mobster au everything

anonymous asked:

That's amazing! Bill chasing Chuck with a bat is my favorite part. What about Webgott? How did Lieb found and woo good collage boy? With his tats?

Bill chases Chuck around the car with the bat. It’s like one of those bad comedy movies where they keep running circles around a single vehicle. Babe is inside trying to put his pants on going “Bill, CALM DOWN” 

Don’t fucking tell me to calm down!

Don Malarkey is walking down the street. He sees one of his best friends chasing one of his other friends, who is completely naked, around a car. He keeps walking. 


Webster! My awkward coconut son. Much like real life Webster, AU Webster believes that he needs to be gritty and suffer to improve his art. He doesn’t join the army, obviously. Instead he buys a crappy apartment, despite the fact he can afford a really nice one in a better part of town on the allowance his parents give him. He frequents the dive bar at the corner. He is super dedicated to this. i need you to understand the extreme level of idiotic hipster that Webster sinks to.

Joe lives on that street and goes to that bar because he’s been doing there since he turned 21 and he is not having the gentrification. He is not!

There was no wooing. They got into a fight at the bar. Argument actually. Neither of them remember what it was about. Chuck says Webster asked a slightly dense and very inappropriate question about the typo in one of Joe’s tattoos (he gets them from a buddy and not all of them are well done).

Anyway the point is they are shouting at each other and the bartender is like “leave ding bats” so they go out on the street and instantly start making out. 

They go back to David’s apartment and have very athletic hate sex. In the morning Joe teases him about the dumb hipster decorating choices. ( “Why is a ladder nailed to your wall?” “Its a cheap book shelf.” “It’s fucking dumb.”) And they have another fight, this time Joe leaves.

But neither of them stop going to the bar. Because they both like that dumb bar.

It turns into a regular thing. They drink. They yell. They have sex. They repeat.

Finally someone says to Joe “why don’t you bring your boyfriend to the bbq?” and Joe just is like “FINE!” and invites Webster. They have each other’s numbers by now, from that time Joe locked David out without his phone and then made him beg to be let back in. (THEY HAVE MANY SHENANIGANS)

So Joe brings Webster to a family thing and introduces him as his boyfriend and Web is all “wtf is happening to me right now?

and then it keeps happening. and happening. and finally Webster’s like “are you lying to everyone? we aren’t dating!”

and Joe stares at him like “um, yes we are. I read the books you recommend. You know how i like my coffee. We hang out every Saturday and have sex all the time. I know your sister’s name and when her birthday is. We text. I sent you a fucking emoji god damn it.”

Like you don’t understand. Joe Liebgott was so into this crazy hot nerd. He hated the correction on his one tat but was epically turned on by the big words Web kept using. And then just started dating the boy. He never explicitly said “lets date” because at that point he already had six books from the library and was harassing Web about going to the artsy cinema with him. I want to stress how much of a weird Sapiosexiual Lieb is in this universe. 

Anyway. After David figures out that Joe just does shit rather than say something he catches on maybe two days before Joe decides to move him in. “Joe, where did my keys go?” “I go you mine.” “Right, okay. So I’m moving in. Neat.”

They go on dates to fancy or high brow places. Joe makes fun of it while secretly (not. you dork) eating that shit up. David explains things. Joe threatens to push him down in the middle of the museum. “Stop that. We are already banned from the natural history museum for life.”

Chuck “Back when we dated he was not like this.”
Joe “We barely dated. I saw your dick a grand total of three times before you started giving it up to Baby Carrot.
Bill *several rooms away* “WHAT THE FUCK DID HE JUST SAY?

Final Note: (god these are getting out of hand. like the fic did.) The vibrating egg was not remote controlled. Nina nearly died when I told her that Lieb only gave up after hour 5 and took David to the doctor then. He’d been having too much fun before that. 
Nina: “alyse why do you tell me these things when i am trying to edit?
Me: “because i’m awful.

Speirs is the lead from a Bodice Ripper

I blame everyone in the group chat for this but in particular i blame @alexpenkala @jenbarber @webgottmilk because they started clapping when I mentioned this. Of course it’s Speirs/Roe

He tries not to shout when he is thrown roughly onto a horse and the Lord climbs on behind him with no ceremony whatsoever. Gene was trying to be brave because he knew that his tears would do nothing in a situation like this.

The clans had been warring for nearly a year. His father had tried to stay out of it, they were such a small household that there was no way the Speirs clan would consider raiding their lands. Gene had always thought differently. The Roe family land sat on a perfect spot for tactical advance. 

The raid had woken them in the middle of the night. Gene had put his sisters in the cellar and barred the door.

“Where’s the Master of the house?” The tall Scotsman had demanded of Gene.

“His boat left a week ago, I am the eldest.” Gene answered truthfully. The man in front of him would have been breath taking if he hadn’t been holding a sword to Gene’s throat in the middle of the night. 

“Well then young man, it looks like you are my hostage.” The Scot had smiled with the eyes of the devil. “You can call me Lord Speirs.”

Gene would be strong, for his family and for his own pride. He tried not to shiver and the sleeting cold but he was in nothing but his breeches and a shift, the rain soaked his skin freezing. 

“Stop shaking.” Lord Speirs commanded. 

“I cannot.” Gene answered through chattering teeth. They had been riding most of the night to reach Speirs land by morning. “I will catch exposure at this rate.” Gene warned.

“What are you, a healer?” Lord Speirs wondered, even as he opened his plaid to envelop Gene in the warm.

“I am.” Gene confirmed. 

“Well that’s a bonny trade.” Lord Speirs hummed and Gene felt the rumbled through his thin shirt. “Perhaps I should keep you for myself instead of a ransom.”

Gene said nothing. He prayed he would survive this ordeal. If he was strong and distant he would be ransomed and return home to his sisters before the month was ended. He simply needed to ignore the gentle warms of Lord Speirs’ body and voice in that time. 


*makes a series of confused hand motions

I have no idea where that came from but i get the terrible feeling there is more of it waiting for me if i go looking for it.