taller than Prince. Even hair dressed like Eddie Cochran and wearing a leather jacket with sunglasses, Turner has a hard time scaring anyone. He shakes my hand flabbily, orders a Coke and takes place on the couch. Next to Turner around the low table, our knees are touching. I notice he smells alcohol. Plastered last night? No answer. Before saying anything, Turner and Kane start singsong old hits, including “Anna (Go to Him)” by the Beatles. After two long minutes, Turner stops: “You aren’t intimidated by our crap? You don’t want to swipe me?” No, Alex, I’m not intimidated at all by your childish pranks. Him, disappointed “Oh, well, then go with your questions mate…

Turner is known for being quiet, and he’s a bit slow on the uptake. But before we annoy him some more, let’s go over his career path. He was born in the suburbs of Sheffield, only child of high school teacher parents who brought him up on a diet of jazz and Beatles, of Sinatra, Bowie and Led Zeppelin. A child of rock. Being nonchalant, he didn’t make efforts in school until The Strokes’ Is This It woke him up in 2001 :  “When this record came out, I spent at least one month listening to it on a loop. I’d invite friends over, we’d push the furniture back and we’d roll on the carpet with the music blaring”. On the next Christmas, he got a guitar and directly made a band with a childhood friend and two other rascals. Arctic Monkeys start playing in bars and recording demos.

The rumors got bigger, they signed a contract with Domino, and Whatever People Say I am, That’s What I’m Not came out in January of 2006. It was crazy: on the first week, 363 735 copies are sold in England. An historic record. In total, 1,5 millions of copies were sold in Queen Elizabeth II’s kingdom. Despite this phenomenal success, Turner was still a thingummy : he was shy, didn’t overshadow 70s Bowie in the least style-wise, dressed like your ordinary middle school nephew, had persistent acne on his face, didn’t commit any viral statement like Morrissey. The kid is talented though, the 2006-2007 era prove it : he has a sense of hits (« I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor »), sensitive lyrics (« When The Sun Goes Down », « Despair in the Departure Lounge »), inspired melodies (« Mardy Bum », « Fluorescent Adolescent », « A Certain Romance »), Alex is very much like the next big thing.

In 2008, he confirmed it by creating The Last Shadow Puppets with Kane : inspired by Scott Walker and John Barry’s OSTs for James Bond, with a lot of chords, very british, the album rocks. Will Turner be the bigwig of his generation ? The problem is: his eternal young appearance seems to relegate him to the rank of Ringo Starr’s son instead of the next Lennon. Obstinate, Alex still went to Los Angeles, where he recorded three more Arctic Monkeys albums. The sound was heavier, he befriended Josh Homme, let his hair grow before opting for a slicked quiff. So as to become a true rocker, the former spotty kid started dating models, first Alexa Chung then Taylor Bagley. Pictures of the pair are embarrassing : she’s two heads taller than him. The kid ends up being thirty and coming back eight years later with a new Last Shadow Puppets album, which is the reason of our interview.

While we’re interrogating him about past icons compared to present star, Alex only grumbles he doesn’t have one. We try other questions. At first, he was a little brother of the White Stripes, of the Strokes and the Libertines. Nobody took the power. Considered kitsch, Casablanca is let down by his public a bit more. Regarding Jack White and Doherty, they never tried to move the thing, going retro faster than our grandmas. How does he see them? “Err… I changed but I still love “Is This It” and the first Libertines”. Is superior Amy Winehouse’s aura only due to her death? “Err… She was an amazing singer, it’s too bad she couldn’t make more album”. What does he have to say about Noel Gallagher saying his “cat was more rock’n’roll than him”? “Err… Who gives a fuck?”
Baby-boomers succeeded at bringing their conscript in the Pantheon, real heroes but lots of fake values (the goat Patti Smith). Their old glory rehashed endlessly in more and more hagiographic terms suffocates young ones. Adding Rock is now a culture classed like Jazz, a tired kind. Dematerialization of music, immediate access to everything, and continuous mocking chat on social media that harm the phantasmagoria, finish to sabot Turner’s like rockers.
At David Bowie’s death, the best necrology we read was from Nicolas Ungemuth. Tell us Nicolas, the game is up for icons? “I’m not sure about the term “Icon”, but Bowie created an identification phenomenon almost obsessive among his fans, and he was the first. By his constant renewal of his image (make up, haircut etc.), and the courage of his musical journey (“Low”, then “Station to Station” which was after “Young Americans”, it had never been see at the time), he really marked the minds. We’re surprised when we read critics and articles of reporter from the late 60’s and early 70’s, to note that some of the album that are now legends were rightly criticized. As stars weren’t already canonized, critics were still wise. Today, people will explain to you that “Diamond Dogs” is a masterpiece, which is wrong, naturally. But then, music doesn’t have the same importance in everyday life of the people now, compared to people from the 1967 or 1977. Bowie’s era is gone: we live in a world where Kanye West and Daft Punk seem to be genius. It’s quite revealing.

We’re back to Turner. He explains to me that his public doesn’t harass him: “I live in Los Angeles now, and as I’m only 1,70m and crumbles tall, people don’t recognize me – they don’t see me I can walk around quietly.” Anonymous star, he doesn’t write mythological stories about himself, but, on the web, fanfictions about the pair he forms with Miles Kane are dedicated to him: “I’ve been told about it… Stories where we slip into one another. Does One Direction have that? And who fucks who? They fuck all at once? And they don’t want to write stories where we fuck the One Direction? Like Cadbury who puts in the same packets Dairy Milk and Ritz crackers?” An orgy between biscuits, we have known more iconic. It is as our time goes, putting everything into one pot, and where it’s difficult to emerge. Alex looks weary and resigned. We won’t bother him any longer.
This article comes to an end, maybe you should better have gone to the nearest gas station and drink petrol.