miscarriage survivors

Today marks 4 months since my miscarriage. I’m still no where near over it & I really don’t know if I ever will be. Knowing my baby would have been here in 3 months really upsets me. I wonder….would it have been a boy or a girl. Would he/she have gotten daddy’s beautiful blue eyes? Would they have inherited my nose? I wonder so much about what could have been & it eats me alive. I loved that baby so much for the 12 weeks I carried them. I still have trouble eating jalapeno cheese stuff & twizzlers. I craved that stuff like crazy. 

I still remember the exact date I got my positive pregnancy test. February 26th, 2013. I was so happy. As soon as that positive line appeared, I texted my fiance & said “Baby I’m fucking pregnant!!! :D :D :D”. He was excited too. We had been trying for months. 

I still remember the day I was told my baby stopped growing. April 8th, 2013. The day my heart broke. The way I tried to hold in the tears but failed.

A lot of people around me say “I don’t understand why you’re still upset over it? It happened months ago. Let it go.” You don’t understand. You’ve never had a miscarriage. That baby was a life I created. They were half of me & half of my fiance. They were MY baby. Even though I never got to hold them, they were MY baby. 

Mommy will always love you, little one. You’ll always have a place in my heart. 

This song means so much to me right now. Thank you so much for writing this, Ed.


You were just a Small Bump unborn, in Four months you’re brought to life,You might be left with my hair, but you’ll have your Mother’s eyes,I’ll hold your body in my hands be as gentle as I can, but for now you’re scan of my unmade plans,Small bump four months you are brought to life[Bridge]and ill whisper quietly, I’ll give you nothing but truth,If you’re not inside me, I’ll put my future in you[Chorus]you are my one, and only.You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.you are my one, and only.You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.And you’ll be alright.[Verse 2]You’re just a small bump unknown, you’ll grow into your skin.With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice.And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide a small bump, in Four months you’ll open your eyes.[Bridge]and I’ll hold you tightly, and tell you nothing but truth,If you’re not inside me, I’ll put my future in you[Chorus]you are my one, and only.and You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.you are my one, and only.You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.And you’ll be alright.[Verse 3]and You can lie with me, with your tiny feet when your half asleep, I’ll leave you be.Right in front of me for a couple weeks.So I can keep you safe.[Chorus]Cause you are my one, and only.You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.you are my one, and only.You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.And you’ll be alright.[Verse 4]cause You were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life.Maybe you were needed up there but we’re still un-aware as why.