more beer!

I wonder how the pizza place next door feels everytime I stumble in, wearing the same clothes I’ve worn for 3 days, unwashed hair, no makeup, looking dead inside, and ask for a calzone. I bet they’re like “ shit here comes the Calzone Goblin, demanding substance and root beer once more”

But seriously tho, on the topic of temperatures we can survive and stuff, aliens would flip the heck out if they lived where i do.

I live in a part of southern Canada that gets so cold that being outside for more than 2 minutes means you have a good chance of getting frost bite.

My room has two outside walls, and is very well insulated. In the winter i get frost on the inside of my walls and i couldnt give two shits. I sleep with the exact same blankets i do in the summer.

Like you see all these things about Australia, or rainforests, or Florida, and how extreme they are.

But id like to see aliens take on a candian hosehead. They’re like red necks, but with more crazy stunts, more beer, and more guns. Like can you imagine???

Alien: ah yes a nice cool region this will do nicely for the invasian

Human: *careens off building on a ski doo towing another man on a toboggan, hollering about how he left his beer at the lodge*

Alien: well perhaps the local species are a bit strange, but mostly harmless! After all, this species of humans “can-ayy-dee-ins” are known throughout this planet as kind and docile, we shall have no difficu-SMACK- HOLY GILSNIP YOU HIT ME WITH A PEICE OF ICE YOU PRIES FROM THE LAKE AND NOW IM BLEEDING HOW DARE YOU FEEL MY WRATH

Humans: WEEEE HEEEHEHEEEEE you came to the wrong neighbour hood, bud!

Alien:…. my scans say you are heavily intoxicated. This shall be a easy fight

Human: *whistles loudly and gives a big toothy smile*

Alien: starts screaming as another human on a sled heads a MASSIVE HEARD OF WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BEAST ITS FURY AND IT HAS BEEN HORNS GREAT GILSNAP GET ME OUT OF HERE

Humans: high fiving as they climb on their sleds and chase after their herd of buffalo because that will take a while but it was ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT DID YOU SEE THAT ALIENS FACE GET REKT

theory: instead of the original pure animosity we were offered in the original look at justice league, aquaman and batman are going to end up being what i call “do it for the vine” bros. not even necessarily bros, just two dudes who could look at each other and know that they’re both thinking of pulling the same stupid stunt. what if i surfed on your danger car, batman? what if i flung you off my danger car, aquaman? all in all, it is much more dangerous than the simple hatred we thought of before

Dating Zach Dempsey Would Include
  • always telling him no to something and him pouting like a child
  • him doing it anyway and you getting upset
  • Zach apologizing and trying to be romantic about it
  • emphasis on the word ‘trying’
  • him throwing rocks at your window to get your attention
  • until he ends up throwing a particularly heavy one and breaking your window
  • never being able to stay mad at him because he’s just too cute
  • stealing all his Nike sweaters and hoodies
  • wearing his letterman jacket at school
  • walking in the halls with his arm around your shoulder
  • fully supporting him when he told you he wanted to be a marine biologist
  • going to all his games
  • wearing his Jersey
  • almost losing your voice from cheering him on so much
  • “WOOOOO, GO ZACH. THATS MY BOYFRIEND!”
  • being proud of him
  • him giving you private basketball lessons
  • sweaty hugs
  • the guys taking a liking to you immediately
  • always being over at Bryces house
  • only really going there to make sure Zach doesn’t do anything stupid
  • you’re actually the mother of the group
  • “Come on, babe, just one more beer-”
  • “No, you’ve had enough!”
  • “I only had one!”
  • “And that’s enough!”
  • being the victim of Bryces catcalls once
  • Zach threatening to cut up all his body parts
  • starting with his dick
  • “It’s just a joke, Dempsey-”
  • “Shut the fuck up, Walker.”
  • hanging around Alex because he’s pretty funny
  • being disappointed in Alex when he does something dumb with the boys
  • frowning upon the list and ripping it up when it was passed to you
  • you being too late because several pictures were already taken of it
  • being upset with Zach when you found out about the tapes and Hannah
  • making him go to her grave to properly apologize to her
  • being there with him
  • trying not to be dragged in all the drama going on with the tapes
  • taking pictures of him when he does something cute
  • which is all the time in your opinion
  • having play dates with his little sister
  • being scared of his mom but never telling him that
  • he finds out eventually though
  • “you’re scared of her too?”
  • sweet, fluffy first time
  • you coming up with the most ridiculous pet names for him
  • “Hey, babe, can you hand me my shirt.”
  • “Sure thing, Bunny Farts.”
  • him calling you at midnight just to hear your voice
  • “you’re an idiot but you’re my idiot”
  • hugging him from behind and peppering kisses along his face when he’s spacing out to remind him that he’s not alone

Originally posted by void-obriens

a friend like mine

 Summary: A discussion about a break up leads to….interesting revelations. || Sebastian x Reader || part 1 of 2

Warnings: discussion of kinks, [in the second part] —> smut and all that entails, thigh riding, choking, some other stuff but i’ll put it in the warnings for the next one

Note: :))))

Originally posted by buckynsebimagines

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Drive Safely (Jeff Atkins x Reader)

Originally posted by wkom

A/N. JEFF DESERVES BETTER! And because of this, and because I am trash, I rewrote the ending of episode 9 - Clay doesn’t leave, Hannah and Sheri don’t knock over the stop sign, and everyone is safe. I hope you guys like it, and I am more than willing to take requests. Feel free to message me guys. Let’s cry together.

WORD COUNT: 3,420

Alright, enjoy!


The music was blasting, the beer was flowing, and Jessica and Justin were on the verge of procreating on the couch. (Y/n) rolled her eyes at the two sophomores and squeezed through the crowd, balancing the two drinks in her hands as she weaved around the drunk teenagers. She finally made it outside, sucking in a breath of the cooling autumn air and sighing. She was pretty sure Monty had brushed up against her ass. Horny asshole.

She looked around the far less populated, but still crowded, front yard, picking out her boyfriend from the way his poofy hair stood out above everyone else. He was talking to Clay, and as she approached she saw him roll his eyes violently, his whole body swaying with the force of it.

Damn Jensen, she thought with a laugh, you’re gonna break my boyfriend of you and Hannah don’t bang soon.

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i like you (this is a problem)

“Here’s the thing-” Lily said, marching into the pub and pulling out a stool.


“We’re closed.” James interrupted without looking up from wiping down the bar.

“I want a dog.” Lily barrelled on without hearing him. “But my landlord doesn’t allow pets so I was wondering-“

“I’m not getting a fucking dog for you.” James said firmly.

Lily blinked at him. “I was going to ask if you thought it was morally wrong to raise it in my air-vent.” There was a silence. James was caught between hoping she wasn’t serious and knowing that she was. “Your idea seems better.” Lily admitted.

“Really. Talk me through that, is it because there is no animal abuse involved?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of then you’d have to clean up the poo, but the no animal abuse is also good.”


“Y’know” Sirius was lying on top of the bar, waving around a beer and staring at the ceiling. Nobody looked up. “I always thought once we owned a bar we would spend a solid 60% percent of our time drunk, and that hasn’t happened.” 

Remus, still wiping down tables, said “I shudder to think what you’d be like on your own.”

“Since we bought the bar we spend more time drunk than we used to?” Peter consoled, baffled.

Sirius sat up. “I would say we spent about 15% percent of our time drunk before the bar, and after the bar we spend about 25%. That is an increase of only ten percent.”

“Where are you pulling these numbers from?” Lily asked while holding the ladder for James, who was avoiding the dishwasher by pretending to fix the squeaky window.

“On top of being an excellent barman I double as a statistician.”

“You are neither of those things.” Remus said. Sirius glared.

“Fuck you Moony. At school you were always saying I didn’t do enough math, and here I am, doing math, and you’re abusing me.”

Remus threw a dishtowel at him and gestured to the kitchen. “Go unstack the dishwasher.”

“Fantastic.” Sirius said, throwing his hands in the air. “This is what I get for my brief foray into math. Insulted and unloading dishes.” He jumped off the bar and mockingly gave Remus’ back the finger. James laughed.


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Take The Trade: Part 1

Author: @sincerelystiles
Pairing: Dylan x Reader
Word Count: 2,836

Warning: THIS IS VERY SINFUL OH DEAR LORD

A/N: big fuckin thanks to the girls for encouraging me to finish this and being super supportive. i’ve been working on this for the longest time and it’s finally here, so enjoy mother fuckers x x

LISTEN TO THIS ON REPEAT!!!!


Originally posted by gabalecki


I throw the phone onto the couch, groaning in annoyance and stomping my feet like a child as I wander to the kitchen, huffing once more to catch Dylan’s attention. “What’s wrong?” He asks, his back still turned to me as he assorted popcorn and candy into different plastic tubs.

My shoulders slouch and I climb onto the island, crossing my legs and pulling an unsatisfied face. “Everyone’s busy, they can’t make it.” I grumble under my breath with furrowed eyebrows. Friday night was game night, everyone came over to my place to eat junk food, play stupid board games and get completely wasted. But, everyone decided they’d be busy this week, which couldn’t have been any more inconvenient.

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I think one of the misconceptions about Loki is that he is looking to cause chaos, but rarely have I experienced Loki causing chaos just for the sake of chaos.

Change, chaotic change, serves a purpose as the quickest way to get from point a to b. Or it’s for fun. Or because certain fuckers are asshats and really need to have things go wrong for them. Or because Really, Trust Me, Hold My Beer, This Is Gonna Be Great and you end up with some awesome stuff, or in the same vein it’s “Look these rules suck and if we say, DON’T play by the rules there might be some bumps but it will be totally worth it” and you end up with a foldable ship and a lightning hammer.

And change is fucking scary for a lot of people, especially when the change doesn’t follow rules or connect-the-dots steps or moments to adjust, so really it’s no wonder a lot of people are wary of Loki and I know with all this I sound slightly ridiculous going “No, dude- DUDE. It’s totally worth it. It’s amazing. Just do it it is so much fun oh my gods.” on the subject of working with him.

The Brown Bottle

Pairings: Alpha!Werewolf!Sam x Omega!Werewolf!Reader - A/B/O

Word Count: 3400+

Summary: Sam is rough around the edges, you do your best to avoid him until one night you discover he’s your true mate and instincts take over. This is really just a lot of smut and a little plot to ease things along. 

My twist on a/b/o dynamics.

Beta:  @just-another-busy-fangirl

Warnings: NSFW gif, knotting, mating, breeding, dominance, claiming, fingering, unprotected sex, biting, dirty talk, rough sex, some dom/sub overtones.

Your name: submit What is this?





You stop in your tracks, clutching an open hand over your abdomen.

“Shit,” you mumble under your breath as an afterthought. Shit doesn’t quite do this kind of pain justice. This cycle’s heat has brought what your mother, Millie (owner and proprietor of The Brown Bottle), refers to as The Real Motherfuckers. The kind of cramps that stop a woman unexpectedly while on her way to work well after sundown. The two generic suppressants you popped an hour earlier aren’t working as well as you hoped and you find yourself wishing you’d taken a third.

These are indeed The Real Motherfuckers.

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OVERCOME (M)

Originally posted by jeonify


GENRE: noona&youngerboy, smut

BACKGROUND: Jungkook’s first time had left him traumatized of having sex ever again. It had gone so far to the point that a rumor had even spread about him not being able to get hard-ons. You then decide to step in and prove the rumor wrong. What was supposed to be a simple test of theory leads to a night that you weren’t going to forget for the rest of your life.

AUTHORS NOTE: Omg I haven’t written something in so long. I’m so sorry this took me quite a while. This actually started as a drabble but I kind of got too into it and finished it into a full blown story. I’ll be working on the remaining requests sent to me before, soon I promise you guys, I’m just trying to come up with ideas! But I do hope you enjoy this, tell me what you think. 

Jeon, as forever, is a sinful little shit. 

If there are any errors, I am sorry about those! I did proof read but I know I still missed some. 


Your pen hangs off of your lips, fingers tapping lightly against the glass table as you study the boy in front of you. He has his face buried between the pages of his Physics book, eyes scanning through each paragraph in close precision, oblvious of your scrutiny. You slowly turn your logistics book shut, choosing to ignore your studies as the conversation you had with your brother during last night’s party flashes through your mind.

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