mine: the it crowd

yesterdays jam

here it is, the it crowd au that no-one asked for. cheers @jiilys and @bantasticbeasts for being legends


Remus Lupin to Lily Evans: so

Lily Evans: so

Remus Lupin: first day

Lily Evans: ya

Remus Lupin: scary

Lily Evans: mmhmm

Remus Lupin: dont be scared

Lily Evans: im not really

Remus Lupin: u should be

Lily Evans: actually now that you mention it i am kind of scared

Remus Lupin: WELL DONT BE

Lily Evans: MAKE UP UR MIND

Lily Evans: god

Lily Evans: its like having a conversation with my anxiety

Remus Lupin: dont make me fire you on your first day here

Lily Evans: pls dont

Remus Lupin: i wont

Remus Lupin: so

Remus Lupin: im putting you in i.t

Remus Lupin: bc u said on ur cv that u have a lot of experience with computers

Lily Evans: u didnt


Remus Lupin to Lily Evans: do u actually /have/ any experience with computers??

Lily Evans: emails?? n stuff

Remus Lupin: “”””emails?? n stuff”””””??

Lily Evans: ya

Lily Evans: sending emails

Lily Evans: receiving emails

Lily Evans: deleting emails

Lily Evans: i could go on

Remus Lupin: do

Lily Evans: the web

Lily Evans: using the mouse

Lily Evans: mice

Lily Evans: using mice

Lily Evans: clicking

Lily Evans: double clicking

Lily Evans: the computer screen ofc

Remus Lupin: ofc

Lily Evans: the keyboard

Lily Evans: the bit that goes on the floor

Remus Lupin: do u mean the hard drive??

Lily Evans: correct

Remus Lupin: well

Remus Lupin: u certainly seem to kno ur stuff

Lily Evans: shut up

Remus Lupin: come on lil,,,they need a new manager

Lily Evans: dont

Remus Lupin: just take the job lil

Lily Evans: ok


Lily Evans to Remus Lupin: so,,,,the people ill be working with what r they like

Remus Lupin: quite literally the worst idiots i have ever met

Lily Evans: excellent


Marlene McKinnon to James Potter: jim

James Potter: have u tried turning it off and on again

Marlene McKinnon: um

James Potter: nice talking to you mckinnon


James Potter to Sirius Black: hey can u answer the phone

Sirius Black: i could but i dont want to

James Potter: and u wonder why no-one ever comes down here

Sirius Black: probably got something to do with that 3 day old coffee stain down ur shirt

James Potter: I TOLD U ALL MY OTHER SHIRTS ARE IN THE WASH


Mary MacDonald to Sirius Black: can u help me

Sirius Black: what with

Mary MacDonald: my computers not working

Sirius Black: have u tried turning it off and on again

Mary MacDonald: yea

Sirius Black: u kno the button on the side

Mary MacDonald: yea

Sirius Black: is it glowing??

Mary MacDonald:

Sirius Black: u need to turn it on mare

Mary MacDonald: ok hang on

Mary MacDonald: how do i do that

Sirius Black: ?? the button turns it on

Mary MacDonald:

Sirius Black: ?? u do kno how a button works dont u

Sirius Black: and if u say on clothes i am going to come up there and personally murder you

Mary MacDonald: I’d like to see you try


Andromeda Black to James Potter: Hey James.

James Potter: andy!!

Andromeda Black: Don’t call me that.

James Potter: sorry

Andromeda Black: It’s OK.

Andromeda Black: I’m having some trouble with my computer.

James Potter: wouldnt u rather talk to ur cousin abt this

Andromeda Black: I could, but I don’t want to.

James Potter: u two r more alike than u know

Andromeda Black: Shut up.

James Potter: absolutely

James Potter: so what seems to be the problem

Andromeda Black: It’s not working.

James Potter: i see

James Potter: have u tried forcing an unexpected reboot??

Andromeda Black: No, let me try.

Andromeda Black: How will that help?

James Potter: well

James Potter: the driver hooks the function by patching the system call table

James Potter: and its not safe to unload it unless another thread’s abt to jump in there and do its stuff

James Potter: and u don’t want to end up in the middle of invalid memory

James Potter: hello

James Potter: andy

James Potter: uve gone havent u


James Potter to Sirius Black: i think i just managed to successfully piss of your cousin again

Sirius Black: what else is knew


Sirius Black to Mary MacDonald: u couldnt handle all this

Mary MacDonald: i could take u any day of the week black

Sirius Black: is that so

Mary MacDonald: yes

Sirius Black: really

Mary MacDonald: stop it

Sirius Black: wow

Mary MacDonald: shut up

Sirius Black: why dont u come down here and make me

Mary MacDonald: what happened to ‘you couldn’t handle all this’

Sirius Black: u think im afraid of you??

Mary MacDonald: yes

Mary MacDonald: my brand new louboutins came in the mail next week and i know exactly the right place to stick them

Sirius Black: IM NOT AFRAID OF YOU

Sirius Black: U CAN COME DOWN HERE ANY TIME AND ILL BE WAITING FOR YOU


Sirius Black to James Potter: that told her

James Potter: can u stop fighting with mary all the time ur clogging the chat rooms


Sirius Black to James Potter: honestly its about time u got back

Sirius Black: its been all ruddy go here

James Potter: really

James Potter: how many jobs have you had

Sirius Black: one


James Potter to Sirius Black: what was the job

Sirius Black: girl on fifth

James Potter: did u hit it off

Sirius Black: define “”””hit it of”””””

James Potter: did she continue to talk to u once u’d fixed her computer

Sirius Black: she gave me her number

James Potter: r u gonna call her

Sirius Black: ?? no

James Potter: so ur just gonna toss it away

James Potter: like yesterday’s jam

Sirius Black: p much yeah

Sirius Black: and i told u to stop using that analogy

Sirius Black: jam lasts for ages


Lily Evans to Remus Lupin: u have unisex toilets??

Remus Lupin: yea

Remus Lupin: for non-binary pals

Remus Lupin: and for people having affairs

Lily Evans: i see


Lily Evans to Remus Lupin: the view up here is amazing

Remus Lupin: yep

Remus Lupin: have u found the elevators yet

Lily Evans: um

Lily Evans: yea

Lily Evans: which floor am i on

Remus Lupin: ur all the way down in the basement

Lily Evans: wait what

Lily Evans: remus

Lily Evans: ur joking arent u

Lily Evans: remus

Lily Evans: remus

Lily Evans: i know ur getting these


Lily Evans to Remus Lupin: remus

Lily Evans: the lift gets stuck halfway down

Lily Evans: and the hallway is full of maintenance stuff

Lily Evans: its disgusting

Lily Evans: i think i saw a rat


Lily Evans to Remus Lupin: ITS EVEN WORSE DOWN HERE

Lily Evans: IM READING A MAGAZINE FROM 1994

Lily Evans: WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO


James Potter to Sirius Black: theres a girl outside

Sirius Black: who is she

James Potter: i have no idea

James Potter: i cant go out there sirius

James Potter: i havent washed this shirt in three days and i forgot to put on deodorant this morning

James Potter: i havent even flossed

Sirius Black: who even flosses these days

James Potter: i do

Sirius Black: right

Sirius Black: bc ur a twat

James Potter: a twat who doesnt have gingivitis

Sirius Black: shut up

James Potter: u shut up

James Potter: one of us has to go out there

Sirius Black: u do it


Marlene McKinnon to Lily Evans: everything going ok??

Lily Evans: legit they both just walked out

Lily Evans: one of them was talkin abt tolstoy

Lily Evans: the other one was like “””james shut up u’ve literally never read a book in my life”””

Marlene McKinnon: thats sirius

Marlene McKinnon: he’s my favourite

Lily Evans: then james tried to lean on his chair and slipped over

Lily Evans: he stood up and he was like “”””plenty of people come down here to visit””””

Lily Evans: sirius was like “”””who, jim??? who comes down here???? what people????””””””

Lily Evans: james threw something at him and sirius was like “””””why are you giving me the secret signal to shut up????”””””

Lily Evans: then james was like “””what can we do you for??””””

Marlene McKinnon: cringe

Lily Evans: so i told them

Lily Evans: and bolted

Marlene McKinnon: what r u doing now

Lily Evans: im hiding in my office

Marlene McKinnon: smooth


James Potter to Sirius Black: I AM THE HEAD OF THIS DEPARTMENT

Sirius Black: i thought i was

James Potter: WELL ITS ONE OF US

James Potter: ITS CERTAINLY NOT HER

James Potter: IM GOING TO GO SORT THIS OUT


James Potter to Lily Evans: i dont mean to be rude or anything but i was not informed of any changes happening to this department

Lily Evans: did they not tell you about me??

James Potter: no sir

James Potter: and for what its worth we dont need you down here

James Potter: were perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves

Lily Evans: sure

Lily Evans: you do realise you’re wearing a shirt with a coffee stain down it that looks like hasn’t been washed in weeks


James Potter to Sirius Black: IM SORRY BUT IM NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THAT WOMAN

Sirius Black: as opposed to all the other women ur able to charm over effortlessly

James Potter: im never speaking to you again

Sirius Black: dw ill deal with her


Sirius Black to Lily Evans: sounds like ur having a v important conversation there

Lily Evans: i am

Sirius Black: also

Sirius Black: just a thought

Sirius Black: do you want me to connect up your phone??

Lily Evans: bitch


Sirius Black to James Potter: she just kicked me out of her office

James Potter: serves u right

Sirius Black: u dont even know what i did

James Potter: dont have to


Sirius Black to James Potter: so basically i went in and she was “””””pretending”””””” to talk to remus

James Potter: really??

Sirius Black: really

James Potter: shes a little bit weird

Sirius Black: i just saw you spraying yourself with cold water bc u said u had “”””””a hot ear””””””

James Potter: ITS A PART OF THAT SPORTING INJURY I GOT LAST SUMMER WHAT DO U WANT FROM ME


James Potter: i cant believe she didnt even get excited when she saw the original zx 81 we have in the doorway

Sirius Black:

Sirius Black: yea, that WAS weird

Sirius Black: totally uncalled for

Sirius Black: its almost as if she doesnt know anything about computers

Sirius Black: james??

Sirius Black: james???

Sirius Black: uve dropped ur phone havent u


Lily Evans to Sirius Black: why is he screaming

Sirius Black: i told him u didnt know anything about computers and he spilt his tea all over himself

Lily Evans: jesus

Sirius Black: yea

Sirius Black: thats why he always makes two cups of tea

Lily Evans: just in case he accidentally drops the first one??

Sirius Black: yea

Lily Evans: wow


James Potter to Sirius Black: she has to go

Sirius Black: why

James Potter: heres the plan

Sirius Black: ooh ooh hang on let me sit down first

Sirius Black: ok go

James Potter: so well go in

Sirius Black: when

James Potter: in like a minute

Sirius Black: will that be enough time for me to get to know the plan??

James Potter: yknow i shouldnt have used the world plan

James Potter: ive clearly got u overexcited

Sirius Black: would “”””scheme””””” be a better word

Sirius Black: actually no thats just as exciting

James Potter: look all i was gonna say was is that we go in, i make up a load of bullocks about computers and well see if she picks up on it

Sirius Black: yea i can see why u didnt want to use the word plan

James Potter: just let me do the talking

Sirius Black: r u sure thats a good idea

James Potter: shut up


James Potter to Sirius Black: we need to get this right

James Potter: we cannot go there in half-cocked


Lily Evans to Marlene McKinnon: i can hear them outside the door

Lily Evans: theyr just,,,,gigglin


James Potter to Sirius Black: i think that went well

Sirius Black: she was pretending to send an email to lupin and you asked her if she wanted you to connect her up to the matrix

James Potter: genius

Sirius Black: and she looked at you and was like “””””u just made all that up””””

Sirius Black: then u lost ur shit and start screaming at her

Sirius Black: at which point she stood up and starting screaming at you

Sirius Black: and u stormed out

Sirius Black: what part of that screams “”””that went well””””??


Sirius Black to Lily Evans: hey do u want me to connect up your computer??

Lily Evans: fuck off


Lily Evans to EVANS KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS: i cant believe ur going to tell on me

Lily Evans: ur like a pair of horrible old men

Sirius Black: what did she say

James Potter: she said were like a pair of “”””horrible old men””””

Sirius Black: SHE DIDNT


Remus Lupin to horrible old men ft lily evans: so what did u want to tell me

James Potter: well, its like this

Remus Lupin: im so proud of u guys

Remus Lupin: my i.t team

Remus Lupin: team players

Remus Lupin: every single one of you

Remus Lupin: theres no room for people who can’t act as a team in my team

Remus Lupin: u know what happens to people who cant act as a team in my team??

James Potter: what

Remus Lupin: i get security to escort them from the building

Remus Lupin: and if the security team cant escort them from the building as a team, then i fire them too

Remus Lupin: then i call recruitment and get them to look for a security team that can work as a team

Remus Lupin: then i warn them that they may have to escort the current security team from the building

Sirius Black: does this happen often to you then

Remus Lupin: anyway

Remus Lupin: what did u want to tell me

James Potter: well its just not working out

Lily Evans: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Lily Evans: hes joking

Remus Lupin: what do u mean,,,,”””not working out””””??

Lily Evans: ITS NOTHING

Lily Evans: WE ARE GETTING ON A LIKE A BIG HOUSE ON FIRE

Remus Lupin: then why did u text me

James Potter: um

Sirius Black: we installed a voice activation system on your computer

Sirius Black: it might take a while to get the pitch right but but nonetheless

Sirius Black: go ahead

Remus Lupin: wow

Remus Lupin: how exciting

Lily Evans: thats all then

Lily Evans: talk to you later


James Potter to nice save sirius: WHAT GOOD R U

James Potter: U OBVIOUSLY DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS

Lily Evans: no,,,,but i can learn

Lily Evans: for example sirius,,,,,u can walk me thru what ur doing right now

Sirius Black: ;)))))))) id be delighted

Sirius Black: im just working on a very simple piece of programming software

Lily Evans: on seconds thoughts i am very busy and have better things to be doing with my time thanks bye


Mary MacDonald to Sirius Black: i hope ur ready for me bitch


Lily Evans to Sirius Black: hows your arm

Sirius Black: i never knew louboutins could hurt that much

Lily Evans: yeah

Lily Evans: imagine

Lily Evans: if i hadnt stepped in and asked her out to lunch u’d be nothing more than a pile of fabulous hair right now

Sirius Black: i owe you one evans

Lily Evans: damn right u do


Remus Lupin to FUCKHEADS GALORE: i just spent the last five hours screaming at my computer for nothing

Remus Lupin: do any of u have anything to say for yourselves

Lily Evans: have u tried turning it off and on again??

Pilot episodes for TV series are a lot like ‘70’s pornos: Everyone is awkward, the acting isn’t as good as it should be, and no one really believes in the relationships being established. Sometimes, it takes entire seasons before a series finds its footing and becomes remotely enjoyable. Hell, it took Family Matters 12 episodes until they found Urkel. Can you imagine anyone actually sitting through 11 Urkel-less episodes of Family Matters? What would they even talk about if every other sentence wasn’t punctuated with a “DID I DO THAT?”

Thankfully, while you guys were busy “interacting” with “other people” in “positive ways,” I was binging these six TV shows to ensure that when you finally got around to watching them, you wouldn’t have to stumble through the weaker opening episodes. These are six shows that are waaaay more enjoyable when you don’t start them from the beginning.

30 Rock To Dr. Who: Our Binge-Watcher’s Guide Skips The Crap