so church today was interesting. i didn’t really go in expecting to get much out of sacrament meeting, but God has a long track record of proving me hopelessly wrong.
i have a little journal i use that i write down promptings i get during church because usually the spirit is telling me things that are unrelated to what the speaker is saying. so it was today. i was listening to the first talk - i don’t remember what charles was talking about - but what i wrote in my book was entirely unexpected:
“‘lift up your heart and rejoice.’ your mission is here.
i spent the second hour wondering why. i was so confused. why would all of this happen if i weren’t supposed to go to arizona for grad school? why is this happening? this is everything i’ve ever wanted, so why now? why???
our lesson got out ten minutes early, and i talked to lisa in that time. she reasoned with me, and told me her experience about grad school. she said there might be something that will happen that i need to be around for to help with that i wouldn’t be able to if had i been in arizona. i won’t know what will happen until either God tells me, or it happens. until then i just don’t know. that helped me feel a little better.
and then miriam’s lesson today was about faith. i wrote down in my book to have faith that everything will work out for my good and that it’ll be okay. i immediately felt better.
but despite that, it still hurts a little bit. i mean, it /is/ everything i’ve wanted. it’s got one of the country’s best security and intelligence studies program that i’ve been accepted to. it’s got a space physics program. it’s got a flight school. it’s everything i’ve ever wanted.
but that doesn’t matter. what matters is God has a plan for me that i can’t see right now. and i won’t know it until it’s either revealed to me by personal revelation or by the reason coming to pass and my seeing it. i won’t know. but i have faith that He’ll make everything okay. He knows best, and i just think i know what i want. so i’m handing it over to Him. i’m handing over my heart to Him. in the meantime, i’m going to try to build that faith i’m going to need in order to be okay with this.
so please, pray for me. i’m trying.
(i also got to talk to ian more today and he’s still adorable and sweet and wonderful. it’s nice to just talk casually to him instead of making a production about it. i like that he’s chill. he’s nice. and wonderful.)