minus-the-alcohol

The Greatness of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, a series where even the title is playing with our preconceived notions, is a parody of our expectations.
Make no mistake, this show knows EXACTLY what you’re expecting.  With a treasure trove of tropes culled from years and years of finely worn music genres, film, television, and musical plots, this show subverts your expectations at every turn.  A romantic comedy that slowly makes the case against romantic comedies, it’s an outstanding rumination on self deception and the lengths people will go to avoid facing their real issues.  Plus it’s really funny.  

I will say the advertising does not in any way make this clear, so the wide audience this should appeal to doesn’t even know about it.  Thank goodness for Netflix.  

A show called “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” that asks you not to be so dismissive.  A brightly designed show with epic musical numbers that refuses to present unhealthy behavior as “cute”, but does ask you to consider the underlying reason someone might behave that way.  This show isn’t just creative, it’s helpful.  A lot of therapists love it.  People may tune in for the laughs, or the killer musical parodies (my favorites are the parodies of R. Kelly and Fifth Harmony) but end up recognizing themselves or someone they know.  While it may be at times uncomfortable to see a character do something that avoids the real problem, and realize you have done something similar, it’s a little easier to face when you’re laughing.

I’ll end with my favorite song from last season, an ode to the music of Burt Bacharach, as the main character Rebecca searches for assurance from the UPS guy when getting everything she thought she wanted isn’t making her happy.  

anonymous asked:

so I cannot drink bc of a disease that I have and I feel like Tyler wouldn't be able to drink either bc his kidneys (I'm not sure, just guessing) so could you do just a HC for the whole gang going out drinking but you and Tyler aren't drinking so you come up with the no drinking squad or something like that? idk just maybe something kind of comical and a lil cute

(quickie biology lesson i guess lmao - Alcohol is filter through your liver, but if you constantly drink and put your liver through a lot of work then your kidneys have to work extra hard too, because they filter the waste your body makes. The more you know) (so like…my guess is that Tyler doesn’t get wasted but he probably has a drink here or there)

- Honestly half of teamiplier can’t drink anyway so it’s no surprise when Tyler invites you out with them and you tell Tyler that you can’t drink so you wouldn’t be much fun
- Ty: “It’s okay, I don’t really drink either. Plus you’re fun to be with regardless.”
- But it’s kinda ridic because You can’t drink, Tyler can’t drink, Mark can’t drink and Ethan isn’t of age. It’s just Amy and Kathryn ordering drinks and you guys getting water and virgin drinks.
- Guys at the bar try to buy you drinks and you politely decline
- “C’mon’ it’s just one drink.” “You don’t understand, I can’t drink.” “Just one.” “I literally cannot process alcohol.”
- Amy or Kathryn just swoop in and take the free drinks instead
- You and Tyler start the “No Drinking Squad™” and then Mark and Ethan try to join but you two won’t let them so they make their own “EVEN BETTER No Drinking Squad™”
- Playing drinking games minus the alcohol
- Bragging about how you won’t have a hangover in the morning
- Everyone at the bar being like “why are you even here if you can’t drink”
- And then you just kinda gesture to Amy and Kath doing karaoke 

(This turned into a teamiplier hc whoops)

confidence boost

Words: 1863
Stuart Twombly x reader
The Internship
Warnings: Swearing, lap dances, nakedness (no smut) 

“I don’t think this is a dance club” I say turning to the team. 
“well I was rocking cantonese he was rocking mandarin something clearly got confused in the middle but I say its a blessing in disguise” Billy exclaims. Just then a girl, a naked girl at that, comes strolling over. 
“show you to your table?” she flirts with the guys running her hand along their chests and she walks down the line. She stops at Stuart. Nick tilts his head up and says something I can’t hear. His eyes nearly pop out of his head. She takes his finger and slips it into her mouth then takes his hand and leads him to a table, Yo-Yo and Lyle follow eagerly. I look at Neha. We stop for a second feeling awkward. 

“you guys ok?” Nick asks concerned. I bite my lip. 
“I mean, I don’t know about you” Neha pauses looking at me. “But i’ve only read about this stuff okay? Fanfiction and hentai you know?” she exclaims. I nod my head in agreement. I turn away as they get into a speech about how amazing we are. I stare at Stuart as he stares at all the naked women. I grit my teeth and turn back to the conversation. 

“let’s get fucked up” I yell. 
“that’s the spirit” Nick shouts in reply. We head to the table just as shots are being placed. I immediately reach for one. We spend a moment trying to get Yo-Yo to have one and when he does we all cheer. Another woman comes up to our table and this time reaches for my hand. I raise my eyebrow and she smirks pulling me up. I look at Neha panicked. She just hollers and smacks my butt as I shuffle past. I take a short glance at Stuart and his eyes are trained on my butt. I smile a little. 

The woman takes me into a back room and tells me to change into an outfit.

I do so and look in the mirror. I feel and look extremely sexy. She knocks and I shout that I’m ready. She fluffs my already curly hair and adds a little makeup. I look hot. She takes my hand and leads me back outside. The boys and Neha are still sitting at the table, not drunk enough to venture away yet. Neha is first to spot me and her jaw drops. The boys, who are all faced away from me turn and look to see what she’s looking at. Their jaws literally drop to the floor. I make my way up the steps and sit next to Neha. 

“damn girl, you’re hot” She mutters. The boys nod, some more eagerly than others. I take a swig of the beer the guys had bought me. I see Stuarts gaze last a little longer on me. 

“anyone wanna dance?” I ask standing up. Stuart’s eyes rake up my legs and to my face, gulping and nodding. I don’t see the others nod but I hear them walking behind us. We get up onto a small square dance floor and start dancing to whatever is playing. I have my back to Neha as she has hers on mine and we simultaneously slut drop. I bite my lip as Stuart raises his eyebrows. I pop back up and the song changes to a really dirty one. I grab hold of Stuarts neck and start grinding on him, rolling my body into his. I hear the team holler and a few other people joining in on it. His hands grip my waist not daring to go lower. I roll my eyes and push his hands down to my butt. He instantly starts squeezing. He looks at me with heavily eyelids and I’m sure mine are the same. Drunk on alcohol and each other. He leans down to my ear. 

“where did this side of you come from?” he whispers nipping at my ear. I lean my head to the side giving him more access. My eyes are closed and I open them slightly to see everyone had left to go elsewhere. I spot Neha and she smirks at me giving me a wink. I blush. 

“I guess you bring it out of me” I flirt back fisting his hair in my hands. He audibly moans and brings his lips to mine. We make out for a while before we decide to head back to the table. I take note of all the actual strippers around the club giving lap dances. I smirk and when Stuart sits down, I take a quick shot and straddle his lap. His eyes go wide. 

“what are you doing?” he stutters.  I take a hold of his neck again and grind down on his lap. He moans. “do that again” he whimpers. 
“I could do this all night baby” I whisper flirtatiously in his ear. His hands fly to my butt and I start grind and rolling my body onto his. He groans and suddenly Billy shows up next to us taking multiple pictures. 
“exchangeagram moment right there” he yells high fiving Stuart. I blush but keep going. He starts gripping my hip a little tighter so I bend down to his ear. 

“you gonna cum stewie? in front of all these people, I haven’t even touched you, cum for me” I giggle cupping his cheek and pushing my lips against his. His grip gets almost unbearable but I’m to focused to bother. His body slightly shakes underneath me as he presses hot kisses to my neck. Nobody seems to notice what’s happening around us, probably because we are in a strip club, surrounded by other lap dances. 

Stuarts glasses are slightly bent on his face and I giggle while pushing them back to their place. His face is flushed and he looks up at me silently. 
“I’m so embarrassed that, that just happened” he blushes covering his face. 
“I’m not” I say. He raises his eyebrows. “maybe we can do it again some time, in the near future, minus the alcohol and clothes” I say cupping his cheek. He runs his hands over my hand. He stares at me for a second then jumps forward pressing his lips to mine. 
“I think I love you” he smirks. I push his shoulder. 
“ditto” I grin. I stand up and we carry on with the night, actually spending time with the team. I blush at first when they all make innuendos and comments about my attire and actions. Neha high fives me when nobody is looking.

The night takes a turn when some guy decides to mark territory on Marielena, causing a fight to break out between the guys and his friends. We got escorted out of the club, after inquiring about my clothes from the girl who helped me, she tells me to keep the lingerie. 
“your boyfriend seemed to enjoy it” she giggles pointing at him. I turn to look at Stuart and he looks away quickly. I laugh. “he’s cute, hold on to him” she winks strutting away. I forget about my clothes, grinning to myself and join the others. We head to a lovely hill looking over the entire city. Stuart hands me his button down shirt and I take it gratefully, buttoning it up and sitting on a bench next to neha. Billy comes to talk to us, by now we’re pretty much sober again minus Lyle and Yo-Yo. I start thinking about the night and blush at my confidence. 

“you were great tonight y/n” Neha exclaims putting her hand on my bare knee. I smile but its fake, of course she notices. “oh come on! he obviously likes you, he was totally into it” 
“any guy would like all of that” I sigh running my hand through my hair. 
“As a guy, I’ve got to say I think he’s totally in love with you” Billy adds. My face brightens. 
“really?” I squeal. He nods then looks at Neha who looks slightly glum. He starts talking to her about how young and beautiful she is and I nod the whole way through it. 
“you’ll find someone Neha, you’re 21 and in college, you still have plenty of time” I reassure her placing my hand in hers. She squeezes mine and we have a group hug. 

Back at HQ we quickly programme our app then retreat home. Instead of going back to our room with Neha I follow Stuart. We enter his makeshift apartment, similar to my own. I awkwardly stand near the front door while he kicks his shoes off. 
“you can sit down” he points out giggling. I nod. 
“right, yeah” I exclaim sitting down on his couch. Its silent for a while.
“you know we need to talk about tonight” Stuart whispers. I nod and look down. 
“I know” I whisper then cough. “you can just say it… I know how much we drank and I don’t expect anything to come from this” I say pointedly. 
“look at me” he sighs. I keep my head down. “I said look at me” he says more demandingly, while pulling my small frame to straddle his own, much like we had done earlier. I yelp. 
“I don’t want to forget about tonight. I can honestly say it was the best night of my life. I mean the lap dances and making out was great, well… amazing” he pauses taking my hand as I blush. “but the fact that you were the one doing it, means so much more” he finishes. I finally look up at him, his eyes show nothing but the truth. 
“so what does this make us?” I whisper. 
“I was hoping I could take you on a real date, with less alcohol and maybe in the end less clothes” he smirks repeating what I had said to him earlier. I blush covering my face. He laughs loudly pulling my hands away and intertwining them in his own. He pecks my nose and I scrunch it up. 

“come on” he chirps patting my butt. “we need sleep” he says. I groan. 
“I have to walk alllllll the way back to my apartment, in underwear” I whine. He lifts me up and I squeal wrapping my legs around his waist. 
“no you don’t just stay here, you’re all comfy in my shirt just sleep here, borrow clothes when we wake up and go to HQ.” he says like its the most simplest thing on earth. And it is after I see the look on his hopeful face. I peck his lips and nod, leaning my head against his shoulder. 
“ok” I mutter. He carries me to his bedroom, gently putting me into the bed and sliding in next to me. 
“see you in a couple of hours beautiful” he mumbles, resting his head in the crook of my neck placing a wet kiss there and wrapping his strong arms around my waist pulling me back into him. 
“I made you cum” I giggle. He gently bites my neck and I yelp in surprise. 
“SLEEP” he demands jokingly. I stay silent snuggling into his warmth. 

Those who are Broken | Chapter Two

Everyone has a soulmate. Except the Broken.

↬ Word count: 2213

↬ The weekend is here, and I have a lot of homework. Where is the freedom?

Chapter list

Originally posted by gothdollysedits

You sat on the metal chair in a circle with several other students. You had therapy in the gym. There wasn’t even a classroom—that’s how much they cared. And to top it all off, this really wasn’t therapy, it was more like an intervention. An intervention for the Broken.

A sort of fucked up intervention.

“This is fucking stupid. Is this some sort of helping mechanism for us to cope with our planned deaths?” one of the students asked, leaning forward in his seat.

“This is to help you better yourself, and for you to express your feelings,” the therapist said from the opposite side of the circle, pushing her spectacles back up.

“Express our feelings? That’s fucking great. Good to know that this academy takes Broken, but they want us to express the reasons we act like a bunch of rebels. Also, they want us to come to terms with the fact that we’re Broken—the most frowned upon group of people who don’t have soulmates,” another student said, voice getting louder with each new sentence.

Everyone was getting riled up, and from behind the circle, you could see security take several steps towards you. They were ready for whatever you guys might do.

“Y/N,” the therapist said, turning your attention away from security and towards her. “You’ve been quiet this whole session. How are you feeling about this?”

The entire group was quiet, their eyes on you expectantly. You sighed, hoping to not be called on, but that was false hope. “I feel like the rest of these people. Pissed.” Several nodded in agreement. “You don’t understand how we feel, and you never will.” The therapist adjusted in her seat. “You can go home today to your loving husband or wife, or whoever. You don’t even have to be with your soulmate because it really isn’t mandatory. They give you a fucking name of the person you are meant to be with, but you could sleep around with the rest of the world and be perfectly fine while the Broken go home wondering if they’re time will begin to countdown. We’re the ones who have every right to be pissed, scared, sad and every other feeling in the fucking book—except being in love. You non-Broken don’t have a right to look down on us, criticize us for being Broken because we didn’t ask for this.

“This whole therapy session is fucking stupid. Having us in this fucking academy is beyond fucking stupid. Why? Because we’re on a death sentence, so we’ll be dead before you can fix us. What’s the oldest age a Broken has died? I know the youngest was five years old. Five. We don’t live long enough to grow old, and we sure as hell don’t have any children because people despise us.” You hadn’t realized you gotten to your feet. “So do us a favor and quit trying to make us see the bright side because you and I both know there is none.” The bell rung loudly in the now silent gym. You smiled. “Guess session is over.”

Keep reading

Alexis Ren Fitness Guide

Some of Alexis’s favorite foods to buy:

• raw cashews and other types of raw nuts
• hummus + carrots
• kind bars
• vegan plant protein powder + almond milk
• perfect bars (her favorite is the blue one)
• avocado
• apples + almond butter
• raw trail mix
• kale chips
• turkey bacon
• coffee (hazelnut is her fav)
• fruits. her favs include: strawberries, pineapple, watermelon, raspberries, mango, kiwi, blueberries

Food Examples: 

Breakfast:

• Yogurt with fruit or almond butter mixed in
• Scrambled eggs with kale or spinach
• Smoothie or a shake

Typical Dinner for Alexis:

• Quinoa with avocado

A healthy choice of salad dressing: 

• lemon juice with pepper

Daily Diet:

No bread
No fast foods
No red meat
Try’s to stay off of sugar (minus fruits)
No alcohol
Organic, and raw foods

Alexis’s workout habits:

She works out 5-7 days a week

She loves running

She practices yoga every day

She goes to pilate classes in the mornings

Her workouts include: yoga, hiking, boxing, and self defense

Exercises either 6 am or 10 am

She tries not to lift too many weights for the reason being she doesn’t want bulky arms

Healthy Tricks/Tips:

Always have a full glass of water before a meal

Have dinner before 7pm and don’t eat unnecessary food after that

Honey and lemon mixed in w/ hot water before breakfast is amazing for the digestive system

Make sure to eat your vegetables

Water water water!

Wise words from Alexis herself:

“A crappy workout is better than no workout.”

Just know that you will not magically get a body that looks exactly like Alexis’s because you were born differently than her, and your bone structure may be different as well as your genetics. Please keep that in mind. To get rid of fat from your body, incorporate cardio into your workouts and to tone your body up, do strength training workouts. You will see results whenever you lose unwanted fat.  

If you have any specific questions regarding this, feel free to ask me. X

Donald Trump is Richard Nixon ...

with all the paranoia, half the intelligence, and minus the alcoholism.

Maybe alcohol would help. Me, in any case … 

Net carbs


One of those days that an Oh yeah bar seemed like a good idea for dinner. Whaaat? It’s within my macros. This giant bar has 14g net carbs.

Also I finally learned how to calculate net carbs, because there isn’t always a net carb version on the MyFitnessPal list.

Net carbs in grams are total carbs (g) minus fiber (g) minus ½ of the sugar alcohol in grams. Not sugar, sugar alcohol.

Example: total carbs 30g, fiber 10g, sugar alcohol 14g.
30 - 10 - 7 = 13 g net carbs

Got7 as single dads

Jaebum:

Number of kids- 1 daughter (and don’t you dare touch her) 

Why they are single- Husband died of cancer when daughter was two.

1) That cup of coffee in the morning every weekday, no sugar, extra cream, 120°F exactly.

2) Reads the newspaper every Saturday, on his iPad or an actual paper while simultaneously watching CNN.

3) Wood works and and makes random items for around the house and in the backyard, probably carves birds in the garage at midnight.

4) Calls daughter Princess and loves her to death, would fight a bear like Leonardo DiCaprio to protect her.

5) Engineer, constantly burns coworkers with smart remarks, possibly will be promoted to boss soon.

6) Quizzes daughters possible dates, and is really, really protective.

7) Has a shotgun. Maybe two. 

8) Sweet but strict, makes sure his daughter does her homework, makes sure her skirt is not too high (finger tip rule), doesn’t let her go to parties.

9) Snuggles a lot, read bedtime stories, would stay home with her if she was sick, makes her green tea, kisses forehead.

10)  Daughters friends think he is hot, like really hot.

Keep reading

I’m highkey crying rn. An anon asked me a question but my damn tumblr glitched out and deleted it from my drafts and my inbox. The question was what would the RFA members smell like? Like what cologne would they wear? I will fight you tumblr

Yoosung

» He would smell sweet like marshmallows or cinnamon

» Sometimes he would wear your perfume but wouldn’t admit to it

»“Babe is that my perfu- ”

»“ No! ”

» His scent would make cuddling sessions literally heaven.

Zen

» He would smell like a fucking frat boy let’s not play here.

» Probably some woodsy axe ft. a hint of cigarettes and beer. Just a hint.

»Would be the guy to spray his cologne on a teddy bear he bought in case he wasn’t home a lot because of his career

Jumin

» Just imagine what Christian Grey would smell like. Bam.

» It would probably be expensive as fuck.

» Most likely a hint of roses and gold

Jaehee

» She’d probably have a floral scent to her, or a beach scent

» What do business woman aesthetics smell like?

» Probably something like Moonlight Path from bath and body works.

Saeyoung

» Same as Zen but minus the alcohol and cigarettes

» he would fucking smell like the woods and honey buddha chips

superwhaaaaat-deactivated201608  asked:

accidentally called your number while drunk asking for a ride and you actually came AU TsukkiYama oleaseeee

“Hello?”

“A- Aki-nii? It’s Tadashi, I- I got fucked up againnn,” Kei is surprised to hear Tadashi’s voice hiccuping on the other line at three a.m., and more surprised to hear him adress his brother. “Aki, I’m a- at the park K-ei and I used t- to hang out, come get me?”

Kei hangs up without a word, and scrambles up, pulling trousers and a sweatshirt on before grabbing his cellphone and an extra sweatshirt for Tadashi. Idiot probably didn’t have one. Quietly, Kei slips out of the house, hoping his family didn’t notice he was gone, and makes his way to where Tadashi said he was.

Kei can’t believe he got drunk. And did he say again? Did he and Akiteru have a system? Was this a regular thing?

It’s a short walk, but the cold and the lack of entertainment without his headphones makes it seem longer and his anxiety at making sure Tadashi is ok makes him jump at every movement in the trees. This whole excursion was going to make him sick if he wasn’t careful.

“Oi, Yamaguchi.”

Tadashi jumps and falls off the swing he’d been pushing himself on, scrambling to his feet messily. “Ts- Tsukki!”

Walking over and holding out the extra sweater – Kei was right, the idiot forgot one – Kei says to Tadashi, “You called the wrong Tsukishima. I came to get you.”

“Ts- Tsukki…” Tadashi mutters, grabbing it and sliding it on. “I- I, uh–”

“We’ll talk about this when we get home, Tadashi,” Kei says, turning around towards his house. Tadashi follows him, unsteady at first, but quickly gaining composure and keeping pace. He was surprisingly well-endowed for being drunk.

As soon as Kei’s bedroom door shuts Kei has Tadashi against a wall, his eyes, adjusted to the dark, searching him for signs. Of what, he’s not sure.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

“I- I’m s- sor-ry Tsukki, I meant to c- call Akiteru, but I must have mixed you two up. I didn’t mean to wake you.” Tadashi sobs, his body shaking against Kei’s. Kei almost feels bad, but then he remembers the situation they’re in and growls.

“I didn’t mean that, I meant what are you doing drinking in the first place?! You’re a high schooler, damn it, you can’t do this!”
“B–”

“And how often do you call my brother when you get like this, huh? Does he just pick you up when you call?”

“Yes, but–”

“Tadashi,” Growls Kei, “Tell me why you are drunk in the first place. How about that? Why did you find it necessary to use alcohol?”

“I…” Tadashi pauses, and moves his jaw around uselessly, thinking. With a sigh, he proceeds. “Fuck it. You.”

“What?”

“Y- you fuck me up, Tsuk-ki! You make me f-feel things I know I shouldn’t, so I d-drink sometimes after a r-ou-gh day.” Tadashi admits, his voice shaking, “I- I’m sorry,”

Kei cocks his head, eyes widening in shock.

“Yama–”

“I’m so sorry! I s- should go–”

“Oh, no you’re not. You’re telling me why exactly you think you can’t come to me about your feelings.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Tsukki!” Tadashi sobs out quietly, his head falling as he hiccups and cries. Kei knows the alcohol is spurring him on at the moment, and that Tadashi wouldn’t normally be as emotional, but he feels bad for sparking tears from the shorter boy anyways. “I- I don’t want y- you to l- leave me. You’re probably dis-gusted w- with me now that you kn- know I like y- you, I’m s- sorr–”

Kei cuts Tadashi off with a rough kiss, pulling him from the wall and shoving him onto the bed. Tadashi smelt and tasted like the liquor he’d consumed earlier, and he was still crying, but Kei feels exhilarated at the thought of kissing Tadashi like this. It’d be impossible to say he hasn’t thought about this before, of course, minus the alcohol and salty tears, but nonetheless.

Tadashi’s breath is hot and rapid against his and it occurs momentarily that Tadashi didn’t want to kiss him. Kei pulls away so he can breathe, locking their hands together. All his previous anger fades away and he feels a little dizzy tapping their foreheads together.

“S- sorr- y Tsu-”

“Shh, it’s ok. Focus on breathing.” Kei mumbles, eyes shut lightly. “I like you too.”

Tadashi sucks in a breath and Kei wonders if it’s because of his confession or because he’s trying to calm himself.

Eventually, Tadashi slumps goes limp, and Kei covers him up and slides under the covers with him. It would be hard to explain to Akiteru why Tadashi was suddenly at their house as they get ready for school in the morning, but at least both his parents work in the morning before they leave.

“Hey Yamaguchi.”

“Hmm?” Tadashi hums into the pillow.

“You don’t need to drink anymore, ok? If you have a problem, talk to me about it, ok?”

“’M'kay, Tsukki. Night.”

“Night, Tadashi.”

haikyuu!! headcanons based on people i know
  • oikawa wears high heels on the treadmill at home because one time he read online that mariah carey does it
  • kenma’s record dark souls speedrun is exactly 1 hour, 12 minutes, and 6 seconds, and he’s really salty about it
  • kyoutani made an instagram for his dog and pretends that he doesn’t care that his dog has more followers than him (he does)
  • oikawa has never actually seen the ending of E.T. b/c his mom used to rewind it before E.T. left to stop him from crying about it
  • kindaichi secretly loves nicholas sparks books (also his favorite movie is the notebook, and yes he cries every time)
  • ennoshita desperately tries to get the team to go see all the “oscar-worthy” movies with him, but he always gets shut down by everyone (except noya, who would do anything to make his friends happy, honestly he’s too good for this world)
  • akaashi almost exclusively listens to baroque music, not classical, and he will correct you if you use the world “classical,” seriously don’t do it
  • yahaba’s mom makes him “mocktails” which are just whatever she’s drinking (complete with cute little umbrellas, sugar around the rim, etc.) minus the alcohol