Noel Gallagher Who wins? Noel Are u serious?? Absolutely do not fight Noel Gallagher under any circumstances?? The man is 5′8″ but do nt be fooled he will d e s t r o y you
Johnny Marr Who wins? Johnny I mean sure, u look at those matchstick legs and think “I could take this punk!” YOU ARE WRONG. NO ONE CAN TAKE JOHNNY MARR. Also, consider this; if you fight Johnny Marr, I will fight you
Ian Curtis Who wins? Nobody Oh my gosh don’t??? don’t fight Ian what kind of monster are you??
Shaun Ryder and Bez Who wins? They do Yeah you should probably fight them I mean. Bez once lived in a cave in Morocco for two weeks and another time they kidnapped Johnny Marr so you won’t win but it’ll be a good laugh. Do it. Fight the Happy Mondays.
Peter Hook Who wins? Hooky lbr here have you seen those arms You should definitely fight Hook. You will lose but you should absolutely do it please get in at least one good punch to the face
Jarvis Cocker Who wins? You Have you seen Jarvis? He has a 29" waist, you could snap him like a twig and he won’t even fight back, he’d probably just swoon dramatically or throw a glass of wine at you
Lee Mavers Who wins? Lee Lee Mavers is the only man on earth that Noel Gallagher is afraid of. Avoid confrontation by asking him about how we have to harvest music in the cosmic net
Alex Turner Who wins? You Have you seen this nerd? I doubt he’s ever won a fight in his entire life. Easy pickings
Ian McCulloch Who wins? You What would posses you to fight Ian McCulloch who could be evil enough to hurt this child. Kiss him instead and you will emerge the winner
Mile Kane Who wins? Miles I dunno man Miles looks like the kind of guy who’d win a fight like this I mean. If you wanna go there I mean ok but you’re on your own and i’m not responsible for what happens
Bernard Sumner Who wins? Nobody Bernard Sumner has the least punchable face on the planet. Why would you do this to yourself, why would you force yourself to relive in perfect detail for the rest of your life the awful moment when you struck his perfect cherubic features. Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t fight Barney.
Liam Gallagher Who wins? Liam. Why is this even a question I would advise you to avoid fighting Liam if you possibly can, but I realise that it’s inevitable and inexorable. Someday you will have to fight him, and on that day you will lose. Just accept it, it’s easier
Stephen Morris Who wins? Stephen Stephen is the wild card here. Deceptively peaceful looking, you might think you can beat him but. The man collects TANKS. HE WILL RUN YOU OVER. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.
Who wins? No one remembers DO IT. FIGHT EVERYONE IN THE HACIENDA. IT’LL BE AMAZING. NO ONE WILL REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED ANYWAY.
Gillian Gilbert Who wins? Gillian Don’t be ridiculous. Why would you even consider fighting Gillian she is perfect.
Mike Joyce and Andy Rourke Who wins? You Yeah you… you could probably beat Mike Joyce but. Do you want to? The same goes for Andy I mean. Don’t be an asshole man why would you do that
Ian Brown Who wins? Ian I mean you could fight Ian but?? why?? Where Angels play, etc etc. besides, Mani is terrifying, why would you risk Mani’s wrath. Look into those eyes and tell me you would fight Mani. That’s what I thought.
Morrissey Who wins? Everybody Please. Please fight Morrissey oh my gosh just do it please please fight him. You can’t lose, if you fight Morrissey it will be a win for humanity. Fight Morrissey. Fight Morrissey with everything you’ve got, and maybe someday, we will know peace.
It was the
last 10 January. Not completely awake, we get behind our computer. The news is
there: Bowie is dead. Right away, reactions surge. “I was at the Diamond Dogs tour in 1974” quavers at the radio
Philipe Manoeuvre devastated. On the web it’s the habitual compassion, narcissistic
cheesy pasteboard, like we’re going to sit outside with our mp3 of the god
David, resistance time’s has come, etc. An hour of condolences later, while
we’re navigating between the calm emotions of savants and the silly hysteria of
those late fans who should follow an analysis, another news appears: “Bad
Habits”, the new single of the Last Shadow Puppets, has just been released
online. Docile, we go listen to that. Not bad at all. Good guitar.
Except, because of the unfortunate collision of the two events, the first one
crushing the other with a thumb, a worry rise inside of us: what’s the weight
of “Bad Habits” against, let’s say “Ashes to Ashes”? Is 2016 rock production
only a dust promised to return to dust? And, more extensively, with Lemmy and
Bowie deaths, are we entering a cycle where we’re going to see die, one by one,
old icons without any star younger than forty having shoulders to take over the
emptied thrones? Using other words, “Is
cathedral’s time over?” as Bruno Pelletier would say?
It’s with those questions in mind that we listened to “Everything You’ve Come
to Expect” by the Last Shadow Puppets, duo formed by Miles Kane and Alex
Turner, leader of the Arctic Monkeys. This Turner is interesting. If we’re not
always fascinated by his music, we have to recognize that he drive his car
pretty well artistically. With his average look, he personifies perfectly this
“Mister Every Man” that rockers became. Although he doesn’t seem like it, this humble
guy who has a lot of success till the USA, has a very big status in the UK,
collecting at every move NME’s praises in a country where nothing happened for
at least ten years. This deserved a meeting, just to deny the nastiness Noel
Gallagher said: “I’d rather drink petrol
straight from the nozzle than listen to Alex Turner”
day, we go to the “Bain Douches”, where Kane and Turner went to promote their
album. Their agent make us sit in the bar part of the hotel. Ten minutes later
the friends come in. First impression? Pelletier is right. Neither of them is
taller than Prince. Even hair dressed like Eddie Cochran and wearing a leather
jacket with sunglasses, Turner has a hard time scaring anyone. He shakes my
hand flabbily, orders a Coke and takes place on the couch. Next to Turner
around the low table, our knees are touching. I notice he smells alcohol.
Plastered last night? No answer. Before saying anything, Turner and Kane start
singsong old hits, including “Anna (Go to Him)” by the Beatles. After two long
minutes, Turner stops: “You aren’t
intimidated by our crap? You don’t want to swipe me?” No, Alex, I’m not
intimidated at all by your childish pranks. Him, disappointed “Oh, well, then go with your questions mate…”
Turner is known for being quiet, and he’s a
bit slow on the uptake. But before we annoy him some more, let’s go over his
career path. He was born in the suburbs of Sheffield, only child of high school
teacher parents who brought him up on a diet of jazz and Beatles, of Sinatra,
Bowie and Led Zeppelin. A child of rock. Being nonchalant, he didn’t make
efforts in school until The Strokes’ Is This It woke him up in
2001 : “When this record
came out, I spent at least one month listening to it on a loop. I’d invite
friends over, we’d push the furniture back and we’d roll on the carpet with the
music blaring”. On the next Christmas, he got a guitar and directly
made a band with a childhood friend and two other rascals. Arctic Monkeys start
playing in bars and recording demos.
The rumors got bigger, they signed a
contract with Domino, and Whatever People Say I am, That’s What I’m Not came
out in January of 2006. It was crazy: on the first week, 363 735 copies are
sold in England. An historic record. In total, 1,5 millions of copies were sold
in Queen Elizabeth II’s kingdom. Despite this phenomenal success, Turner was
still a thingummy : he was shy, didn’t overshadow 70s Bowie in the least
style-wise, dressed like your ordinary middle school nephew, had persistent
acne on his face, didn’t commit any viral statement like Morrissey. The kid is
talented though, the 2006-2007 era prove it : he has a sense of hits
(« I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor »), sensitive lyrics
(« When The Sun Goes Down », « Despair in the Departure Lounge »),
inspired melodies (« Mardy Bum », « Fluorescent
Adolescent », « A Certain Romance »), Alex is very much like the
next big thing.
In 2008, he confirmed it by creating The
Last Shadow Puppets with Kane : inspired by Scott Walker and John Barry’s
OSTs for James Bond, with a lot of chords, very british, the album rocks. Will
Turner be the bigwig of his generation ? The problem is: his eternal young
appearance seems to relegate him to the rank of Ringo Starr’s son instead of
the next Lennon. Obstinate, Alex still went to Los Angeles, where he recorded
three more Arctic Monkeys albums. The sound was heavier, he befriended Josh
Homme, let his hair grow before opting for a slicked quiff. So as to become a
true rocker, the former spotty kid started dating models, first Alexa Chung
then Taylor Bagley. Pictures of the pair are embarrassing : she’s two
heads taller than him. The kid ends up being thirty and coming back eight years
later with a new Last Shadow Puppets album, which is the reason of our interview.
interrogating him about past icons compared to present star, Alex only grumbles
he doesn’t have one. We try other questions. At first, he was a little brother
of the White Stripes, of the Strokes and the Libertines. Nobody took the power.
Considered kitsch, Casablanca is let down by his public a bit more. Regarding
Jack White and Doherty, they never tried to move the thing, going retro faster
than our grandmas. How does he see them? “Err…
I changed but I still love “Is This It” and the first Libertines”. Is
superior Amy Winehouse’s aura only due to her death? “Err… She was an amazing singer, it’s too bad she couldn’t make more
album”. What does he have to say about Noel Gallagher saying his “cat was more rock’n’roll than him”?
“Err… Who gives a fuck?”
Baby-boomers succeeded at bringing their conscript in the Pantheon, real heroes
but lots of fake values (the goat Patti Smith). Their old glory rehashed
endlessly in more and more hagiographic terms suffocates young ones. Adding
Rock is now a culture classed like Jazz, a tired kind. Dematerialization of
music, immediate access to everything, and continuous mocking chat on social
media that harm the phantasmagoria, finish to sabot Turner’s like rockers.
At David Bowie’s death, the best necrology we read was from Nicolas Ungemuth.
Tell us Nicolas, the game is up for icons? “I’m
not sure about the term “Icon”, but Bowie created an identification phenomenon
almost obsessive among his fans, and he was the first. By his constant renewal
of his image (make up, haircut etc.), and the courage of his musical journey
(“Low”, then “Station to Station” which was after “Young Americans”, it had
never been see at the time), he really marked the minds. We’re surprised when
we read critics and articles of reporter from the late 60’s and early 70’s, to
note that some of the album that are now legends were rightly criticized. As
stars weren’t already canonized, critics were still wise. Today, people will
explain to you that “Diamond Dogs” is a masterpiece, which is wrong, naturally.
But then, music doesn’t have the same importance in everyday life of the people
now, compared to people from the 1967 or 1977. Bowie’s era is gone: we live in
a world where Kanye West and Daft Punk seem to be genius. It’s quite revealing.”
to Turner. He explains to me that his public doesn’t harass him: “I live in Los Angeles now, and as I’m only
1,70m and crumbles tall, people don’t recognize me – they don’t see me I can
walk around quietly.” Anonymous star, he doesn’t write mythological stories
about himself, but, on the web, fanfictions about the pair he forms with Miles
Kane are dedicated to him: “I’ve been
told about it… Stories where we slip into one another. Does One Direction have
that? And who fucks who? They fuck all at once? And they don’t want to write
stories where we fuck the One Direction? Like Cadbury who puts in the same
packets Dairy Milk and Ritz crackers?” An orgy between biscuits, we have
known more iconic. It is as our time goes, putting everything into one pot, and
where it’s difficult to emerge. Alex looks weary and resigned. We won’t bother
him any longer.
This article comes to an end, maybe you should better have gone to the nearest gas
station and drink petrol.