mister east

An Unexpected Aphrodisiac

This scenario basically happened to my friend in real life five years ago, so I thought I might as well write it for Klaroline (and yes - Oysters winky face - is actually a thing for us now). Plus, I was craving some Lexi snark (aka totally me in this fic).  

Penrose Bar - Upper East Side, Manhattan

Penrose Bar on the Upper East Side was heaving with the Friday night after-work crowd. Klaus was seated at the bar, his eyes firmly trained on the fresh talent entering wondering whether he was in the mood for a blonde or a brunette tonight. A pretty redhead sauntered in and suddenly he wasn’t quite sure what he felt like now.

This was his weekly ritual where Klaus and his younger brother Kol would take up residence at the bar and find their entertainment for the night.

If Klaus was being honest, it was all getting a little tired. Every Friday and every girl seemed to blur into one, Klaus couldn’t even remember the name of last week’s conquest, let alone the rest that came before her. 

Rebekah had given them a stern lecture a few days earlier saying just how tacky and caveman-like the whole practice was. Kol responded that he was more than happy with his caveman status while Klaus chose to stay silent knowing she was right but hell would freeze over before he admitted that to his little sister.

It all began the week after he caught his ex-girlfriend Hayley cheating on him with his former best friend Stefan and Kol had taken him out to let off some steam. Fast forward six months and he was still doing just that. Looking back, Klaus knew he never really loved her but it didn’t stop him from staying as far away from relationships as possible. They were just a disaster waiting to happen. 

His phone beeped, signalling an incoming message. He leaned across the bar lazily, staring at the screen, not quite sure what to make of the foreign number or the unusual message accompanying it. 

“Oysters ; )” 

Kol must have noticed his perplexed expression, leaning over to peek for himself. “You dog! Looks like someone has already organised his fun for the evening.”

 “I did not,” he scowled, pulling the phone away from his nosy brother. Kol’s lack of decorum left a lot to be desired.

“So, how do you explain the suggestive message, Niklaus? This has come and ravage me ASAP written all over it.”

“Kol, I don’t even recognise the number and even if I did, I hate oysters,” he hissed.

“Uh, I think that’s just code…”

“I know that, idiot,” he growled, hitting him on the head. 

“So, what’s the harm in texting back, hey?” 

“Well, for starters common sense,” he scowled. “This could be a sex-starved serial killer for all I know.”

“Woah, is this what I’ve been missing on Friday nights, fellas?” A chirpy voice interrupted, standing between the brothers. “Please continue though, I’m intrigued. Who knew your type was sex-starved serial killer?”

“Do you want to say it any louder, Lexi,” Klaus chided, pulling her closer. “I don’t think they heard you in London.”

“You said it first,” she drawled. 

“What are you even doing here?” He snapped.  

“Well, since you asked so politely boss,” she muttered, rifling through her black satchel. Only Lexi could multi task by looking for something and being snarky at the same time. “I have a legal brief for you to sign.”

“Really, Lexi,” Kol groaned. “You interrupt our night and taint us by association for that?”

“If anyone is tainted here, it’s you, loser,” she shot back. “This needed to be lodged like yesterday.”

“Niklaus, just sign the bloody thing before I have to endure any more unwanted sass from your assistant.” Klaus shook his head. Lexi had worked for him at the firm for five years and she and Kol had been fighting from the very first moment they met. 

Klaus suggested it might be a weird and bubbling attraction but Rebekah informed him without hesitation that she was too smart for Kol. Turns out she’d been right again. 

“Sounds like someone needs to get laid. Oh that’s right, you’re you.”

 “Here you go,” Klaus handed the brief back to her, not expecting Lexi to pull up a stool and take a seat at the bar between them. 

“What?” She demanded, looking between the brothers. “The least you owe me is a cocktail, Mikaelson, given I had to bring this thing to you and miss out on my night with the girls.”

“Any cute ones?” Kol asked, suddenly finding a benefit to her unexpected presence.

“I have no intention of subjecting my friends to you,” she scoffed. 

Klaus gestured the barman madly for service, the one thing he wasn’t in the mood for was more bickering. “So, who’s the serial killer?” Klaus knew she wasn’t going to let this go. Suddenly his phone beeped again, this time only denoting a frowny face.

“What did you do?” Lexi asked, peering over his shoulder.  “Wrong yet another poor woman?”

“Well, not yet anyway,” Kol joked. “Nik here has a secret admirer.”

“I do not, it’s obviously a wrong number.”

“What does she want exactly?”

“Oysters, amongst other things,” Kol grinned, knowingly.

“Charming,” she muttered. “You two really are all class.”

“I haven’t done anything,” he baulked. “Obviously this person has the wrong number. Like I said it could be anyone, probably a guy knowing my luck.”

“Let me see that,” Lexi insisted, stealing his cell from his hand. “No guy uses that many emojis, if any. And last time I checked oysters are an aphrodisiac for men not women.”

“Well, thanks for the explanation,” he muttered. “Can we possibly change the subject?”

“This girl could be the one, Klaus,” Lexi said excitedly, taking a long sip from the gin martini he’d placed in front of her hoping the straw would silence her for a little bit at least. “You need to find out.”

“I can’t believe I’m going to say this,” Kol began, sending Lexi an unimpressed glance. “I agree with Lexi.”

“About being the one?”

“Hell no, the one for right now.”

“Urgh,” Lexi groaned. “Way to ruin the moment.”

“She’s asking for sex, blondie. There’s certainly no moment to ruin Little Miss Pathetic Romance.”

“I am not going to stalk some poor person who has mistakenly texted the wrong number,” he scoffed. 

Before Klaus could react, Kol had grabbed his phone and was typing away gleefully, Lexi standing in Klaus’ way purposefully. “Why is it that when you two decide to unite it isn’t for good but pure evil?”

“You’re just lucky I suppose,” Lexi chuckled, taking a seat. 

“Look, If you’re not going to do anything then I am,” he shot back, hitting the send button and passing it back. “If she’s hot though, I get dibs.”

“And if it does happen to be a guy then so do I,” Lexi offered. 

“But you said it wasn’t a guy, you know too many emojis?” Klaus searched his phone madly for the response, inhaling quickly before reading. 

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