It’s been a long time since I’ve used Count Blogula in any
sort of blog format, but I’m in a mood. I went to bed in a mood, I woke up in a
mood, and usually the only way I can shake off a mood is to talk about it. I’ve
talked about it, and lo and behold, the mood is still here, kicking and
screaming. So I’m writing about it.
I know my reputation. I’m the Cyborg Queen. I have a black
soul and a mechanical heart. When you send me your questions, my answers are
honest and to the point. I don’t coddle, I don’t sugar coat, and I certainly
won’t tell you what you want to hear just to make you feel better. Because of
this, people assume I’m cold. Fuck, people assume a lot about me
solely based on my vlogs. I get it. I understand where it comes from. But a lot
of it is inaccurate.
In reality, I’m not all that uncaring. I just don’t show
my affection verbally. I’m not the person who will shower you in meaningless
praise, because it’s exactly that—meaningless. If I’m going to help someone,
it’s through my actions: favors, gifts, advice, assistance. I believe the best way to help a person is to actually help them—to spend my time
doing something that will make their life easier. This, to me, is
where real affection lies. Actions speak louder than words.
I’m especially passionate about this when it comes to my
fellow writers. I know how it feels to be alone with your writing, to have zero
support, zero guidance. I know firsthand how daunting the writing journey can
be, and I know how much harder it is when you’ve got no one in your corner. So
I take it upon myself to be in other writers’ corners. I answer their questions, I lend them my research, I read their material, I critique it. I do
this shit all the fucking time, even when it conflicts with my very intense
schedule, and I especially extend myself for people I consider friends. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’m too accommodating. And I don’t
know why I do this, because half the time, I regret it.
I’m well aware that this is my fault for expecting decency
out of people in the first place. I’ve been in this world long enough to know
that, when given the option, a lot of people will choose selfishness over
kindness. I know this, yet I’m still disappointed. I have beta read a writer buddy’s manuscript, only for her to attempt to sabotage my own beta process to “get
back at me” for negative criticisms. I’ve been the person more than a few
acquaintances consistently come to for advice, only for them to
disappear when I’m the one in need. I’ve given a free line-edit to a writer-acquaintance,
only for her to send hate mail to my ask box. I’ve spent countless
hours giving advice, critiques, and promos, only to be snubbed when the tables
turn. And of course, I have had people try to warm up to me simply so they can
go around social media dropping my name and claiming to be my PIC.
I realize at this point I’m whining, and making this
post public is probably ill-advised. I’m just in a mood. When I do nice shit
for people, I don’t expect to be rewarded, just appreciated.
If I come around needing assistance, I think it’s fair to want the same
kindness that I offered up in the first place. And at the very least, I expect loyalty.
Is there a point to this post? Not really. I just
needed the release. Cliff and I have had long talks about this, and everything
he’s said is right. As my platform continues to grow, my personal social circle will continue to shrink. I’m okay with that. I just wish these people would stop
contacting me all sweet-like after they’ve knowingly given me the middle finger. It’s insulting.
Anywho, I apologize for this post. It’s super unprofessional, I know that. I guess I’m still
adjusting to everything that comes with this platform, including the phonies.
Thanks to everyone who has supported me thus far and been in my corner no matter what.
EDIT: For those who are unsure, my disappointment is directed toward writers I know in my personal life, not my fans/followers. I’m talking about former friends.
I gonna say moedits ! She’s follow me since almost the beggining of this blog and she’s the person that I see the most of my dash, always likes my imagines. She never really talk to me and me neither but I’m glad to have her in my followers.