Aries: The stars say you are lost. That’s okay! Most people are.
Taurus: it’s surprising how much happiness a little fried dough can bring us. Shame it dosen’t work that way for people.
Gemini: Cause a scene at your local McDonalds and then cause a second scene by apologizing dramatically. You’ll feel better.
Cancer: The stars show me you. You lie there, face illuminated by a rectangle of dull light. Get some rest. You need it.
Leo: We can only hate what we see in ourselves. Consider that you may be full of mosquitoes.
Virgo: The stars speak of you in hushed whispers so I can’t hear, but generally they sound encouraging.
Libra: The indecision you feel can be alleviated by eating an entire sleeve of fig newtons while staring at your kitchen wall.
Scorpio: Pallid, grey things stalk just outside your vision, feeding on all the things youve forgotten.
Saggatarius: Nothing that beckons has ever turned out to be good. Good things dont need to beckon.
Capricorn: They blog about you.
Aquarius: Show your contempt for the concept of money by beating a cop with another cop.
Pisces: Come now, you’re more clever than meta-humor. Or perhaps you just don’t know yourself too well? Something to think about, regardless.