miss you 90s figure skating

Every few years I get re-obsessed with the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding incident. I was never a fan of either (Oksana for life. Still mad about Nancy throwing shade at her ) but has there ever been a more perfect walking Lifetime movie biopic than Tonya Harding? You know those girls on facebook who are always indirectly addressing their haters and all the people that need to “say it to (her) face”? Every reality show contestant in a cropped Hot Topic t-shirt and a G-string who has ever said “I’m not here to make friends”? Tonya Harding gave birth to those women. She, along with Amy Fischer, was their original spirit.  Her skatelaces died so they could live.

Where do I begin. The fried peroxide blond hair. The scrunchies (to be fair, we all wore scrunchies. Fuck it, it’s the 90s, you know?) The French braid. The homemade, self-bedazzled costumes. Tonya Harding left no Midwestern mall girl cliche unturned. I have to respect that.

And can we please talk about how there isn’t a proper Tonya/Nancy movie? I mean, yes, there’s “Tonya & Nancy: the Inside Story” and the parody “Attack of the 5 ft. 2 Woman” (which I NEED to see), but I want something big budget and Amy Adams looks too much like Tonya to let this dream go unfulfilled.