i fell for you. hard. the night we broke up, before we had sex and we were laying in your bed talking i almost told you i loved you. i felt alive when i was with you. i felt unstoppable. time didn’t exist. i was the happiest I had ever been. i would’ve done anything for you. and now it’s gone.
my walls are back up. i can’t help it. my heart just wants to protect itself after all the instances of betrayal, and not just from you. it’s so hard for me to open up to people and now it’s even harder. i don’t want to get hurt again. my heart is tired, i am tired.
i know i told you i was fine. and i project myself as fine so people will stop asking if i’m okay. but i’m not okay. i told you i was fine because i missed seeing your stupid face and talking to you. i miss talking to you so much. laying in your stupid bed for hours and cuddling made the rest of the world disappear. i miss the way your skin felt on mine. your warm chest but always freezing cold hands. i miss holding your hands and pulling them closer to my chest to try and warm them up. i miss your hugs. the way you’d pout your lips whenever you wanted me to kiss you. the way that even if i was having the worst day ever, if i just hung out with you for 10 minutes between classes, everything was all better and it was as if i had never had a bad day in my life before.
i was falling for you and i knew it. i didn’t stop myself because you said we’d be in a relationship someday. and things were going so well once we got back to you that i never saw it coming. you lead me on. you made me believe that i was going to get something out of this. it doesn’t matter when you decided that this isn’t what you wanted, but the fact that you waited to tell me until i had forced it out of you.
i can’t be mad at you for coming to that decision, but i am mad at you for not telling me as soon as you had decided. because if you did truly figure out this isn’t what you wanted over the summer, then why didn’t you tell me right away? why did you keep the relationship-y plans with me and still agree to do them? i know this isn’t a simple conversation to have over text, but you didn’t tell me until i asked. and that hurt me. a lot. it’s been an entire month since our breakup and it still fucking hurts. you’re so fucking stupid for giving up what we had.