tired….isn’t the right word. its not big enough. not…heavy enough. it doesn’t encompass the way one’s body feels chained to the minutes that have already ticked by, it doesn’t convey how it hurts not to feel fast or present enough. exhaustion……..that doesn’t work either. that implies one can sleep. that implies that the bags like bruises under eyes are temporary, that one can lay down at night and close their eyes and that would be enough. that it would make them feel better. exhausted? sleep. simple solution. thats why its not the right word either. its not simple. its not a matter of just ignoring the shadows and closing your eyes, or not jerking awake every few hours. one surely can’t just do that.
I like taking books places with me even if I don’t read them because there’s a quiet comfort in having them there. In knowing that at any moment I can dive into this other magical space and get lost for awhile.