more like twist and rip my heart out

Torment Anew Part II

Title: Torment Anew Part II

Athlete: Tyler Seguin

Word Count: 2,123

Author Note:  Please Read Part I before continuing on with this story

Your name: submit What is this?

Sighing lightly you tapped your credit card on the bar once again.  The bartender had blatantly ignored you for ten minutes now, choosing to attend to those around you instead.  It was your round to buy and the task was taking much longer than necessary.

Looking around the crowded bar you nodded to your girlfriends showing you were still attempting to acquire the drinks.  They all waved back to you before continuing their conversation.  Suddenly a drink was placed in front of you.  Turning to decline the drink you lost all train of thought from the site.  “Never thought I’d see you out in that dress again.” Tyler stated pointing to the short black dress you had on.

The reply was on the tip of your tongue but that was glued to the roof of your mouth to keep your jaw from dropping.  What was he doing here?  It was so far out of range from his normal hangouts you were stunned.  “It’s been a while hasn’t it.” He continued, acting as though you were friends, how dare he.

“What do you want Tyler?” That was strong; you would give yourself a pat on the back when this was over.

“I saw you and wanted to say hello.  Back to my original statement, I thought you hated that dress, why are you wearing it?” You could feel the burn in his gaze as he looked you up and down.  Once upon a time it was the best feeling, knowing you were the center of his attention.  Now, you just wanted to get away from him.

“I never said I hated it, it’s just a little short for my taste.” You answered, looking to see where the bartender was currently located.

You could feel Tyler step closer to your side, so you pushed closer to the bar.  He didn’t need to be in your personal space.  “One of the best nights of our relationship wasn’t it Y/N?” He said as he placed his back against the bar making sure he remained in your line of vision.

The black dress laid out across your bed was beautiful, completely different style from your normal purchases, but beautiful none the less.

“Do you like it?  I thought of you when I walked past it a few weeks ago, couldn’t resist picking it up.  Perfect for tonight isn’t it?” Tyler said pressing himself against your back while wrapping his arms around you.

“You don’t think it’s a little much?” You asked sliding your finger across the soft fabric.

“Nope, it’s exactly what I want you to wear.  Go get ready; we need to leave in an hour to make our reservations.” Tyler directed you, pressing a kiss to your temple before pushing you in the direction of the bathroom.

Looking in the mirror your main thought was the dress was a little short for you.  If you kept aware of it and pulled it down throughout the night you should be fine you thought.  “Amazing.” Tyler said from behind you.

“Shut up.” You turned to look at him.  His dark suit and tie made him look even more handsome.  You leaned onto your toes to press a kiss to his cheek.  He took the opportunity to place his hands on the back of your neck to deepen the kiss.

The two of you stood outside the restaurant staring at the patrons inside.  This was without a doubt not a place for you.  “Is there anyone under 65 in there?” Tyler asked, smirk doing little to hide his amusement.

“You made the reservations, you tell me.” You answered him watching a couple wander inside.

“I just googled for a fancy restaurant, didn’t realize I was in the senior section.” Tyler laughed out grabbing your hand and pulling you back towards the car.

“Best first anniversary celebration ever.” You smiled and leaned into Tyler’s shoulder.  The blanket in the backyard, bottle of wine and tacos were absolutely improvised, but you couldn’t think of anything better.

“Happy Anniversary Y/N” Tyler said wrapping you up in his arms.

You stepped away from the bar and Tyler’s overpowering ability to make you flustered whenever he felt like it.  You just needed to step out of his realm of power.  “Four months of no contact after you ended our relationship with little emotion and now you can come up and speak with me like we are buds?” You questioned him, making sure he knew where he stood in your life.

“I believe you were the one to enter my life again first, showing up at one of my games, with another man no less, what about that Y/N.” Tyler said, stepping back up to you.  This was not going to become an argument, you refused.

“I didn’t know he was going to take me to a Stars game until he showed up.  I wouldn’t have come otherwise.” It was the truth that night had been one of the most stressful situations you had ever experienced.

“What kind of guy takes a girl to see her ex-boyfriend at his job?” Tyler asked, the look on his face making your insides twist a little.

“He doesn’t know you’re my ex.  We’ve only been dating a little while; I haven’t gone into depth about my last relationship.” You answered, might as well tell him the truth.

“Well, that’s going to be a shock to his system.” His laughter felt like a smack in the face.

“Probably not, I’ve told him about how my last relationship ended by the guy ripping my heart out and stomping on it with no warning whatsoever.” You responded.  There was no more playing nice; he wasn’t going to belittle you.

“That’s not fair Y/N!  I was looking out for you.” Tyler stated, his voice showing his agitation.

“I’m just doing what you told me to do Tyler, moving on with someone else who cares!” You yelled taking a step closer to him.

“He looked like he was the one for you Y/N; does he even know how to have fun?  He was wearing a polo shirt to a hockey game.” Tyler said mockingly.

“Leave Marcus out of this Tyler!” You responded, you couldn’t remember the last time you were this worked up.

“His name is Marcus, befitting for an old man.  He looks like he’s quite a bit older than you.” Tyler was now mere inches from you.  You weren’t sure if you wanted to punch his dumb face or kiss it and that only made you angrier.

“My relationship is none of your business Tyler.” Tonight was supposed to be fun, now you were regretting even going out.

The two of you must have been making a commotion because the next thing you knew Jamie was pulling you away from Tyler while Val stood in front of him to keep him in place.  “Leave me alone Jamie.” You yelled wrenching your arm from his grasp.  It took you a moment to realize he had led you outside.

“Cool down for a few minutes Y/N.” Jamie said taking a seat on the curb.  You mimicked him as best you could in the short dress.  “Fancy meeting you here this evening.” Jamie’s dumb sense of humor was able to make you smile.

“Long time no see Captain.” You laughed out pushing into his side.

“Whose fault it that?” He turned to look at you.

“Don’t start on me too, please.” You didn’t think you could handle another person ripping into this evening.  “I’m going to find the girls and head out.” Jamie’s hand on your arm stopped you.

“I’m not; you did just drop off the face of the earth though.  Tyler wasn’t the only one in your relationship we cared about.” Jamie was using his captain voice on you, it made you squirm under his scrutiny.

“It was just easier to erase that part of my life than try to avoid Tyler.” You looked up at Jamie trying to gage how he’d react to your next question.  “Did you know he was going to break up with me?”

“No, truth be told I don’t think he thought it through very thoroughly before he did either.  You know him, always jumps into things without thinking of the consequences.” Jamie’s statement confused you.

“Why do you say that?” Digging a little further wouldn’t hurt, would it?

“He told you to find someone else, but when he saw you with someone else he flipped.”  Jamie recalled the aftermath of you attending the game the previous week.

The win celebration was cut short once everyone was off the ice.  As soon as Tyler had come in range of his locker his helmet was chucked full force at it.  “Ty!” Jason yelled as he jumped from the ricochet.

“She’s dating someone else!” Tyler slammed himself into his locker, waiting for someone to respond.

“You told her to, yes?” Val asked nodding at the rest of the team for agreement.

“It’s only been a couple months man, she’s already moved on.  Did our relationship mean that little?” Tyler’s anger was subsiding and turning into dejection.

“You’re the one who called things off.  I think she has a right to do whatever she wants at this point.” Jordie wasn’t one to shy off from the truth.

“Whose side are you on?” Tyler couldn’t believe his own team didn’t have his back.

“No one’s side Tyler, we care about you both.” Jamie had to add on, he was the team leader.

Tyler didn’t say anything else, just grabbed his stuff and stalked off to shower.  The guys decided to give him space.  He was the one who wanted this when he called off their relationship.

The look of disbelief had to be radiating off your face as Jamie relayed to you what had happened.  It made you feel a little better to know he was affected too, even if he hadn’t shown it.

“He’s been pretty quiet and withdrawn the past couple of months.  You aren’t the only one who had a hard time handling the breakup.” Jamie’s eyes were sincere, but you didn’t know how to handle the statement.

“It came out of left field for me though.  He made the decision on his own.” You looked back at the door.  “I should head back in, the girls are probably wondering where I disappeared to.” Standing you looked down at Jamie.

“Thanks Jamie, for telling me and being there.” The soft smile you received back made you feel better.

“How about not disappearing again as repayment, I do miss our hangouts.” Nodding in agreement you stepped onto the sidewalk.

“Call me soon; we’ll grab lunch, okay?” You asked, willing to get back the friendship you missed.

“Plan on it.”  Jamie’s response was firm.

Walking back into the bar you headed for the table you had left the girls at when originally going to get the next round.  You found them all there still, looking a little apprehensive.  “I’m fine, Jamie talked me down.” You laughed making the tension ease at the table.

“We were headed to you when we saw you talking with him.  Jamie and Val stepped in saying they would handle the situation.”  They all looked up at you.

“I’m going to call it a night.  Can we try this again soon?  I promise no drama.” You made your rounds of hugs and promises to text when you made it home and turned to make your exit.

The short ride home didn’t give you much time to think.  The opposite could be said as you lay in bed though.  Seeing Tyler at the game was one thing, having a conversation was so different.  If you were honest it hurt so much more than you expected.

The doorbell ringing brought you out of the shallow slumber you had eventually drifted off to in the early hours of morning.  Stretching and running your fingers through your hair a couple times to make it seem you had been conscious you headed into the hall.  Looking out the side window you saw a delivery van in your driveway and made your way to the door.  A gorgeous bouquet of tulips greeted you upon opening it.  “Delivery for Y/N?” the driver said looking at you.

“Yes.  Thank You.” You answered taking the arrangement from him.  Closing the door you headed to the living wondering how Marcus had learned your favorite flower.  After setting the flowers on the table you pulled the card out.

I was out of line.  I’m sorry about everything which occurred last night.  Can we talk sometime soon? Tyler

The card fluttered to the ground as you stood in complete shock.  What was even going on in your life anymore?


Thoughts on tonights Degrassi since it’s the last one of 2014! I’m talking about it all, so listen up! 

Drew & Clare: I definitely believe the response Clare got was indeed expected. However, I understand that Drew is upset but one thing that bugged me was him blaming everything on her. She gave him an out in the very beginning. Yes, he was doing the responsible and right thing, but none of this is her fault. I am sure Clare thought “Well I had sex with Drew last so it has to be his” Im sure she didn’t think that she would go a long time unaware of her own pregnancy. It’s scary to think you can miss something that important. Drew has every right to be upset that the baby isn’t his, but he doesn’t have the right to just blame it all on Clare like she did this for shits and giggles okay? 

Ali & Clare: I love Ali and Clare’s friendship. Although, they went through a rough time, I am so glad they’ve become best friends again. Clare definitely needs someone like Ali in her life, they balance each other when both are at their weakest moments. 

Eli & Clare:  WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK DEGRASSI WRITERS. All I keep thinking about Eli’s character is

  1. Lets give Eli this dark past where his first gf dies.
  2. Lets give him a new girl named Clare to love
  3. Lets give him a guy that doesn’t like him and basically bullies him and it ends in a near death
  4. Lets make Eli go off the deep end and be super creepy and controlling towards Clare
  5. Lets make him crash his car
  6. Lets give him bipolar disorder
  7. Let give him his life back a little
  8. Lets make him find the dead body of a fellow student
  9. Lets make him lose Clare again because he can’t handle shit
  10. Lets make him regain his life a little more again
  11. Lets get him into NYU
  12. Lets give Clare cancer
  13. Lets kill his bestfriend
  14. Lets make him cheat on clare!
  15. Lets make him lose but then get Clare back
  16. Lets make him become super distant and then lose Clare once again
  17. Lets make him see Clare in New York and give him the possibility of happiness with her again
  18. But wait! Lets make Clare pregnant
  19. But even better! Lets rip Eli’s heart out and make the baby not his
  20. Lets turn Eli into a heart broken ASSHAT
  22. But wait, when she goes to tell him lets make him into the biggest fxcking douche ever and make him call her a whore.

Like seriously? There is so much more but I’m just going to leave it at the ones I can throw off the top of my head. Eli has one shitty ass life when you think about it. I feel like they made him so good, then bad, then good, and now they’re trying to completely demolish his character. I honestly hope they come out and say “Eli has been off his meds” because something is seriously off. Or maybe I am in denial.

Ali & Dallas: I didn’t like the whole telling Dallas that she wanted to have sex but now never mind because he told Drew something he really needed to know. Dallas shouldn’t have told Drew, and should have give Clare time but you know what? No. When you hear something that directly will effect your best friend you bet your ass you’re going to tell them. I just wished Ali had handled how she dealt with that differently. You can’t dangle sex around as some sort of award. Dallas shouldn’t feel bad for having his friends back. Ali should feel proud that Dallas respects his friendship with Drew and knows that withholding such information might hurt Drew even more. It’s a sticky situation though because I am sure he wanted to have Ali’s back also.

Miles & Tristan: I had a whole bunch of second hand embarrassment for Tristan at the beginning. But I am proud that he realized he didn’t deserved to be treated wrong. I mean it only took him forever. I honestly had a love hate feeling for Triles. I did however call it in the beginning that Miles was probably using Tristan. I hope Tristan can stop begging for love and just let it eventually come to him<3

Miles & Maya: I have always had a soft spot for Maya. Theres just something I love about her. I am a matlingsworth shipper, but I definitely think if anything happens it has to be later. Maya is in a fragile time right now as well as Miles. Honestly, Maya needs to focus on herself more than anything and Miles needs to get help with the issues he’s dealing with. I hope they are friends through it all though because I am hoping for a reunion. The way Miles looked at Maya like she was the cutest thing ever was just the best. I honestly think Maya is one of the only people that understands Miles and is the only one that has proven that he can trust her with anything. 

Winston & Tristan: Lol i’m still confused as to what Winston is trying to do. 

Frankie & Zoe: Well if I didn’t hate Zoe before, I do now. Frankie just wants to be accepted and cheer. Zoe just wants to be the top dog. The way Zoe bullies Frankie, pisses me off. Frankie didn’t want to sell nudes, but Zoe took everything she said and twisted it to fit what she wanted. I really like Frankie for some reason, I really can’t wait to watch how she develops. However, Zoe is just cruel sometimes. You would think after everything she has been though, she would be a little more considerate of other people. Anyways, I am very proud of how Frankie finally told Zoe exactly how she is. Zoe definitely needed it.

Next week!

I am super excited for next week!

I honestly do not understand why everyone is flipping shit because they find out Grace is lesbian. Grace is a fxcking badass, her sexual orientation doesn’t make her any better or any worse. I love Grace every which way man, she’s one of my favorite characters this season. I feel like Grace will be one of the characters I’ll always like to watch, and I can’t wait for her to get her own plot.

Frankie taking the fall really pisses me off, I hope Zoe doesn’t get away with anything. 

Anon request: MFW guys when they find out that their kid(s) are not theirs but their friend’s:
I had to tweak the children’s descriptions a little to make this suitable, so this definitely doesn’t fit in with all my other OC kid pieces.

He was recalling the time he was out of town, busy with the filming of a movie. He had tried his best to keep you company, but apparently, clearly, you had been too lonely.
“It was an accident!” You plea with him and cling to his hand as he stood there in the living room, staring at nothing in particular. His empty gaze felt like a dagger twisting in the depth of your stomach, and you knew an even more excruciating pain was ripping apart his heart. “Please, Takamasa, talk to me, yell at me, and say what you need to say, don’t be like this!”
He turns his head to fix blank brown eyes on you.
Your tears roll down your cheeks as you look at him.
“Ren“ You wince at the pain that twists his handsome face. Ayame was clinging to Saeki’s leg, begging for his attention. He drops his gaze to the girl, the beautiful little angel who he once called his daughter.
She had your hair, and your eyes, hiding her father’s identity for eight years. Now when Saeki stared at her, only his friend came into mind. His chin, the shape of his eyes, everything in his looks was echoed faintly in his daughter. His daughter with you.
Unable to keep looking at her, he pries her off his leg and she cries out in protest.
“Go to your mother.” His voice was as steady as he could make it, but you hear the agony as it trembled. Ayame scuttled to your side, snuggling against you as she wondered about her father’s strange behavior.
“Takamasa…” You try to prompt him into talking. Maybe if he would talk about it with you, you could sooth over the problem. It was farfetched, and you knew it was impossible as he beheld your hopeful look with a stiff and ravaged expression. He got up and left the room.
You said nothing as your marriage deteriorated from there. He stayed out later and later, and sometimes he returned home early in the morning smelling passionately of perfume and wine. He couldn’t look at Ayame, and he avoided you as much as he could. Gossip spread about him across magazines, and you had to flee with Ayame to your hometown to avoid the media. It was there when you received the divorce papers in the mail.

They say eyes are the windows to one’s soul. You saw shattered glass as you met his gaze.
“I suspected.” Controlled anger simmered underneath his tone, overpowered by agony. “But I chose to trust you…” Takao’s words quivered and trailed off, throwing another punch of guilt to your stomach.
“I’m so sorry…” You were in tears, wiping your eyes with the backs of your hands, trying to compose yourself as the kids huddled in the corner of the couch nervously. Norio’s hands were pressed over his half-sister’s ears, shielding her from your conversation.
Takao turned to gaze at his sons and the small girl. She had that perfect black hair instead of brown, the sweet brown eyes instead of the Maruyama grey. He has always dismissed as her likeliness to you.
“It was an accident.” You bite your lip and taste the metallic tang of blood. “You were always busy with those cases and Masao was in his stubborn stage and I got really drunk at Kuni’s bar and he offered to take me home and it just… I’m so sorry!” You watch his face desperately, hoping for some emotion that wasn’t sadness. You wished he would yell at you, instead of just sitting there, hurt and broken. Pain shoots into your heart.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He whispered, a pained note in his voice.
“How do I tell you?” You whimper as another wave of tears crash over you. “It was one accident! I don’t love Saeki, not like I do you… I can’t tell you! What about the boys? The boys are yours!” You break into more tears and Takao sighs deeply, rubbing his hands over his face in a halfhearted attempt to work this revelation through his mind. Tears welled up but he forced them back.
“Please, Takao…” Your body was trembling. He didn’t reply.
You never got a divorce. He raised the children dutifully, as if they were his own. Kiyomi never suspected a thing, even as she grew up and flourished with Saeki’s flawless looks.
It was a slow torture, watching him play his part as a father every day, and slip back into his bedroom at night, not really talking to you, and meeting your eyes with a ragged spirit. He never stopped loving you, but the tainted love sliced into his heart like claws, and he shut himself into his thoughts .

His quiet, stiff question tore down whatever boldness that led you to confess your sin to him. Green eyes stared at you, intense, igniting the guilt that had been pent up inside you for so long. You burst into tears.
“I just… I’m so sorry! You had the research project and things to deal with in the kingdom… All you ever did was eat and sleep, and you hardly even ate… You were just busy – not that that’s an excuse – but I was lonely and sad, and he paid me so much attention, Ren… I’m so sorry.”
You try to reach out for him, but he pulls away.
“I don’t love him like I love you…”
Aina scrambles over to you, clinging to your side, wondering why her mother was crying. It was only now did he see the minute differences. Her hair was a few shades darker than his, almost bronze, and bounced with slight curls. She blinked wide brown eyes that spelled out mischief and jokes.
“Was my love really worth that little?” His expression was injured, insulted. “Was what we had so feeble compared to temptation?” His voice was thin, fading and withering in Aina’s sniffing.
“No, Ren… It’s not like that…” You wipe the tears off your cheeks messily, struggling to phrase your words as you watch his face drop deeper and deeper into depression. “I was in the moment… I… It was all my fault… I didn’t want to hurt you like this… I didn’t mean to, I’m so sorry…”
No amount of words could fix it; you knew that as well as anyone. He would never be able to hold you again, this betrayal etched so roughly on his heart that he could never forget it. He would never be able to kiss you without imagining Yuta’s lips on yours. He still loved you, deeply, but every time he got too close to you, every time he saw Aina, he felt the pain renewed in his chest. He retreated to his studies more, and you felt the distance stretch achingly between the two of you. Neither of you brought up the idea of divorce, for Aina’s sake. He was still a loving fatherly figure, but never again your affectionate husband.

The difference was obvious, but he had always chosen to overlook it.
Toshio’s reddish brown hair clashed against Tsutomu’s purple. He had convinced himself it was simply Toshio taking after your looks, but as you sat there that day, confessing the truth to him, his whole self-deception fell apart.
He asked for a reason, pleading with you with violet eyes of soullessness. You cried in guilt and anguish as you explained the incident to him. Kunihiko put his head in his hands as you try to describe the accident, with him being out of town for a business trip, with the rumor of an affair in the magazine, with you drinking late at the bar, with Yamato sitting down to accompany you in drinking, with the night happening there, at his bar. You stumble and choke over your words, remembering the sin that had lodge itself in your heart for years.
Toshio’s wild and playful behavior mirrored his father precisely, and Kunihiko could almost kick himself for not pointing it out sooner. But what was the point of ever knowing?
“You should have chosen him in the beginning.” He says softly, in a weak voice. “You should have picked him. He’s young and suitable for you.”
“No…” You gaze at him, teary eyed, wracked with shame. “It’s not your fault, it’s mine.”
“I could have been more attentive…” His fingers clenched in his wavy hair. “I could have been better for you. I could have clarified that rumor with you before any of this happened. I could-“
“It’s not your fault!” You cry out at him, bursting into tears again at his blaming of himself. Your body rattles as your tears tumble down your cheeks. He finally lifts his head and affixes you with a hurt expression.
“I wasn’t there for you… Couldn’t you have said something? Why didn’t you say anything?” His hollow voice wavers as he holds back the tears. “Was he really that good to you?”
You put your hand to your mouth, biting down on the knuckles as you shook your head.
“It was once, Kunihiko… Please… I didn’t mean it.”
He struggled to treat the boys equally, and you had to admit he managed well. The two of you didn’t get a divorce, for the sake of Tsutomu, who never wronged anyone and deserved his father. Kunihiko stayed out longer for work every night, coming home late and slipping into his side of the bed as far away from you as possible. He rarely laughed anymore, and every time he did, you notice the strained, forced glint in the depth of his eyes. You remember his former carefree spirit and cry your shadowing guilt into the pillow.

“Please, let me explain!” You cling to his hand and he throws you off roughly. “Yamato!”
“What is there left to explain?”
His eyes were dark flares of rage, fuelled by pain. A bitter sneer curls his lip and you feel the tears sting your eyes.
“I’m so sorry… I didn’t want you to find out like this!” You cry out helplessly and he throws the papers in his hands at you. Michiko and Masaru’s blood test results fall to the ground like pieces of his heart.
“Oh, so you meant to never tell me.” His voice was icy, hiding the emptiness that he struggled to contain. He was shaking.
“What?” His hand grabs your chin in a familiar grasp, but he looked insulted and betrayed, not passionate. “Would you like to tell me how GOOD it felt with him inside you? How NICE it was that you slipped into his arms even though Mr. Good and Noble Lawyer KNEW it was illegal? How DARE he try to mess with something that was MINE?” He shoves you away from him firmly but not violently. Your knees give out and you crumple to the floor.
“Yamato… please… I do love you… It was never supposed to happen! I made a mistake…”
He was silent, seething and bleeding on the inside. Your tears keep coming and you kneel on the ground, crying as he stood a little off to the side. He seized something and hurled it across the room with a crashing sound. You flinch and scream.
“SHUT UP!” He roared at you and you look up. Through the blur of your tears, you see him with his hand raised, something clutched tightly in the white knuckles, about to be thrown at you. All energy vanished from him as he realized what he was about to do. A look of pain twists his furious face and the object slips through his fingers weakly, smashing to the floor.
“Get out.” He managed to choke his words through his lips. “Get out of here.”
He made it a point to ask his friend to help with the divorce, casting Takao with a dirty look as he scribbled his name over the line. He couldn’t look at you anymore. He couldn’t bear to see the woman that had captivated him and crushed him in her own hands. The world was pushed out from his heart as he wondered why he ever let his guard down anyway.

He cupped your sobbing face.
“It’s a joke, right?” He sounded terrified, uncertain, and nervous. “________, tell me it’s a joke. You got me. It’s hilarious.” He gave a forced chuckle as he studies your expression. “It’s just a joke, right?”
You shake your head and feel his hands slip away from your cheeks. He slides away from you on the couch and sink against the armrest.
He shuts his eyes tightly, trying to shut you. It was your turn to reach for him through your tears.
“Yuta please…”
He shakes his head of curls, face contorted in agony.
“Who is it?”
The shame that had been chronically stinging you intensifies into a dagger in your heart.
“Kunihiko.” Your voice trembles as he clenches his jaw. Tears fall from his eyes and you feel the drops tumble down your cheeks.
Yuta was laughing, a hoarse noise scratching at your ears and ripping you inside out. He looked at you with a wrangled pain.
“I’ve always trusted ol’ Kuni with everything. Look how well he TOOK CARE of my wife.” He tosses his head back on the cushions with another broken laugh and falls silent.
“Yuta… I’m so sorry…” Your voice fades as you realize he didn’t care. No words mattered right now. He was crying, one hand over his mouth, muffling his sobs.
His strangled question wrings your guts and you grit your teeth, holding back another gasping sob.
“It.. I… I don’t…”
“It doesn’t matter anymore.” His chest heaves as he sits up. “Does it…?”
“Yuta… I love you.” You whisper pleadingly, as if it was going to make a difference.
“I don’t know anymore, _______. Do you?” He shakes his head slowly, trying to shrug off the icy negativity suffocating his logical thought. “Yoichi…”
“It’s not Yoichi’s fault.” Your voice takes on a defensive tone as he speaks of your son. “It was my fault, don’t blame him, please.” The memory of your one night with Kunihiko makes fresh shame burn like coals under your skin. Your husband looked utterly wrecked.
He didn’t do anything for the following weeks, and you felt the guilt plague your life. He didn’t want you to leave him, and he still loved you. Every glimpse of your face thrust renewed pain into his chest, but every glimpse of your face kept him alive. He forced laughter and smiles for work, and for you. He cried his loss into empty rooms when he was alone. It was a treacherous balance that almost drove him to insanity, but he couldn’t lose you. There would be no balance at all if you left.

Almost all the requests I ever get are sad ones (not like I mind)
Is it sad enough? I always feel kinda worried I’m not making them upsetting enough and that bothers me.
Hope you liked the read! Requests always make me feel loved

ovicati  asked:

Hello. Just wanted to let you know that I love your recs. Thank you! I have a weird favor to ask though. Can you make a Cherik rec list that's Charles-centric or only Charles-POV ? A single POV is actually quite rare but I find it more enjoyable personally. I prefer angst, pining and heartbreaks to color me blue. Samples include No Longer in Silence by Black-Betty's, Sub Rosa by Tahariel, and Tuesday by Sperare. Predominantly 1-POV and full of angst. Please and thank you very much!

First, I just want to say I am so, so sorry for how long this took! Thank you to ovicati for being so lovely and being so patient with me. This was a hard list to make because it’s honestly difficult to remember which fics are which POV, and I’m afraid I had to stick with ones I’ve read multiple times and therefore could remember more readily. I hope there’s something you haven’t read on here yet, but I’d also like to open this post for suggestions!

Time to Grow by zarah5 (M, 21k) 
In which you’ll find chess dates which aren’t dates (or maybe Charles is wrong about that). – Based on First Class, this turns (slightly) AU during the beach scene.
Ending’s Comment: Pretty much canon compliant. Erik and Charles start tentatively meeting up. Angsty but not melodramatic, and extremely lovely.

Divergence Day by manic_intent (M, 28k)
The room that Charles is held in is simple, and underground, a concrete bunker of a place hewn into a cube, with a simple white cot for a bed. There’s a small black and white television set, plugged to the wall within hand’s reach of the bed, and an ensuite bathroom attached to the chamber. They’re somewhere in the Nevada desert, as far as Charles dimly remembers, one of Erik’s many boltholes. There’s no one else in the entire facility, and Erik’s mind is closed to Charles from the helmet. The silence is both blissful and excruciating.
Ending’s Comment: A what-if fic set post-DOFP. Erik kills everyone at the White House (including Raven). This obviously changes everything. (The epilogue is in Erik’s POV but everything else is Charles’)

Made To Be Broken by Yahtzee (E, 18k) 
Charles makes a New Year’s Resolution: “No more straight men,” Charles repeated as he began scrolling through the apartment directory for Emma’s name. “No more futility. No more pointless hoping and heartbreak. In 2013, I never want to hear the words ‘exception,’ ‘experimenting’ or ‘phase.’ If, God forbid, I hear ‘bicurious’ even once, I may take a hostage.” Then he goes into the party, and Erik is there.
Ending’s Comment: Charles is hesitant to hope for a relationship with Erik who is straight…. or is he? Not as angsty as you may like, but it pulled my heartstrings, anyway.

The stars incline us, they do not bind us by ikeracity, Pangea (E, 162k)
Intergalactic Federation pilot Lieutenant Charles Xavier is assigned last-minute to a high profile mission: transporting over two thousand prison inmates from an old and overfilled prison complex to a newer, higher-capacity prison stronghold located on the outer reaches of the galaxy. Just as he’s settling down for a long and uneventful ride, things take a turn for the worse after the inmates riot and stage a hostile takeover of the ship, leaving Charles to find himself at the complete mercy of cold-blooded killers and facing the chilling prospect that he might not ever make it back home alive.
Ending’s Comment: This fic ruined me. Tight Charles-only POV of course, but still manages to develop Erik very well. Make sure to check warnings and tags!

A Logical Progression by cloudyjenn (M, 17k) 
Erik and Charles were only together once before doubt and fear ground their romance to a halt. But once was apparently all it took. Now Charles is dealing with a pretty crappy secondary mutation, a brand new career teaching mini-mutants and a stubbornly overprotective Erik. This is the story of how Charles and Erik got from Point A to Point B and what they collected along the way.
Ending’s Comment: I get a kick out of the Charles has a secondary mpreg mutation trope, and this one is done well with tons of pining. 

All the King’s Man by Pookaseraph (E, 64k)
In an effort to get out from under the thumb of his step-father, Charles chooses to become a courtesan for several minor nobles in King Erik’s court. It is not long before he attracts the eye of the young king, and the Cardinal who holds the young king’s ear. Charles spends months working to secure his place as King Erik’s favorite and to regain his father’s title of Merchant Prince. Charles hopes to disprove the old adage that once you enter the king’s bed, you have nowhere to go but down.
Ending’s Comment: A/O universe. Though Erik is the king, this is very much Charles’ story. I love his political machinations and his relationship with Emma. Due to the intense focus on Charles, Erik seemed a bit flat, but I enjoyed this nonetheless! Angst for days!

To Rattle the Stars by GQD, Pangea (E, 71k)
All his life Charles has chafed at the bonds of gravity that hold him bound to tiny and backwater Montressor, more at home in the sky on his solar surfer than on the ground, where he’s stuck working at his stepfather’s inn. His heart and soul yearn for the stars, and it’s his dream to one day be a spacer and sail across the cosmos on adventure.The opportunity comes sooner than he ever imagined one night when a ship crash-lands on the inn’s front doorstep, carrying a dying pirate with a mysterious map and a dire warning: beware the cyborg.
Ending’s Comment: Perhaps not as overall angsty as you might like, but definitely has some heart-twisting moments. Plus great humor and lovely space metaphors (hell yeah)

it’s like one of us woke up by kaydeefalls (T, 25k) 
“You came here for me,” Charles said, meeting Shaw’s gaze levelly. “So let’s not waste any more time.” Canon!AU in which Charles and Erik do find Shaw in Russia.
Ending’s Comment: Ripped my heart out. Better than XMFC to be honest, haha.

lay down beside me (so still and so soft) by C_Gracewood (E, 53k)
A different take on the events of the film.
Ending’s Comment: Heavily focused on the sexual relationship between Charles and Erik, but definitely extremely angsty. Set in canon.


I really want to open this post up for suggestions. Any Charles-only POV fics full of angst that anyone recommends? I know we tend to frown upon writers reccing their own fics, but I think they remember which POV they wrote in better than a reader might, so please feel free to offer your own too!