emelia-lion-calypso asked:

I'm trying to figure out my romantic relationship orientation. And if you want to, I'd love your thoughts/help c: . I think I'd be comfortable with polyamory (especially romantic open relationships). It makes a lot of sense to me and I like the idea. But I think I'm also comfortable with monogamous relationships. But I've never been in a romantic relationship before (17 w/dreaded social anxiety). Should I try out both before I make the decision? Can I identify as both polyamorous & monogamous?

I hate to sound cliche here, but you just have to go with what feels right! If you start a relationship by saying, “Well, this is monogamy crossed off my list, next is polyamory!” it could potentially cause some problems. I always liked the idea of, rather than finding a distinct label for yourself, viewing yourself on the spectrum with 1 being “Strictly Monogamous” and 100 being “Strictly Polyamorous”. You don’t have to find an exact number, but it’s nice to know that you don’t have to be one OR the other. When you find yourself in your first romantic relationship, make sure you build the communication and honesty strongly. Tell them that you think about open relationships. Ask them what they think and if they would ever consider the idea. If they won’t, you get to decide whether or not to stay with them in that relationship dynamic or if you want to move on and find another one. I understand that that might trigger anxiety and I can relate. But, the one thing I have learned is that the anxiety of being honest is a lot easier to handle than the anxiety of hiding yourself from someone you care for. 

I have been happy in monogamous relationships. Mind you, I felt unfulfilled and I didn’t know why. When I found polyamory, I was excited. But, I have had bad experiences that made me question it all. I got scared and almost went back to being unhappy for the safety. But, on the other hand, I also have had friends who have tried polyamory and realized that monogamy was what fit them better. I have had friends who are happy in their monogamish relationships. My point is, that you have to do what’s right for you.

It’s your life. You can identify as whatever you want. You can still be a poly person even if you are in a committed monogamous relationship. You can be monogamous and date a polyamorous person. You can identify as polyamorous and realize that you aren’t anymore and visa versa. Identities can be fluid and some aren’t permanent. Just because they may change does not invalidate how you feel and who you are. Only you can decide what is right for you. Be open minded, be honest, and be open, and see where life, and new relationships, take you!


Because we live in such a monogamy-centered society, it makes sense that many people can only conceive of non-monogamy in what ultimately still amounts to monogamous terms. There is a common misconception that a polyamorous relationship is really no different from an open-relationship agreement: one committed couple, with some lighthearted fun on the side. But the word “polyamory,” by definition, means loving more than one. Many of us have deeply committed relationships with more than one partner, with no hierarchy among them and no core “couple” at the heart of it all. To me, this notion that there must be one more important relationship, one true love, feels a lot like people looking at same-sex couples and thinking that one person must be the “man” in the relationship and the other must be the “woman.” After all, both of these misunderstandings result from people trying to graft their normative conceptions of love and relationships onto people who are partnering in non-normative ways. It seems that it is somewhat easy for many people to acknowledge that humans are capable of loving one person and still enjoying sex with others (assuming, of course, that the terms of their relationship make such behavior acceptable). But it is much harder for people to think outside the fairy-tale notion of “the one” and imagine that it might be possible to actually romantically love more than one person simultaneously.

Monogamy was first introduced to the world in 1999 when Britney Spears asked her childhood friend, Justin Timberlake, to be romantically involved with her exclusively. This experimental relationship lasted until 2002 and ultimately inspired Timberlake to commit to monogamy for a lifetime with his wife, Jessica Biel. Since its inception, monogamy has become one of the most popular forms of romantic involvement in the world and is considered a prerequisite for reproduction in many cultures.

Yeah I’m a little tired of the “poly people won’t shut up about polyamory” meme.

Monogamous people talk about monogamy constantly, they just never have to name it. It’s the default. It’s assumed. It needs no explanation or defense.

Really tired of the idea that if a monogamous and a nonmonogamous person get together, the nonmonogamous person should automatically compromise and be monogamous. 

Destroy the idea that monogamy is the default.

Have conversations about what relationship is best for you and your partner(s) all the time. Keeping having that conversation. 

Stop privileging monogamy.

To my mono fellows who are in a relationship with poly/nonmonogamous folks

You have to let go of your monogamous way of thinking if you want your relationship to be a happy one. Seriously.

Your lover dating other people doesn’t mean that they love you less. Your lover not being romantically and/or sexually exclusive to you doesn’t mean that you are not good enough for them.

Remember that your lover is not doing this to hurt you, but also don’t feel bad for being jealous. Be honest to your significant other about your less pleasant feelings. Talk to them and ask for reassurance. They will be happy to provide it.

If nothing helps and you’re really hurting, gently break up. Poly relationships are not for everyone and that’s okay. Not being able to accept polyamory in your life doesn’t make you a horrible person. Life is too short and hard for you to subject yourself to unnecessary pain.

anonymous asked:

my friend's girlfriend cheated on them and was caught. My friend is clearly breaking up with her but her entire rhetoric is "It's my body and I do what I want with it. You don't own me". My friend was completely unable to find a come-back to that logic without some weird confrontation about sexual exclusivity and it got me thinking too. They are already broken up for about 2 weeks now but when I try to re-simulate the situation to myself I wouldn't know how I'd handle it either.

Cheating isn’t wrong because your partner owns your body and gets to decide when you have sex, it’s wrong because you’re breaking an agreement you made with your partner.

Monogamy is an agreement that people in a relationship should talk about openly and explicitly and decide on together without pressuring each other. If people haven’t agreed to be monogamous, having sex with someone else isn’t “cheating”. If people have agreed not to have sex with others outside the relationship, it’s wrong to break that agreement, just like it’s wrong to break any other agreement you make with your partner.

Like any other agreement, some people will think this is very serious and others won’t mind as much, but it’s still important to keep any agreements you make with your partner unless and until you inform them that you don’t plan to keep that agreement anymore.

It’s not kind or respectful to sneak around and not allow your partner to make decisions about the relationship based on current information instead of old agreements they assume you’re still keeping.

It’s not polyamory, but I am happy to see “monogamish” grow in both popularity and acceptance.

It’s another example of people saying “You know what? We can define how our relationship is supposed to work for us.” People realizing that the people whose opinions matter about their relationships are the people they’re in the relationships with.