Il faudrait pouvoir ainsi rassembler toutes les paroles qui agitent nos têtes, tout ce qui se déblatère à l'intérieur, tout ce qui s'y délibère à l'abri des oreilles, tout ce qui fait bouger la conscience et ce qui remue dans l'inconscient, il faudrait pouvoir rassembler ça, il faudrait avoir un appareil à écouter et non à faire parler, car l'appareil à causer existe il a été posé à l'intérieur de soi, d'ailleurs le soi il faudrait y revenir à l'occasion, on pourrait décider d'un commun accord avec tous les soi qui peuplent ce qui se baratine à longueur de journées qu'on en a plus rien à faire, on pourrait déjà décider qu'il faut au moins en finir avec la désignation du moi par ces mots qui caractérisent la personne, il faudrait un peu en finir avec le personnel sans en finir pour autant avec l'intime mais parler de tout ce que l'intime prend du dehors et que c'est cet extra-corporel qui est un matériau brut pour notre usine intime, il faudrait cependant en finir avec notre chapelle et le petit moi dedans comme un petit Jésus qui vient y prier pour sa paroisse qui serait son petit bout de gras, il faudrait en terminer avec le bout de gras face à l'autre bout de gras et que tous les bouts de gras forment un ensemble indivisible par endroits, c'est-à-dire à l'endroit du parler que tout ça génère un bruit phénoménal et incomprehensible et non tout le préhensible commun que crache chaque individu, il faudrait en finir avec le mot individu dont on dit que le un est une forme de vide et que ce vide est dû, il faut en terminer une bonne fois avec le vide qui est dû au un et d'ailleurs il faudrait un peu reprendre en considération le vide et spéculer sur sa vitesse et son ampleur, sa force face au un et on ne serait plus tout seul face à lui on serait un ensemble de singularités prêts à en découdre avec tous les uns et leurs vides on prendrait tous ces tas de uns et on les mélangerait dans une marmitte à solidariser le vide, on serait des invincibilités, on serait aussi des imbéciles ou tout au moins des gens qui n'ont plus peur du vide en dedans, on s'appellerait encore les gens malgré tout car on en aura marre des hommes séparés des animaux séparés des plantes séparées des cailloux ainsi que de tous les minerais et les gaz et on arrêterait aussi de se séparer de la foule des matières qui nous traverse sans jamais nous demander notre avis et on ferait cause commune avec tout ce qui nous est totalement étranger dans le reste de l'univers, la lutte serait alors de partir du plus petit mot pour rejoindre le lointain.
Sooo, this happened when I was waiting for my train. And I told myself I wasn’t gonna write more FF hehe but I guess we all can use a little fluff and comforting thoughts.
1246 words English is not my 1st language. Go easy ;)
Aaron sat at the bar, disheartened after another failed deal for the scrapyard. Ever since he’d lost Robert all other things seemed to have gone awry. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t stay focused on work and even he and Adam had fallen out on a numerous of occasions. And he couldn’t tell him why. Outing someone was not something he would do. He knew first hand what that could do to a person.
He’d come close to telling Paddy, backing out in the last second, coming up with some faux story of some first date that didn’t last long.
He’d snarled at his mother enough times for her to know that there was no point in bringing the subject to surface again.
So he sat, at the bar, pint in his hand, licking his wounds in his lonesome. There was just one other person who would understand and he wasn’t around anymore.
He had chosen her.
It had been three months but the thought still made his heart wrench. And he damned himself for getting so wrapped up in someone he knew he could never have. Why had he let himself fall so hard? He had known, and Robert had made it perfectly clear, that nothing could come from their affair. Still, he had hoped. Yeah Robert could be a real ass sometimes, dropping her name into conversations, not realizing how much it hurt him. But then there was the sweet side to him that he hadn’t seen him display to anyone else: the hugs, the comforting tone of his voice, the arm around his waist during the few nights they had spent together.
“Another one?” Diane’s voice interrupted his thoughts. She nodded at his almost empty glass.
“Nah, you’re alright” he said, swirling the glass but making no attempt of drinking. He just kept staring at the liquid, as if he needed something, anything, to focus on to keep him steady. To keep him from falling.
“I hate seeing you so sad” She nodded her head over at Chas who was on the other side of the bar. “She’s worried about you, you know”
Aaron glanced quickly in his mother’s direction. “Well you can tell her to stop, I’m fine” he said, voice deep and determined.
Diane smiled vaguely at him, knowing there was nothing more she could say before turning her head to another customer.
Aaron threw back the last of his beer. Why couldn’t everyone just leave him alone!? He slammed the glass down hard, receiving an annoyed look from his mother.
“Oy, take it easy” Chas reprimanded.
“Whatever” he stood up and was just about to head for the backroom when he felt a hand on his arm. Robert. “What do you want?” he asked somewhat angrily, because if he stayed in a sulky mood he’d be able to control himself. He’d be able to restrain himself from being the lovesick little boy that he always was around him. And he hated himself for it.
“Can we talk?” Robert asked quietly.
“Didn’t think we had anything to talk about” he was now looking intently at Robert, who, to his surprise, looked smaller than usual, who seemed to suddenly lack all his sway and cockiness. Who, looked afraid?
“Please Aaron, can we just go in the back?” his tone was almost desperate.
Aaron kept his gaze, trying to figure out what he wanted from him. What it could possibly be after all this time. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. He’d hurt enough and he wasn’t going to be hurt again. “No” he said shortly and turned around, making his way behind the bar.
Robert’s head sank, his gaze fell to the floor and his thumb and finger rubbed the potential tears out of his eyes. He had to do something. Anything. He looked up, and saw Aaron nearly head out of the room. It was now or never. “I love you too!” he yelled, loud and clear for the whole pub to hear. Chas and Diane both stopped in their tracks and they were now looking back and forth between them, filled with shock.
Aaron froze at the words. Did he hear them right? Was Robert really saying what he’d given up all hope of ever hearing? He was afraid to turn around and discover it was all a joke, that Chrissie had walked in and the words were really meant for her. He could hear his heart palpitating deep in his chest and each thud became harder as he slowly turned around and was met by several people looking at him, Chas, Diane, few of the regulars, Cain and Moira in the back of the pub. It was completely silent. And on his left side, there he was, Robert, looking as serious as he’d ever seen him and he now took a few steps forward, closing their distance even further.
It wasn’t a joke.
“I love you too” Robert’s words were quieter now, more fragile. On step closer. “I’ve been an idiot.” His eyes were shining. “I’m so sorry”
Aaron was glued to his spot, afraid that if he moved some sort of spell would be broken and all of this would be a dream.
“Say something then” Robert pleaded. It was still so quiet around them. He took another step closer to Aaron, approaching carefully as if to not scare him away.
“I..” Aaron started, but his voice and words failed him. A single tear made its way out of the corner of his right eye and he quickly wiped it away with the back of his hand. He wasn’t prepared to show himself so vulnerable again. He couldn’t go through this again. He gnawed on his lower lip. There was a long pause. “Don’t mess me around” he finally said, his voice small and his eyes scared.
“I’m not messing you around” Robert’s answer came quickly and with utter earnest. “I’ve left Chrissie and I’ve been a fool and I can’t stop thinking about you and I am so so..” He didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence before Aaron had closed the gap between them and planted his lips on his. And they were as sweet and soft as he could remember and how he ever had managed to live without them was beyond him, without the intoxicating smell that was Aaron’s and all the softness and hardness in just the right places. And he didn’t really care who was in the pub or what they would say. He’d heard most comments about him anyway. For the first time in his life, he was in the right place and he never wanted to let go.
“Fish and chips, table..” Victoria’s voice broke the silence of the pub before she dropped the plates on the floor as well as her jaw. “Oh my goood” she stared at her brother and friend.
Diane quickly bend down to help Victoria with the food on the floor. “When did all this happen?” Victoria whispered not so quietly to Diane.
“Your guess is as good as mine pet. It would certainly explain why Robert’s been in a worse mood than usual lately. ”
It was Aaron who broke their embrace first, remembering where they were. His eyes were beaming and he had to chew on the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from grinning like an idiot. He shot a quick glance around the room. “Should we go somewhere else?”
Robert smiled and reached for Aaron’s hand. “Lead the way”