This isn't really related to MBTI, but I've recently realized that my mother is emotionally abusive, and I want to know how I can stop blaming myself for her actions. Whenever she does something to hurt me, I convince myself it's because I'm a terrible daughter who deserves that kind of treatment, even if I haven't done anything wrong, because that's how she always made it out to be. But even now that I'm more aware her actions are wrong, I still have a hard time not blaming myself.
When you grow up with an abusive parent, it is very likely that you will internalize problematic moral lessons and values in terms of what constitutes “care”, “love”, and a “healthy” relationship. Abusers use their position of power to keep their victims ignorant, which is particularly effective on children because they have no other frame of reference for comparison. It is very easy for parents to take over a child’s emotional life by using emotional rewards and punishments to achieve compliance and obedience; they can turn your moral compass upside down so that their words are “right” and everything else, including your personal beliefs, are “wrong”. Children naturally look up to their parents and want to see the best in them, and the need for validation from them makes you want to defend them even as they behave in ways that you know must be problematic or flat out wrong. Perhaps you even want to help them but you should face the fact that you are not in a position to help because they cannot accept your help without feeling a loss of power. Learning and accepting that your parent is a flawed human being is a normal step in growing up but it can be quite a painful process when they have a history of abusive or destructive behavior.
It is important to remove yourself from an abusive situation ASAP because, as long as that person is around you, they will continue to influence you and reinforce all those problematic lessons from the past, making it very hard for you to change/improve your outlook on life (and the abuse is likely to escalate the more insecure they feel about you). When you successfully get away psychologically, it will be like emerging from a dark cave into the light, where the world seems much larger and brighter than they painted it to be. When you meet a wider variety of people, you will see that there are many different ways of living and different moral values, some far better than others in terms of promoting personal, emotional, and relational well-being. Knowledge is power and knowing better means that you can do better. When you know what is right, you can stand up for your convictions in the face of someone who is trying to manipulate you. If you are not of age and cannot yet leave home, look for ways to get yourself out of the toxic environment as much as possible by joining emotionally supportive clubs or activities where you can interact with non-abusive people. Work on yourself, learn new things, develop your skills and talents, expand your social network whenever possible - these are the things that will help you become strong and independent enough to escape the negative influences of the past. Many people who fail to escape the cycle of abuse are the people who resign themselves to helplessness and hopelessness.
In terms of dealing with emotions like guilt or shame, it is important to recognize these as natural emotions rather than trying to repress or eliminate them. It is natural to feel love for your parents and to feel guilty when you “disappoint” their expectations. However, growing up means becoming independent, that is, learning to think for yourself about what is right and wrong through observing the world more carefully and reflecting about the kind of life and the kind of world you want to create for yourself. When your mom makes a claim, you should be asking yourself, “Is that really true?”, especially if she is making claims about you, your character, your worth, or the morality of your actions. You should ask yourself what moral values you want to take with you into the rest of your life and possibly pass on to your own children. Are you just going to blindly accept every value that your parents or society push on you, or are you going to fight to be a true individual in carefully thinking about which values are worth internalizing? Reflect on what you owe to yourself and what you owe to your parents, what does it really mean to be a “good daughter” or a “good mother”? Does being a loving daughter mean that you must sacrifice your own psychological well-being to prop up your mother, and would a loving mother ask that of you?
It is natural to feel deeply for the people you care about but you should always check whether feelings are warranted by the facts. You should have a clear idea about what you are or are not responsible for, what you should or shouldn’t feel guilty for, when you should or shouldn’t offer sympathy.
Do you really understand how all individuals ought to be treated in a good and healthy relationship?
E.g. If a healthy relationship involves mutual respect, mutual empathy, and mutual encouragement, then should you be the one to feel guilty if someone violates those values, regardless of how or why they do it? If a healthy relationship involves equal parts of give and take from both parties, then should you be the one to feel guilty if they try to take much more than they should? If someone hurts you on purpose, should you take responsibility for their bad behavior, thus excusing them and burdening yourself for something that is beyond your control? Do you realize that passively accepting other people’s bad behavior is essentially a license for them to continue that behavior? Do you realize that until you move to adequately protect yourself and assert your own needs as equally important in a relationship, a manipulator will keep hounding you simply because they can (since they are dependent on your submission to compensate for their own insecurity)? Think critically and develop more accurate judgments about the world, then you will know how to proceed in the moments when emotions from the past betray you. When you are in danger, you must deal with the reality of the situation, not some empty idea of what you want it to be or what she wants you to be - see your mother and your relationship to her for what it really is and act accordingly.