Well, well, well, look who’s back with the most morally repugnant update in Union history. Me. It’s been a very productive summer of Netflix, chill and giving wrong directions to tourists but all good things must come to an end. Also coming to an end is my ill-fated attempt to kill Max, who, after refusing to eat the cake FOR 2 FUCKING DAYS is finally released from the cage of death. Honestly, I’m impressed, Max, you’re definitely not as stupid as you look.
-Yea, I get that a lot.
I doubt that but whatever, now gtfo and I better not see your Komei-clone ass around Jojo ever again or it’s back in prison for you!
-So, Jojo, not that we’re not all extremely invested in the excruciating selection process of your husband, but are you any closer to picking one?? I mean I love this whole commune thing we have going but the constant food delivery for 8 is killing us.
-We’re afraid not, dear brother, it’s starting to look like no one in this world is worthy of our majesty.
Ugh are we really doing royal ‘we’ now? Is this what this has come to?
-Yes, college has really helped develop our sense of self-worth.
How can it be self-worth if you’re ‘we’?
-This is exactly the kind of idiotic questioning that would get you eliminated from the suitor process.
Oh, perish the thought! And miss out on this classical-music-dick-measuring-contest you have them doing?
-Ew seriously, Francis, Vivaldi? Why don’t you turn up to Justin Bieber while you’re at it.
Man, what a zinger! Good times. JOJO PICK A FUCKING DUDE ALREADY SO I CAN MOVE THE OTHERS OUT THE LOT IS LAGGY AS SHIT
-I lost the dick measuring contest and my punishment is sleeping on the couch.
KILL HIM IN HIS SLEEP MELODY
-Maybe later, Real Housewives of Pleasantview is on, Cassandra is getting dragged for the pigtails!!
-Ha, look at this Vivaldi-listening losér! Point at him and laugh, everyone!
-Who’s laughing now, bitch? Not you with that hoof right in your French-whore mouth!
-Ugh, aren’t you late for the beans-on-toast feast, you limey piece of merde?
Not since the 100 Years War have French-British tensions ran this high. Of course that one was for a throne, while this one..
-Is for something far more important.. Our heart.
LMAO Jojo please be serious, you don’t have a heart.
-We absolutely do and it’s made out of pure gold.
Yea I guess, I mean gold is a metal after all!
-Do you really think you should be eating decaying Chinese food, mon cheri? You’re going to need a soda to digest it and you know it’s too cold for your teeth!
-Wyatt, I don’t pay you to think, I pay you to sit across from me and look pretty, and occasionally to
scooch down next to me so I look taller.
-You actually don’t pay me at all.
-Yes and obviously I’m getting my money’s worth.
Wow Jojo tone it down, your gold heart is shinning so brightly I’m gonna go blind!
Precious Gunther has added three new addictions to his existing sex one! A) working out in this atrocious outfit.
B) blowing bubbles from dawn to dusk.
and c) and the most disturbing one, constantly being alone in enclosed spaces with his brother’s intended, Brit Brit. At first I wasn’t too worried about it, thinking Brit is a popularity sim so it’s only natural..but then..
I SEE THIS. GODDAMMIT GUNTHER WHY MUST YOU HAVE CHEMISTRY WITH EVERYONE
-Man idk, it’s almost supernatural. Blame it on God ;)
UGH I don’t even know who I hate more, your whore ass-
-or this fucking llama that hasn’t gone home in 3 days and is eating all our pizza.
-I just feel so accepted here, like I’m part of the family, you know?
Speaking of furries, not even the cow will approach the fucking cowplant, jfc. I mean you’d expect some kind of kinship there but nop. Great job Jojo, you killed a dozen secret society members for a defective cowplant.
I don’t know which one of you did that but stfu, I can’t anymore with this flop ass household!!!1
ANYWAY back to Brit and Daniel, it seems like my Gunther concerns were baseless, since these two remain eternally into each other, always autonomously doing cute crap.
-Oh Daniel, let me serenade you with the song of your people!
The kings made us drunk with fumes, peace among us, war to the tyrants! Let the armies go on strike, stocks in the air, and break ranks. If they insist, these cannibals on making heroes of us, they will know soon that our bullets are for our own generals ♪
ROMANCE ISN’T DEAD
In other news, allow me to present you all with Melody’s personality panel. I was under the false impression that being the child of Wanda and Stephen she was.. nice?? But nop, total Union freak material! We hit the jackpot once again. Now her best friendship with bitch Brit makes total sense.
-Honestly girl, this janky ass house is such a step down from the sorority, I spend half the day thinking of ways to peace out.
-Ugh I know, I was on the fence at first but can you really put a price on good d?
-Aw, what are my beautiful hens cackling about? May I join?
-I was about to make a math joke but I doubt you gals would get it, amirite? As Barbie said, math is hard!
- I’m a literal math major.
-Oh I know, Mel, good for you! Affirmative action works wonders!
KILL HIM AND HIS HAREM WE DON’T NEED THE LAG
It’s another day in paradise. Daniel has finally cracked and gone full Komei, autonomously cleaning shit even though we have a maid..
Melody ate a ton of burnt grilled cheese and is non-stop throwing up..
AND THIS BULLSHIT IS STILL GOING ON. STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE
-What?? We’re just talking, GAWD
No you’re not “””just talking””” you’re gossiping and doing sexy whispers, I KNOW YOUR TRICKS GUNTHER-
-I don’t mean to interrupt but I think you’re focusing on the wrong issue here?
OH AM I?? DO TELL
-LOOK OUTSIDE BITCH
Nice try whores, nothing is happening outside-
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMM WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. WHAT.
-That’s right, Ti-Ning and I are in love now!
……………………….FRAN THIS BETTER BE SOME DRY ASS BRITISH HUMOR
-Nop! We got tired of waiting for Jojo and we decided the best way to handle it was to suddenly make out in front of him even tho we have never even flirted before!
THIS LITERALLY CANNOT BE HAPPENING
-Well it is, so best accept it and we can all move on :)
Oh yea certainly, I mean if anything Jojo is known for his ability to forgive and forget!
See the ghost of Ti-Ning indeed! Finally a wish Jojo and I share.
TI-NING OMFG THIS LACK OF SHAME
-Haha!!! Finally I’m free to be as gross as I want >:)
Well.. enjoy it while it lasts.
-The hell does that mean??
Nothing, just you know, none of us know when our time will come.. only that it will. The curse of human existence, one might say. Only we among the animal world know that we will die. Memento mori, Ti-Ning. And we will memento you.
-..Yea, maybe it’s time I move out?
I mean, you can try..
..but like the curse from It Follows, it follows. It being Jojo. How you holding up boo?
-Oh, I’m great, can’t you tell?
You know what might help? Some of your beloved homework! Do something useful, get your mind off this stuff..
“Sending The First Human to Mercury and Leaving Him There: A Very Specific Space Exploration Proposal”
-Jojό!! I’m writing about how I finally won your heart but please don’t look, I’m gonna read this at our wedding!
-Yea I literally couldn’t care less about you and your thoughts/feelings/etc, what was left of my heart is dead and gone and now there’s only a black hole there.. Oh we could also send Ti-Ning to a black hole if Mercury doesn’t work. Nice.
-UGH how are you even still alive and breathing the same air as me and not dead from shame like you should be, you vile adulteress???
-OH PLEASE you’re just mad cause Fran and I realized we can do better than your mega-jaw ass. If not for the endless supply of bubbles around here blurring our vision this would have happened weeks ago!
-I’m going to strangle you in your sleep and my jaw will be the last thing you see.
-Your jaw would be the last thing I saw even if I died on the moon.
-MAYBE YOU WILL
…………………well I guess it’s official then. And if the above didn’t seal it..
..this definitely did. God have mercy on me, what a shitshow.
While Tin and Fran are woohooing, Jojo attempts to end his troubles once and for all by running out of the house and into a thunder fire. Thankfully the rain puts it out quickly and all we’re left with is critically low hygiene.
Man, serving Penguin teas! You have the entire look down, Jo. I’d tell you to audition for Gotham but that’s extremely bad career advice
-Oh god, I almost died!!!!
Aw I know, but don’t worry you’re safe now <3
-No I mean I came so close but didn’t make it.. :(
Jojo please, if anything, live to kill Ti-Ning and Francis. You owe it to yourself.
As soon as Fran and Tin are done, guess who rushes in to gossip next to the bed. ISTG YOU ASSHOLES, BREAK IT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I THROW YOU OUT THAT WINDOW
-Whatever, we’d just land on Jojo trying to set himself on fire.
-LOL oh Brit you’re so funny!
I HATE THIS HOUSE
-HAD FUN, DID WE YOU SLUT
-Get him, Jojό!
Honestly Wyatt, I get being supportive but I’m really starting to worry about you, even demeaning yourself has its limits..
..especially since Jojo continues to be a massive freakshow. Good lord.
-Oh Francis, don’t tell Wyatt cause you know how he gets, but your total disregard for my existence is making me see you in a whole new, hot, light..
Man, good thing Wyatt isn’t standing 3 steps away from you!
Oh yes, loving this dinner. An ocean between us..
-I wouldn’t eat that third slice if I was you, Ti-Ning. Your funeral day is fast approaching, don’t you want to look nice for it?
-Well you’ll be there so it doesn’t matter, everyone will be looking at your jaw.
Yes, what a wonderful night. Now let’s all go to bed and hopefully everyone will have calmed down a little by tomorrow!
LMAO yea idk what I was thinking.
-Strangle me in my sleep? How about I strangle you in broad daylight???
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but.. poor Jojo. Not only did he get his ass beat, but to literally add insult to the injury-
-everyone is lusting after Gunther during his defeat. Jfc, I’d want to set myself on fire too.
Oh here we go, Gunther to the rescue!
-How dare you beat up my brother even though he attacked you first? Prepare to die!
-Whatever, I’ve been preparing for that for the last couple days!
Aw, Gunther is such a good brother/giant loser depending on the outcome of this fight.
VINDICATION. Bravo, Gunther, defending our non-existent family honor!
Daniel, in true Daniel fashion, slept through this entire shitshow, which might be the smartest thing he’s ever done.
Oop, spoke too soon. Say what you want about Gunther and Daniel but man do they both love Jojo! Truly god knows why.
-So Brit, you’re studying poli-sci, can you think of a peaceful resolution to this? Haha!
-YOU STFU TI-NING MY FINALS ARE TODAY MY GPA IS ALREADY IN THE TOILET AND NOW IM GONNA FLOP CAUSE YOU ASSHOLES SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT FUCKING AND THE WHOLE DAY FIGHTING AND I HAVEN’T SLEPT AT ALL DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL I’M GONNA BURN THIS PLACE TO THE FUCKING GROUND IF YOU TRY ME
Well, you might not need to Brit! WHAT IS UP WITH THIS HYPER-FLAMMABLE CACTUS
Brit returns from her finals with a free pizza! How’d you do, Brit?
-Saved by the nightie again!
NOICE. Got a freebie pizza from it too?
-No, I found it in the garbage. My gift to Francis and Ti-Ning for their 3 day anniversary!
Jojo’s official greek house portrait coming along nicely! Wow he looks very majestic..
..Instagram vs Real Life.
-Bowling is so satisfying if you pretend the pins are your former lovers’ genitals!
Whatever coping method works for you boo!
Gunther and Ti-Ning are officially enemies which is hilarious because not even Jojo is enemies with him?? Follow your bliss, Guns!
In an impressive display of brotherly synchronicity we have double slapping across the room. Double the slapping for half the time, Jojo is as always a true capitalist.
JOJO!! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WON! So proud of my baby <3 I’m ofc kidding, this shit has gotten old really fast and I extremely feel Brit watching uninterested. ENOUGH
HARD MOOD. Brit is honestly on another level than the rest of us basics. What an icon.
For some reason I bothered to fulfill Ti-Ning’s want to learn that relationship maintenance or w/e lifetime skill (talk about money down the drain) and the irony of this pop up text almost sent me to an early grave. And we know who’s going to an early grave today..
IT’S CAKE TIME. REACH OUT, TI-NING. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT
FINALLY. GOODBYE FIGHTING AND INSANE LAG
JESUS JOJO. STONE. COLD.
Ice Cube would like to say, that I’m a crazy muthafucka from around the way, since I was a youth, I smoked weed out, now I’m the muthafucka that ya read about, takin’ a life or two, that’s what the hell I do, you don’t like how I’m livin well fuck you ♪
Wyatt and Brit were on their way to react to Ti-Ning’s little accident but somehow got sidetracked and are now randomly arguing on the porch. Honestly I don’t even know what’s going on anymore, I’ve lost all control of this household.
Jojo rushes over to celebrate Ti-Ning’s demise by immediately slapping the shit out of his grieving lover! Whenever you think we can’t possibly sink any lower, think again. Like right now, after the slapping, are you thinking we can’t sink any lower?????????????????????????????
ARE YOU SCREAMING? CAUSE I DID
YUP THIS IS HAPPENING
IT’S. REAL. THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH CURSE WORDS IN ANY LANGUAGE TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS
FUCK YOU FRANCIS. FUCK. YOU. YOU’RE GETTING MURDERED SO FUCKING HARD YOU UNBELIEVABLE ASSHOLE. I’M FUCKING DONE. JOJO YOU’RE GONNA DIE ALONE TIME FOR ALL OF US TO ACCEPT THAT REALITY. WE STARTED OUT WITH 3 CANDIDATES AND ENDED UP HERE. HOW THE EVERLOVING FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN FRANCIS AND WYATT HAVE. 1 BOLT. ONE. WYATT IS A FAMILY SIM I’M SO PISSED OFF I NEED TO TAKE A MOMENT
OK. In my 10 years of playing I have never wanted to quit without saving more than with this bullshit. Look at fucking Fran’s smug ass face and moron Wyatt putting on an Oscar worthy performance of shock and regret. YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID NO, YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE HOME WYATT. What the FUCK are we gonna do now???? I guess good thing Max Flexor survived the cage of death. GOD.DAMMIT