Buckle up y'all this is gonna be a lonnggg one.
I know that I truly love her because she hurt me on a whole another level and I still love her. I have a right to be mad at her, but I’m not. I “should be” speaking poorly of her, but I’m not, I only speak positively about her. I could have flipped out on her, but I didn’t, I don’t want to, I see no need to. I could be the most bitter thing towards her, but I’m not, I don’t want to be, I let her go knowing that I love her and I always will, she will always have someone to turn to. I could have left her before she got the chance to leave me, but I didn’t, I gave her the decision, because if it was up to me we would be in each other’s lives forever. I want her to be free, I want her to be happy, I want her to know that she matters, I want her to know she is so dearly loved, I want her to know she is so incredibly unique and special, I want her to know I will always love her, I want her to know that my arms will always be wide open for her, I want her to know that I have yet to find anything that compares to her, I want her to know that she is so valued, I want her to know that there will always be a spark of love in my heart for her, I want her to know that I love all of her, even though I don’t know every single detail of her life, I see who she is because of it, she is strong and beautiful and so gentile and she has been hurt, I can see those parts of her and I love her. I don’t only love her because she is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, I loved her because she was raw, she had such spark about certain things, she understood, she listened, she was patient, she had a way with words, she could make me melt in a single sentence, she worked so hard, she made me feel like I mattered to someone, to at least her and that is all I needed in life, she gave purpose to life, she saw the beauty of things and the sad side of things, her mind took a while to learn, but once I got a drift of how it worked I fell in love, she has so much genuine love for her pets, she was true, she was the definition of cuteness, she was such a goofball, she had sass, she changed me, she made me happy, she made me smile, she made me cry, she made me sad. She was the only person I let my walls down for. I gave her my heart and forever I think she will have it, maybe one day it won’t be all of it, but she will always have the majority of it. I wanted to know all of her. I wanted to know her full story of life. I wanted to know why she is the person she is, I wanted to understand her in a way that no one had before, I wanted to be the one for her, I wanted to know all major events of her life, all the little ones too, I wanted to know the little things that she loved, the tiny facts that no one pays attention to, I wanted to truly know her, I wanted to feel her pain and joy, I wanted to know her favorite memories and her least favorite, I wanted to know her favorite thing about herself, I wanted to know her least favorite thing about herself. I wanted her to know I would love her no matter what. I wanted to spoil her, I wanted to take her on dates, I wanted to love her in her best and worst moments, I wanted to take her places, I wanted to finish that game of 20 questions, I wanted to love her through every mood and phase, I wanted to take her to the movies and leave not even knowing what the movie was about, I wanted to hold her hand, I wanted to give her my jacket when she got cold, I wanted to hug her, I wanted to kiss her forehead just because I could, I wanted to stare into her beautiful eyes and just think “wow”, I wanted to take her out to dinner, I wanted to stargaze with her by my side, I wanted to give her a massage after a long day at work, I wanted to dance in the rain with her, I wanted to hold her at night when she got frightened because of a nightmare, I wanted to fall asleep next to her, I wanted to wake up next to her, I wanted to see her do something she loved and watch how she would light up, I wanted to go on deep conversation walks, I wanted to be with her, I just wanted to be in her presence, I wanted to do that cute little run hug thing and then fall on our butts because it’s not a movie, I wanted to show her everything, I wanted to take her to New York City and Paris, I wanted to love her forever, I wanted to wake up every day just feeling so happy because I got to be with my love, I wanted to take her to that place she dreamed about, where we could love each other endlessly, where we could be ourselves without worries, where we would shiver from closeness, where nothing would stand in our way, where it would be every thing that she dreamed of and so much more, I want to take her there and be with her. I wanted to fall asleep listening to her voice, I wanted to show up at her work and order breakfast, only paying in change, because I know it annoys the crap out of her, I wanted to look at her, I mean just look at her, take in her beauty, I wanted to know every scar on her body and where it came from, I wanted to give her some of my own clothes, so that she would think of me every time she wore them, I wanted to buy her everything that her little heart desired, I wanted to give my little girl a kiss whenever she was down, I wanted to be a brat whenever she would try to kiss me and turn my head so that she would end up kissing my cheek, then she would get upset and she would make me kiss her, I wanted to tell her all of my useless knowledge, I wanted to tell her all of my stupid thoughts and ideas, I wanted to horribly sing love songs to her, I wanted her to meet my puppy, I wanted to meet her little bunny, I wanted to do all stupid cheesy sappy stuff with her, I wanted to teach her how to play soccer, I wanted to watch the sunset with her, I wanted to wake up early and see the sunrise with her, I wanted to enjoy her favorite month (October) together, I wanted to tackle her into a pile of leaves and then run away from her chasing me trying to tackle me, I wanted to carve a pumpkin with her, I wanted to just sit with her watching the leaves fall, enjoying the silence that we rarely ever have, I wanted to wake up extra early to make her breakfast, I wanted to get all bundled up with her go to the beach and watch the way the waves crash onto the shore, and see how the fall waves differ from the summer time waves, I wanted to catch lightning bugs with her and then let them go because we want them to be free, I wanted to take her to Starbucks and get the cliche seasonal drinks, I wanted to go through a flipping corn maze holding her hand, and I wanted to get lost doing so because we were being such morons, I wanted to watch her kick ass on the court, I wanted to kiss her in the moonlight on a night time fall walk, because I can’t resist kissing my little cutie, I wanted to be with her while the seasons changed and we had to deal with the terrible winters that we get up here, I wanted to play in the snow with her, because we truly are children at heart, I wanted to tackle her into pile of snow and again have to run away from her chasing me, I wanted to catch snow flakes on our tongues, I wanted to have snowball fights with her, I wanted to go ice skating for my first time with her, and you know of course fall on my ass and have her laugh at me, I wanted to go around looking at Christmas lights with her, and a cup of hot chocolate of course, then I wanted to kiss her when the ball drops and we start a New Year, after that I wanted to give her the absolute best birthday and birthday present ever, whatever that would have been, I would have made it happen. I wanted her to be my cheesy valentine I wanted to buy her a teddy bear and all of that stuff, I wanted to take her out on a ton of dates, whether that be dinner, a movie, stargazing, napping, breakfast, watching the sunset, dancing at 4 in the morning, watching the sun rise, cuddling, going to a carnival, or anything really. I wanted to get to know her in a way that I have never known anyone else before, I wanted to know all about her, I wanted to know all of her thoughts, I wanted to know all of her ideas, I wanted to bring her flowers, I wanted to give her everything, I wanted to be there when she gets sick so that I could give her soup and medicine and make sure that she rests and gets better, I wanted to be there when she gets a tummy ache and just needs to relax, I wanted to do all of this and soooooo much more. She will always be my 11:11 wish, my birthday wish, and my wish upon a star. I truly do think that I love her, I can’t say for sure because love never really was my forte. I believe that I am, because if I’m not in love with her, then what the hell does actually falling in love feel like?!?! Like that must be some crazy shit! I mean this is some crazy shit that I’m feeling to begin with soo….
Thank you for reading my “rant”. If anyone is hurting, I’ve heard that it gets better eventually. I feel your pain, we are all hurting together. Try listening to some Halsey she understands pain. Huge thank you to you guys too! Thank you for letting me air out my thoughts, feelings, and pain, it has helped me so much!