monster in your closet

this is the thing no one tells you about monsters
about real monsters
they don’t lurk in your closet
or hide under your bed
but they still manage to come out of the shadows when you least expect them to
they don’t live in darkness
they don’t thrive in the nighttime
real monsters walk around in broad daylight
unaffected by the burn of the sun
they don’t need to hide in the shadows
they stalk
and they prey
while it’s still light out
so they can see you better

no one tells you that real monsters don’t look like monsters
because their fangs are hidden behind soft smiles
and their claws are hidden behind warm touches
real monsters hide behind bright eyes
and dimples
and messy hair
real monsters look like the boy you’ve known since second grade
real monsters look like your neighbor who greets you on your way to school every morning
real monsters look like your babysitter
real monsters look like police officers
real monsters look like someone you should have been able to trust
they look like someone you did trust once
they look like someone who broke that trust the same way they broke you

real monsters will rip you to shreds with the same hand that once held yours
real monsters will smother you with the same arms that once hugged you
real monsters will sink their teeth into you and suck all of your blood out of your body until there is nothing left
until you are nothing
and they will leave you rotting on the floor
knowing that no one will come to help
they will watch you die
watch as they slowly kill you
they will cover your corpse with traces of them that only you can see
so you can never prove that they killed you in the first place
real monsters are not convicted
real monsters are never convicted
real monsters will convince a jury that they did nothing wrong
real monsters will smile as the judge says “not guilty”
knowing that those two words killed you even more than they ever could
real monsters roam the streets knowing that they have won
knowing that they will see the inside of you once again before they ever see the inside of a jail cell
real monsters are so scary that they make you wish the boogeyman really did live under your bed
instead of right down the hall
—  m o n s t e r s
(cc, 2017)
The last vestige of childhood is fear. The moment when the monster leaves your closet and is birthed into the world around you is the day you are no longer a child.
—  Excerpt from a book I’ll never write.

With PTSD, the trauma never ends. You live in this cycle of avoiding triggers, getting triggered, having flashbacks, breaking down, trying to survive, and then it starts all over.
With CPTSD and/or repressed memories, it’s even worse because the trauma literally never stops. You can think you’ve turned a corner, you’re getting close to a break through, or you’re having a good week, and BAM, a new traumatic memory that you never knew existed demands to be heard. You live in constant fear of turning around and finding out that the monsters in your closet have reproduced and created a fleet that will continue to devour you for the rest of you life.
I live in constant fear of good days, of better moments, of break throughs. Because usually, that just means another monster is getting ready to charge around the corner.

Little Sister

Paring - Stiles x Sister Reader

Word count - 1,974

Request by anon - Hello!! I was wondering (if you have the time & if you are still taking requests) If you can write an imagine where you’re Stiles sister and being there for him when he is having his MRI. Being very distraught and sad and angry. Sheriff Stilinski (dad) having to calm the reader down? Basically during the part where they’re at hospital. (Episode Riddled, Season 3)

(I changed it up a little, I didn’t just base it off ‘Riddled’

Your father was the best man you’d even know. He was always there for you, even when his job kept him busy, he would make it home for the night to make sure you and your brother were in bed and fed. He made sure the two of you knew just how loved you were. He scared the monsters from your closet and you loved to brag that your father was the sheriff.

He learned the tricks of how to tie up a pony tail, how to do braids and how to do all different hair styles all for you. He drove you everywhere, you had him wrapped around your little finger but no only that drove him to be the best father he possible could. He just loved you and your brother immensely.

However, he had to do it all alone, while making a living and still being around to watch the pair of you grow up. You knew that he had been struggling lately but you didn’t know how to help, with all the supernatural things going on and school, you didn’t have time for a job. With all the hospital bills piling up, it was hard for your father to pay that along with phone bills, food and everything that you needed as a family.

And now, Stiles had gone to Melissa and when she had checked his symptoms against those of your mother, they had to have him booked for an MRI and MRI’s aren’t cheap. You all knew it had to be done though, Stiles needed it.

You prayed and prayed it was just stress and exhaustion, that it wasn’t frontotemporal dementia, the only form of Dementia that could affect teens, the very thing that took the life of your mom. There was no cure and you couldn’t loose your brother.

Your mind was reeling as you stood, waiting for Scott to be done wishing your brother good luck, you had tuned out their conversation almost the minuet it started, too busy worrying about the life of your twin brother, only older by a mere few minuets.

You felt Scott’s hand on your shoulder as he walked by you, allowing you some time with Stiles. That’s when you let your tears fall. He slid of the bed like thing that he would soon have to lie on to get his scan done and pulling you into his arms, letting your tears wet his hospital gown slightly. “It’s gonna be okay” he whispered, placing a kiss on the top of your head. He was a few inches taller than you, though he loved to use it to his advantage.

“What if it’s not Stiles, I cant loose you!!” you exclaimed, pulling away, your teary eyes meeting his big, brown orbs. “If it is, we’ll get through it. You can’t get rid of me that easy”. Only Stiles could make a joke minuets before an MRI that would determine the future of him and everyone he knew. You hugged him tight once again, squeezing each other so tightly as if it were the last time you would see each other.

“It’s Time Stiles” the doctor said through the speaker, signalling that it was your time to leave. He kissed your head once more and wiped the tears from your face with the pads of his thumbs. “I love you, baby sister” he whispered, a smile pulling at the corners of your lips at the nickname he had used so many times. “I’m only younger by four minuets and fifteen seconds” you remarked. “And I Love you too, big brother”

You tried to stop the tears flowing down your cheeks and you and Scott walked into the waiting room, his arm around your shoulder. You were accompanied in the waiting room by Derek also. “You know if it is what they think it is, we can help him, I can help him” Scott told you, causing Derek’s head to turn and look at Scott in surprise. “You’d really do it, you’d give him the bite” you mumbled in astonishment, now that you hadn’t thought of nor expected to come out of Scott’s mouth.

“He’s my best friend and he’s your brother. I wouldn’t let him die, he means to much to us all” Scott told you, his eyes telling you he was wholly and completely telling the truth.

You all sat in complete silence until your dad, Melissa and the doctor burst out the room, informing you that Stiles was gone, he had simply just vanished without a trace. You couldn’t sleep that night, not knowing where he was or if he was safe or even alive was killing you. You tossed and turned the whole night.

You slapped your hand over your blaring alarm, planning on drinking as much caffeine as you could, you were running on that today due to the fact you hadn’t had a wink of sleep.

“Sleep well honey” you dad asked when he heard you trudging into the kitchen. “Didn’t sleep at all” you mumbled before adding, “What about you” with a yawn. “Me neither sweetheart” he replied softly, turning to look at you. “I’m worried daddy” you whimpered, your tears brewing in your eyes once again. You hated crying so much but everything you were dealing with right now was crushing you.

“Me too honey, me too” He mumbled in response, letting you cry against his chest, your tears soaking his uniform as he rubbed your back and tried to calm your sobs.

“Hey, we know Stiles, he always shows up safe, he’s Stiles, our Stiles always finds his way back” he said, his voice sounding sure. You pulled away and wiped your tears, nodding in agreement. You still couldn’t help but miss home,  he was the only constant in your life really, your father had work and you couldn’t blame him for that, he had to work to provide for you and Stiles.

Leaving you and Stiles with a sitter most of the time, he often had to change babysitter because of the trouble you two caused. You were often referred to as double trouble when you were together, reeking havoc through the station when your dad couldn’t find a sitter.

The two of you were scarily smart for such young children and no matter how much the pair of you got into trouble, everyone who came into contact with you when you were children, couldn’t help but love you because you always brought smiles to faces.

It had been you two against the world for long, with the exception of Scott being an important part, it had just been the two of you for much of your lives and that had driven you to be best friends as well as siblings. You knew Stiles wouldn’t hesitate to save you or die trying and he knew you would do the same for him.

“You’re mother would be so proud of you. Without you, I have no idea where I would be sweetheart, She would be so proud of how strong you are, how you’re handling this. She would be proud of Stiles too, both of you and how you’ve coped with everything, saving lives of people you don’t even know, you’re only young and you’ve probably saved more people than me” he told you. Thinking about your mother was something you did often, you always wondered if she would have been proud of you and to hear that your dad thought she would be actually soothed you.

“She’d be proud of you too dad, she’d be proud of all of us. You could have easily left us to go and drink, you could have ended up like Mr Lahey, but you didn’t, you made sure we knew how loved we were, she would be beyond proud of you and who you raised us to be. We are who we are because of you dad” you told him, watching as he tried not to cry.

He drove you to school in the cop car and told you Parrish would be picking you up and taking you to the station because he would be out looking for your brother and he wanted you to safe. Just as you were getting out the car, he called your name. “I’m proud of you y/n, just as much as your mother would be” you shot him a smile and told him you loved him, shutting the door and waving as you walked away. You didn’t see him wipe his eyes, look up at the sky and mutter “My god Claudia, you would have loved how your baby girl turned out, We still miss you but we know you would be proud”

During the day, Stiles showed up and you were overjoyed, he was safe and alive. Though, he was acting weird, he didn’t feel like Stiles, he just felt different.

No matter how much he didn’t feel like Stiles, you knew he wasn’t crazy and you knew he’d never hurt you. If you had known his next move, you wouldn’t have agreed with your father to spend the night with his favourite deputy. Your dad had told you he was going to get Stiles help and you were okay with that, however you knew you couldn’t be there, so your father, the Sheriff, had asked one of Deputies, Jordan Parrish, whom he trusted with his life, to take the day off and take you out to distract you.

He had told you that Jordan would be taking you out ice skating then for a meal after then you had to stay at his overnight because Stiles had an appointment and he wanted to spend a bit of alone time with him, father and son time and you were fine with that, you didn’t mind at all, that was until you received a text from Stiles.

He knew he shouldn’t have done it, it was selfish of him but he also knew he would be allowed a phone call until after 72 hours, three days was too long to wait to tell you he loved you and he would miss you, he couldn’t go three days without apologising for not telling you that he was going to Eichen House.

Jordan had just called the waiter for the check, you weren’t going to Lie, you had a good night with him, the highlight being when one of the waitresses asked how long the two of you had been together, causing hysterical laughing from both you and Parrish, who was almost ten years older than you, you saw him as a brother figure.

You phone pinged and you lifted it, typing in the passcode and opening your messages to see it was from Stiles.

“We lied” one read

“I’m so sorry” another said

“I love you, I’m not allowed any contact for the first seventy two hours so I just had to tell you that I will love and miss you, take care of yourself, little sister.” the last one read.

Stiles’ hands were shaking so hard he almost didn’t see the bubble telling him you were typing. They were on their was to Eichen House and Stiles was worrying, he felt so incredibly selfish for telling you, he hadn’t wanted you to know until he was in, he had his dad to be there when you found out.

“Stiles what’re you talking about. Where the hell are you” Stiles read off the screen, running his hand over his face and sighing shakily.

“Eichen House” he typed, hitting the send button and slightly regretting texting you, he could almost see your broken look when you read that, he just couldn’t bare the thought of hurting you or any of his friends. However you couldn’t bare the thought of your brother rotting in there, you couldn’t let him.

You can’t quit me.

You know you can’t baby. I’m your drug. My very existence makes you want me, makes you want to love me. You keep telling yourself that it’s wrong to love me. That it’s wrong to love a monster. But no worry’s love because even if you say you don’t want me I’ll still be waiting for you. I’ll be your shadow. I’ll be the eyes you see in the darkness of your room when you wake up screaming from having yet another nightmare. Nightmares about me. Hell I’ll even hide under your bed if I have to. Because I can’t quit you the same way you can’t quit me

You are my innocent little Angle while I am the Monster that hides in your closet.

One day,
a little girl asked me
if I believed in monsters.

I smiled.
I then grabbed the truth
by its collar,
I wrestled it to the ground,
tucked it deep
underneath my arm
and I said,
“Love, you know monsters aren’t real.”

And it’s times like this,
where I wish that my sentences
came with receipts so
I could take back my words.

I wasn’t being completely honest.

When I spoke to her
I almost choked on a secret
that has been stapled
to the inside of my throat
for longer than I can remember.
Not only do I believe in monsters,
but I’ve seen them whisper themselves into existence.

I heard they carve nightmares
into the eyelids of the innocent
and linger in dark corners
preying on the unsuspecting.
Somehow,
they’ve figured how to crawl through
8 millimeter film
and walk backwards into the dreams
of those who’ve never been afraid to sleep.

I believe in monsters the same way I believe in oxygen.

So how big is your closet?
How much space is underneath
the beds you shake in the middle of the night?
You are a vampire.
A werewolf in sheep’s clothing.
You swallow halos and spit out nooses.
How can I not believe in monsters,
when I see men like you,
walking with your knuckles scraping against the concrete?
You stand perched on the screams of assaulted women
and squeeze into costumes
that fool the public into thinking you’re human.
How dare you have the audacity to impersonate me?

How dare you pretend
as though there isn’t a woman out there
scrubbing the inside of her thights
until they turn stop sign red
trying to erase your fingerprints from her skin?
How dare you believe your blood is just as blue as mine?
When you speak
I can small Dante’s Inferno on your breath.

I’ve spent the last three months
trying to figure out how you escaped from hell
and wasted too many nights
thinking of painful ways I can send you back.
I carved galaxies in the back of my throat
just to make your world easier for me to swallow
but I can’t stand the taste of your behavior.

Every time you cross my path
I get the urge to tie you to a chair,
cover you in gasoline
and set your body on fire.

I am no Van Helsing
but I’ve seen enough horror movies
to know how to get rid of you.

But I know even if I killed you,
there are still millions of monsters out there.
Pretending to be men.

—  Rudy Francisco, “Monster”
Shadow on the Run

In light of it being FenHawke AU week - figure I should do a slight bit of self promotion. 

Shadow on the Run is a late-Victorian era re-imagining of Dragon Age 2, focusing on Fenris and Hawke in their hunt to take down Danarius. Vampires, werewolves, witches and more, along with art from the marvelously talented @saa-pandaleon

There are monsters that hide under your bed, in your closet, under the stairs. Those things that go bump in the night? They wait around the corner. If only you had someone to protect you.

Come check it out on AO3!

Cheers! <3

You called me ’baby
like flicking on a light switch,
something quick and easy that you knew
you could do to brighten up the room.
But I am sick of sleeping with the lights on,
because you were afraid of the monster in
your closet, and I was afraid that it already
climbed into bed with us, or that I had
been the monster all along.
—  Kevin Kantor, “Honest Confessions on Letting Go”
Good Night Phone Calls

• “Are you all tucked in and ready for bed, Panda?”
• “Do you have your jammies on?”
• “Did you brush your teeth?”
• “Did you remember to go potty?”
• “Which stuffie are you sleeping with tonight, lovely?”
• “Have sweet dreams, Little One.”
• “Remember that Mommy loves you always.”
• “Tell all your stuffies goodnight for me.”
• “No baby, there’s no monsters under your bed or in your closet. I put special monster repellent in your room.”
• “No you cannot stay up, it’s past your bedtime already.”
• “The faster you go to sleep the faster I get to see you tomorrow.”
• “Goodnight baby. I love you more than anything in the world.”

You are a child who used to be afraid of the monsters hiding in your room. Now, you’re just a annoyed child who is tired of the monster under your bed arguing with the closet monster.